Hi there! I’m Flea and welcome to Saturday. I would chitchat with you longer right now, but times a- wastin and there’s a whole bunch of stuff to get to today. But I do hope you weekend is going well. Mine is going just fine, thanks for asking
Oh! Shout out to GRUT! Happy Birthday! Can you believe he didn’t even want a present? I think GRUT needs a hug. He just hasn’t been himself lately. Happy Birthday, kiddo and Flea loves you
JERKING HIM OFF!!!
Ha ha ha ha. Dice Clay rules.
Let’s get to it .
TOP STORY
Well, Raw was decent enough but I thought Smackdown kicked ass. I’m sure the people that saw Smackdown think the same, although the number of people that actually watched Smackdown continues to dwindle. 2.7 says Nielson, but you do have to take into account that the show was not shown in NYC or LA, which, according to people who know stuff, really, really hurt the final rating. I’ll accept that as a theory and hope that the WWE does too, in lieu of going into panic mode and resetting everything AGAIN. Not needed and not necessary, says Flea. They are on the right track with a lot of things and scrapping what’s happening right now ain’t gonna do them a damn bit of good. Surprisingly enough, what should have been the “story of the year” has been met with apathy and disdain, at least from the Internet Wrestling Community
When I say “story of the year” I’m talking about the in ring return of my number two favorite wrestler of all time, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. Good lord, it’s been over four years since he has wrestled a match but all anyone can seem to talk about is his religion, his attitude and the fact that he is probably a faggot. I guess folks don’t realize that we are only a couple of weeks away from the return of the greatest in ring performer over the last ten years. Can he still get it done? That’s a tough one to say because expectations will be so high due to his reputation of having off the chart matches. However, HBK always had great timing and great psychology so I think his match with HHH will definitely be very good, but without all the crazy bumps, may fall short of a classic. But all that aside, no one really seems to care that he and H are about to fight. I blame this apathy on the viewer’s part on HHH. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like H and think he’s a hell of a talent (not to mention I don’t buy into all that supposed “backstage” shit) but H can’t seem to commit himself to this angle. His best angle (and matches) of his life came when Cactus returned and H went over the top to cement himself as a main event talent and someone who could “carry the ball” into the 21st century.
Which puzzles me to why this angle appears to be dead on arrival. Shawn is gonna need all the help he can get, but H just can’t seem to commit himself to said goings on. It seems that since H came back from his injury, he has been half assing it, confused to whether he should be a face or heel and not being able to recapture his 2000-2001 form. This has led to the esteemed on-line community coming down hard on him, even more so than usual. But don’t include me in that crowd, I think the guy is good and as long as he performs in the ring, I don’t give a f*ck what he does. Kinda the way I feel about HBK. But if he is not going to take this angle seriously, I think HBK’s return will just add to the list of “failures” that the Fed has presented to us as of late. Before I say anything more about this, I think it’s time for a run-in
HHH is GOD and here is why!
First, I would like to give Master Flea my thanks for letting me having some space to make a few comments.
I’ll admit, first and foremost, that I’m a HUGE fan of Triple H: Flea can back me on this. That’s part of why I feel such a need to speak, but not the only reason.
While perusing columns on 411 and other sites, one thing has become crystal clear to me: there are a lot of men out there who are jealous of Triple H. Wrestling columns, which I would hope would be somewhat more objective in general, have been bashing him left and right like he’s the new whipping boy in the business. In news reports, writers feel no shame in openly and repeatedly accusing Triple H of being gay, in love with Shawn Michaels, a cripple, in love with his sledgehammer which is an extension of his penis, etc.
Come on, guys! I understand that you want to and have a right to make comments about things, but this jealous bashing has got to stop! When things are said like, “JR is verbally fellating HHH”, you’re making yourselves look like a bunch of jealous, homophobic children!
You say that Trip has had everything handed to him? Right. If you want to talk about someone who is getting things handed to him, has no personality and has yet to have proved himself, look at Brock Lesnar. Someone please explain how he became King of the Ring to me! Yes, Trip has had some lucky breaks, but many wrestlers have in one way or another.
Trip is one of the hardest working men in the business. He spent EIGHT months working to come back to the ring: yes, for himself, but also for his fans. He has become someone who can be respected for his work ethic and the fact that he knows that at the end of the day, all that matters is that the fans have been entertained. If this means that he has to be a nasty heel that everyone hates, he does it. He does whatever it takes, which is more than many wrestlers do. This is someone who finished a match after he had torn his quad and it had rolled up underneath his skin. He did this because he wanted to give the fans a good show regardless of his pain. Yes, there are other wrestlers that do the same, but they aren’t being bashed.
Yes, I’m defending Trip. Yes, I’m sick of reading immature diatribes where some short d*ck man is railing on Trip. All of y’all who make negative comments about Trip and try to insinuate that he’s gay are just jealous.
Jealous that Trip is a successful man.
Jealous that Trip has the integrity to come back from an injury that would have crushed you.
Most of all, you’re jealous that Trip has all the women screaming for him.
So, you have all spent a great deal of time dishing it out: I guess we’ll see if you can take it.
Thank you again, Flea, for the time and space. I apologize ahead of time for any flack that you might get for adding this to your column. Then again, you know the adage: hell hath no fury like one of Trip’s bitches scorned!!
No problem, sweetie. And don’t worry, YOU are the one that will get the flack. That was courtesy of The Rat Diva, who can be reached at TheRatDiva@aol.com. And be nice, you lunkheads. Back in my day, flames are what we called faggots.
To sum it all up, I’m happy happy happy that HBK is coming back to the ring and I will forgive him if all he does is punch and kick. That seems to be the “in thing†at this time. Let’s hope H takes care of him.
HEADLINES
According to most of the reputable on line sources, Hulk Hogan has apparently stepped on his dick.
A bunch of people are saying that he pulled out of the tour of Australia due to Vince’s lack of coming off the Benjamin’s and the fact he has a birthday coming up and doesn’t want to spend it on a plane. Now, stop and think about all this for a sec. Do you really think Hogan would do that? I mean, the guy has more money than God and is currently having the time of his life as his career comes to an end. He has a bad back and has been working injured since Wrestlemania, unselfishly doing the j.o.b to plenty of folks, knowing that the Hulksters rub is still worth it’s weight in Gold. His tag team run with Edge unfortunately ended way too soon, as Hogan did just enough to make every tag match enjoyable. Of course, Hogan’s history is a little shady, but I think he knows where his bread is buttered and The Fed ain’t Turnerland. The most recent rumor regarding Hogan’s bitchiness just shows me that some folks still hold a grudge towards him and will get their barbs and digs in anyway they can.
And the whole “Hogan’s upset because Rock made fun of his age”? Where have you folks been for the past 3 months? Hogan has dropped his guard and talked about his age, his wrinkles and his big orange bald
head. So NOW he gets to whining cause Rock-E said something? Cracker please! (that ain’t my attempt to
maintain street cred, I was asking my best friend in life Sheldon (a 6’3 250+ bald black dude) to get me a cracker, please. He don’t care if I use that dreaded “n” word, but he thinks that white folk who try to sound black by saying “Nigger, please” ain’t nothing but a bunch of retards. Who am I to argue? Anyway, Hogan is getting a bum rap here, me thinks. The guy is doing right by everyone, so leave him alone. I’m just confused to why just last week, all the “know-it alls” were saying that Hogan WAS NOT a draw anymore. If that’s the case, then why are all those Australians pissed off? Oh, they bought a ticket to see HIM. Go figure.
Quick note on the NWA-TNA.. I just said last week that I wasn’t buying it anymore and for at least one week, I held true to that statement. But by all accounts (cept one) this last week it was a kick ass show, seeing K-Kwick become champion of the upstart, but tradition rich, promotion. Maybe next week I will give it another shot. Nah, I’m going on vacation next week. Maybe I’ll try it again the following week. Maybe they should give me a package deal – $34.95 a month. I’m sure the new liaisons between NWA-TNA and the cable companies are thinking of all sorts of things to draw in viewers. At least that’s what BOB says. And we all know how I feel about him.
According to the newsline, Juvy is a whiny little bitch and is not far away from getting deported. That’s really a pity, because with the re-emphasis of Crusierweight wrestling on the Smackdown brand, Juvy would fit right in with Rey, Knoble, etc. Ah, f*ck it. If I wanted to watch midget wrestling I would go and rent an old WWF Coliseum video.
And speaking of the man who has been trumpeting the Crusiers for just SO many years now (“It’s gonna happen BY GAWD, just you wait and see!”), here is everyone’s favorite Raw announcer…Good Ol’ JR!
THE ROSS SAYS THIS
In the latest Ross Report, JR says that he is still in Florida, although I have yet to see him at my house, much less Gene Mean. I’m thinking he read my column last week and appreciated the invite, but the threat of OLD COOT BEATING if any shenanigans happened made him stay elsewhere. Too bad for him, but I do have my limits. He starts of this week sorta kinda apologizing for the Hulkster’s no – show of Australia, but doesn’t go all ape shit with apologies. I’m not sure if this is an inside dig on Hogan or not, but in his next paragraph, Good Ol’ points out that Val Venis (dropped a weight on his head) and Maven (still has a broke leg) aw hell, let me show you what he said
JR: Some talents would have opted to not make this long plane trip with similar aches and pains, and Val and Maven are to be commended for their professionalism and willingness to fulfill their commitments.
Right. And just because I feel like being cool I’m going to use some RASSLIN TERMANOLOGY just like all the big boys Good Ol’ PUTS OVER Bull Buchanan, PUTS OVER Kane, PUTS OVER Flair, PUTS OVER a best of seven betwixt Some Other Guy and RVD, ah f*ck it, I hate that term.
I will leave it up to YOU the reader to interpret this one
JR: If villains want to be jeered, then why do they break the majority of the rules directly in front of the referee? The antagonist masters that stand out in my mind were the rugged sons of guns who were expert in rulebreaking that was more often than not concealed from the referee. Defiance or cheating in front of the official is a great way to be “cool” or cheered in today’s marketplace, unless I’m having another “senior moment.”
Yeah sure, blame the f*cking wrestlers JR. Why don’t you see to it that the REFS are trained properly! Tommy Fucking Young and Marc Fucking Curtis ALWAYS managed to be preoccupied when someone was cheating. Having a ref that’s staring right at everything ain’t the wrestler’s fault. And I don’t know what the f*ck a “senior moment” is.
JR suggests that Coach is a farm animal f*cking pervert. And he don’t like the names Jamal or Rosie. And that some dude from Tough Enough and that fat pig Anna Nicole would make a cute couple. And that GRUT is a chump for thinking he is the only one who can do “junk news”. Huzzah.
JR: I would loved to have had a beverage with Gordon Solie this week but my mentor is, unfortunately, not with us any longer. I will break bread with Mean Gene Okerlund, who is alive and well. Wish Bobby Heenan could join us.
I didn’t know that the Brain died. And, like I said (haw!), JR was more than welcome to hang with me. I’m pretty sure “break bread” is an Okie term for eating and drinking. And I miss Solie as well. But I do remember Tully, do you?
JR: I would think some talents with weight issues would be more inclined to personally address those issues but, unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. This is not my “cryptic message of the week,” but a direct statement to those that are too heavy. More than one talent should use some self-discipline and get into “game shape”. These matters have been thoroughly addressed. Again.
Damn. Just when I thought Super Porky would make a great bodyguard for Rey Rey, JR starts with the weight thing again. Speaking of Rey, JR likes him. Eddie too. And Rico and the Hardys and Benoit. So long as they keep that weight under control, they are good eggs, at least from where JR sits.
And that’s pretty much it from Good Ol’ J. (Boomer Sooner) R. It’s always a pleasure to see kayfabe wrapped around viciousness.
IN OTHER WORDS
BOSS has a review of NWA-TNA and E.C. will most likely be lurking around. Also, the 411 FORUM
has a new format and a new (old) new again HOMBRE in town, CARLOS~! He’s calling the shots assisted only by BIG Boss Man, or someone of equal stature. Go say hello and tell em Flea sent ya! And start a thread about me. Nah, start a thread about Hyatte – his ego needs it. Hell, start a thread about GRUT,
he needs love too.
PAGE SIX
Two things here. One is not all that pleasant, so I will do it first. For your loyalty, I have something REALLY special for you at the bottom. So if you don’t want to sit through the unpleasantness, just find the ******* and scroll accordingly…
* * * * *
Now then, if I can be serious for a moment
For all of you that got offended by Lance Storm’s reference to 9/11, grow up and accept reality. 9/11 happened and burying your head in the sand like a f*cking OSTRICH or crying the blues every time someone make an what is deemed an “inappropriate†or “offensive†comment is not going to change what happened. Does that sound insensitive? I hope it does because although I have a very high tolerance for bullshit, I am sick and tired of people saying how insensitive it is to “bash†or “demean†what happened 9/11 while attempting to portray themselves as patriots or keepers of the “what’s appropriate to say†flame.
Quick note here: Was I affected by 9/11? Well, the company I work for had 5 departments blown to smithereens, and while I did not “personally†know many of them, I did a lot of business with said fellow employees. So they are gone. Among the departments destroyed by the act of cowardice was Payroll, which prevented a whole lotta people from getting paid. That personally didn’t affect me, but many folks I work with live “paycheck to paycheck†and that sent their lives into a tizzy. To compound things, my company has projected losses over ONE BILLION DOLLARS, which a year later has lead to layoffs of several hundred people. Those fortunate enough to survive the layoffs took hefty cuts in pay, which is the lessor of two evils, but definitely a kick in the balls/snatch. On a more personal note, when 9/11 happened Desi, my wife, was out of town on business and due to the upheaval in airline travel was not able to make it home for an additional eight days, leaving me to explain to our child, as she cried herself to sleep every night, that although Mommy is safe, she will not be home anytime soon and there are, in fact, bad people in this world. I just wanted to let you know that yes, I was affected by 9/11, just so some of you who want to flame me will have that in your mind, cause your old pal Flea is about to be a prick.
Nothing sickens me more that people who tell me how I should feel or think about things, especially when they think that “sensitivity†is the best way to bury there heads in the sand and ignore life. “Oh, it’s okay to laugh now that Letterman said soâ€Â. “Hey, let’s show how much we care about America – let’s buy FLAGS (most of which ended up in an unpatriotic way – crumpled on the highway with radial tire tracks overshadowing the stars and stripes). Or my personal favorite: “Oh, we must view 9/11 with reverence and respect – any comments questioning the whys and hows must be overlooked, or else you are NOT a patriot! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to America and if you do not think that you are a sick, miserable human being and do not to deserve to be called an AMERICAN!!!!†Hogwash is what I say.
You want a description of a real Patriotic American? How about a man who served three tours of duty in Vietnam while most of the current TV commentators, musicians, etc. were busy being “intellectuals†and telling the common folks that it’s alright to protest. After this Patriotic American’s second tour of duty, he was greeted at the airport by a overwhelming mass of protesters, who spat on him, threw rocks at him and called him a “rapist†and “baby killerâ€Â, among other things. At the time he did not know what to think but was flabbergasted that so many people could bastardize what he considered the “ultimate sacrifice†– serving your country and being willing to die for freedom. Needless to say, 8 months later, after serving his third and final tour of duty in a jungle he has only referred to as “Hell†since then, he was more prepared for the protesters and so called “intellectuals†– the first one that spit on him got a stiff right hand right in the f*cking mouth. Oddly enough, these “brave protesters†cowered in fear, as a plane full of soldiers were ready to smash some hippie heads. Now then, isn’t it odd that at this point in time the “real†patriots†are considered an overrated singer from New Jersey who gets us in touch with our sensitive side by releasing an album about 9/11 and a late night talk show host who hid like a coward for a week before letting us know it’s okay to laugh? Oh, and don’t let me forget about all the people that “know†what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable to talk about in regards to 9/11 – they are the patriots. It’s never someone who has enough grip on reality to be able to accept that yes, indeed, tragic things happen and all the bogeyman and bad people do not go away if you choose not to accept that reality, i.e. express and opinion that may not be “acceptableâ€Â.
I showed the videotape of RAW, featuring the “Lance Storm commentsâ€Â, to the Patriotic American I described above. His response? “The Iron Sheik did it betterâ€Â. So I said “you do not find what he said inappropriate or anti-patriotic?†After laughing his ass of for a good two minutes, he said “No. It’s only a TV show. Besides, you hear the same rhetoric from respectable news people and it’s taken as gospel. Anyone who would have their political opinions shaped by a wrestler should probably take their heads out of their f*cking asses. And anyone who gets offended by something like that probably is scared of their own shadow.â€Â
Those words were from someone who has seen their fair share of tragedy, not to mention had to deal with me as a son for 32 years. Thanks Dad.
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And now, as a gift to all of you (and because Hyatte dropped in one line about this
and managed to get about 30 people to ask me “Hey man, hook me up”), here is a chance to win something
It’s the First Annual FLEA GIVEAWAY~!
No, you don’t win me, you freaks. But what you WILL win is a FREE PASS to Honkytonk Man’s Website!
Yes, this $5.00 value is brought to you by me, Flea, just because I’m rich, drunk and feel like having
fun. So here’s how you win…
A couple of game rules
1. The winner will be determined by me taking all of the correct responses, assigning them a number
and then spinning my ROULETTE WHEEL until I get a winner. Sounds fair to me. Anyone currently
employed(ha!) by 411 is not eligible. That means YOU, dipshit.
2. Whoever wins, do me a favor. Do not share, post, or disclose the password. If you do and I’m informed
that the account is closed and I’m out a fiveski because 50 people are using the same password, well, I won’t incriminate myself in print to what would happen to you, but trust me, you won’t like it.
Great! With all that out of the way, here’s how you win!
Scour the Flea archives of 411 and find the poem I wrote for those 2 hick homos, Matt and Jeff Hardy.
Here is a hint – it was in an EXCESS report. Find it, cut it, paste it and mail it to me.
RyderFakin@aol.com. Believe me, when you find it, you will know.
Sounds simple enough. The winner will be announced in the Monday Edition, right after Summerslam.
Good luck and remember – it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because I’m the one f*cking this cow.
Or something equally Southern.
This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.
