OH MOO HOO! It’s Flea and can you believe that the weekend is upon us once again? Well, believe it or else, cause it’s here. And what a weekend it is for us rasslin fans! PPV! PPV! PPV! Easy column! Easy Column! Easy Col- sorry got carried away there. But below is a look at SummerSlam along with a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo that makes my skin crawl just thinking about it again. So let’s not delay, time is money and money is the root of all that is right with the world.
Let’s get to it .
TOP STORY
Well Alright! (okay all you know it alls that said the Honky contest was too easy – tell me where I get the phrase Well Alright! and who said it. Over and Over and Over again. I’ll make you famous next week if you know!)
Well Alright! It’s time for Summerslam again and the Fed has the decked STACKED to deliver a blow away show. It seems that something cool is always going on at Summerslam while I have your undivided attention let’s take a flashback
2001 SummerSlam – Some Other Guy battled Rhyno and blew a TON of moves, which was conveniently blamed on a “concussionâ€Â. Right. Explain to me then nevermind. The real highlight last year was Austin / Angle and Rock E / Booker. Blow away show from top to bottom. (Cept for one match, of course)
2000 SummerSlam – TLC, Shane McMahon’s fall from about 50 feet / Steve Blackman’s follow-up elbow drop and Kurt Angle shows HOW NOT to blow moves with a concussion.
1999 SummerSlam – Shane O Mac had a hell of a match against Test and Jesse Ventura had the honor of holding Foley’s arm high in the air as he captured the WWF Title for the third and final time. Come to think of it, that must have been before HHH got all of his “power†because he couldn’t even get Austin to do the j.o.b. for him, thus necessitating Austin laying down clean for Cactus. Those were the days, huh? Of course I am probably looking too much into that but that makes just as much sense as a lot of other H bullshit I read.
Okay, that’s enough of a flashback. I think my point when I started that was to point out how the Fed usually delivers come SummerSlam time. There has been good buildup for the matches on the card and without further ado, let’s see what’s what.
WWE Undisputed Title Match – The Rock vs. Brock Lesnar
The outcome to this match seems to be more predetermined than usual. Rock-E is, according to anyone who knows anything, supposed to be taking the remainder of the summer off to go and be a movie star. Good for him. Is it just me or does the lately the Rock seem like a biker chick loaded up crystal meth – talking 100 miles per hour, not making any sense and not able to sit still for more than a second at a time? Jeez, I know the dude is a motor mouth but his promos have become parodies of the cool shit Rock-E used to say, as if he is a record player skipping after having the speed amped up from 33 1/3 to 45. You know, as far as analogies go, stick with the cranked up biker chick, cause I just realized many of you probably don’t know nothing from vinyl records. Brock, on the other hand, as been playing the role of the monster heel quite well, including blatant theft of everything Vader used to say. Which, really, ain’t a bad thing, as he has Paul E. to do his real talking. That is something which I think is awesome – no one in the business can get someone over as effectively as Heyman, when given time. Why ANYONE in their right minds would want to break up this tandem is beyond me, some people (like Brock) need all the promo help they can get. So all the set up and hype has been said and done and that leaves us with the match, which has all te making of a classic heel/face showdown. One question that the “armchair work rate know it alls†have is if Brock has enough gas in his tank to go a good 20-30 minutes, which is what this match will need to be effective, in my opinion. I say yes, the dude just happens to be one of the top “real†athletes in the world, as long as his nerves don’t make him a nervous as an alcoholic on his kid’s first day of school. Look for Rock-E to go above and beyond to carry the match (and he can) leading up to a Lesnar win and hopefully culminating in an injury angle. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it would be perfect if after the victory Lesnar SQUASHES Rock-E with his urban legendary SHOOTING STAR PRESS, which would be the nail in the coffin for Rock, internal bleeding , stretcher job and all. Just don’t make me feel like a f*ck by Rock-E coming out in a couple of weeks and cutting a no-selling bastard promo, like he did when the N.W.O f*cked him all up. But for shits and giggles, it would be fun to have Rock-E retain the title and lose it the next night for free on RAW. Ha ha ha ha ha oh would that just get everyone’s panties in a bind.
WWE Intercontinental Title Match – Chris Benoit vs. Rob Van Dam
Here’s a dream match for at least one or two of you out there. This can go one of two ways – 888 (hit the shift key, Flea) ***** match of the year classic, or yet another clash in styles, which is the politically correct term for saying “f*cking Van Dam is all over the place again!!†I’m leaning towards the former, although I think two matches on this card will be better. RVD can take about as stiff a shot as anyone, so can Benoit. RVD works stiff as hell, Benoit has been known to lay the chops in like no tomorrow. Throw in some RVD “innovative†offense and some Benoit “cool as shit†counters and give the whole thing half and hour and you got yourself some good rasslin for the buckage. As far as the outcome, leave the belt on Benoit and let RVD chase him all summer – it’s something for the both of them to do as the main event card is gonna be booked solid. And I hope Cole and Tazz are the ones to call this match – JR and Lawler would probably find something else to talk about as that seems to be their modus operandi lately.
WWE Tag Team Titles Match – Lance Storm & Christian vs. Booker T & Goldust
Ahhh some good old fashioned tag team action. The matches betwixt these two teams have been gold lately, building up to a big time babyface vindication against those evil UnAmericans. Not much more to say on this one – all guys are talented enough to put on a good time tag team match and that’s what I expect to happen.
Unsanctioned Match Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels
Now we’re cookin with gas. Man, did I mark out when HBK did his thing last Monday on RAW. Well, that is until Lawler and JR decided not to sell HBK’s selling. Those two are sucking shit lately, I’m sorry. Anyway, it’s been 4 long years since HBK did his thing and the main mystery building up to this is can “Shawn still goâ€Â. Well, the f*cking Cruisers can’t do a tope worth a shit and HBK did it with a broke back, catching his foot on the rope just enough to show that “hey, he might not be able to performâ€Â. Didja stop to think that may have been PLANNED on Shawn’s part? The guy is so far and above everyone else in the psychology department, I wouldn’t put that past him. Remember Mind Games when it looked like Cactus blew a move and Shawn got all up in his face, turning it into a “shoot†looking brawl? Not until recently did we find out that that was actually a planned spot. Or maybe I’m just sitting here wishfully thinking that HBK ain’t all that washed up. I’ll think what I want, you think what you want but just be prepared for a match that’s off the charts, if you have the right mindset on expected expectations. I’m going out on a limb here and will say that these guys have all the details worked out to live up to said expectations, although I doubt we will actually see any “holy shit bumps†from HBK. Which is fine by me, Shawn’s killed himself enough for my amusement over the years. Besides, HBK wouldn’t be doing this if he couldn’t perform and he couldn’t pick a better person in the business to protect him from looking bad than H. And yes, I will like this more than any other match on the card and will vote for it in the “Match of the Year†category, if only on general principle. By the way, how do you vote for that shit anyway? Oh, you have your OWN FUCKING COLUMN and say whatever you want! Yay for me!
The Undertaker vs. Test
Why do people say this one is gonna suck? At least it will have crowd heat, which is more than I can say for a lot of other matches I have seen lately. I’m thinking that Eddie Guererro should join the UnAmerican side just so he can confuse everyone by leading a chant of “You, ese?†– “You, ese?†.see why I don’t do humor, folks? UT has a beef against Test for dissing America, which is a good enough reason to have a fight. So although it won’t be your “technical classicâ€Â, ain’t nothing wrong with a big man brawl, especially with everything else that is on the card. “You, ese?â€Â. OH HYATTE? Could you please help me with my jokes, the boys just ain’t laughing. Now THAT’S funny .ha aha ha ha
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
This is why I refuse to take the Cruiserweight midgets seriously. Not that they are not talented, but the fact is, the Fed does not take them seriously, so why should I? Rey’s first PPV and it ain’t the opener against the Masked Mexican Marauder, but he gets to show his stuff against the best f*cking wrestler on the planet. Which I have absolutely no problem with, just don’t try to convince me that any other Cruiser is on Rey’s level after this. I’ll paraphrase an old Jim Cornette line and predict that this one won’t get an obscene amount of time (maybe 12 minutes at the most) because no one in their right minds would believe Rey could take an big man ass kicking for 25 minutes. Still, it should be quite entertaining and the phrase you WON’T hear is “clash in stylesâ€Â, at least not in the bad way. Angle rules, Rey is great and it would be nice if the give Rey a fluke win here, if only to continue the feud. I have no problem at all with these guys doing multiple matches, with Angle continuing to bust Rey’s balls for “cheatingâ€Â. That’s some good stuff.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge
Edge continues his development as a top level talent and who better to assist him than Latino Heat? Again, this match speaks for itself – Eddie will cheat like hell and Edge will be up to his normal Edge stuff. I like how Edge has improved so much over the past few months and it’s fathomable that he will most likely keep up with Eddie here. Good, good and good. Edge has “future†written all over him and it’s great to see him showcase his abilities with guys like Eddie, Benoit and Angle as opposed to Regal (and Some Other Guy, for that matter) . Not to mention, his “spear the dude through the ropes†move has become one of my favorites, right up there with Eddie spinning his boot of some chumps forehead and then laughing at him in Spanish. Hey! I think this match is right up my alley!
Ric Flair’s Match
Flair’s latest “last run†has been a good one, as he has seemed to re – educate the unwashed masses that, yes indeed, less is more and it’s all about the presentation, sometimes. While I’m thinking about it, does it ever seem to you that the more talented someone is and despite the fact they can cut promos better and get a crowd incited more than many of their peers, for political reasons they are consistently buried and made to look the fool in just about every feud or angle that they are involved in? Yeah, I have always hated the fact that happens to Flair. Who did YOU have in mind? At least I can guarantee I’ll see some BLOOD in this one, which is always worth my dough. And this is my 2nd favorite match on the card, for reasons I’ll keep to myself. Just watch how the match progresses and form you own opinion. Then come back and tell me how it’s possible for a 50 year old man to run circles around his opponent. Must be political. But I’m pretty sure that Flair can’t play a guitar, although he did do a nice impression of Pete Townsend the other night. Now, where’s my Teenage Wasteland to tell me how great Some Other Guy is? I know you’re out there.
And there’s your card for SummerSlam. I don’t see a damn thing wrong with it. But I’m sure someone will think it sucks, I just hope that someone is not you. But if it is? So be it. A message board somewhere is a-waiting your opinion. Chop chop!
HEADLINES
Just my luck that Hashish took the easy way out and totally bypassed the other news to do a PPV preview. Why do I say that? Because that leaves me two topics that deal with lawsuits, which in turn deals with the lawyers and the court system, which in turn makes me want to puke. But I will hold my nose, take a drink and attempt to get through the next two items without going off on a tangent on how anyone involved in the legal system should be made to dress like sheep and be thrown to a pack of horny Australians
Tiger Ali Singh, better known as that jerkoff who Vince Russo tried to get over, is now SUING the WWE for a cool seven MILLION dollars (along with that no talent father of his trying to get an extra million for himself) for allegedly forcing him to don a turban and take part in a degrading gimmick. Oh, and they also f*cked with him backstage, the litany of charges ranging from hazing out of control to downright embarrassment in the form of shitting in his turban. Poor baby. Is he going to call Sable as a character witness? Or better yet, will he get that dumb ass ref that got turfed out for being a big baby and then spilled his guts for alleged “backstage wrongdoingâ€Â? What the hell is his old man Jeet’s problem, anyway? Who cares about him? Oh yeah, Tiger also is claiming that the Fed fired him after his “career ending injury†in a rain soaked ring in Puerto Rico. I can pretty much guarantee he wasn’t doing a “no hands tope†to impress the crowd when it happened. But hey! He has a lawsuit, and as frivolous as it may be, it will be taken seriously in a court of law, most likely making sure it is booked ahead of the rapist that has gotten continuance after continuance due to the fact that the court system in overwhelmed by someone who just can’t handle the fact that they were assigned a gimmick and pushed but still was unable to captivate the fans imagination. Like that has never happened. My only concern in all this is that it will open the door for a whole bunch of failed wrestlers to sue over “stupid or offensive gimmick assignmentsâ€Â. And as it was said in the classic song “Mac the Knifeâ€Â, “oh that line forms on the RIGHT, BABE.â€Â. What sticks in my mind here is that Cactus Jack had probably the most ridiculous gimmicks every given to someone during his run in the Fed – Mankind (a deformed, abused piano prodigy) and Dude Fucking Love (which needs no explanation). Jeez, Mick made it work didn’t he? Oh, yeah. He had TALENT! More on this story as it develops, but hopefully the news breaks during the WEEK so I don’t have to deal with it.
Item two on the legal front deals with The Real REAL Double J (TRRDJ) Jerry Jarrett’s pending suit against, among others, a cat named Hassman, who allegedly f*cked him over on the NWA-TNA’s PPV dealing. Well, I’ll be a raped ape. This one is going to be good folks, as we will actually get to witness how incompetent people in the wrestling business can actually be. At this point I am taking BOB, TRRDJ and the gangs’ side, just because of this:
He said, she said, paranoia reigns, one impugns, another seconds, a rumor is suddenly verified as truth, all spirals outward, everybody’s living in fear, disaster’s on the horizon, anger, hatred is incited from within, as with venomous “leaks-scoops” with “5-minute-later 1wrestling.com exclusive extensive interviews” (read in actuality, diatribes), manipulative, scandalous follow-ups, mixed with rumor-mongering and not only attempted character-assassination, but also highlighted by threats of death by shooting…
All this, just because some people don’t understand, won’t listen, and regardless of how many times things are explained, “just don’t get it!”
That’s as much as I will waste you time with here. The full monty is over on the newsline, I will provide a link at the end of this segment.
Oh except this
PS: No telephone calls, please. My lawyers say nothing but prepared statements in order to prevent any more “downright consternation crisis creations.” PS: Email any questions to me and I will answer only those that counsel says I can.
Good Lord, where do I start. Anyone who has read my columns or has ever talked to me knows at times, I ramble incoherently, especially if my mixture is several notches over the limit (or under the limit for that matter). But that’s f*cking around. This, according to Hassman is a PREPARED statement, which means his LAWYERS approved this for public consumption. Three sentences in and I’m thinking “Damn, this guy is a f*ck upâ€Â. The icing on the cake was the “This is a prepared statement†portion, which almost made me spittake my vodka and lime. You have GOT to be kidding me! If the charges that TRRDJ and BOB say are true, Hassman is about to be in some serious hot water. Fraud, especially when it falls under FCC jurisdiction, is not something to be taken lightly. So, we waited and waited for Hassman to finally tell his side of the story and that’s what he comes up with? And the lawyers approved it? Don’t even get me started on the various grammatical errors and sentence structure of said “prepared statementâ€Â. This guy comes off like a clown and a no-nothing, which he may or may not be, but damn. At least take some f*cking pride in explaining YOUR side of the story, dude. Trust me, when BOB is legally able to go online and rip you a new asshole, he will so you should try to be better prepared for these wars. By the way, hire some f*cking lawyers with secretaries that know how to proofread, or at least get someone to do your public speaking for you. And here’s another piece of advice – sucking up to Keller and the Torch ain’t gonna help – he will turn on you faster than a whore turns a $10 trick at 3 in the morning. Oh, and don’t type in caps.
For the full effect – click here. Or go to the newsline archives, 8.20.02 for Jay Hassman speaks .trust me, it’s a must read.
THE ROSS SAYS THIS
In the latest Ross Report, JR gets no love from Flea. Next.
ROLL THE DICE
Here’s some various bits of news for youse
One of the IWC’s favorite whipping boys, X-Pac, has been released from the WWE in what all parties involved are calling a “mutual agreementâ€Â. That’s legal talk for they didn’t want him and he didn’t want to be there, in case you didn’t know. It’s starting to look like the whole N.W.O thing really WAS poison, as everyone associated with it seems to be dropping off like flies. Hall? Gone? Nash? Not gone, but it don’t look good. Hogan? Great babyface run but the tank appears to be about empty. Big Show? Still a f*ck as far as anyone is concerned. And now X-Pac, who only three years ago led the revolution that toppled WCW, as the Fed’s red hot programs hit high gear for the summer of 98. For some reason everyone always hated this dude, although now that he’s gone I predict a love fest as folks will remember that Waltman was a hell of an in ring performer and although he held himself above the Cruisers, he was instrumental in having the little guys taken seriously. And don’t forget that without him, the term “educated feet†may not be a household word. So give it up for Sean Waltman and be sure to go and see him at a Bingo Hall near you. Or NWA-TNA, same difference.
Hyatte’s favorite wrestler “Big Sexy†Kevin Nash continues to rehab his leg and has the pictures to prove it. What? You thought he was faking it? Shame on you. Let me rephrase that. Shame on you, dumb ass. By clicking here you can see all the pictures fit to publish. And as they say, a picture is worth two hands in the bush.
Smackdown ended up with a 3.6 rating this week and everyone is pretty much in agreement that the bleeding has stopped as far as the ratings are concerned. Just a bump in the road, folks, as the Fed attempted to redefine itself in an era of no competition. And all it took was for Bischoff to get hired and for Stephanie to return. Go figure.
IN OTHER WORDS
E.C. and his Mind Squezzins take a look at SummerSlam and in turn you should take a look at E.C. His column that is. Also be on the lookout for a Byte This Report. I think this is the first time in a long long time I haven’t come up with something clever and verbose using the initials E.C. Nope, still can’t think of nothing. Bummer.
BOSS reviews NWA-TNA showing that the workload begins at the top and slithers its way down to us peons. Check him out.
I didn’t see it but I’m sure the Rasslin Roundtable will be posted sometime this weekend.
And don’t forget to check out the 411 Forum. New and improved just for you!
PAGE SIX
Just to let you know, the Honky Tonk Man website giveaway is now complete and we have a WINNER! Thanks to all that participated. The winner will be announced in the Monday Edition. (Providing said person responds). You know who you are! Please respond so I can give you some free stuff! If not, the prize will go to the next in line! It’s all for you!
And on that note I’m gonna call it a wrap. Come back for the Monday Edition as the PPV will be looked as well as some other goodies, I’m sure. Not to mention, I’ll have a Flea look at Baseball the next time we meet! Surely you let me stray off the wrestling topic, right?
This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.
