I thought that my home was my castle,
But no one is scrutinizing me.
No pigs, no lying bitch, no hassle.
Y’all are brutalizing me.
Can’t a man not drink his beer in silence?
Can’t a man not crudely lie and scream?
Can’t a man not control his bitch with violence?
Y’all are brutalizing me.
Y’all are brutalizing meeeeeeeee.
– Mr. Show With Bob and David. Fuzz the Musical.
Guess who that song is dedicated to?
A couple of quick notes before we get to it. I’ve cut back on blowing Hyatte in my column because he hates it, but I gotta get a quick note out to him since I haven’t seen him online recently. Fans of Hyatte, enjoy him while you can. I just read his past two stories and finished a really long one about a hole, and I can tell you that he’s going to be in a new line of work sooner then later. The man writes so brilliantly that I truly believe it’s a shame he’s hidden his work on the Internet. Anyway, I want to write a screenplay based on the one about the hole. It’s quite honestly the most compelling piece of fiction I’ve read in a long, long time.
Also, I’m putting members of my Austin mob on notice. We’re not acting yet, but it looks like the shit is about to hit the fan. By the way, if any of you have any strong leadership skills, I’m down to co-lead the mob. Send your resume to VPJG@aol.com, RE: MOB CO-LEADER. By the way, the arrest stems from the same incident, so he hasn’t broken the agreement he probably never read that I wrote.
Thanks to Flea for saying happy birthday. It’s nice to be remembered by the person I had the most fun working with on the site.
And screw you, kid at weinerville who said he hates my reports and likes my fiction. You get what you pay for! Ah, the kid’s all right. Way to speak your mind!
Also, there are some new google hits when you type in my full name for sites not affiliated with 411wrestling and some don’t even say I suck! www.planetvolpe.com/main.htm. MWA-WRESTLING.COM. www.sinistas.livejournal.com. SINISTRA’S LIVE JOURNAL! I made it Ma!
Also, I have invented a new slang term, at least in one place. Let’s start with that, shall we?
I GET LETTERS FROM NICE PEOPLE.
Just thought I would drop you a line to let you know that the YMCA here in Waxahachie, TX is a big fan of yours. Right now we are doing our summer daycamp and I work as a counselor for the kids. Number of kids range from anywhere from 80 up to 110 kids a day. All of the other guy counselors including myself all read your article and love the Lance Storm jokes. In fact we’ve turned it into tradition at our job.
For example we had a new female lifeguard start work last Tuesday and she got changed in the regular dressing room instead of the lifeguard one. Why we have a lifeguard one I don’t know. So with the help of another fellow counselor we had her in fear of her job. I told her that it was a direct policy violation what she did and that she was gonna get in trouble. Well the other counselor was like “Yeah Lance Storm did that a few weeks back and got fired for it.” She wasn’t a wrestling fan and thought Storm was really employed by us at one point and started to get worried, we eventually let her in on the joke an got pushed in the water for out trouble.
And not even the kids are safe from being Lance Stormed. About two days ago I tried to fire one of our kids and he told me he wasn’t Lance Storm. In turn I told him “True you aren’t Lance Storm, but he is your dad and the reason that our diving board was taken down from the swimming pool and you’re fired none the less.”
With the younger kids that are 6 and 7 we tell them that they have been Lance Stormed and they know that it means they were fired or put in timeout. About two weeks ago we actually had a parent ask us why their child said they had been Lance Stormed. I did the best I could, said I didn’t know and then kind of walked off really quickly as their attention was drawn to their kid who was doing something to the candy machine.
Like I said just wanted to let you know that you have infected the YMCA with Lance Stormitus. Oh and you’re column f*cking rocks.
Wayne Long
Yeah! If I have made life worse for just one child, then I have succeeded.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Steve Austin (I won’t use Williams. What’s the difference between the man and the character anymore?) has been arrested for allegedly beating his wife. Although pissed off at being arrested, Austin was satisfied that he was able to flip off and stun 3 officers before he was taken down.
Steve Austin was arrested in Texas, which means that if convicted, he will be executed.
After posting a $5,000 bond, Steve Austin said while being led out of the courthouse, “Nothing happened. I would rather not comment right now.†However, the actual transcript reads like this. “Nothing happened. (WHAT?) I would rather not comment right now. (WHAT?)â€Â
I thought this was Steve’s second marriage. It turns out to be his third. He really wanted all of his marriages to work, which is why he took his father’s advice and stayed on the beaten path to happiness.
I’ve tried to get a comment from Steve Austin, but he is not picking up his phone. I think I have the right number, as the answering machine message is a woman screaming for her life.
Oh, I know that he surrendered himself. The cops gave him a deadline to turn himself in, and Austin considered running again. He changed his mind and decided to turn himself in. Ironically enough, he barely beat the deadline also.
That’s it for now on the Austin situation. We’ll see if any more news pops up.
X-Pac is unhappy at home, and has yet to be released from his contract by the WWE. Eric Bischoff promised the matter would be resolved shortly as he left the Federal Express building.
Crash Holly may try to announce on Heat. It’s either that or fight Jackie for the 80th time.
The Roaddog would be in the NWA right now if it weren’t for that blasted house arrest. In the mean time, Roaddog is planning to release a new line of ankle bracelets.
Raw got a 3.95, with the overrun doing a 4.5. In a huge shock, it didn’t even involve Brock Lesnar! HOLY CRAP!
You won’t believe this one. The WWE and UPN refuses to promote a book during Smackdown that exposes dark secrets of the WWE. I KNOW! I thought they’d be jumping at the bit to promote that thing!
Oddly enough, the PTC is no longer allowed to show commercials during RAW or Smackdown. I thought Bozell and Vince were friends now?
So, what happens on Smackdown tomorrow?
Well, first of all, Brock Lesnar comes out. He’s followed by Paul Heyman. They talk crap about Hogan, and that brings out Rikishi. Rikishi says he’s going to back his ass up tonight. Mark Henry hears this and runs away, screaming like a school girl.
H, HH and Shannon Moore fight Billy, Chuck and Rico. We also see the new addition to Smackdown from Raw. I’ll tell you what, Stephanie McMahon has some RUTHLESS AGRESSION to get all these men from RAW! The match ends when Mark Henry runs away, screaming like a school girl.
Mark Henry fights Kurt Angle. The match ends when Mark Henry runs away, screaming like a school girl.
Brock Lesnar fights Rikishi. The match ends when Mark Henry runs away, screaming like a school girls.
Mark Henry drinks a cup of tea with some honey in it because his throat hurt.
Funaki talks to Nidia and there’s some problem with D-Von and Batista. The segment ends when Mark Henry runs away, screaming like a school girl.
Edge and Rey fight THE MOTHER FUCKING GUERRERRORRO FAMILY! CHEAT TO WIN! The match ends when Chavo tries to run away from the ring at the end of the match. Unfortunately, he bumps in to Mark Henry who runs away, screaming like a school girl.
Mark Henry meets with Stephanie McMahon and asks why he’s involved in every segment in the show. Stephanie screams at Mark to get the hell out of her office. Mark Henry persists, telling her that his screaming will not equal ratings. Stephanie then gives Mark Henry an inspiring speech, telling him that Lance Storm refused to scream like a school girl after every segment on Raw and was fired. Mark Henry gets the message and runs away, screaming like a school girl.
The Rock fights Chris Benoit in a non-title match. The match ends in tragedy, as Mark Henry makes his way to the ring. He attempts to run up the ramp, screaming like a school girl, but he did too much running. He is completely winded and his vocal cords are strained, and he manages a few jogging steps and a barely heard scream before collapsing on the ramp, clutching the left side of his body. EMT’s attended to him after a 45 minute long rib on Brock Lesnar by Vince McMahon and the Rock, during which they tried to get Brock Lesnar to do a spinarooni. Mark Henry is in stable condition at the ICU in a local Seattle hospital. He promises to be back up, screaming like a school girl in no time.
Hulk Hogan is going to be taking a good deal of time off to heal and be with his family, and possibly to die of old age. If so, I bet most Internet columnists will do the ‘daring’ thing and write an article about how much they hated Hogan and how they won’t miss him. LIVE, HOGAN! LIVE TO SPITE THEM!
Goldberg is going to wrestle in Japan on the 30th and 31st of August. I think I’m going to unfortunately miss that one, but I look forward to reporting on the career ending injury he gives to one of his opponents. But it’s all good, because he and Rick Steiner went down to Ground Zero to boost morale, and those WWE assholes weren’t anywhere near the site. I LOVE YOU, BILL! YOU GIVE ALL US JEWS GOOD NAMES!
According to an ad in a cable bill (always the most reliable source for news) it looks like Brock Lesnar will be beating the Rock at Summerslam. Did anyone ever really stop and think why this is happening with Brock Lesnar? They tried pushes like this with others, but they always backed down right when the wrestler was getting really hot. Why go all the way with Brock? Four Words: Fuck You, Steve Austin. I swear to God, that’s the only reason Vince is doing this. It’s the same reason he fired Steve Austin’s close friend, Lance Storm.
Undertaker took his post match rib on Raw very well. He laughed it off back stage, then went to Vince and demanded that the mastermind behind the rib be fired. So long, Lance Storm.
A Philadelphia Eagle, Levon Kirkland, is performing Booker T’s hand stare after making a good play. Taking more from his hero, Levon was arrested for holding up a Wendy’s.
Man, I’m almost done with four pages and I have a looooong interview at the end. I enjoyed doing it, so read it.
Hey! Guess which wrestlingvixxxxxxens have released a DVD in which you can see their boobs and probably some lesbian stuff? No, not Chyna, but close.
Wrestlemania X9 can we call it XIX? Anyway, it’ll be in Seattle, home of grunge and WTO protests. In the main event, Brock Lesnar will eat a foot long hot dog. Trust me, this makes sense if you look at the big picture.
Mr. Tito gave Raw an A- this week. Scott Keith gave the main event 3 and a half stars. Chris Jericho, who believes the show was an A+++ and the main event of Raw was a 900000 star classic, condemns both men to hell.
Junk news! Huzzah!
Read these columns, you sheep.
And Another Thing is a good column. It’s Hyatte’s other shit that is going to make you proud to say you knew him back when he was writing on a website. Really, you have no idea how good the hole story is.
Benovitz is back with a new Tornado DDT top ten list! Here, he covers the top ten things he didn’t write about while he was on his vacation. #1? RIC FLAIR!
Joe Rivett covers my favorite subject in the world, Lance Storm.
It’s great to see Flea back on Saturday’s, and he was the only columnist to wish me a happy birthday.
It’s not up yet and probably won’t be for a week, but keep an eye out for a TALE.
I forget the name of the article, but in the video games section there are people fighting about video games.
And now
ME AND DANIELS!
VPJG: We’ve never done a me and Daniels for my report, have we?
Kaisen316: I don’t believe so.
VPJG: Would you like to?
Kaisen316: sure
VPJG: Okay. Tell the nice people who you are and what you do.
Kaisen316: I am Tom Daniels, or just Daniels… I do The Week In Wrestling every… err…. most Sunday nights for 411.
VPJG: Well, DUH! You’re not a paid wrestling journalist unless Widro’s been screwing me. What do you do in your other life?
VPJG: By the way, a fine column.
VPJG: Eric S. loves it to death.
VPJG: I like it a lot.
Kaisen316: Thank you very much. I am a recently graduated college student with a Master’s in Computer Science… I, unfortunately, still work in a Video Store until my big paycheck as a WWE writer starts coming through.
VPJG: Blockbuster?
Kaisen316: I’m glad the both of you like it… A lot of people send me E-mail saying “I’m glad Eric referred me to you” so his pimps help. No, A supermarket chain in my area called Price Chopper has video sections… I work there.
VPJG: Don’t worry, I ain’t no rocket scientist yet either. “More coffee, sir?”
VPJG: If only they knew I was Joshua Grutman…
Kaisen316: I’m one step above paper or plastic.
Kaisen316: but I do adjunct professor stuff at Siena College, too
Kaisen316: which is almost like a real job.
VPJG: No it’s not. Back to the video store. Any perks? Free videos?
Kaisen316: With sitting in a lab and surfing ebay.
Kaisen316: We get the new stuff on Friday that doesn’t come out till Tuesday… we get to take that stuff home for free. I also work on the photo developing machines, which may lead to more interesting questions.
VPJG: Nah. Seen any good movies lately?
Kaisen316: Clockstoppers was surprisingly decent. I also recommend Suicide Kings to anyone who asks.
VPJG: Was that the one about the kid with the watch who could stop time? It was a remake I believe.
Kaisen316: Really? I know it was like a Star Trek Episode. I actually just found out like three days ago that Mr Deeds was a remake, when we got the old version in to sell.
VPJG: (Don’t worry guys, I’m building to the big questions. We’ve got to soften him up first.) Yeah, Mr. Deeds was a remake of a Capra film.
VPJG: I haven’t seen that one yet.
VPJG: You a big Adam Sandler fan?
Kaisen316: it’s worth a rent. Not Another Teen Movie was hilarious, too… the DVD has a pop up video version. The first three movies, yes… the devil one not so much. SNL stuff… yeah.
VPJG: Little Nicky. What a f*cking waste of 8 hours of my life. I’ve seen it on tv 4 times.
VPJG: Still, he’s a great human being.
VPJG: You ever kill a man, Daniels?
Kaisen316: Yes… I am a big fan of the spot in every movie where he pulls the other guy’s shirt over his head and punches him in the face.
VPJG: So, you like violence?
Kaisen316: Unfortunately, no… but there are sooooooooo many candidates if I ever decide to snap.
Kaisen316: You work in retail…. you know.
VPJG: Like who? Who is on your “death” list?
VPJG: Kaisen316: Widro.
VPJG: WHAT?
Kaisen316: No no…
Kaisen316: Widro is a fine human being.
Kaisen316: That was one of the other personalities.
VPJG: Kaisen316: Widro must die.
VPJG: MY GOD!!! OUR BOSS?
VPJG: Who else?
Kaisen316: Dear Lord, I don’t know what’s come over me.
VPJG: YOU WANT TO KILL OUR DEAR LORD?
VPJG: You’re a brother of Israel also, right?
Kaisen316: Who can say that the 20th century wasn’t all Satan?
Kaisen316: (Devil’s Advocate… another fine flick)
VPJG: Are we playing “Let’s Quote Keanue Reeves Films?” Cause you’ll win.
VPJG: All I have are, “EXCELLENT!” And “WOH!”
Kaisen316: No…. “Let’s quote the one Keanu Reeves film I’ve seen since Bill and Ted’s”
Kaisen316: which would be…….. 1
Kaisen316: Actually, let’s put Keanu Reeves on the list.
Kaisen316: And Carson Daly
VPJG: All he wants to do is to entertain the nice people. And you goddamned liar! You’ve seen the Matrix.
Kaisen316: ok….. 2
VPJG: And you LOVED Hardball.
VPJG: Well, at least Speed.
Kaisen316: Hardball is awful. Never saw Speed.
VPJG: Speed was a fun movie.
VPJG: And a fun drug, or so I’ve heard.
VPJG: Speaking of drugs, which ones have you tried, Daniels?
Kaisen316: Just legal ones.
Kaisen316: I like to drink… and still play a lot of Beirut/Beer Pong… I’m in denial of being out of college.
VPJG: I’m an asshole man myself.
Kaisen316: ah, that’s a fine game as well, but can get quite vicious.
VPJG: You ever wake up next to a girl you didn’t know?
Kaisen316: Nope… have done things I don’t remember, but always managed to get home alone. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I leave for your readers to decide.
VPJG: Bad thing. Who’s your favorite wrestler?
VPJG: Top 5 list! GO!
Kaisen316: 5. Chris Jericho
Kaisen316: 4. Goldust
Kaisen316: 3. Booker T
Kaisen316: 2. Chris Benoit
Kaisen316: 1. Low Ki
VPJG: Low Ki, eh? Good choices. You a TNA man?
Kaisen316: I enjoy the X division a whole lot. The rest of the show I can take or leave. I could care less about the World Title scene or the Tag Title scene. I watch it for the Flying Elvis’s and the X division matches.
Kaisen316: sooo…. I watch it for two matches or so per week.
VPJG: How about that Malice vs. Head of Security match? I mean, MAN!
VPJG: NON STOP ACTION!
Kaisen316: FIRST BLOOD even.
Kaisen316: Like I said… two matches a week. For two bucks, I can handle it.
VPJG: As for the X division, why not go to a ballet to see pansies in tights jump around each other? I want to see rest holds! Punching and kicking! POWERBOMBS! YEAH!
VPJG: I want my wrestlers so roided up they have giant blackheads all over their backs!
Kaisen316: I do go to ballet… Saratoga Performing Arts Center have plenty this time a year…. but I can get my homoerotic fix on TNA…. EVERY WEEK… and not even be considered a pussy whipped pansy for going!
VPJG: True. You’re a wise man, Daniels. You’ve moved up as a major player on the site since your old column, which was (in your words) a lot more work. You were there long before me, but I got the news spot. That piss you off?
VPJG: It irked Morse off, if I remember correctly.
VPJG: How does it feel knowing that in my first 6 months I won column of the year while you always had to play second or third fiddle to the Hyattes and Widros? Now that you’re finally really popular, how do you plan on getting revenge?
Kaisen316: Not really… Widro asked me and I didn’t want it. You do a much better job at it than I did anyway. I did the Weekend News a couple of times and I remember it being a pain in the ass.
VPJG: YOU’RE AVOIDING THE ISSUE! How do you plan to strike against me?
Kaisen316: I find it much more amusing to make you wonder. You live in NY, I live in NY… I’ll be down in your neck of the woods for Summerslam….. JUST KEEP LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, PUNK!!!
Kaisen316: Besides, I don’t think my column is all that wildly popular.
VPJG: Jesus. My little brother made me wait on line for 6 hours so the tickets he wanted would be gone by the time we got to the door.
Kaisen316: But eventually, I will usurp your news posi… I mean I will get a news column…..
VPJG: I said ticketmaster.
VPJG: He wanted to meet Lita.
VPJG: It was a fun wait.
Kaisen316: I have an In…. a friend of a friend works for the Pepsi Arena in Albany… and he knows a guy who knows a guy, etc…. so we ended up in section 214 with no wait.
Kaisen316: go me!
VPJG: Any extra tickets?
VPJG: No?
VPJG: Okay.
VPJG: Ready for some association?
Kaisen316: Nope… only got four.
Kaisen316: shoot.
VPJG: Here we go…
VPJG: Give me your ticket.
VPJG: JUST KIDDING! HAHAHAHA!
VPJG: Seriously, here we go.
VPJG: Widro.
Kaisen316: Rules!
VPJG: Scott Keith.
Kaisen316: Played out.
VPJG: Lo Ki.
Kaisen316: Kicks people in the face for my entertainment.
VPJG: Animal (the muppet, not the ex-wrestler.)
VPJG: (He played the drums)
Kaisen316: Dressed in a bah mitzfah outfit in Muppets from Space Saying “OY”
VPJG: You’ve just pissed off a lot of Jews. In that vain, Hyatte.
Kaisen316: Watch the movie, it was hilarious.
VPJG: Yeah, but you just gave a male muppet a female ceremony.
VPJG: Hyatte.
Kaisen316: no no… he wasn’t in the ceremony… he was playing in the band FOR the ceremony.
Kaisen316: or the party.
VPJG: This argument bores me. Hyatte.
Kaisen316: Great Writer, read him since the Red Stripe days.
VPJG: I love that beer too. Shane Douglas.
Kaisen316: Had it in ECW. Lost it in WCW
VPJG: Okay. People who ask you like 50 questions about a movie and walk away without buying anything.
Kaisen316: DIE DIE DIE DIE
VPJG: Zeus (The Greek God, not Tiny Lister.)
Kaisen316: Although people who walk in five minute before closing and take 20 minutes to choose are up there, too……….. Biding his time before the great resurgence.
VPJG: Dog, Ape and Man. (I hate those closing people. I just kick them the hell out. I don’t get overtime.)
Kaisen316: He is DOG, APE, AND MAN!
VPJG: Not since he died. Mel Gibson in What Women Want.
Kaisen316: Not the Romantic Comedy Type. Could have went my entire life not seeing Mel in stockings and still been a complete person.
VPJG: Finally, describe Thomas F. Daniels in exactly 15 words.
VPJG: (Your middle name is Frank, right?)
Kaisen316: Easygoing guy who really wants out of the video store and a real paying job.
Kaisen316: damn… first try.
VPJG: Easygoing as one word is a tough call. Let’s ask the judges… there are none. Okay!
Kaisen316: Then I win by default!
VPJG: Well, it’s been a pleasure. Signs ends with Joanquin (sp?) Phoenix beats the hell out of an alien with a bat. That oughta piss off some people. This has been a long one but a fun one. We should talk more often.
Kaisen316: Anytime… I’m also awake all hours of the night.
VPJG: Also, the Aliens hate water.
VPJG: Have a goodnight, TD.
Kaisen316: You too JG. Till next time.
VPJG: Any last words for the public? (Most of them stopped reading a while ago.)
Kaisen316: Yes: Video store employees have not seen every movie in the store… and most can’t offer you their opinions on “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” no matter how much you wan them to.
VPJG: A typo to end the interview. How… sad.
See you all next week with a very special look at what make Brad Jennette tick.
