– I did the first Battlebowl last week, so here’s the 1993 version. I’m
just that kind of guy.
– I’m not sure if this one was rigged.
– Live from somewhere in Florida, which Tony later informs me is
– Your hosts are Fat Tony and the Governor of Minnesota.
– Mean Gene and Fifi the Maid do the drawings.
– Opening match: Cactus Jack & Vader v. Kane (Stevie Ray) & Charlie
Norris. Harlem Heat were still Kane and Kole at this point. Charlie
Norris is WCW’s answer to T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tanka. Everyone beats the
crap out of Cactus to start, including his own partner, Vader. Vader and
Jack were feuding at this point. Vader and Jack actually mesh fairly
good once they work out their differences, as Vader systematically
destroys Norris, and more power to him. Norris is just beyond bad. I’d
call Norris the face in peril, but the crowd is pretty solidly behind
the Jack/Vader team, probably because THEY DON’T SUCK. Stevie Ray comes
in and showcases how bad he was at this point. Norris uses his vast
array of offense (big boot, jumping chop, chinlock) to wear down Jack.
Vader gets back and quite rightly no-sells Norris’s lame offense. See,
that’s the proper way to no-sell. Vader uses a f*cked up powerbomb
(couldn’t tell whose fault) to finish off the pathetic Norris. *1/2 for
some good effort from Cactus and Vader.
– Paul Roma & Erik Watts v. Johnny B. Badd & Brian Knobs. Well, I only
hate 3 of the 4 people here. Badd’s got the Baddblaster, but not much
makeup or ring-attire, so we’ll call it a 6 on the Fag-O-Meter. Missy
Hyatt is out with Knobs, and she’s about a 9 on the Skank-O-Meter.
Jesse notes that this is a “non-preparation” PPV. As opposed to today’s
“Preparation H” PPVs. By golly, but this crowd is dead. Exciting
series of armdrags to start, which is not a good sign. Roma has a nice
dropkick. There, that’s my one nice comment for this match. Did Missy
have ass implants done or something? It’s HUGE here. Roma and Watts
work on Badd’s arm while the crowd dozes off. There’s about 194
armdrags here, give or take. Badd and Knobs argue tactics, because
Johnny’s a nice guy and all. Have I ever mentioned that Roma was
possibly the dumbest choice for a Horseman. Missy works the crowd like
a pro, telling them to “shut up” on several occasions. Wow, that’s how
to build heat. Maybe she’ll shove an old lady next. I think there’s
stuff going on in the ring, but if the announcers, camera crew, and
crowd can’t be bothered, then neither can I. Bill Watt’s retarded son
gets the hot tag and cleans house on Knobs, but falls victim to a
handful of tights and gets pinned on a bodypress reversal. Zzzzzzzz.
– Paul Orndorff & Shockmaster v. Ricky Steamboat & Steven Regal. Well,
I only hate one person here. Steamboat and Orndorff start out.
Steamboat works the skin-the-cat spot in about a minute in. They
proceed to do a really nice wrestling sequence for a few minutes, until
Shitmaster and Regal get in. Regal offers Orndorff a handshake and
Steamer flips out. Orndorff and Regal proceed to another nice sequence
and Regal again offers a handshake, and Steamboat blows a gasket again.
Steamboat demands in and Orndorffs whomps ass. Shitmaster comes in and
blows some stuff, and while the ref is distracted by Orndorff, Steamboat
and Regal argue over use of the umbrella, leading to Regal getting
popped with it and pinned. That was a pretty selfish and stupid move on
Steamboat’s part, actually. Good match when Fred Ottman wasn’t in. ***
– Awesome Kong & Equalizer v. Dustin Rhodes & King Kong. Equalizer
would go on to be known as Evad Sullivan, the Kongs vanished off the
face of the earth, although rumor has it that they got so fat that they
became self-contained black holes. The commentary is muted for some
reason at the beginning of this. I’ll spare you the painful details and
just say that Dustin wins it with a bulldog on one of the Kongs. I
presume it was the guy on the other team, but I can’t be moved to care.
It should be noted that the subject of Evad Sullivan comes up, and my
roommate Zenon actually goes and produces his copy of “Hulk Rules”, the
album that Hulk Hogan made a few years ago, which includes “I want to Be
a Hulkamaniac”. He begs me not to editorialize. Match is a DUD
– Sting & Jerry Sags v. Ron Simmons & Keith Cole. Cole is a jobber.
Simmons was teetering on the edge of a heel turn around this time. Sags
decides to not tag Sting out of spite. He’s a bad person, you see.
Sags fall prey to a devastating armdrag by Cole and finally tags out,
triggering the one and only Sting-Simmons match that I’ve ever seen or
heard of. Alas, both guys tag out and we’ve got Sags v. Cole. This
match is seriously going nowhere. There’s only 8 tag matches tonight,
as opposed to the 140 or so at Starrcade 91, so they’re getting a ton of
time. Simmons gets frustrated with clean breaks and goes heel on Sting.
Cole tags in and applies move #848 (ARM-bar). Does everything Cole has
involve an arm? Jesse notes this when Sting is out cold and Cole
applies…a wristlock. Cole gets creamed by Sting and Sags drops the
shitty elbow for the pin. Simmons snaps and wipes Cole out. Not
– Steve Austin & Ric Flair v. 2 Cold Scorpio & Maxx Payne. Payne and
Austin start as the Austin/Flair team has a running contest to see who
can mess with the other’s mind the most. Flair takes the early lead by
strutting away from a tag attempt and then offering words of
encouragement from the apron. Austin gets dominated by Scorpio so Flair
tags himself in. Maxx Payne misses an elbow and the Gods of Wrestling
take over. Flair breaks a rope-assisted abdominal stretch from the
apron and they get into a slapping match. Match drags a bit as Austin
works over Scorpio. Flair and Payne tag in, Payne misses a charge to
the corner, Flair slaps on the figure-four and gets the submission.
Best match of the show so far. ***
– It should be noted that there’s 8 guys left in the dressing room and
about 100 envelopes in the tumbler.
– Rick Rude & Shanghai Pierce v. Marcus Alexander Bagwell & Tex
Slazenger. Tex was last seen getting sacrificed by the Undertaker on
RAW. Rude tosses Bagwell around. Rude has cool tights: Pictures of
all the major players in WCW with “I Beat ‘Em” at the top. Bagwell
executed the basics really well at this point, he was just lacking the
big move and/or a personality. His heel turn in 1996 brought both the
Buff Blockbuster the killer instinct. And a better haircut. Bagwell
gets beat on by Rude and Pierce in a long, dull sequence. This whole
show is one long, dull sequence. Bagwell and Tex do the false tag bit
to cement their role as the babyfaces. Tex gets the hot tag and goes
into a slugfest with Shanghai in what was the hottest crowd reaction of
the whole show to that point! Rude gets a blind tag and hits the Rude
Awakening on Tex Slazenger (who was trying to fight off a sunset flip)
for the pin. Bad match. 1/4* Pierce and Slazenger settle their
differences by beating the crap out of Bagwell. They would go on to
become the Godwinns.
– Hawk & Rip Rogers v. British Bulldog & Kole (Booker T). Hawk levels
Rip Rogers as they come out together. Davey Boy and Booker T stomp him
on the way by. Geez, they did the same joke at the first Battlebowl.
This is the last tag match tonight. Rip sells the beating for about 5
minutes. Smith is blatantly cheering for Hawk. Booker and Hawk
exchange punches and kicks (with Booker stopping to nail poor Rip a
couple of times) for a few minutes. Booker misses an elbow, but Hawk
doesn’t have anyone to hot tag. So he brings Rip Rogers in with a
press-slam, dumping him on Booker for the pin. Crap match. DUD
– Battlebowl: We’ve got Sting, Sags, Knobs, Rip Rogers, Hawk, Rude,
Shanghai Pierce, Flair, Austin, Cactus Jack, Vader, Orndorff,
Shockmaster, King Kong, Dustin Rhodes and Johnny B. Badd. Michael
Buffer does the intros. Rip is *still* selling the beating. That’s the
sign of a class act. Wow, Rip Rogers gets to main event. How bad is
that for WCW at this point? Rip, of course, is bounced about a minute
in. Shanghai Pierce goes soon after. Well, they’re getting rid of the
dead weight at least. King Kong and Shockmaster should go pretty quick,
too. Nope, Badd goes before them. Vader dumps Cactus on a superplex
attempt, and Ornorff gets dumped at the same time by Rhodes. The
Nasties knock out Kong and Shockmaster, finally. Sting is saved from
elimination by the rampway. The Nasties are lowest on the pecking order
so they should go next. Not a very exciting battle royale. I don’t how
Meltzer rates these things — they’re all the same to me. No more
eliminations for a long stretch. Dustin and Austin fight on the floor,
and Dustin of course works in a four-alarm bladejob. Like father, like
son. Finally the Nasties charge Rhodes and get dumped one after the
other. Austin knocks Dustin out at the same time, then Rick Rude gets
dumped and he pulls Hawk out with him. Geez, those were quick. We’re
down to Sting, Vader, Austin and Flair. Austin makes the least so he’s
next to go, I’d wager. Vader beats the shit out of Flair on the rampway
while Sting and Austin go at it inside. Flair ends up doing a stretcher
job without ever being formally eliminated. Race keeps attacking Flair
on the stretcher, in very old school fashion. Vader and Austin team up
to finish Sting, but Sting makes the superman comeback, playing
stick-and-move to avoid being double-teamed. It doesn’t work, as Austin
and Vader beat on him like a ragdoll. Vader adds a couple of splashes
for good measure, but Vader misses a third, allowing Sting a few moments
alone with Austin. Another superman comeback, but Austin regains
control and Vader hits a pump splash. Sting is roadkill. Austin misses
a top rope splash, then Vader avalanches him in the corner by accident.
Sting dumps Austin to eliminate him. Vader pounds on his favorite
whipping boy some more, but Sting gets him in position for a Stinger
splash. Vader falls out of the way, and Sting tumbles over the top to
win an anti-climactic Battlebowl. I don’t rate battle royales.
The Bottom Line: A pretty pointless show overall. Vader goes over
again, yay. The tag matches were uniformly boring and lacked any
emotional investment from the crowd, which is the main problem with this
gimmick to being with: There’s just no way to care about a bunch of
random tag matches unless it’s booked REALLY well. Which this wasn’t.
Not particularly recommended.