The Saturday Matinee News Report 08.17.02

Archive

Hello everybody. I’m Flea and welcome back to the weekend. If there were a flag attached to this column it would be flying half-mast as this weekend marks the 25th Anniversary of dying as it relates to the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. If you are not aware, I am a huge Elvis mark (this is a wrestling column, so right back there is your jargon) for Elvis, to the point that instead of mirrors on the ceiling of our bedroom there is a picture of Elvis, clad in black leather, striking a pose. Oh, come ON! Do you think your pal Flea is that sick? Actually, there ARE mirrors and it ain’t none of your damn business no how. Rumor has it that there is a picture of a certain Glorydog on my kid’s wall but that remains unsubstantiated. And will remain that way. Cock, a doodle doo!

Where was I? Right. I am celebrating the 25th anniversary in style, i.e. writing a wrestling column that will be chocked full of King references, none of which relate to that pervert Lawler, but does include a special something on Page Six. So sit back, enjoy and let’s see what’s what. But I’ll be honest with you, this is not one of my better reports, things just didn’t seem to click this weekend. But it’s not as bad a majority of the items found recently on the net, no names mentioned of course.

Hey Grut! You are welcome for the Birthday greetings. OF COURSE I was the only around these parts to acknowledge your special day! Because I care! And as Elvis said ” I can’t help falling in love with Jews”.

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

Boy, Oh boy! How do we NOT start off with a story about Steve Austin and his run in with the law? Just like this

Two more solid weeks of programming from the Fed, all of which will lead up to the SummerSlam PPV, appearing LIVE next Sunday on a black box near you. In a trend I am starting to like, the show (and Raw and Smackdown as well) is being put together and promoted ahead of time, which makes perfect sense. However, the recent trend not more than a couple of months ago was ye ole “booking on the fly” routine, which is o.k if you are ECW (well maybe not see how THEY turned out?!?!) or WCW (HA! see how they turned out – I love proving a point!) but that style of promotion and booking leads to a so called dismal rating and everyone who is anyone yelling about how much the product sucks. The booking team (at least from what I can tell) has sat down and formulated where they are going with things for more than one week at a time and the results are starting to show – RAW garnered close to a 4.0 and Smackdown pulled a 3.5, showing that maybe, ah shit I don’t know what the f*ck I’m talking about. What makes people watch? Big stars? Coherent story lines? Because it’s something cool to do? Who cares. I just like that they handpicked Brock Lesnar as the “Next Big Thing” and are sticking to their guns getting him over. Hogan should get mad props for the REAL torch passing last week on Smackdown – his WM “symbolic” torch passing to Rock-E was all for show and blow; Rock-E doesn’t need that kinda help. Lesnar, who up until now was getting a lukewarm reaction at best, KILLS Hogan and then gloats about it. WHAMMO! Instant heat! Throw that in with the strong possibility of him doing the same thing to Rock-E at SS and there is your monster heel. By the way, the Fed is NUTS if they do not do a clean win combined with an injury angle at SS, if in fact Rock-E is gonna take some time off. Perfect opportunity to cement Lesnar as a dick and get the crowd really against him. Add all that together as well as the Fed’s planned intentions of Angle / Lesnar WM blow-off and we should be in for an entertaining fall season of rasslin.

While I’m thinking of it, why yes! Rock-E vs Brock DOES resemble Rocky IV! Nice of you to notice! But have YOU noticed that for the HHH / HBK feud they are blatantly ripping off the old Kenny Rogers tune “Coward of the County”? “Yes son, sometimes you have to fight to be a man”. Well, if you didn’t notice that, you should probably listen to more Country and Western music. Ain’t like the new Drowning Pool album is gonna be out anytime soon.

And the other feud that I think is captivating is Angle / Rey. THERE is your Match of the Year, if they lay the match out right. Angle has been solid in downplaying the threat of Mysterio, which goes to show the whole “burial” of someone is a very subjective term. Speaking of burials, Some Other Guy has match with Flair, where once again he has a golden opportunity to prove himself. The sound you hear ain’t me holding my breath. Also on the card is RVD vs. Benoit, which should be a barn burner, especially if Benoit does some kind of Raw run-in and beats the shit out of RVD just for some extra heat (or vice versa – RVD / Smackdown). And speaking of Benoit, did you notice the underlying sexual tension betwixt him and Stephanie during their little segment? Wouldn’t it be something if Benoit continues his modus operandi and steals her from HHH, same way he did with Nancy from Sullivan? Oh man, I would pay good money to see that happen, just so when Benoit takes control of the political game backstage and books himself champion, the IWC will have their collective brains explode due to the whole hypocrisy of the thing. Oh Lord! Just think if he SMACKS her around. Would he still be your GOD? Just saying that I noticed some chemistry there, that’s all.

So buckle up and prepare for the final prepping and pimping as we gallop our way to what, on paper, has the potential to be the best PPV of the Year. Hell, to celebrate, next week I might even do a PREVIEW followed up by a RECAP in The Monday Edition! Oh, I forgot, you are only here for the Honky Tonk Man contest.

See how easy that was not to talk about Austin? Ever stop to think that your judgement of the man doesn’t mean a f*cking thing? Domestic disputes, as tragic as they may be, happen everyday in this country. What allegedly happened between he and Debra is their business and their business alone. It is not something for a bunch of holier than thou web junkies, much less an overzealous district attorney, to pass judgment upon. The incident happened months ago and according to all reports has not happened again, as Debra and Steve attempt to get on with their lives. Would it make you feel better if big bad Austin gets locked away? If Debra gets carted off to a home for battered women? If the District Attorney gets his name nationally known for being the one to bring this horrible criminal to justice? BINGO! If you ever want to get to the bottom of something, simply look for a lawyer. They are normally leading the charge to the land of righteousness, only stopping along the way to ruin lives and pilfer the pockets of whoever stands in their way. If you are looking for a sickness in this country, it ain’t the threat of terrorism nor spousal abuse, it’s the legal profession. Wake up, smell the coffee and leave Austin and Debra alone.

Caught in a trap I can’t walk out because I love you too much, baby

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report, JR says nothing. You know, I have been without Internet access at home since Thursday night and just had the tech folks here around 11am Saturday morning. The rest of this report was written between 2am and 3am Saturday morning. Why am I telling you this? Because the only thing I needed to do when I got online access back was throw some Good Ol JR Ross Report notes and it was done. So what do I get? JR, in Ft. Lauderdale, crowing about his BBQ book and half-assing his news report. “So and so has great upside potential, while we continue to work hard in the areas of product improvement ” I say start with the f*cking Ross Report so my time isn’t wasted. Be on the lookout next week for Joey Styles or someone. Bullshit.

IN OTHER WORDS

BOSS, as mentioned above, goes above and beyond with his coverage of NWA-TNA. Check him out.

My hero E.C. continues his web dominance with not only a Byte This Report but with a new (and excellent ) edition of Mind Squeezins. Damn. I thought the word “dander” went out of pop culture lingo around the same time as the hula hoop and the pet rock. Ha ha. “E. ven though I’ve been around since C. hrist walked the earth, I’ll still run circles around YOU, Fleabag!” ha ha ha ha ha.

Not sure if he has a new column up but here is a shout out to Jimmy V, author of Testosterone Soap Opera. He’s a nice kid and writes some good stuff. Go see him.

And I hate to break it to you (and even hated hearing myself it even more) but the other night I was CROWING about top of the page billing and the fact MY news report is up for THREE SOLID DAYS! I was quickly brought back to reality by being reminded that there ain’t all that much traffic around here over the weekend. So if you are reading this, thanks for stopping by. That’s why the Honky contest is my present to YOU! Speaking of which

1st ANNUAL FLEA GIVEAWAY CONTEST

Okay. I have a TON of entries (which in IWC measuring terms, weighs out to about an ounce) for the Honky Tonk Man’s website giveaway thing. Hold on

One Night with you

Is what I’m praying for

The things that we two have planned, would make my dreams come true

As I was saying (!) wait it’s LIKE I SAID ( I hate inside jokes you c*c*s*c*k*r) the HTM contest is going great, but in true Honky fashion, we have some old school DQ’s!

Anyone who said I sucked, whether they answered right or not, I disqualified (DQ’ed). Now then , I don’t give a flying f*ck about email that is derogatory but damn .the below is paraphrased (and spell checked), just because I’m too stoned to cut and paste emails .

“Hey Flea! Why did you make the f*cking contest so f*cking easy? You f*cking suck f*cking f*ck and not to mention you f*ck f*cking f*ck as you are sucking f*cking f*ck and f*cking f*cking suck f*ck you and you f*cking suck f*cking suck f*ck ”

If anyone is keeping track of this profanity stuff, I think I just set a new record. If you ain’t keeping a record then that shit above ain’t really a piece of mail, it’s just what it looks like to me when people mail me that the contest was / is too easy.

Look it’s a contest where you can win something free. Not to mention, 411is free. Do you think I’m going to make the f*cking contest HARD?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I know what the answer is and I know where it’s located please tell me again how easy it was to find the answer! I’m begging you! For all of youse that did that, consider yourself lucky that I didn’t turn you names over to Eric S. He ain’t as nice as I am. Did you see what he said the other day? He now, due to the miracle of surgery ( Eric if you would have told me your problem, we could have had it corrected ages ago my Eye Doctor was one of the pioneers in the Lasik surgery field. No kayfabe(!); he was turning me on to that shit the early 90’s when a bunch of dumb asses thought disposable contacts were the wave of the future) ooops tangent okay Eric S., despite the recent corrective vision, still hates your f*cking guts. He can just SEE what an asshole you are now.

So here’s the dilly, yo. You f*cks are DQ’ed but lucky. For the rest of you, the contest has another week to go and if you don’t know what the f*ck this contest is maybe BOSS or Hashish will put a link RIGHT HERE to last week’s column.

Thanks to everyone that’s playing. I will send the winner an email sometime Friday to let them know they have free access to the hottest website around.

And please note that I said the above statements wit out (1) a gun to my head or (2) the fact that the HTM Webmaster ain’t springing for this contest. I guess Hyatte sends more traffic their way, so it’s free to old GloryDog.

Oh Hyatte! After you get done with the free website can you please tell us another Villano joke? Oh man that ain’t getting old anytime soon .

So go read last week’s column if you ain’t up to speed. I need entries by oh let’s pick a day THURSDAY because all of you have to be assigned a number and balh blah blah contest rules were published last week so play at your own risk. Just please don’t tell me I’m a dumbf*ck for making it easy this is for your benefit, not mine.

PAGE SIX

Hey! Thanks for hanging in there! Now then, to close this column out, I am gonna try something new. Just to let you know, I SUCK at recapping (with the exception of EXCESS) come to think of it I recap very well. But, anyway, here is something that is special to me and is one of the few things that I still mark out for

The scene is 1970 and the place is Las Vegas .

Elvis Presley has just shown up on the scene, a “scene” that had been previously ruled by Frank, Dean, Sammy and whoever the f*ck else hung around with the Rat Pack. Point is, the joint was dying and they needed someone to come in and give it life. Say hello to my little friend Colonel Parker. WHO? Yes. The puppet master behind the ultimate puppet, ELVIS. Keep in mind, this is before Elvis got fat and drugged out – back then was one bad motherf*cker, clad in leather and ready to sing his heart out, just because he could. So the Colonel booked him in Vegas, ultimately killing the King of Rock and Roll in the long term, but short term? f*cking Elvis drew like Flair in Charlotte, or Dusty in Tampa, if you will

So that is the SHORT FORM ( see I can steal shit too! ) point of this whole thing is that Vegas Elvis is my favorite time period of any performer, ever. NO ONE put on a better show and NO ONE had a better voice than Elvis. Period. Yeah. Argue with that and then go listen to his version of Unchained Melody and then PLEASE tell me ..ah f*ck say what you want, I guess. Music is very subjective, but if you listen to that song and don’t feel emotion, you should probably give up the Prozac

So what I would like to do this morning (keep in mind I’m writing this at around 3am if it ain’t morning for you then PLEASE feel free to get me a beer I’m poolside) is attempt to translate my favorite mark out moment

Elvis – Vegas 1970 – Suspicious Minds

This is the one of last the two songs he performed that evening and it goes as follows

First off, Elvis is attired in a now classic white jumpsuit, no buttons and no beer belly to speak of he simply takes a drink of water and calls out “Suspicious Minds”

Quick note the song is played a half octave up and about time and a half from the normal version just so you know

We’re caught in a trap

I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much baby

Right away the bass and drums pick up on what kind of mood Elvis is in and act accordingly

Why can’t you see

Elvis follows the chord structure downwards whoa oh OH OH oh

What you’re doing to me

And back up the chord structure Whoa oh OH OH oh

When you don’t believe a word I’m saying .

We can’t go on together, with suspicious minds and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds

So if an old friend I know (shove it up your nose)

Now insiders say f*ck them Elvis is goofing around and that is that

Stops by and says hello

Would I still see suspicion in your eyes

Here we go again

Asking where I’ve been

Can’t you see these tears are real I’m crying

We can’t go on together, with suspicious mind and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds

And, as JR would say “business is about to pick up!!!!”

All the lights go out and a spotlight shines on Elvis. He gets down on his knees, trying to imitate the most pitiful person on earth. It works because Elvis f*cking sings his heart out here

Oh let our love survive (oh nooooo)

And I’ll dry the tears from your eyes

Let’s don’t let a good thing die (oh noooooo)

Because, Honey, you know I’ve never lied to you

No, not much

Yeah, yeah

Alright we are about to go into Flea markout mode. Lights turn back on and the full band gets primed. As far as Elvis goes, he serpentines back up from his knees a good 17 years before Axl made it popular. And he does it with the following lyrics

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out

I would be remiss not to point out that his phrasing of said lyrics above is unbelievable. He turns to his background singers for the “can’t walk out” part, and sings it like he has no tomorrow, but still smiling and getting ready for an apocalypse

Because I love you too much baby

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me if you don’t believe a word I’m saying

Now this is where Elvis gets busy. I’m sure you have seen “dancing Elvis” where he is getting his groove thing going, well this is the song that makes him move. None one that choreographed bullshit, just a guy out there having the time of his life and a band that’s rocking out like a motherf*cker.

Don’t you know that

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much baby

Horns are blaring, background singers are wailing and The King is just all over the place .wait wait wait the band gets quite, to the point that all that’s left are the drums and the bass riff.

Don’t you know that

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much baby

Now’s the time for Elvis to go and f*ck around with the blacks chicks that sing background vocals. They are still singing but have a look on their face like “what’s this crazy white fool bout to do?” ha ha ha so Elvis slides over, music is real low, almost to a hush

Don’t you know that

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out ..HEY HEY HEY HEY where you going baby? I ain’t gonna hurt you?

Elvis cons the chicks into thinking he’s all nice and then WHAMMMMO he yells “AHHHHHHHH!!!!!” and scares them poor girls white. Proving that he is still in charge, he turns and gets ready to get back to business

Band picks the riff back up and here we go

Don’t you know that

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much baby

The groove at this point is just right on the money. They continue for a few more verses and then slow it back down, as Elvis does a few of his little karate stances and the beat gets mellow

POW! Back to full force for one more run through of

We’re caught in a trap and I can’t walk out

Because I love you too much baby

Alright that looks to be enough as Elvis allows the band to go quite, the piano player to finish the last few chords of the songs and the lights to go dark

LIGHTS BACK UP AND STRIKE A POSE KING!

There you have it. My words cannot do justice, I would suggest you track down this performance and all other Vegas era Elvis, as at that point, he ruled the earth. And as far as live performances go, f*ck Bruce, f*ck the Stones, f*ck the Allman Brothers and f*ck whoever else YOU think is the best, no one could out sing or out perform Elvis Presley. And that’s why, 25 years after his death, he is still the King.

Thankya Verymuch

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.

FLEA is an Inside Pulse Original in every sense of the word, from his unique style and viewpoint. You can send any feedback to ryderfakin@yahoo.com, or just type it the comment box below. also but follow FLEA on Twitter @ryderfakin.