Okay, slight change of plans. I ended up taking my profile to work to photocopy it, then proceeded to leave it there. Of course, leaving it there on my desk might attract some attention from certain people that I’m not in the “happy camper” category and might prompt some people to seriously consider the raise that I desperately deserve. Sure.
So let’s just move on to other things right now…
THE PIMP SECTION
Sorry, I’ve been derelict in this area lately, but that’s because I haven’t found a good place to fit the damn thing in without breaking the flow of the column. So let’s make up a little for that:
Deonandan echoes a lot of the stuff I’ve been saying about wrestling for the last couple years. Welcome to the Dark Side, my son.
Nason, as usual, puts a lot of great work in, and should be credited fully for that.
I pimped Letawsky’s past columns yesterday, but here’s this week’s entry.
Daniels, because he wrote me to assure me that the Lon Guyland crowd really was turning against Flex with a vengeance. He knows how to warm my little black heart.
CNN.COM PROVIDES ME WITH ONE-STOP SHOPPING
Nice little article on there comparing and contrasting various anti-depressants in advance of next week’s release of Lexapro. I’ve never been on a CRF antagonist before, so I’m not sure about this. However, I happen to have an appointment with my shrink in a couple weeks, and now might be a good time to try some new brain candy. I am not averse to using my body for chemical experimentation, and since Lexapro has fewer side effects than its big brother Celexa (not to mention Paxil), I’ll probably end up asking about it.
In that vein, Brad M asks me this:
Which mental disorders do you have and what medication are you taking for them? Just about everyone I know suffers from some form of mental disorder, anything from depression to bipolar disorder, but I suppose I’m in the minority since I don’t have any that I’m aware of.
From the people I’ve just mentioned, almost all of them have tried Paxil at some point, with some really conflicting results. Some claim it totally changed their lives around, while others said they couldn’t sleep on it, had NO sexual desire and tingled when they yawned because of it.
I suffer from Type II Bipolar Disorder and from General Anxiety Disorder. I’m on Lamictal for the former, Paxil for the latter. The side effects you’re describing about Paxil are pretty common. I’ve experienced the daytime fatigue, but not the insomnia (in fact, I sleep better on Paxil). I have noticed a decrease in libido, but that might be more due to aging than medications (you eighteen-year-olds don’t know what you’re missing; hell, I’d kill to get an erection from a stiff breeze again). So if Lexapro really does have fewer side effects, it’s definitely something I’d look into.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
A series of singles elimination matches to determine a Number One Contender? Hold it, didn’t we already have a match like that on Monday? I thought Trip was the Number One Contender…oh, wait, we can’t have that, because Steph’s still miffed about the divorce. So let’s go with dueling Number One Contenders for Unforgiven, with a match between them to determine who faces Lesnar at the end of the show. God, I hate them.
However, there are some good matches involved in this prior to the Triple Threat Culmination, so it may be worth taping this week. The problem is getting beyond the opening promo/screech from the Bitch of the Baskervilles.
Pity poor John Cena. Major Rookie Push to being used to advance the D-Von/Batista feud in two months. John, get the resume updated and find another line of work, quickly. Ditto for you, Mister Constantino. Being made Rey-Rey’s bitch comes close to that level of humiliation.
Anybody else think they’re building to that long-awaited, Major Moment match between Dawn Marie and My Beautiful and Beloved at SurSer over the issue of who was a better wage-slave to the Bitch of the Baskervilles?
Tajiri versus Shannon Moore? Some nice Cruiser LUV going on there. Unfortunately, that means that Noble and Helms are going to get involved, sine they actually have angles and the match participants don’t.
Here’s the reasoning behind Lesnar versus Matt Hardy: “Well, Jeff versus Undertweener worked, so why not this?” Well, mainly because the idea of a freakishly-dressed closet case versus a lumbering lug sucks as a general principle. This isn’t wrestling, this is high-concept gay porn.
I won’t even comment about the Triple Threat final match. It makes me too damn depressed to even think about this, and the ramifications of the results of this match. Seen it, move on.
CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED? IF SO, WHY?
So Steve and Deb ended up filing for divorce. Gee, what a surprise. Hey, it give us something to talk about, though, since we can’t get enough of Wrestlers Who Make Dumb Career Decisions And Move On To Something Really Stupid.
You know, Debra has the worst taste in men. After trolling around football locker rooms looking for the perfect dumb hunk, she ends up selecting McMichael. I can’t think of her motivation for that selection. Well, I can think of two reasons: 1) Guaranteed income potential or 2) Hung like a Texas pony. When the money stream ended and he was stuck being a horrible wrestler, she ditched him and moved on to a better target: a guy who already stole a wife from another wrestler (and his own mentor to boot) and had a well-documented attitude problem, yet made tons of money…there seems to be a recurring theme there. Then, when his income potential was shut out and the violence started, the divorce gets filed.
Who’s next for Debra? Well, if WWE doesn’t let her back (and I have this feeling they will; all she has to do is pull out the Tammy Wynette card to Vince, who’d understand), how about coming back here to Chicago? I think she’s got a perfect sucker in Theo Fleury. Matches her profile perfectly.
Serial Monogamy: Enjoy It!
MAILBAG!
In answer to Ronism82@aol.com’s rudely-put question, yes, I do get fan mail. Lots of it. Your little screed, in fact, is in the minority. And use a goddamn spell checker, please.
Let’s start off with Nick Howells, who came through with my query from yesterday viz. combined titles for Booker and Christian. His count is 38 titles between the two, broken down as follows:
Christian: 8 WWE tag, 1 IC, 1 Euro, 1 LHW, 1 Hardcore
Booker: 5 WCW World, 11 WCW tag, 1 WCW US, 6 WCW TV, 1 WWE tag, 2 WWE Hardcore
Where I lost count was in the minor belts, since I wasn’t certain about how many times Booker is credited with the WCW TV title and how many Hardcore titles they ended up winning. Nick agrees with me, though, that these guys held gold too often to be used as curtain-jerkers, especially since they’re involved with one of Raw’s major feuds.
Memo to Big Daddy Kurt Dieckmann: All of the seedy motels south of Midway are gone, replaced by expensive chain hotels. They’ve really built up the area lately. So next time you fly through there and are stuck, you’ll still get three hours of fitful sleep, but you’ll get overcharged for it. You’re right, though, about WWE seeming to go for the “chicks who dig aging, fat bald guys” demographic with the stripping of Finkel. That demographic does seem to be exploding lately. Why else would Anna Nicole Smith have a TV show?
In response to BrianS7: I call Flex Flex because it’s a good reminder about the fact that when he broke in with USWA, he called himself Flex Kavana, a little fact that’s been buried beneath Vince’s Hype Machine. Just a humbling little tidbit. It took a lot of decision on my part to fix on that, since I’d already used most of the names of the archdemons of Hell and didn’t want to go all-out into obscenities.
I’ll spare Beau Landaiche a little embarassment and not print his scenario for what he thought was going to happen with Kane’s return, because it all turned moot due to the events of SD. Very good scenario, though, Beau. Full props from my end. I think we’re both sorry it turned out to be wrong.
Memo to Philip Cadden: Oh, no, I’m not going to do that. I have something else planned for then, and I’m already working on it in my mind.
Kandriasin comments about my wardrobe choices:
An Oscar de la Renta suit and Bill Blass shoes? Very nice, and particularly apropos if you’re down with Aleister Crowley, but I personally would have gone with Ermenegildo Zegna. Hey, for what it’s worth, he custom-made all of Al Pacino’s suits for Devil’s Advocate…and I THINK it was Bruno Maglia that customized the cloven-hoof boots for him. And here I was, thinking that Armani (particularly the A/X line, not Le Collezioni) would have been what the well-dressed diabolist would be wearing this year.
Hey, if I could afford Armani, I’d wear Armani. Instead, I have to look at what’s in the bargain bin at Men’s Wearhouse. I lucked into the Oscar (not to mention the Blass shoes, which were on sale at one place I went to).
Andrew Blumberg puts out a great line that deserves attention:
There are three ways Rock could make care about him anymore: a) Turn Heel, b) Die, c) Lose clean to Funaki.
Losing clean to Funaki in a squash would do it. I think I’d be satisfied with him losing clean to Funaki in a promo at this point.
A bunch of people went after me for responding to Joe Stock’s missive about Flex possibly being a mark for himself. Well, the evidence isn’t fully in yet. The fact that he’s now billing himself as Duane Johnson in his movies (the situation to the contrary being something that I complained about in my guest appearance in Letawsky’s column) points against it, but I think there’s still too little evidence to establish a conclusion either way. The fact that he did seem legitimately pissed when the SumSlam crowd went after him, though…it’s a hard decision to make given the situation. And, no, I don’t believe he’s a good enough actor to pull that off.
Tom Valentino posits the theory that fans are pissed about Flex leaving for another movie, based on the fact that he read somewhere that fans were chanting “You Sold Out” at him at one point. Can someone confirm or deny those chants? Given the “E-C-W” chants from the MSG crowd during the Van Dam-Dreamer match on Raw, if it happened at SumSlam, it may have been just another Bingo Hall favorite being revived.
Chris Jackson’s a tad worried:
Hi Eric, I have a short question for you that I’m sure you covered in a previous column but I can’t find it. I have kazaa and I use it quite frequently, actually have over 500 songs on there already, now I’m told of something call SpyWare, what is it? What does it monitior and should I worry about it, I only go to porn once in a while and the most illegal thing I’ve ever done on the net is try and buy a fake I.D. Now, if it is a bad bad thing and I should get rid of it, I’ve heard Kazaa Lite is better, but if I switch, will I lose all my downloads?
Yes, I did cover this in a previous column, but it’s good to go over again.
a) Definitely switch to KaZaA Lite. I use it when I need to hook into the FastTrack network. You won’t “lose your songs” because they’re stored on your local hard drive, not magically floating out there in KaZaA-space.
b) What spyware does is track your browsing habits so that ad-pushing companies can end up targeting ads toward you specifically. It does its job, however, without you knowing about it, sending that information to wherever without you noticing, unless you have some kind of local firewall set up with a warning system that something’s trying to make an outbound connection (Zone Alarm, for instance). KaZaA is loaded with spyware, and you don’t have a choice of whether to install it or not (unlike with, say, BearShare). In fact, KaZaA won’t function without the spyware present. So, if you like using the FastTrack network but don’t like your browsing habits being spied on, here’s what to do:
1) Grab a copy of Kazaa Lite.
2) While you’re over there, he has a link to Ad-Aware. Grab a copy of that and the latest reference base. There’s a good tutorial on the site about how to use it.
3) Uninstall KaZaA.
4) Install and run Ad-Aware. It’ll get rid of all the spyware crud that KaZaA and other programs have installed.
5) Install KaZaA Lite.
6) Pirate away.
And I’ll do the same right now, except it’s on autopilot as I go to work. Enjoy the holiday weekend if you’re in the US (I won’t; I know I’m working Saturday). Grut will be in tomorrow with more of his normal material. Buh-bye.
About Eric Szulczewski
