– Live from the Omni in Atlanta, GA, wherever the hell that is.
– Your hosts are Tony and Larry, both of whom are remarkably on-topic
and coherant (cf. today)
– Maxx Payne mangles the Star Spangled Banner on his guitar. This was
odd at the time because Maxx was a heel.
– Opening match: Bobby Eaton & Chris Benoit v. 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus
Alexander Bagwell. Now, before you go getting all excited here, there’s
some caveats:
– Caveat #1: Benoit was a glorified jobber back in 1993
– Caveat #2: Bagwell & Scorpio were the ones getting the push
– Caveat #3: Eaton did most of the wrestling
– Caveat #4: The match was built around making Bagwell look
good, and this was waaaaaaaaay pre-Buff.
With all that in mind, it was a standard, Mickey Mouse opening tag
match. This was before the era of Johnny B Badd having to be in every
opening match on WCW’s PPV shows, as well. Benoit & Eaton play the
typical cowardly heel team, with Benoit getting a chance to show
absolutely nothing but his penchant for selling anything for anyone. It
should be noted that at this time, Raven was a light heavyweight
contender named Scotty Flamingo. I shit you not. Most of the match is
Eaton v. Bagwell. Ugh. Bagwell sucked shit more than just about anyone
else outside of Van Hammer at this time, and we get to see him later,
too. Semi-hot ending as a big broo-ha-ha erupts and a bunch of
near-falls before Scorpio hits the Tumbleweed (one guess who jobs) for
the pin. Bagwell and Scorpio would go on to win the World tag team
titles in October. Yes, it’s 1993 WCW, where our motto is “We’ll push
anybody!” **
– Van Hammer v. Col. Parker’s Mystery Man. Col. Rob Parker had made his
debut a couple of weeks beforehand and was pissing on Van Hammer’s leg
(figuratively speaking, of course) because he wouldn’t join his stable.
Hammer slapped him around a bit, and Parker promised a big payback for
Hammer because of it. And who should Parker bring out but Sid Vicious!
This was a huge shock at the time and the crowd pops big for it. And
the rout is on, as Sid dismantles and powerbombs ol’ Van in 30 seconds,
legitimately injuring him and humiliating him so badly that he has no
choice but to become a transvestite and join a creepy band of
quasi-homosexuals after sitting out of wrestling for 4 years. *Sniff*, I
still get weepy when I think about what a service Sid did for wrestling
here… but the match is a DUD
– Don Muraco & Jimmy Snuka & Dick Murdoch v. Wahoo MacDaniel & Blackjack
Mulligan & Jim Brunzell. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. Tony spouts
history like Mike Tenay and Jim Ross on speedballs. The sole high spots
come from Capt. Redneck of all people. Respect for the legends is one
thing, but you’re out of your f*cking mind if you give these geezers 10
or 12 minutes to shuffle around the ring and only 7 or 8 to the opening
tag match. A big brawl erupts and it’s declared a no-contest because of
oxygen deprivation. 1/2* for the flying headscissors Dick does.
– Baron Von Rashke & Ivan Koloff v. Thunderbolt Patterson & Brad
Armstrong. Brad is taking the place of father Bob, who is supposedly
injured here. Since when do commies and Nazis team up? Another shit
match in a series of them tonight, as Koloff and the Baron are older
than dirt. Hey, the legends’ reunion might look like a good idea on
paper, but it’s no fun actually sitting through the matches.
Thunderbolt uses a LAME double-chop for the pin. -**
– A Flair For The Gold: Flair introduces one of the single STUPIDEST
FUCKING IDEAS in the history of stupid ideas, namely promising the
original Horsemen reuniting and then delivering PAUL FUCKING ROMA. This
was SUCH a brainfart on somebody’s part and almost totally ruined the
Horsemen name. I mean, NOBODY bought this former jobber as a member of
the “most elite team in wrestling” for 2 seconds. It’s stuff like this
that frankly leaves me shocked that WCW even survived 1993, let alone
went on to become as big as they did.
– Johnny Valentine joins us for commentary.
– Dory Funk Jr. (w/ Nick Kiniski) v. Nick Bockwinkle (w/ Verne Gagne).
Speaking of brainfarts, here’s Verne Gagne, who didn’t think putting the
World title on Hulk Hogan was such a great idea. Hey, Verne, where’s
the AWA now? Man, talk about the stupidest move ever…I mean, how hard
is it to note that the guy was OVER? Did it never occur to him that
maybe when you fake putting the title on the guy and the crowd nearly
RIOTS that maybe you should actually give him a run as World champion?
Do you think he can draw, Verne? I mean, hindsight is 20/20 and all,
but you’d have to be seriously retarded not to notice that there’s a
seriously huge fanbase worshipping this guy. Ask Vince McMahon…Verne
let him go and like 4 seconds later Vince puts the belt on him and lets
him do his thing for *4 years*. How do you NOT see that kind of star
potential? How do you miss that kind of glaring, golden,
supermodel-lying-on-your-futon-naked kind of opportunity and NOT go out
of business 5 years later?
Okay, I’m ranting again now. Back to the match.
Larry manages to work in the “I retired Bockwinkle” comment a record 4
seconds into the match. Way to go, Larry. Decent, solid, mat wrestling
match which bored the shit out of me, but I can recognize good wrestling
when I see it. 15 minute draw. **1/2 I just don’t want to watch it,
that’s all. And I hate Dory Funk Jr. for other reasons.
– US champ Rick Rude & TV champ Paul Orndorff v. Dustin Rhodes & Kensuke
Sasaki. Worthless time-filling arm-dragging crowd-playing f*cking
boring horseshit featuring my least favorite Japanese wrestler at the
time, if only because I didn’t yet know who Gedo was. At least he
jobbed to Rude in this one. DUD
– Sting v. “The Prisoner”. The parade o’ crap continues. This was
supposed to be Sting v. Scott Norton in a bounty match, but Norton
bailed out of WCW so we get Sting v. The Man They Can’t Call Nailz for
Legal Reasons. Here’s the match: Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke,
choke with a cable, kick, punch, Sting comes back, clothesline, pin.
One of the worst pre-Crow Sting matches you will EVER see, I guarantee.
-***, which is saying something because I don’t usually bother with
negative stars. And you know what…it was STILL BETTER than Sting v.
Hogan from Starrcade. Go fig.
– The Hollywood Blonds v. Los Dos Hombres (WCW/NWA World tag title
match). THE MOTHERSHIP IS CALLING ME HOME! My gods, my lords, my
saviors, Steve Austin & Brian Pillman in the waning weeks of their
greatness before WCW f*cked them over. I relish each opportunity I can
get to watch them tower over every other pathetic team WCW put together
to try and deny that these guys were legitimately over. This one
included. The storyline here is that after Rick Steamboat and Shane
Douglas lost the tag team titles to Steve & Brian, they pulled a fast
one by wearing masks and masquerading as an up-and-coming pair of
luchadores. They of course got the upset win in a non-title match and
earned this cage match for the titles. The joke of course is that Shane
Douglas was fired/quit/got injured/whatever before the whole angle even
started, and it was Brad Armstrong under the other mask. And for this
match, it’s Tom Zenk. Yet the announcers act like it’s Shane the whole
time. No wonder he’s so pissed at WCW. Not a great Blonds match, but
Austin/Pillman was such a better team than everyone else in existance at
the time that there just wasn’t anyone who could work up to the level
they were at. I mean, these guys were in SUCH a serious groove at this
time. Cage doesn’t really factor into this one, as the Blonds use their
tag team stuff to work over Zenk most of the match. Super hot ending as
Steamboat tags in and nails a cross-body…off the top of the
cage…onto both guys! Yow! Ref counts two but the bell rings and the
crowd goes nuts. Just a flub on the timekeeper’s part, however. They
exchange a ton of near falls, then Austin catches Zenk with the Stun-gun
out of nowhere and gets the pin to retain the titles. ***
– NWA “World” title match: Barry Windham v. Arn Anderson. Last hurrah
at the OK Corral for Barry, as this is basically his last good match
before he becomes…that thing that’s in the WWF today. The storyline
is simple: Barry turned down the Horsemen, so it’s ass-kicking time.
And Windham bleeds like a stuck pig as Anderson just pounds the shit out
of him. However, Anderson gets frustrated and shoves the ref around,
and that gives Barry a chance to just wallop Arn with the title belt and
pin him to retain. ***1/4 and the best match on the card. Barry would
lose the title to Ric Flair at the next PPV, but by then it was
meaningless anyway.
– Main Event: WCW World champion Big Van Vader v. Davey Boy Smith.
This was the peak of the “brainless spending” era in WCW, in this case
millions of dollars on Davey Boy, who hadn’t main evented a card in his
life, and then shoving him in a World title match on PPV. I won’t even
bring up the midget. Smith took extra steroids for this one, it seems.
Still, can’t blame both guys for effort here, as they give it the old
college try, even though there’s MAYBE 6000 people there (I’d bet 2000
paid at most) who don’t give a shit anymore. But Davey Boy does some
nice power stuff that Vader is nice enough to sell like a champion and
the crowd is totally into it. Not as good a match as their Clash of
Champions rematch a few weeks later, but still a good power v. power
primer. Bill Goldberg, watch this match and take notes. Match spills
outside and Vader bops Smith with a chair for the disappointing DQ that
sets up…the MINI-MOVIE! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! **1/2
– The various announcers wrap things up.
The Bottom Line: 1993 was without a doubt rock bottom for WCW. They
signed all the wrong people, pushed all the wrong talent, did everything
possible that one company could do to self-destruct, and f*cked that up
too by actually surviving. If it wasn’t for Ric Flair at Starrcade 93,
Turner’s accountants may have actually pulled the plug on the bottomless
pit that was WCW because they lost something like 23 million dollars in
that year before rebounding with the Hogan signing.
I don’t know WHAT they were thinking with this show, which didn’t have a
marketable main event or a particularly strong undercard to back it up.
Good ideas on paper rarely translate well to real life.
Still, the last three matches on the tape are certainly worth a look,
even if everything before is utter tripe.
Later.
