– Oh my god, it’s some rap guy and his hoardes of similarly dressed rap guys coming out of a limo. Curt Hennig tries to suck up to them, then turns on them. Yeah, piss off a bunch of black guys in military fatigues. THAT’S real smart.
– Live from Baltimore, MD
– Your hosts are Tony, Mike and Bobby.
– 10 minutes of recaps to start.
– Gene shills the hotline.
– Another recap, this one of Hak v. Knobbs.
– Opening match: “Knasty” Brian Knobbs v. Hak. Knobbs hits Hak with a chair. Hak hits Knobbs with a chair. Hak hits Knobbs with a ladder. Hak hits Knobbs with a chair. Knobbs hits Hak with a ladder. Knobbs hits Hak with the ladder again. Hak hits Knobbs with the ladder again. Hak tries a senton onto the ladder but Knobbs moves. Knobbs hits Hak with the ladder a couple of times. Jimmy Hart positions a chair, but the crushing forces of irony interject themselves and Knobbs goes into it, allowing a single kendo stick shot for the Hak win. Knobbs and Hugh Morrus destroy Hak. Total crap, but it got the crowd going. *
– Roddy Piper and Buff Bagwell share a male bonding moment in the back. Buff promises to watch Piper’s back tonight. Oh, like we don’t all know what’s going to happen there.
– Mikey Whipwreck v. Van Hammer. Who the FUCK decided to put this shit on here? Did someone look at the card and say “Hey, there’s only NINE shitty matches on this card…LET’S ADD ANOTHER!” Hammer slowly tosses poor Mikey around the ring, giving the already half-full crowd a chance to escape before the real crap begins. Mass “boring” chant. Hammer, master of crowd psychology that he is, applies the dreaded ROPE ASSISTED ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF MILD DISCOMFORT! They fight outside the ring and Mikey ends up taking a nice bump on the railing. Hammer finishes it after about 10 hours with a bastardized version of the Johnny Ace cobra clutch slam. 1/4*
– Buff Bagwell v. Disco Inferno. Stall, a couple of moves, stall. As exciting as it sounds. Disco drops Buff on his neck and controls with the usual, Buff comes back but gets crotched on the top when going for the Blockbuster. Disco hits the Last Apocolyptic Chartbusting Stunner Dance on the floor, and Buff pulls himself back in. Disco resurrects the MACARENA DRIVER~! but Buff backdrops out and hits the Blockbuster for the pin. That was whatever. *
– Hey! It’s DJ Ran and he’s all up in our area! WHO THE FUCK DECIDED TO PUT THIS GUY ON PPV? He introduces that Master P guy, and I honestly have clue who this guy is. The crowd seems just as excited to see him as I am.
– Curt Hennig & Bobby Duncam Jr. v. K-Dong & Rey Rey. I love the Country Boyz entrance music — it’s a country song with “Raaaaaaaaap is crap” as the chorus. Too funny. Hennig gives a rambling threat to Master P and the match is underway. Boring semi-squash as Hennig and Duncam work over Rey Jr for a while until Gonnad makes the hot tag. Master P gets involved and Rey hits a slingshot legdrop on someone for the pin. Barry Windham and Master P get involved and a big brawl erupts. This was nothing. *1/2
– Ernest Miller v. Scott Norton. No, wait, here comes Horace for some reason. They talk trash and we get this instead…
– Ernest Miller v. Horace Hogan. If Norton was smart, he’d have just no-showed here. I don’t even wanna get into this. I really don’t. My spirit has been broken, I just to want see Benoit and never speak of this show again. Sonny Onoo gives Ernest a RED RUBY SLIPPER OF DOOM (I can’t even MAKE this shit up) and Miller gets the superkick for the pin. We’ll be generous and call it a DUD
– Ric Flair v. Roddy Piper. For the Presidency. Again. The usual comedy match. I regale the other watchers in the room with stories of Piper’s glory days in 1890 when George Hackenschmidt was a mere youngster, and Piper and Flair would do 3 hour draws in Shea Stadium with admission prices of 5 cents, when people would get their money’s worth, dammit! Potato punches, eye pokes, mass interference, foreign objects, Flair’s ass…the match has it all. Flair gets the figure-four, but Buff Bagwell runs in…and Piper turns on him. Flair, Piper and Anderson do a beatdown on Bagwell. Wow, what an exciting swerve. Well, if it gets the old v. young thing going, yay. I could have done without the match, though. -***
– TV title match, falls count anywhere: Rick Steiner v. Sting. Why FCA? Has no real effect on the match, as they do a really boring Thunder-level match. Crowd is just dead as Rick applies resthold after resthold. Sting gets the Scorpion deathlock, but Rick makes the ropes and they leave the ring and walk back to the rampway. Okay, get this. And keep in mind I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. They fight to the back, where Tank Abbot chokes out Sting with a towel, and then Scott Steiner attacks…with two dobermans and a Rottweiler. No, honest. Sting gets attacked by THREE ACTUAL DOGS, who “bite” Sting. We cut back to the crowd, who are chanting “bullshit” en masse. The Steiners come back to the ring, and Rick is declared the winner for no reason I can imagine, and they cut a promo. I cannot believe that this was the best that they could think of. I am in shock, seriously. This was quite possibly the worst possible idea humanly possible. How do you rate the match? Scott notes that he’s nWo 4 life because WCW sucks, and the crowd agrees with him. Please bring some real wrestlers in here.
– WCW World tag team title: Chris Benoit & Saturn v. The Jersey Boyz. I feel like Bart Simpson at Kamp Krusty, muttering “Benoit is coming, Benoit is coming”. SAVE US FROM THIS CRAP, CHRIS! Kanyon and Page are doing the match, so it’s all good. Well, no, because everyone seems to have it in neutral tonight. Crowd is just gone. Benoit gets beat on for a while and Saturn gets the hot tag. Frog splash on Kanyon. Crowd is chanting something derogatory towards someone, but I can’t tell what. More shenanigans puts Saturn in the Ricky Morton role. Oh, man, this match is just brutal. Benoit gets the hot tag, hits the rolling german suplexes on Kanyon, and goes for the headbutt. BUT…Dean Malenko comes down to ringside and ties up Saturn on the outside, allowing Bigelow and Page to do the Bubba Cutter thing on Benoit, thus giving Benoit another 3 day special title reign. Yeah, job Benoit, that puts me in a good mood. **1/2
– Alleged main event, WCW World title: Big Poochie v. Randy Sewage. It should be noted that this is Nash’s first title defense, EVER. Nash gets a quick flurry of offense and then Savage takes over with CHOKING! PUNCHING! KICKING! He’s the most dangerous man in our sport, you know. Miss Madness hits the dropkick off the top rope…and Savage hits the elbow! Oh no, how can Nash possibly kick out of the move that was banned for injuring too many people! The suspense is killing me! Oh, thank god, he kicked out. Nash hits the powerbomb, and the ho train runs in. Nash fights them off…AND SID RUNS IN! HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! Match is thrown out, but holy shit! Call the match -**.
The Bottom Line: Well, the ending saves it from worst PPV ever, but man was the first 99% of this show a write-off. Of course, only 12 people probably ordered it to begin with, but I KNOW Nash v. Sid will draw for the next PPV. Assuming he sticks around that long.
Thumbs way the f*ck down.
