The SmarK Retro Repost – Battlebowl ’93


– I did the first Battlebowl last week, so here’s the 1993 version. I’m

just that kind of guy.

– I’m not sure if this one was rigged.

– Live from somewhere in Florida, which Tony later informs me is


– Your hosts are Fat Tony and the Governor of Minnesota.

– Mean Gene and Fifi the Maid do the drawings.

– Opening match: Cactus Jack & Vader v. Kane (Stevie Ray) & Charlie

Norris. Harlem Heat were still Kane and Kole at this point. Charlie

Norris is WCW’s answer to T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tanka. Everyone beats the

crap out of Cactus to start, including his own partner, Vader. Vader and

Jack were feuding at this point. Vader and Jack actually mesh fairly

good once they work out their differences, as Vader systematically

destroys Norris, and more power to him. Norris is just beyond bad. I’d

call Norris the face in peril, but the crowd is pretty solidly behind

the Jack/Vader team, probably because THEY DON’T SUCK. Stevie Ray comes

in and showcases how bad he was at this point. Norris uses his vast

array of offense (big boot, jumping chop, chinlock) to wear down Jack.

Vader gets back and quite rightly no-sells Norris’s lame offense. See,

that’s the proper way to no-sell. Vader uses a f*cked up powerbomb

(couldn’t tell whose fault) to finish off the pathetic Norris. *1/2 for

some good effort from Cactus and Vader.

– Paul Roma & Erik Watts v. Johnny B. Badd & Brian Knobs. Well, I only

hate 3 of the 4 people here. Badd’s got the Baddblaster, but not much

makeup or ring-attire, so we’ll call it a 6 on the Fag-O-Meter. Missy

Hyatt is out with Knobs, and she’s about a 9 on the Skank-O-Meter.

Jesse notes that this is a “non-preparation” PPV. As opposed to today’s

“Preparation H” PPVs. By golly, but this crowd is dead. Exciting

series of armdrags to start, which is not a good sign. Roma has a nice

dropkick. There, that’s my one nice comment for this match. Did Missy

have ass implants done or something? It’s HUGE here. Roma and Watts

work on Badd’s arm while the crowd dozes off. There’s about 194

armdrags here, give or take. Badd and Knobs argue tactics, because

Johnny’s a nice guy and all. Have I ever mentioned that Roma was

possibly the dumbest choice for a Horseman. Missy works the crowd like

a pro, telling them to “shut up” on several occasions. Wow, that’s how

to build heat. Maybe she’ll shove an old lady next. I think there’s

stuff going on in the ring, but if the announcers, camera crew, and

crowd can’t be bothered, then neither can I. Bill Watt’s retarded son

gets the hot tag and cleans house on Knobs, but falls victim to a

handful of tights and gets pinned on a bodypress reversal. Zzzzzzzz.


– Paul Orndorff & Shockmaster v. Ricky Steamboat & Steven Regal. Well,

I only hate one person here. Steamboat and Orndorff start out.

Steamboat works the skin-the-cat spot in about a minute in. They

proceed to do a really nice wrestling sequence for a few minutes, until

Shitmaster and Regal get in. Regal offers Orndorff a handshake and

Steamer flips out. Orndorff and Regal proceed to another nice sequence

and Regal again offers a handshake, and Steamboat blows a gasket again.

Steamboat demands in and Orndorffs whomps ass. Shitmaster comes in and

blows some stuff, and while the ref is distracted by Orndorff, Steamboat

and Regal argue over use of the umbrella, leading to Regal getting

popped with it and pinned. That was a pretty selfish and stupid move on

Steamboat’s part, actually. Good match when Fred Ottman wasn’t in. ***

– Awesome Kong & Equalizer v. Dustin Rhodes & King Kong. Equalizer

would go on to be known as Evad Sullivan, the Kongs vanished off the

face of the earth, although rumor has it that they got so fat that they

became self-contained black holes. The commentary is muted for some

reason at the beginning of this. I’ll spare you the painful details and

just say that Dustin wins it with a bulldog on one of the Kongs. I

presume it was the guy on the other team, but I can’t be moved to care.

It should be noted that the subject of Evad Sullivan comes up, and my

roommate Zenon actually goes and produces his copy of “Hulk Rules”, the

album that Hulk Hogan made a few years ago, which includes “I want to Be

a Hulkamaniac”. He begs me not to editorialize. Match is a DUD

– Sting & Jerry Sags v. Ron Simmons & Keith Cole. Cole is a jobber.

Simmons was teetering on the edge of a heel turn around this time. Sags

decides to not tag Sting out of spite. He’s a bad person, you see.

Sags fall prey to a devastating armdrag by Cole and finally tags out,

triggering the one and only Sting-Simmons match that I’ve ever seen or

heard of. Alas, both guys tag out and we’ve got Sags v. Cole. This

match is seriously going nowhere. There’s only 8 tag matches tonight,

as opposed to the 140 or so at Starrcade 91, so they’re getting a ton of

time. Simmons gets frustrated with clean breaks and goes heel on Sting.

Cole tags in and applies move #848 (ARM-bar). Does everything Cole has

involve an arm? Jesse notes this when Sting is out cold and Cole

applies…a wristlock. Cole gets creamed by Sting and Sags drops the

shitty elbow for the pin. Simmons snaps and wipes Cole out. Not

terrible. **

– Steve Austin & Ric Flair v. 2 Cold Scorpio & Maxx Payne. Payne and

Austin start as the Austin/Flair team has a running contest to see who

can mess with the other’s mind the most. Flair takes the early lead by

strutting away from a tag attempt and then offering words of

encouragement from the apron. Austin gets dominated by Scorpio so Flair

tags himself in. Maxx Payne misses an elbow and the Gods of Wrestling

take over. Flair breaks a rope-assisted abdominal stretch from the

apron and they get into a slapping match. Match drags a bit as Austin

works over Scorpio. Flair and Payne tag in, Payne misses a charge to

the corner, Flair slaps on the figure-four and gets the submission.

Best match of the show so far. ***

– It should be noted that there’s 8 guys left in the dressing room and

about 100 envelopes in the tumbler.

– Rick Rude & Shanghai Pierce v. Marcus Alexander Bagwell & Tex

Slazenger. Tex was last seen getting sacrificed by the Undertaker on

RAW. Rude tosses Bagwell around. Rude has cool tights: Pictures of

all the major players in WCW with “I Beat ‘Em” at the top. Bagwell

executed the basics really well at this point, he was just lacking the

big move and/or a personality. His heel turn in 1996 brought both the

Buff Blockbuster the killer instinct. And a better haircut. Bagwell

gets beat on by Rude and Pierce in a long, dull sequence. This whole

show is one long, dull sequence. Bagwell and Tex do the false tag bit

to cement their role as the babyfaces. Tex gets the hot tag and goes

into a slugfest with Shanghai in what was the hottest crowd reaction of

the whole show to that point! Rude gets a blind tag and hits the Rude

Awakening on Tex Slazenger (who was trying to fight off a sunset flip)

for the pin. Bad match. 1/4* Pierce and Slazenger settle their

differences by beating the crap out of Bagwell. They would go on to

become the Godwinns.

– Hawk & Rip Rogers v. British Bulldog & Kole (Booker T). Hawk levels

Rip Rogers as they come out together. Davey Boy and Booker T stomp him

on the way by. Geez, they did the same joke at the first Battlebowl.

This is the last tag match tonight. Rip sells the beating for about 5

minutes. Smith is blatantly cheering for Hawk. Booker and Hawk

exchange punches and kicks (with Booker stopping to nail poor Rip a

couple of times) for a few minutes. Booker misses an elbow, but Hawk

doesn’t have anyone to hot tag. So he brings Rip Rogers in with a

press-slam, dumping him on Booker for the pin. Crap match. DUD

– Battlebowl: We’ve got Sting, Sags, Knobs, Rip Rogers, Hawk, Rude,

Shanghai Pierce, Flair, Austin, Cactus Jack, Vader, Orndorff,

Shockmaster, King Kong, Dustin Rhodes and Johnny B. Badd. Michael

Buffer does the intros. Rip is *still* selling the beating. That’s the

sign of a class act. Wow, Rip Rogers gets to main event. How bad is

that for WCW at this point? Rip, of course, is bounced about a minute

in. Shanghai Pierce goes soon after. Well, they’re getting rid of the

dead weight at least. King Kong and Shockmaster should go pretty quick,

too. Nope, Badd goes before them. Vader dumps Cactus on a superplex

attempt, and Ornorff gets dumped at the same time by Rhodes. The

Nasties knock out Kong and Shockmaster, finally. Sting is saved from

elimination by the rampway. The Nasties are lowest on the pecking order

so they should go next. Not a very exciting battle royale. I don’t how

Meltzer rates these things — they’re all the same to me. No more

eliminations for a long stretch. Dustin and Austin fight on the floor,

and Dustin of course works in a four-alarm bladejob. Like father, like

son. Finally the Nasties charge Rhodes and get dumped one after the

other. Austin knocks Dustin out at the same time, then Rick Rude gets

dumped and he pulls Hawk out with him. Geez, those were quick. We’re

down to Sting, Vader, Austin and Flair. Austin makes the least so he’s

next to go, I’d wager. Vader beats the shit out of Flair on the rampway

while Sting and Austin go at it inside. Flair ends up doing a stretcher

job without ever being formally eliminated. Race keeps attacking Flair

on the stretcher, in very old school fashion. Vader and Austin team up

to finish Sting, but Sting makes the superman comeback, playing

stick-and-move to avoid being double-teamed. It doesn’t work, as Austin

and Vader beat on him like a ragdoll. Vader adds a couple of splashes

for good measure, but Vader misses a third, allowing Sting a few moments

alone with Austin. Another superman comeback, but Austin regains

control and Vader hits a pump splash. Sting is roadkill. Austin misses

a top rope splash, then Vader avalanches him in the corner by accident.

Sting dumps Austin to eliminate him. Vader pounds on his favorite

whipping boy some more, but Sting gets him in position for a Stinger

splash. Vader falls out of the way, and Sting tumbles over the top to

win an anti-climactic Battlebowl. I don’t rate battle royales.

The Bottom Line: A pretty pointless show overall. Vader goes over

again, yay. The tag matches were uniformly boring and lacked any

emotional investment from the crowd, which is the main problem with this

gimmick to being with: There’s just no way to care about a bunch of

random tag matches unless it’s booked REALLY well. Which this wasn’t.

Not particularly recommended.