All your life is Time Magazine
I read it too; what does it mean?
– Billy Joel, “Pressure”
AOL TIME-WARNER MUST DIE
I really, really hate it when my neurosis du jour ends up on the cover of a major news magazine. If you tell someone that you suffer from bipolar disorder, the first thing they’ll say or think is “Sure. You just said that because you saw it on the cover of Time”. The difference here being, of course, that it’s what my psychiatrist says I suffer from, and, trust me, it’s real. Besides, you know how…well, unhip your psychiatric condition becomes when it hits the cover of Time? Hell, do you think I’d ‘fess up to it unless it was real?
According to my shrink, what I have is called Type II Bipolar Disorder. In layman’s terms, it’s when you’re not quite manic enough to be considered manic-depressive. In fact, a person is actually better off if they had full-blown manic-depression. That’s easy to treat. Type II isn’t. The mood swings are less pronounced and go on a quicker cycle. Instead of being able to use a chemical bludgeon, this requires a lot more finesse to deal with.
Fortunately, we live in good times. A few years ago, I would have been put straight on lithium carbonate, no arguments. Of course, lithium has such wonderful success stories like Kurt Cobain to back it up. That stuff would kill me faster than my high cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood sugar, and the pack and a half a day will eventually do so. Then, someone discovered that certain anti-seizure medications, especially one called Lamictal, can also help people with Type II Bipolar Disorder. So right now I’m on a six-week habituation to Lamictal. Well, let’s see if this works. Hey, even if it doesn’t, I won’t get any seizures. Of course, I never had seizures before…
STAT THAT SHOULD DRIVE EVERYONE MENTALLY ILL
With his win at one of the eight billion tournaments a year sponsored by the cars he pimps, Tigger’s career stats are pretty much identical across the board to Tom Watson’s. Except for the fact that he’s done what he’s done in one quarter the number of tournaments it took Watson. Sometimes the word “dominant” isn’t strong enough.
MENTAL ILLNESS ALSO AFFECTS CELEBRITIES
Nic Cage and Lisa Marie Presley? Tell me this wasn’t timed to take advantage of the Silver Anniversary Of Necrophilia surrounding Elvis. Hey, if you gotta be a publicity whore, go all the way.
A STAFF THAT WILL DRIVE ANYONE MENTALLY ILL
Oh, shit, Hyatte pimped everyone. Hell, he’s got more readership than me, so everyone here should be grateful.
NOW FOR A LITTLE STABILITY…YOU’RE A MORON: DID YOU THINK SOMEONE WOULDN’T TELL ME?
The winner here is Fred Carlton, otherwise known as Thug Life Fred, a former columnist for TWNP News, emphasis on former. He did something that’s a big, big naughty, even in the world of the IWC: he plagiarized. Worst of all, he plagiarized from me. He copied, word for word, my Bagwell rant of last Wednesday and posted it at TWNP News as his own work (Of course, he fits in perfectly with the whole site. Take a look at their Forum. It’s a direct copy of the old Smarks forum from the EZBoard days). So I started a little bit of C&D action with a few very, VERY serious threats against them.
Here’s the mail I sent to Kevin Romano, the webmaster of TWNP News:
Dear Mr. Romano,
It has been brought to my attention that Fred Carlton, aka Thug Life Fred, posted a column on August 10th on the subject of Buff Bagwell. I would like you to note that this entire column was cut-and-pasted from my column at 411wrestling.com on August 7th. Please note this link:
http://www.411wrestling.com/columns/article.php?columns_id=1243
Scroll down to the header named “HIS NEXT JOB WILL BE AT BLOCKBUSTER”.
This, sir, is called “plagiarism”. It’s also a violation of copyright. I would request that you perform the following actions in order to avoid me filing a lawsuit against you, Mr. Plummer (Shawn Plummer, the column board admin), your site, and Mr. Carlton:
1) Terminate Mr. Carlton’s employ by your site immediately.
2) Keep the offending column up until at least Thursday, August 15th, since I will be linking to the column in my Tuesday column at 411, and I would like my readers to know about this situation.
3) Post a public apology to me and to 411wrestling.com at the top of your page immediately, and leave it there for a period of no less than seven days, along with a full explanation of what happened, a link to my column, and a link to Mr. Carlton’s column.
If you do not comply with these requests by midnight, Tuesday, August 13th, I will have no choice but to contact my lawyers, and I will recommend that Widro and Ashish do the same, since their copyrights have also been violated.
Yours respectfully,
Eric Szulczewski
411wrestling.com
Pretty reasonable for me, huh? I didn’t mention anything about smearing the webmaster across the Pentagon or threatening to chew off his face or calling in some of my chits from the Outfit. Damn, these meds must be working…
That was on Sunday morning. On Sunday afternoon, they notified me that the column had been removed and that Fred Carlton had been fired (but didn’t do the apology). I felt that was an acceptable compromise and regard the issue as dead. So I have nothing against TWNP News, but I do against Fred Carlton. Next time you rip someone off, don’t do it with someone who has a huge fanbase, a fanbase that does wonderful things like tipping me off to people stealing from me and giving me the addresses and phone numbers of people who screw with me (yes, Jason Gallo, I mean you).
Don’t screw with me. It’s a lesson that can be very painful.
And a memo to BJ Bethel for your remarks to me in the mail on this issue: we always credit sources in our news items, unlike a lot of other sites (just take a look at one of Ashish’s breaks, which always tell you the original source of the item at the bottom). Damn, if there wasn’t a prohibition here against going after columnists on other sites, I’d say that your initials are the only reason I can think of why Keller keeps putting your piece of shit imitation of the Short Form up on the Torch. But, of course, I can’t say that.
Speaking of not wanting to screw with me, let’s go on to Raw. Scott and PK have the dirty details.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Harvard and Molly Holly over Spike Dudley and Trish Stratus, Intergender Tag Match (Pinfall, Harvard pins Dudley, double underhook corkscrew slam): The Blown Spot virus is running virulently through the women’s locker room, brought in by Jackie a few weeks ago. Now Trish has been infected. At least four visibly blown spots, if you count the slap on Finkel. Nice little entertaining piece of trash, and nice little bit of continuity with the Spike/Molly relationship.
Booker T over Lance Storm, Tag Title Shot Match (Pinfall, scissors kick): Didn’t Finkel announce Christian rather than Storm? You know, they could have easily covered up for that error by saying he was still shaken up from hearing Kane’s intro. Ah, yet another missed opportunity to bring some internal continuity to the show. Nice match, though, as can be expected from these two. However, the Test and Undertweener run-ins were such a blatant attempt to make a match for SummerSlam that it brings the whole enterprise down a notch or two. And, for God’s sake, who wants to see a Test/Undertweener match?
Chris Jericho and The Big Show over Ric Flair and Buh Buh Ray Dudley (Submission, Dudley submits to Jericho, Boston Crab): No, not the Walls of Jericho, Ross. That’s done from a standing position. A lot of things surprised me in this match. How well Dudley worked with Flair, for one. TBS actually making a solid contribution and looking like he actually belonged in there. The mere presence of Ric Flair can perform absolute miracles. And if there’s anything that can erase the stigma of burial on Jericho, it’s a feud with Flair. Lesser men have made entire careers out of a feud with Flair. Jericho can get back on top, where he belongs.
Tommy Dreamer over Stevie Richards, Hardcore Title Match, Only One Weapon Allowed (Pinfall, chair shot): Standard ECW bag of tricks here, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. It was sorta nice to see it again, even in sanitized form.
Rob Van Dam over Jeff Hardy, Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Another Hardy Heel Turn. Another Hardys Breakup. Wake me up when it’s over. However, the question has to be asked: if Matt goes to SD as has been rumored, does Lita get to appear on both shows considering that she’s valet to both Matt and Jeff? BTW, Jeff, take a f*cking bath, okay? You look like the casualty of a particularly gruesome pre-school finger painting class gone horribly wrong. Rick McBride compared his look to A Clockwork Orange, but I think that would be disrespectful to Anthony Burgess, Stanley Kubrick, and Malcolm McDowell.
Trip, Test, Lance, and Christian over Flex, Book, Dust, and Tweener, Eight-Man This’ll Pack ‘Em In Ratings-Wise Main Event (Pinfall, Test pins Undertweener, superkick): BoreGames. Jeez, Scott, why did you like this thing so much? The damn extended rest holds on Booker in the middle of the match just killed it. A nicely-executed schmozz for the ending doesn’t make up for that. Talk about exposing the fact that this is scripted.
Angle Developments:
Rantus Interruptus: Reasonably effective promo from Trip to start off the show, I have to say. He does a terrific job in putting across rather gory imagery in a low-key manner that makes the “horror” more effective. A lot of people bitch at him for having a more mediated style than the no-talent who interrupted him, but that’s a virtue. It’s a more realistic manner of promoing. Wrestling fans are conditioned to expect over-the-top, and that’s why they react to Flex more than Trip in the promo area. But I definitely prefer Trip in this vein. He’s someone that I can understand better because he’s more visibly human and less a caricature. A lot of young guys are taking the same route to good effect, which can only help wrestling in the future (Mike Sanders, for one, was like that in WCW…hey, Hyatte says that Sanders says that 411 is one of his favorite sites, so he could be reading this, and, hey, it’s true, so why not throw a pimp out to him?).
By the way, no check in the mail for you, Mister Levesque. One Pedigree isn’t enough. A minimum of six is required. On concrete.
Another Missed Opportunity: You know, Bisch could have really solidified his power-mad image. Go back to the end of the promo with Flex. Bisch says “I’ll think about it.” Imagine how great it could have been if, a second later, Bisch says “I thought about it. No.” Flex makes threatening gestures, and Bisch tells him that even though he’s (ugh) Undisputed Champion, Bisch still has the power to keep him off Raw. Flex backs down. That would have been so much better instead of inflicting a match featuring Flex, Undertweener, and Test on the audience.
She’s Back Where She Belongs: Of course, the real reason My Beautiful and Beloved is now on Raw is because she wants to spend more time nursing me back to health after the trauma of LASIK. However, I’m not as dismayed as Keith when it comes to the juxtaposition of her table dancing and Mini-Dust being attended to by EMTs in the ring. That’s because I figured out quickly enough that WWE hired that new writer they’ve been looking for, and it’s someone who’s had a combination of one too many head injuries and one too many Fellini films.
Running late again. Tomorrow, more wrestling news, Mailbag, maybe another You’re A Moron depending on who gets pissed at me for dissing the main event. Until then, I have to take a shower, shit, and a Paxil, in some order.
About Eric Szulczewski
