What a week! Well, it was okay. It sucked donkey. First I had a problem with Widro, then I had a problem with Hyatte, then I had a problem with Flea, and then I had a problem with Scott Keith. It seems the only person I can trust is myself. Wait a second, someone is calling me to the parking lot. Be right back.
Turning 22 made me realize that it’s time to get serious about my life. No more joking about like I was some kind of internet jester. You want wrestling news? I’m going to give it to you straight.
GARBAGE NEWS. HURRAY.
Raw had moments of up, and moments of down.
Some of the up moments included Chris Jericho’s opening speech, although his match with RVD was one of the worst matches in the history of wrestling.
The Goldust/Booker T match against Nowinski and Regal was also great television. However, Nowinski made 3 technical errors during the match. It is only right that the WWE now send him back to OVW.
The UnAmerican’s had a rare night of bad segments. I must disagree with all the other so called ‘journalists’ who called their interview disturbing or too far. Attacks on President Bush about Afganistan and Osama Bin Laden must be made, and if not by WWE superstars, then by whom?
The final angle bored a lot of people. Jennette, a 411 Staffer, said in PK’s Raw Report, “Was it just me or was that last segment the most boring segment I’ve ever seen in the WWE?†I mean no offense or disrespect, but who is Jennette? Uh oh, got to go.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
WHAT THE HELL? Somebody just attacked me in the parking lot and did this Garbage News thing! I swear to God, I’ll get to the bottom of this mystery !
There are alot of upset Australians who are mad that Hulk Hogan has been removed from the tour of Australia. Shut up, you incest committing drunks.
Last night did you pay to see the head of NWA security fight the wrestler formerly known as The Wall? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUCKERS! SUCKERS!
Buff Bagwell pissed off another promoter. Big shock. I bet he’d make a half way lousy car salesman.
Stacy Keibler could be the next Smackdown person to jump to Raw. This is because she had on air conflict with Stephanie and she’s dating Test. You know what would be an awesome gimmick? If Stephanie became all lesbian and started acting like dad with Dawn Marie. That would shut me up about her voice.
You know what else would’ve been awesome? If during the middle of HHH’s big pep rally speech to all the wrestlers, someone told him to shut the f*ck up and sit his ass down. Instant ledgend.
Raw did a 3.7 this week. It did a 3.7 last week. It will do a 3.7 next week, and our lives will still not improve.
I talked with Widro. He told me that he had no idea who attacked me in the parking lot and did garbage news. I told him I didn’t trust him, but I believed him. Then we stared at each other for a few seconds, and I walked away.
No Smackdown stuff this week. They’ve been up since Sunday. Hell, Eric S does them.
Hey! Let’s comment on some TNA stuff. Remember, I didn’t see the show, so this is just me being very negative with no basis.
There is a new rising star in the wrestling world, and that’s The Truth.
“I believe you, but who is it?”
The Truth is.
“The Truth is what?”
The new rising star in wrestling.
“Is who?”
The Truth!
“No, a lie! Of course the truth!”
Exactly.
“I KILL YOU!”
The Truth became the new NWA champion in the second match. He promises a very rowdy title reign. Rowdy or stupid.
AJ Styles and Jerry Lynn are still having problems. I suggested that they try listening to each other, but AJ just screamed at Jerry to listen to what I was saying. Jerry cried and ran away. AJ followed him. You could hear the make up sex for miles.
A gay man is still Ms. TNA. Faggot. HAHAHAHA! Score: Grutman 1, Homosexuals 0!
I just gave Chris Hyatte a call. I’m still trying to find out who attacked me and replaced junk news with garbage news. Hyatte first asked me about my momma and told me what he’d do to her if he ever saw her. Then I told him to close his fat trap. He realized I was serious and did. I told him about the parking lot incident, and he said he had a feeling that Flea may have been behind it.
My best friend in the world and closest internet chat buddy, Lo Ki, is the new NWA: TNA X champion. And that’s the truth!
“No, he’s the heavyweight champion.”
No, Lo Ki is X champion.
“That’s not the Truth.”
Yes it is!
“The Truth is low key?”
He’s actually pretty intense.
“I KILL YOU!”
Lance Storm was fired for having a conversation with his wife about having another child.
A dog fired Lance Storm for pooping in a field of wheat. What a glorious field it was. I’m so drunk. At least I wish I was.
Lance Storm shot and killed NWA X Champion Lo Ki.
Lance Storm was arrested and put on trial. He was found innocent but insane and forced to live in a mental hospital for 28 years. He then got out and snorted a line of cocaine off of Stephanie McMahons 18 year old son’s nipple. He was fired.
Flea didn’t do it either. He’s too drunk. That leaves Scott Keith, or SCOTTY K! Scott Keith, I know what you did, and all will be revealed in an interview I will give at the end of this report! Unless it was Jay Brower. Thanks alot for the comparison, Murphy. Just for that, you don’t get a plug this week. Not that I hate Brower. His name just reminds me too much of the bad guy from Super Mario Brothers.
READ THESE FUCKING COLUMNS! YOU SHEEP!
Gamble and Rivett get them this week. So does Hyatte. So do you! That’s right, you get a plug this week! I plug you!
THE ANSWER TO THE WHO DUNNIT!
I’m glad you’ve all stuck with me on this journey. As many of you may remember, I was attacked at the beginning of this report and replaced with a certain writer who wanted Junk News to become Garbage News. Now, I’d had problems with many members of my 411 family this past week, so I wasn’t sure exactly who it was. My choices were boiled down to Widro, Hyatte, Flea and Scott Keith.
Widro, hah! Widro doesn’t have the balls to go through with it. Hyatte? We all know that Hyatte has lost his EDGE! He used to be able to hang with the big dogs, chasing after RICKITY bones with a FLEA clinging to his back. Flea. I don’t know about this guy, what his motivation is, how much he’d love to hurt me. I have no idea. What I do know is that the man had 2 bottles of Cuervo Gold when I was attacked in the parking lot. That leaves nobody but Scott Keith. SCOTTY K! I know what you did, Scott and it breaks my heart to tell the whole world… wait a second. I just got word that Scott didn’t do it. But if Scott didn’t do it, then who could have?” Murphy? Nason? Whoever this Jennette person is? One person who had it out for me, one person who had something to prove, was Claire Flynn Boyle. Actually, I forgot to plug her and love her work. Go read it. But I’m getting off topic.
All I know is that finding this person is the most important thing in my life right now. This attacker. This playa hater. I had it down to four candidates, and all four have proven to have not done it. I’m just glad that I was here to support myself and search for my attacker.
Wait a minute, I’m getting a special report in from Widro… oh. Hey, they found a video tape of my attack. You know what? I’m having a lot of fun with this investigation. Really, what will playing a tape play? Nothing to no one. You ever watch Blair Witch 2? It teaches us that video tape can be deceptive! DON’T PLAY THAT TAPE! DON’T YOU DARE PLAY THAT TAPE!
So now you know? Why’d I do it, you ask? Why’d I attack myself. TO SWERVE YOU, YOU SHEEP! HAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE INTERNET GAME, AND I AM THAT DAMN BORING!
Really, it would have been awesome for some guy to stand up during Triple H’s speech and told the Game to blow him.
This is Grutman too. I mean, um, bye.
