The SmarK Retro Repost – Road Wild ’97


How *does* WCW manage to do it?

They have a perfectly respectable, albeit boring, PPV going, then in the span of two matches they f*ck it up and flush the whole mess down the toilet. Amazing. They don’t pay Bischoff enough for his talents.

The story of the show is basically bad for a good chunk of the show, then it gets good for two matches, then it goes down the crapper again. Easy thumbs down just for the poor match quality alone.

On with the rant…

Opening match: Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Flapjack Norton v. Harlem Heat. I think Harlem Heat has just about hit the wall of usefulness to the WCW regime at this point, and it’s showing here. The Heat promises a surprise, which everyone and their brother knows is Jackie, and who should come out to interfere for them but the ugly woman in the ugly flesh. Everyone just phones this one in, a trend picked up by the rest of the card. Harlem Heat wins, of course. **1/2

K-Dog v. Rey Mysterio Jr. Oh, yay, my day just wouldn’t be complete without having to endure a Konnan match. This is a “Mexican grudge death match” whatever that means. What is this “Arriba La Raza” shit, anyway? Shut the hell up, Chuck. Just about the most boring “death match” I’ve ever seen, as Chucky works over the leg again and again and again and again. This is not Rey’s type of match. He valiently tries to inject two or three highspots into it, but Chuck’s having none of that. “No workrate in *my* matches!” I can hear him saying now. I’M SICK OF EVERY GUY IN WCW PUTTING THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT OVER! Most pointless bit in a pointless match: K-Dog tries to unmask Rey. Borrrrrrrrinnnnnnng. Charles “I’m a Piece of Shit but I have all the Mexican guys by the cajones” Ashinoff wins via tap-out (f*ck! I hate the tap-out) to the Tequila Sunrise. * for the few moves pulled out by Rey.

Steve MacMichael/Chris Benoit v. Jeff Jarrett/Dean Malenko. I’m busy chatting with CanSen and Brother Zen during this one, so I’m not really paying attention to the lack of action leading up to the first elimination. I sort of tune in when Jarrett purposely eliminates himself, thus furthering this excrutiating angle, but that interest is killed as Dean gets squashed by the Horsemen 2-on-1. What-f*cking-ever. Just turn Malenko already and have Jarrett dragged by his balls through the parking lot and GET IT OVER WITH. I’m sick of seeing this idiot get pushed week after week in this stupid angle THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT while he’s wearing the US title that he doesn’t deserve. He’s not over, he’s not talented, and NO ONE CARES. They’re not going to care. Just give it up already, WCW, and fire the stiff. AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH, I’m going insane here. **

Alright, next match.

Alex Wright v. Chris Jericho. I DON’T CARE!!!! I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!! I feel like screaming that every time I see the cruiserweight title defended these days. This is an okay match, I guess, but so what? Who cares? Who cares if Alex wins? Who cares if Jericho wins? What difference does it make if either guy walks out with the title? None. That’s why this particular title is now meaningless. It’s a time-filling jobber title. Syxx has now succeeded in ruining an entire division of wrestlers. Congratulations. Wright wins, but it doesn’t matter because all the talented guys are jobbing to K-dog. **1/2

Suxx v. Ric Flair. And speaking of the evil one…remind again why this idiot is getting pushed into matches with Flair? Kevin who? Scott who? Ugh, f*ck I hate politics. Continuing the ongoing trend, both guys dial this one in 1-800-Collect. This is a pretty bad match even by Flair’s recently lowered standards. Suxx gets his idiotic rider move in at one point. Restholds galore. BOOOOOORRRRRRINNNNNNG. The one good spot of the match comes at the end: Suxx tries his gay move, but Flair gives him the ol’ “knacker-whacker” to block it and pins him with feet on the ropes. I’m happier about the match ending than anything… **

The show so far: 5 matches, nothing over **1/2 and I’m going insane watching the least talented guys get the biggest push.

But it does get brighter for two matches…

Curt Hennig v. DDP. Hennig has the lamest music in wrestling now. Get thee an orchestra, Curt. There was a time in the AWA when I thought these two guys were the same person, seriously. Kim’s lookin’ good. Curt’s lookin’ fat. Best match of the night, easily. Hennig controls the match most of the way through with the usual moves. You know the routine. Those motorcycles are really f*cking annoying. Ref bump gives Hennig the opportunity to expose a turnbuckle, knocking out DDP. He hits the Move-Formerly-Known-As-The-Perfectplex but DDP kicks out. Ref bump again, and Flair runs in, KO’s DDP, Hennig gets the win. Booking makes no sense, but the match was very watchable so I’ll forgive DDP jobbing yet again and the non-sensical Horsemen angle. ***1/2

The Giant v. Randy Savage. Not really much to say here. Paul Wight remains one of the most watchable guys in wrestling. Giant controls the beginning, Savage turns the tide, but gets caught in the chokeslam. SEE YA! Fun match, but nothing overly notable, which is not always a bad thing. ***

Rant: Up until this point, there was a good lack of screwjob endings and outside interference, Flair be damned. Then came the tag title match…

The Outsiders v. Rick & Scott Steiner. Speaking of teams outliving their usefulness, it’s time to job the Outsiders out and let Kevin spread his singles wings. Scott plays Ricky Morton here and takes MASSIVE abuse for like 15 minutes without a tag. Kick, punch, clothesline, nothing notable here. Nash looks way old with blond hair. Now the Outsiders are doing the “suck my dick!” routine patented by Suxx.

Okay, so Scott has wrestled the entire match, give or take, and gotten the beating of his life by the Outsiders. FINALLY, he makes the hot tag. Rick comes in, does one or two quick moves, then the Steiners hit the bulldog off the top on Hall. 1, 2, Nash pulls out Nick Patrick for the DQ. This is, by far, perhaps the biggest bullshit screwjob ending I’ve seen in months. This not only defies the storyline for the past 6 months, but it defies the storyline of the match itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is now officially a WCW Dead End Angle ™. Everything has built to the Steiners winning the tag belts, and they’ve been screwed out of them in the blowoff match that they needed 6 months to earn. This is just complete and utter bullshit and just the kind of crap I’d expect from the nWo masturbatory booking brigade. Fuck you, WCW. Next match.

And finally…

Lex Luger v. Hulk Hogan for the WCW World title. Luger finally gets to wear the 10 pounds of gold he should have been wearing 9 years ago, and it looks a little out of place on him. Not a good omen. Lex the Bouncing Babyface irks me for some reason. Although back in 1988, I was Luger Mark #1. Hogan is in full cowardly heel mode here. Crappy match. Hogan dishes out 99% of the offense, which consists of about 4 moves. Kick, punch, choke, whatever. Hogan yaks more than the announcers. Luger takes nonstop punishment for 20 minutes, then Hogan misses the legrop and Luger revives. The entire nWo comes out, including Sting (the real one? who knows.) and 5 of them storm the ring. Luger takes care of all of them, but gets whacked in the back by Sting’s bat coming off the ropes, legdrop, new champion, f*ck you WCW. 1/2*

After the end, the nWo re-annoints the belt with their buddy Rodman.

I hope Hogan dies. Seriously. I’m just beyond being sick of this nWo crap. I’m tired of these cheap cop-out endings and 5-on-1 attacks with no DQ. Why does Nick Patrick DQ the Outsiders for pulling him out of the ring but Randy Anderson doesn’t DQ Hogan for having the entire Roman Legion storm the ring when he’s in trouble?

Fuck it, I don’t care. I’m sure Nitro will win with a 10.0 over RAW tomorrow, it doesn’t matter. I’ll keep watching the WWF and hoping Hogan’s plane blows up tomorrow so I never have to watch him book himself over everyone else who deserves the title more than him again.

What a shitty PPV.