A Wrestling News Report 8.22.02

Archive

Hello. I’m Joshua Grutman, better known in the skating community as Sarah Hughes’ stalker. I’m just kidding, and as a fellow Great Necker I salute her big win at where ever it was that she won her Gold Medal. Salt Lake City, right? Right.

So, what does that have to do with wrestling? As you’ll see in a bit, it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH EVERYTHING!

Oh, and congrats to Kenneth H. Childs, new co-leader of the Austin mob. He coaches his local rugby and lacrosse teams, was senior class president in college, and can squat 550 lbs. While his athletic skills are hardly comparable to mine, as I can bench press a million THOUGHTS and move imaginary mountains in my MIND, he will make a fine partner should Stone Cold beat his wife again. As for those of you who oppose the Austin mob, take it up with my huge friend Kenneth. You can reach him at kchilds@nc.rr.com. Tell him where you live.

News?

News!!!

LET’S DO SOME SMACKDOWN CAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH OUR LIVES? SERIOUSLY, WHAT? I NEED SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO, SOMETHING THAT IS REAL. UNTIL THE VOID IS FILLED, SMACKDOWN SPOILERS WILL HAVE TO DO.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman give an interview, but it is interrupted by the Rock. Brock says stuff he doesn’t mean, and the Rock replies with words that he knows aren’t right to say, and the whole thing just gets out of control. There are tears and apologies, but I don’t think their relationship will ever be the same.

Hey! You realize the main event for the second biggest Pay Per View of the year (in my opinion) has rhyming competitors? Here’s a tagline for ya: Brock and Rock will Rock the Dock. Yes, it’s a dock match. They’re setting out to sea. SHUT UP!

Eddie and Chris greet Edge at the door with a program, and then Crash Holly shows Edge to his seat. Chris would be the usher, but HHH is holding him down.

The cruiserweights have a match, with Hurricane and Moore vs. Tajiri and Noble. Sounds like a brand new HANGING GARDENS! 5 people will get this, but it’ll be worth it.

Hurricene and Shannnon more are playinm poker. Tijiri and jaime NOBle walk up to him.

Hurecene(looks sad you guys want to playt poke with us?

Shnannon more(smiling youi guys are lookier funny at you?

Noble (blank exception I’m tailor trash.

Trajiri YOKO TAHMI YOMO YOMO!

Oh man. That felt so goddamned good.

Stephanie McMahon decides to appear on television, God Bless her big breasts. Really, if she went all lesbian with Dawn Marie, I’d pay to see her on Pay Per View. Do it for the kids, Stephanie! Go dyke for the children!

Matt Hardy fights Chavo as the WWE sucks the last remaining drops of money that it can from the Montreal incident. Good for them!

Funaki enters the woman’s locker room, proving once and for all that the Japanese are all perverts.

Let’s try that one more time.

Funaki enters the woman’s locker room, proving once and for all that no one supplies the FUN like FUNaki!

Angle fights Kidman. Who wins? Kidman. Whoops! I mean, um, SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

Rikishi and Cena fight Batista and D-Von. Didn’t Batista throw D-Von through a door last week? I mean, isn’t that kind of a break up? That’s how my girlfriend broke up with me. I admit, we did get back together the next week, but then she gave me a spine buster when we got into an argument! I swear to God, I never went out with her again except for those 3 times when she Rock Bottomed me for no good reason, and that one time she blew a fireball in my face.

Nidia fights Molly Holly for the woman’s championship. It’s being called “OW! MY PENIS! GET MY PENIS OFF THAT STOVE! I’VE HAD SOME BAD IDEAS IN MY TIME, BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE!” by Flea. Lay off the drugs, Flea.

Eddie and Chris fight Edge and the Rock in the main event. Suddenly, Rock grabs a microphone and asks why they are fighting. Chris and Eddie don’t have a response. Edge reasons that they fight so they can make money, and the more they fight the more money they make. Rock agrees, as does Eddie, but not Chris. Chris questions if maybe they enjoy hurting each other because they were all hurt as children. Eddie breaks down in to tears, admitting that he has a violent streak as well as a problem with alcohol because of his up bringing. He was beaten daily. Edge apologizes to Eddie and swears the two will get out of the vicious circle their families have thrust them into. Then, when Eddie goes to hug Edge, Edge SPEARS HIM! The Rock then attacks Chris with a chair! Then the faces laugh, and I have a question for you: Are the good guys good people for doing this? Yes. Yes they are.

SMACKDOWN! ARGH!

Junk News. Huzzoi!

Val Venis will not need surgery and will return to the ring in a few weeks! Good news, Val Venis fans, both of you!

WWE has reported a 2.8 MILLION DOLLAR drop in revenue in their first financial quarter. I want you to all take a guess who was blamed, and who was fired because of this. Go on, guess. No, not the Rock. Not Steve Austin, no. I’ll tell you later.

WWE Smackdown is the #1 show among Hispanics. I guess that makes Eddie Guerroro the most seen Hispanic Personality on television. Wow. How insulting.

Much to my chagrin, the NWA still exists. I know, the X Division rules or whatever. Look, I’m not trying to diss on the promotion, but sometimes I have to. You see, I’m JEALOUS of professional wrestlers and therefore I hope that all of professional wrestling sucks so I have something to complain about. I think I did this joke before. Yeah, I did. Let’s move on.

TNA has signed MATTHEW ODY! MATTHEW F’N ODY! OH YEAH! OH YEAH, MOMMA FUNKERS! IT’S ODY TIME! TIME TO DO THE ODY DANCE! ODY-MANIA IS GOING TO SWEEP OVER NWA:TNA LIKE IT WAS SOME KIND OF GIANT, FUNKY BROOM! ODY ISBORN ON NWA:TNA! PREPARE FOR THE RISING, BITCHES! PREPARE!

Here’s something. NWA:TNA has started a fan of the week contest, where the most enthusiastic fan will go backstage and meet all of the superstars, like has been and never was. So for all of you NWA:TNA fans, remember to jump that railing to help your favorite superstar during a match! You might be the NWA:TNA fan of the week! God speed, red necks.

Goldberg talked about Japanese wrestling with Ross Foreman. Goldberg is a huge fan of Kuritmazoti Anumregredi, but doesn’t care for the style of Muritzo Hijolo. Fajo Monlogitus has challenged Goldberg to a match when he comes to Japan, but Goldberg is only interested in the big names. Big names, like Kenzuwa Zaki, Nomolono Giambi, Francizulu McDonalizeurma, Karate Chop, Al Pacinozuno, Kensawa Ambiguity, and Pikachu. Goldberg has sworn he will, “Catch them all and JACKHAMMER THEM!”

WWE used to be in the top 15 of searches on the web, but now it is 30th. Vince McMahon doesn’t know who to blame, so he fired Lance Donaldson, head of the website. What?

Oh, and Vince fired Lance Storm for costing the WWE 2.8 million dollars in profits. Damn you and your need for antique horse saddles, Lance Storm! DAMN YOU!

Lance Storm did not respond to being fired well. Luckily, I have obtained an interview with Lance Storm. It took place last Sunday as I stalked him through the parking lot of a Food Emporium, where he had been shopping with his family.

Joshua Grutman: Mr. Storm, first of all allow me to say it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.

Lance Storm: What?

Joshua Grutman: Mr. Storm, how do you respond to being fired by the WWE for your obsession with Horse Saddles of the antique nature and how this has cost the company 2.8 million dollars.

Lance Storm: Jesus! I get you guys enough on my website! I’m with my family. Go away.

Joshua Grutman: Are you avoiding the question? Do you not want your children to know you have a problem? Kids, do you know that your father has been fired?

Lance Storm: SHUT UP! Kids, daddy hasn’t been fired.

Kid 1: Daddy, are we going to have any more money?

Lance Storm: Of course we are.

Joshua Grutman: No you’re not. According to my news report, you’ll be homeless by October, right when it really starts to get cold.

Kid 2: NO! DADDY, I DON’T WANT TO BE HOMELESS!

Lance Storm: Shhh. We won’t be homeless. I don’t know who you are, but you get the hell away from me and my family right now.

Wife: Honey, is this that Joshua Grutman fellow you told me about?

Joshua Grutman: So you do know who I am! That’s great. If you’re ever in NYC and homeless, you can spend a night on my porch.

Lance Storm: SHUT UP! STORM GETTING ANGRY! STORM POWERS ON!

At this point a huge gust of wind swept down from the sky and whisked me away. I complained about this to the WWE, and Lance Storm was fired.

Raw has increased to a 4.0! Let’s see with Fozzy, 4.0. Without Fozzy, 3.7. I guess we know who butters Vince’s ass, don’t we. Yes, people have their asses buttered. Shut up, Ross! Ross, I swear to God I’ll kick you out of my room if you don’t stop! I don’t care if it’s your room, shut up! Oh yeah? OW! OWWWW! OH GOD! NO! STOP IT!

Hello. I am Ross Grutman, and the news report is mine. No more Lance Storm jokes. NO MORE FUNNY! NO MORE FUNNY FOR ANY OF YOU! In fact, no more wrestling. We will now discuss news and rumors from the world of Cartoon Anime.

First off we will discuss the most popular cartoon in cartoon land, Pokemon! Now to all of you crazed poke-maniacs, I must admit that the Pikachu looks like he is getting back into the game and could evolve any day now. With the added power that Ash‘s chicorita can provide, he should be unstoppable in the upcoming Johto League Championship. So much from the world of Pokemon.

Now, on to the Yugioh! Yugi is well on his way to being the duel monsters grand champion and saving the souls of his friends and his grandfather. This would not be possible without the grand help of the spirit from his millennium puzzle. Shine on brave spirit! And let it be known that now I have finally collected the legendary Red Eyes Black Dragon from the card game! NOW WHO RULES THE INTERNET SCENE? ME!

I hope you’re all paying close attention, because since I own the Thursday slot now, I will bring non-stop anime action to you for ten dollars every week. I am employing the recently fired Gundums from the Cartoon Network and the washed up space pirates from the OUTLAW STAR! I am bringing in an all star team of toons, and eventually I will turn 411 wrestling into 411 TOONS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And every week fozzy will be guest starring.

On Saturday night at 11:30, adult swim is on and showing Cowboy Bebop. This humdinger of show features bounty hunters looking for work. Give me my report back! OW! As I was saying, ahem, this was one of the grandest shows EVER! Only two words can describe this show .1. BOO and 2. YA!

I have just paid my “$19.95” for my subscription to Shonen Jump. It is a comic book straight from Japan featuring some of the slamminist cartoon mangas ever. Some of the mangas included in this subscription are Dragonball Z, SandLand, and Yu Yu Hakusho. And now I am entered into a contest that can win me a trip for two to Japan to meet the geniuses who created this stuff. You know what? I’m gonna win. MY REPORT! GIVE IT BACK NOW! OW! OWWWW! *thud*

Hey! I’m back! Did you guys see Signs? Well, it gave me an idea, so I hit Ross in the head with a bat a couple of times. Now where was I? Ah yes.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

READ THESE COLUMNS, YOU SHEEP!

David Murphy loves Lex Luger. Loves to have sex with him! HAHAHAHAHA!

PK dragged his ass away from his Gamecube to do a 411 and Goldenboy tape review of Japanese stuff.

I usually hate plugging other people’s websites, but I’m happy to do it this time. One of the funniest people on the Internet, BFP, is now writing for www.wrestlingopinions.com. Widro passed up on him when I published some of his stuff in my column, and now some other site has got him. Way to go, Widro! Really, he’s a great talent and his work deserves to be checked out.

Scott Keith gives us another rant about Coliseum home videos because we need to know what to think about wrestling matches from 10 years ago.

Let’s do some PPV picks, shall we?

SUMMERSLAM PICKS AND CRAP LIKE THAT AND STUFF.

All picks are property of Grutman INC. Anyone with similar picks will be sued.

UNDERTAKER VS. TEST (AMERICA VS. CANADA GRUDGE MATCH. WINNER GETS FULL OWNERSHIP OF BOTH COUNTRIES.)

Tough one to start out with. Undertaker has been on a losing streak recently, and Test almost ruined me by not winning the King of the Ring. I’m going to go with Ross on this one and pick the Undertaker. He doesn’t see Test winning this, and he usually sees into the future surprisingly well.

RIC FLAIR VS. CHRIS JERICHO (THE MAN VS. SOME OTHER GUY MATCH. WINNER GETS NOTHING.)

This is another tough call. I gotta go with Flair on this one, because Jericho sucks. One thing that is for sure is that this match will be awful, as every match that Jericho has is the worst match I’ve ever seen. He continues to give disturbing performance after disturbing performance. It’s sad.

KURT ANGLE VS. REY MYSTERIO (FORMER OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST AND POSSIBLY THE BEST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME VS. JUMPY MEXICAN MATCH. WINNER GETS HEAD FROM LOSER’S WIFE.)

No diggity, no doubt. Kurt Angle wins this one in what should be a match of the year. If it isn’t the match of the year, then I’m wrong and will have to accept that. This can not happen. This must be the match of the year. I am infallible, and to prove other wise would be to disprove the entire bible, which would destroy all of creation. My children must be protected. This must be the match of the year. (Safe bet says it goes ten minutes and Angle cheats to win in a better then average mid-card match.)

BOOKER T & GOLDUST VS. CHRISTIAN &LANCE STORM (TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH. WINNER GETS, UM, THE TAG TEAM TITLES.)

Let’s see. Lance Storm is a great wrestler, as is Christian, as is Booker T. Goldust is incredibly entertaining, and he doesn’t exactly suck in the ring. My guess is that the match will end horribly when the roof tragically caves in on all four competitors. The Nassau Coliseum is not known for it’s renovations, and thus will destroy all 4 promising careers. If that doesn’t happen, I pick Booker T. and Goldust.

ROB VAN DAM VS. CHRIS BENOIT (INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH/I LOVE PORN. WINNER LOVES PORN.)

Chris Benoit should win this one with a little assistance from his good friend, Mr. Glass Bowl.

SHAWN MICHAELS VS. TRIPLE H (BEST FRIENDS FOREVER? MATCH. WINNER GETS TO SLEEP WITH CHYNA FOR NO GOOD REASON.)

Triple H lies down for friends. So does Shawn. I predict that this match will end with both of them lying down in the ring, waiting for the other to pin him. Bret Hart will then gimp in and pin Shawn Michaels. Way to gimp, Bret! Oh yeah, um, HHH.

BROCK VS. ROCK

This is the one we’ve all been waiting for. The main event. The arrival of the next big thing. The time to recognize that no matter how apathetic we might be, Brock Lesnar will be shoved down out throats. And why not? I pick Brock. But not happily.