Another day, another $27.95.
Pre-game show notable only for Steiners-Nasties match, with LOD interfering and triggering a three-way brawl.
Scheme Gene hypes hotline, interviews Alliance to End Hulkamania. Luger says all deals with Jimmy Hart are off after tonight.
(End pre-game)
Uncensored, brought to you by Jacques Strappe Athletic Supporters: Your balls are safe in our hands.
And yes, that joke is relevant, as you’ll see later.
WCW Uncensored, live from Tuppelo, Mississippi, home of Elvis (not the skater). Our hosts are Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone and Dusty “I can’t believe my son was on Conan” Rhodes.
And speaking of Conan…
Opening match: Konnan v. Eddy Guerrero for the US title. Before the event, we got a Konnan montage, plus Tony talks about how Eddy’s going to win the belt tonight, so put your money on the US champ here. Nice mat wrestling going on, but Rhodes and Heenan wouldn’t know a wrestling hold if it bit them on the ass. Eddy and the champ do dueling crowd chants (Eddy getting a better reception, FWIW.) The announcers mention how much both guys respect each other, which, in announcer-ese, means “Yes, we know it’s a boring match but we have to watch it too, you know.” This was like watching a Steven Regal match: Good stuff to be found somewhere, but too much time in between. Konnan looks as though he’d rather be back in Mexico. End comes when Guerrero goes for a rana or something along those lines, and Konnan headbutts him in the crotch (which is the first in a long series of crotchshots tonight) and gets the pin. A heel turn is briefly teased, but then no one cares about Konnan anyway so they don’t go through with it.
Scheme Gene interviews Robert Parker about his match with Madusa.
Lord Steven Regal v. Belfast Bruiser. Okay, everyone who thought this match would be any good, put up your hands now.
Liar.
I was expecting the usual from Regal, especially against someone I’d never seen before in Finlay. Namely not much.
Wow, was I wrong. This was, in a word, brutal. Ugly, brutal, nasty, and very, very stiff. I don’t if these guys hate each other legit or what, but this featured the most vicious looking kicks and punches I’ve ever seen on a WCW show. Regal gets in crotchshot #2 in spectacular fashion. Tony gets in one of the great lines of the night when he sums up the match thusly: “This is a brutal, brutal match. They’re just beating the snot out of each other and we’re loving it.” Regal even juices hardway after a particularly ugly Finlay right. Finally, the Bluebloods run in and beat the crap out of Finlay for the DQ. Regal gives him one final insulting slap on the way out. This was just wild. It was so realistic that it was almost uncomfortable to watch at times, like when Regal got busted open. Something very different from a normally watered-down federation.
Scheme Gene hypes the hotline — again — and talks about a major star getting ready to hang up the tights for Hollywood. Sorry, Gene, but RSPW already beat you to the Bret Hart rumor.
Madusa v. Robert Parker. Yeah, I can see why Debbie gave up the WWF title for this. Who cares about the match, Madusa’s having a swollen breat day. Not bad for a comedy match, actually. Madusa bridges Parker for the pin, but Dick Slater hooks the leg and Parker covers for the win.
Lee Marshall interviews the pod people masquerading as the Road Warriors. They promise to put Sting & Booker T in diapers. Sort of. Well, at any rate we saw that gimmick done to death already in the WWF. :)
Diamond Dallas Page v. The Bootyman (w/ Kimberly) (Career v. 6.5 million and Kimberly). Tony takes *yet another* shot at Johnny. Yeah, well, f*ck you too, Tony. The announcers claim Hogan sent Brutus “Zodiac/Clipmaster/Bootyman/Butcher” Beefcake into the Dungeon of Dummies as a spy. Uh-huh.
Well, it’s nice to see Ed working to improve himself. He was, only a few weeks ago, still running a distant second to Giant Gonzales in the “Worst Wrestling in the History of the World” contest, but with the booty-shaking gimmick, he has now passed him! Congratulations and good job, Ed. Your hard work to further deteriorate yourself is not going unnoticed by people who used to think you were cool.
Hey, wasn’t this supposed to be an “I Quit” match? What’s with all these pinfall attempts? Tony talks about how Page has hit rock bottom, what with losing all his money, titles, and woman and all. That would seem to telegraph a miracle comeback win. So Page is controlling the match, but he tries to kiss Kimberly, she slaps him, Bootybarber hits the high knee, and DDP is out of wrestling.
Ahem. I must have typed that last part wrong. I could have sworn I just said DDP lost.
[Checking notes]
Shit. DDP lost.
Okay, insider types, does this mean his contract is up or something? If it is, then the whole storyline ranks, in my mind, as possibly the most humiliating way to dispose of a wrestler I’ve ever seen. If this is leading up to some huge payoff match for DDP where he wins it all back after coming out of retirement somehow, then this is an angle that’s gone on waaaaaaay too long. Either way, something is mighty screwed up here.
Scheme Gene interviews Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger. Hart tells Luger to reconsider, says he loves him, man, and gives him a special Lex Luger memorial jacket. Luger looks touched. This was really quite funny, actually.
Giant v. Loch Ness. Mark your calendars, the Giant carries a match. Words can’t describe this one…the dropkicks, the flying headscissors, the senton by Loch Ness, followed by a Space Flying Tiger Drop by the Giant. Wow, what a classic.
All kidding aside, the Giant squashes Loch Ness in about a minute with a legdrop. I’m starting to like this guy.
Sting & Booker T v. The Road Warriors (Chicago Street Fight). The WCW producers have helpfully labelled the match as a “Chicago Street Fight” at the bottom of the screen. Not much actual street fighting in this street fight, with the exception of some pretty pitiful chairshots. Paging Cactus Jack to the arena, you’re needed here. For those, like me, keeping track of the important things in life, like crotchshots, here’s the tally for this match:
– Animal crotches Sting with his forearm
– Animal lies on the mat with legs spread, and Sting falls forward and headbutts him in the crotch.
– Hawk is on the top rope, and Sting shakes him off onto his crotch.
– Hawk kicks back and crotches Booker T in the corner.
– Sting drops Hawk crotch-first on the top rope.
– Booker T falls off the top rope onto his crotch.
– Booker T wraps up the crotch-fest on Animal soon after.
Yes, folks, 7 crotchshots in one match. I think we have a record.
Maybe Cactus Jack has just set the standards for street fights too high in WCW, but this just didn’t do it for me most of the way. About 30 minutes in, Booker T walks out (Note to WCW bookers: Street fights don’t last 30 minutes in real life.) and goes to the dressing room. Animal follows him, where we find Luger posing in front of a mirror with Jimmy Hart and Stevie Ray looking on. Animal tries to hit Booker T, but misses and sends Luger crashing into a garbage can. Great moment as Luger complains about having his hair messed up and attacks Animal. Luger and the Heat triple-team Animal and handcuff him to a pole while Booker T makes his way back to the ring. Hawk survives 2-on-1 (Sting unaware of the whole situation, of course) until Stevie Ray makes his way to ringside, wallops Hawk with a chair, and Booker T gets the pin.
Random musings on this match:
– This whole Luger-Sting thing is just out of hand now. Either turn both or one or do something else to further the storyline besides having Luger keep going heel. We already know he’s a bad person at heart, we don’t need to be constantly reminded.
– Sting has now won the title of “Biggest Dope on the Face of the Earth,” narrowly edging out Hulk Hogan for the most turns against him. This is really getting ridiculous, and any intelligent person would’ve dumped Luger on his ass out the back door by now. This had better be building to a Luger-Sting WCW World title match on PPV sometime in the future because otherwise it’s a big waste of time and it’s making Sting look Stupid. Capital S intentional.
– The Roadies are old and fat. Let’s face it, folks.
And speaking of old and fat…
Doomsday match: The Huckster and Nacho Man v. Eight guys who we all know don’t stand a hope in hell.
Buffer messes up from the get-go, calling the Geritol Gang the “Mega-Force.” Flair breaks his own record in this one, jobbing twice. So Hogan and Savage start in the top cage with Flair and Anderson, and they basically do weak brawling for a few minutes, before Hogan and Savage escape to the next level of the cage to face Meng, Barbarian, Kevin Sullivan and Lex Luger. This is actually where it gets good. Hogan locks Meng and Barbie in their own cage, then it turns into a good old-fashioned fight on the floor with the Megapowers against Luger and Sullivan. I have no idea what’s happening with respect to the rules anymore, but it’s a good brawl so who cares. Sullivan gives Hogan crotchshot #10, btw, while they fight on the scaffolding. They all fight to the ring, where Sullivan gives Hogan crotchshot #11. Hey, works for me. I guess some randomly determined amount of time has passed, because now they fight back to the four-tiered cage and go into the ring on the bottom, fighting with Fatal Attraction and Zeus all the way. Hogan gets Basic Instinct and Savage takes Zeus on. Both Zeus and Final Analysis still suck, btw. Zeus and Nuclear Reaction pound on Hogan and Savage for a while, then Flair and Anderson inexplicably run back into the ring again, presumably because the heels need someone to job. Luger joins the fray for fun, then the Bootyman runs in and gives the Megapowers, ahem, frying pans. This leads to the funniest line of the night, again given by Tony Schiavone:
“Luger is obviously a fresh man…he hasn’t been hit with a frying pan!”
Top that one, Joey Styles. ;)
Sooo, Flair holds Savage so Luger can wallop him with the pre-requisite black loaded glove, but Savage ducks (which Luger clearly sees) and Luger hits Flair instead.
I’ve heard of seat-of-your-pants booking, but with respect to Luger, this is getting silly. Next thing we’re going to hear is that he has an evil twin, I bet.
So Savage covers Flair for the pin…
Quick logic break: In the ring are WCW World champion Ric Flair, JTTS Arn Anderson, TV champ Lex Luger, hideously untalented brute Editorial Retraction, and actor Tony Lister. Who does the job?
If you said Ric Flair, send your resume to
WCW Booking Commitee
c/o Turner Broadcasting Systems
CNN Center
Atlanta Georgia.
There may be a place for you in the organization.
Anyway, I’m not really sure what I thought of the show overall. I think I enjoyed it, but it was so confused at times that I’m not sure.
