– Live from Worcester, Massachussetts.
– Your hosts are Veni, Viti and Vici.
– Recap of Bischoff’s grandstand challenge from Thunder. This becomes a recurring theme all night.
– Opening match, TV title: Fit Finlay v. Chris Benoit. Cool wrestling sequence to start, but it slows down a lot. Many chinlocks from Finlay bring it down. A beautiful spot near the end, as Benoit tries a tope suicida, but Finlay simply holds up a chair, which Benoit slams into in mid-air. Cool. Back in the ring, Finlay goes shoulder-first into the turnbuckle and Benoit does the triple suplex, but Fit blocks. Then a Crippler Crossface, but Fit’s in the ropes. Oh, dear lord, I don’t like the looks of this. Cue Booker, in a suit and tie. Benoit stands and yells at him, and Finlay baseball slides into him, knocking him out. Tombstone, and Finlay retains. **1/2, and may I be the first to say GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT DO I HATE THE FUCKING WCW BOOKING COMMITTEE AND I HOPE KEVIN FUCKING SULLIVAN FALLS INTO THE TOILET AND DROWNS THE NEXT TIME HE’S FIGHTING SOMEONE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!
– Okay, I’m better now.
– Bryan Adams v. Lex Luger. Wow, demoted to second from the bottom. That’s gotta be a slap in the face. A gigantic, heaping plate of suck steak with fried suck potatoes on the side and suck pudding for dessert. Adams swings at Lex and he ducks and catches him in the Rack out of nowhere for the submission. Whoa, that last one was almost a wrestling move! DUD
– Cruiserweight battle royale: Chris Jericho comes out to introduce all the participants, in a bit so funny at times (“Rock rock til he drops, rock rock never stop!”) that I nearly spit out my Coke. I can’t even do it justice. No Malenko, though, oddly enough. A nothing battle royale which comes down to Juvy and Ciclope (!). They have a staredown, and suddenly Juvy jumps over the top and eliminates himself. Que? Ah, Ciclope is unmasking to be…drum roll…DEAN MALENKO!
– Cruiserweight title match: Chris Jericho v. Dean Malenko. Dean looks like a tool in the Ciclope suit. He absolutely goes medieval on Jericho’s ass, and the fans pop like nuts. You hear that sound, WCW, it’s HEAT for this feud. Juvy cheers Dean on at ringside for the added touch. Good but not great match with terrific crowd heat, including several “Jericho sucks!” chants. Jericho tries the Liontamer a couple of times but Malenko keeps reversing it. Jericho tries the SuperFrankensteiner, but Malenko turns it into a gut-buster from the top rope, seemingly buggering up his knee in the process. Texas Cloverleaf, and Jericho has nowhere to go but Tap-Out City. The arena just explodes! **** for the whole thing, including the battle royale. Juvy taunts Jericho a bit more as Malenko celebrates the title victory.
– Unfortunately, the show pretty much descends into silliness from there.
– We cut to a “Vinnie Mac Cam” outside the arena as a white limo pulls up. Nothing comes of it.
– Bowery Death Match: Raven v. DDP. It’s an enclosed cage with two garbage cans full of weapons on either turnbuckle. 80 million sharp objects and DDP goes for the bullrope. He tries to hang Raven a couple of times. Absolutely zero wrestling here, just senseless foreign object shots out of the Gangsta playbook. Okay, pay attention because now the Hyper-Fighting Booking Style of WCW kicks in: Ref gets bumped and is out for like six minutes. The Flocks runs in past the riot squad and cuts open the cage to interfere. Van Hammer is under the ring, and he comes out and holds off Riggs and Sickboy and Reese. Then two of the riot squad come in themselves and reveal themselves to be Kidman and Boulder. DDP is up and takes *them* out with a pair of Diamond Cutters, but Raven DDT’s DDP and then after another sequence gives DDP a Diamond Cutter of his own. But Page is up at 8 or so, delivers his own Cutter to Raven, and beats the 10 count up for the win. Yay, this feud should be over now. -**
Then *another* riot squad member comes in and handcuffs the remaining Flockers, then Raven, then unmasks to be Mortis, who then unmasks again to reveal what Mortis looks like without the mask. I hope this kills those dumb “Mortis is Chris Champion” rumors. Mortis smokes Raven with a chair. This is what Steve Austin was referring to when he noted that ECW is a “bunch of violent crap.” They didn’t even bleed here, despite a VCR shot to Raven at one point. There was no flow or storyline to this mess, just a bunch of weapons and Diamond Cutters. And ECW logic kicks in again: Raven isn’t put out by a friggin’ VCR to the head, but a Diamond Cutter knocks him out cold? Puh-lease, I have to endure enough of this garbage when I watch ECW, I don’t need Scott Levy importing it to WCW in a watered down form. I hated almost everything about this and I hope I never, EVER, have to see Raven v. DDP again. And furthermore, what about all the Jake Roberts and “childhood friends” hints and shit they dropped? Were they just making it up as they went along? Next match, please.
– Ultimo Dragon v. EDDY~! Guerrero. Crowd just dies like THAT. Whoa, that’s not a good sign. The match is very lacklustre, mainly Sabu stuff (spot-rest-spot). Fast forward to the end: Eddy hits a tornado DDT (with the announcers correctly noting that Chavo uses it) but misses the Froggy Splash. Ultimo with the Dragon Sleeper, but Eddy flips out and puts Ultimo in his own. Nice. He puts both feet on the ropes, and Chavo jumps up and tries to break it up. While they argue, Dragon tries to kick Eddy but misses and nails Chavo. Eddy with the brainbuster and Froggy Splash #2 for the pin. A disappointing, Worldwide-worthy match. **1/2
– Chavo snaps and wipes the mat with Dragon for not freeing him from Uncle Eddy. Eddy looks very proud, but Chavo is about to hit him, too. Eddy begs him on, but Chavo can’t do it and gives him a kiss on the cheek instead. Is this feud EVER going to blow off? Do we get another two months of teases again?
– US Title match: Goldberg v. Saturn. Apparently, the Gauntlet match that was announced on Thursday has already been scrapped and replaced with a Saturn-Goldberg match. That’s WCW for ya, here today, gone later today. I guess this is a face turn for Saturn, who told off the Flock in a previous interview, but putting him against Goldberg isn’t a great way to get him over a face, or a major factor in anything. Oh, well, there’s always Glacier. Lots of standing around with the occasional good move tossed in. Goldberg comes so close to imitating Warrior’s mannerisms at times in this that it’s almost eerie. Be afraid. Not as good as Spring Stampede, and it’s the usual Goldberg ending. *
– In what I guess is the payoff for this whole stupid Vince McMahon angle, Eric Bischoff actually has Michael Buffer introduce a “match” between them, complete with referee. Vince, of course, doesn’t show up so it’s a win by forfeit for Eric. Words don’t do justice to how incredibly pointless this was. Why not challenge Steve Austin and then declare yourself the WWF champion when *he* doesn’t show? Same thing.
– Bret Hart v. Randy Savage, Grudge Match From Hell. Hey, do you think I make up these match titles? Bret gets screwed out of the main event again. This is bad wrestling that segues into weak brawling outside the ring when they realize that the in-ring stuff isn’t working. So they go into the crowd, walk over to the hockey boards, do a shot there, and then walk back to the ring. Bret works on the knee. Move, taunt, move. In retrospect, I’m becoming more and more happy that Vince dumped Bret when he did. This is a 1995 Savage match, with Randy taking punishment then mounting a one-move comeback, that being the Big Elbow. Savage’s knee gives out, and he can’t make the pin. Sharpshooter, but Savage actually reverses it into his own. Elizabeth (what? She’s still here?) bounces out and gets into a shoving match with referee Roddy Piper, which allows Bret to deck him from behind with brass knucks. Ah, nice to know he’s become a total snivelling coward in the Hulk Hogan tradition. You know, this is exactly the sort of heel turn that Bret whined about Vince wanting him to do. And speaking of Hogan, he runs in and wraps Savage’s knee around the ringpost, which allows another Sharpshooter and a submission win for Bret. *1/2 Overbooked as usual and non-sensical to boot. Let me get this straight: Bret hates Hogan so he’s teaming with him, Savage hates Bret for teaming with Hogan and hates Hogan because he lost the World title to him because of Bret, and Hogan hates Savage so much he’s willing to help Bret. The question I have is why didn’t Bret help Savage to win on Nitro so that this match would be a title match? Oh, yeah, because he wants to win the title from Hogan, who he hates so much that he’s willing to help. You know, maybe it’s me, but this seems like a lot of trouble on Bret’s part, and furthermore who’s gonna want to see two mega-heels go at it? Why would Hogan even agree to give Bret a title match? Anyway, next match…
– Main event, WCW tag team titles: The Outsiders v. Sting & Giant. Just Giant, he had to drop the “The” when he joined the nWo I guess. And Hall actually shows. Seems a little wobbly coming in. I called the ending to this before the show even started, it should be noted. Hall brings back the survey, even though he’s endorsing nWo Hollywood while doing it. The usual crap once the match starts. Sting has deteriorated so much I’m surprised he doesn’t fall to pieces once he gets in the ring. He plays Ricky Morton, and makes the hot tag to Giant. Giant tries a top-rope splash, but falls flat on his face. Nash goes for the powerbomb, but Hall comes in and turns on Nash, decking him with the belt. Giant pins Nash and we have new tag champs. Rhodes and Hall celebrate with Giant as Sting looks stunned, probably because he’s trying to understand the booking just like me. DUD.
The Bottom Line: Why in the HELL would Scott Hall turn on Kevin Nash? I knew it was coming because that’s exactly the sort of thing that WCW has resorted to lately, but there’s only so many shock heel turns that can be done. Kevin Nash, Sting and Randy Savage are pretty much the only faces left on the upper card, and of those Sting is only one that even resembles a traditional babyface. There’s just no one for the fans to cheer for anymore. And none of it interests me as a wrestling fan. nWo v. nWo? Great, let them kill each other, it’s about time we got rid of them. I’m sure there’s others who agree with me on that one. There’s no “big money match” on the horizon — Nash v. Hogan won’t happen because of egos, and Hart v. Hogan won’t draw because the fans hate both of them now.
I don’t even know if I liked this show or hated it. Hall’s heel turn wasn’t really a heel turn because he was already a heel. I guess maybe it’s a Nash face turn, but he’s still nWo so he’s a heel, right?
There is such a thing as too much character development, never more evident than in this case. WCW seems so concerned with shock value that they probably don’t even realize what a great reaction the whole Jericho-Malenko bit got. You know why it got a great reaction: Because Jericho’s a great heel and the storyline is timeless. And the face went over. Where does the upper card go now? Hall v. Nash, I guess, but that’s a dead-end feud. Hart v. Piper? Who wants to watch that? Hogan v. Savage…again?
I dunno. Thumbs in the middle for Slamboree, leaning towards up, but I don’t know what they’re going to do when they run out of heel turns and they have to depend on, you know, wrestling to carry them.
