William Shakespeare once wrote of sound and fury signifying nothing.
Those were eloquent words. Slamboree was a three hour waste of time that didn’t even have sound and fury to keep the viewer’s interest.
I’m not one to toss around phrases like “boring pile of shit” and “total waste of airtime” and “worst PPV of the year” but I think, realistically speaking, that all three apply quite nicely to this insult to the intelligence that was masquerading as a PPV.
Even discounting for the moment the fact that I’m a WWF fan more than anything, I can still watch a show objectively, and this was a really, really, bad show.
How bad? Well…
Opening match: Steven Regal v. Ultimo Dragon (TV title)
This was the best match of the card, and that’s not saying much. And it was the start of a pattern tonight, because this was a looooooooong match. Around 20 minutes, I think. Steven Regal is not made for long matches. To be honest, the Militant Canucklehead contingent lost interest pretty quick and turned to discussing the Simpsons while this was going on, so I’m not even going to give it a star rating. At any rate, Steve Regal eventually hits the Regal Stretch for the submission and his fourth TV title, although at this point you’d be hard pressed to find someone who cares about that title anymore. This was a SHITTY choice for an opening match, that much I’m sure of.
Madusa v. Luna Vachon (Women’s title)
We spent more time making jokes about the implants than watching the match here. Luna has, uh, developed rather dramatically since her appearance in ECW. Both women phone this one in, and that’s saying something considering that neither is particularly good to begin with. Madusa wins with the German suplex, I think there’s some kind of angle involving the championship belt, but who really cares?
Randy Savage comes out for an interview, DDP comes out to accept the challenge, Savage runs away, nWo runs in, DDP takes them out with a crutch, nWo gets the advantage, Giant cleans house. Whatever. This advanced nothing. Savage and DDP don’t like each other. Well, duh. Waste of five minutes.
Rey Mysterio v. some Japanese guy whose name I don’t remember.
Why the f*ck was this on a PPV? For $27.95, you’d think WCW would deign to at least allow the fans to watch Rey beat someone who they know. Stick this crap on Nitro, but not in the middle of a major show. Rey wins, big f*cking deal. I mean, I’m as much a fan of workrate as anyone, but I’d least like to see some name guys on a big show like this. Instead I get Rey Jr. against some kid who just had his debut match in WCW last night.
But it gets worse! Yes, it is possible!
I may have the order wrong here, btw.
Jeff Jarrett v. Dean Malenko (US title)
Sorry, folks, but Jeff Jarrett is just not on the same level as Dean Malenko. And this was one incredibly dull match. Jarrett tried the figure four like, 14 times in this match, finally hitting it near the end. The match ends when Jarrett gets tossed from the ring somehow, Steve MacMichael tosses him back in, and Malenko puts him out of his misery. Again, I ask, so what? This advanced nothing. We’re an hour and a half into this drek and nothing of note has happened yet. This stupid Horsemen angle has been going on forever. Either split up and get back together or something. And what happened to the big Benoit-Guerrero-Malenko hate triangle that was forming last month? Where did that disappear to?
Mortis v. Glacier
At least it was short. They do some stuff, Adam Bomb (or Wrath or whatever) runs in for the DQ about two minutes in. Then some kickboxing guy whose name I didn’t catch because picking my nose was infinitely more interesting than this match saves Glacier. Canadian Sensation immediately dubbed him “Chocolate Mousse” and I just call him “Mousse” for short. Next match, please.
Meng v. Chris Benoit (death match)
At this point, it’s a battle to stay awake. This does nothing to help it. Here’s the synopsis: Benoit carries Meng’s fat ass for what seems like half an hour, selling moves that he shrugs off when anyone else does them, until Meng hits the dreaded Tongan Death Grip for the submission!
Chris, this is a heartfelt plea: Go to the WWF now. Call Vince MacMahon. Call Bret Hart. Get out before it’s too late. The Hart Foundation needs you. Brian Pillman needs a partner. You can escape the madness.
Steiners v. Konan and Hugh Morris.
Glorified squash for the Steiners. I think some kind of face turn by one of the Dungeon members was teased, but I’m nearly catatonic due to boredom so I’m not sure.
I’m begging to be put out of my misery by now, but the worst was yet to come…
Reggie White v. Steve MacMichael.
I take every bad thing I said about Scott Putski back. I would gladly, with a smile on my face, watch Scott Putski from now until the end of the decade as long as Reggie White never, ever, ever steps in the ring again. Ever. He f*cked up a clothesline. Twice. He was that bad. It took Mongo 20 minutes, and *two* suitcases, to finally put this idiot down for the count. *I* could have taken Reggie White in two minutes, and it takes Mongo *20*????? This was easily the worst PPV match of the year.
The “main” event: Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, Kevin Greene v. the Outsiders
Oh, god, please let it end. I don’t care if Sting doesn’t come down from the rafters, or if Mr. Perfect doesn’t debut, just LET IT END.
Here’s the rundown: nWo member comes in, poses, points to a face. Face comes in, poses, points to an nWo member. Repeat for 10 minutes. Insert Syxx’s very gay-looking move (you know the one) which draws a “Faggot” chant from the crowd. Ref bump, pier-six brawl, nWo goes down, Nick Patrick comes in, counts the pin on all three nWo members at the same time. Match over. Thank god. Tony and Dusty are gushing about how it’s a major win for WCW, as though this show actually meant something.
And that’s it. Roll credits. No Sting, no Hennig, no Raven, no Luger, no Hogan, no point.
Thumbs down doesn’t even do this justice. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, memorable about this tripe. I could hardly even remember what matches took place ten minutes after watching it.
And the scary thing is, I’m sure this won’t even be the harshest review of the show on the ‘net tonight.
I’m going to go watch some ECW now to wake myself up…
