“The experiment we’ll be observing: can a company with its back to the wall still deliver an entertaining PPV? In my own damned opinion, the pieces are in place for SuperBrawl to be fun to watch.”
– Rick Scaia, Superbrawl Preview.
See, kids, NOW do you understand why alcoholism has such long-term damaging effects to the rational part of your brain?
The Netcop Rant for Superbrawl X (2000)
Live from San Francisco, CA. Airdate Feb 20/2000
Your hosts are Tony, Mike and Mark “CRZ is a jackass but I still steal his material” Madden.
Opening match, Jobberweight finals: Prince Idon’tcarea v. Lash Leroux. Prince attacks to start and gets nowhere. Lash tries his goofy punching thing but gets superkicked. Prince is soon bumped out and Lash follow with a pescado. Back in, Prince takes over. Paisley gets up on the apron for no discernable reason and never gets down again. Prince blocks a sunset flip by groping the ref, thus drawing the dreaded “faggot” chant. Now will WCW bury the Prince, too, like they did Lenny & Lodi? Brawl outisde goes nowhere. Back in, the Prince hits a belly to belly for two and a well-deserved “boring” chant erupts. Lash comes back with nothing of note, but the Prince blocks a rana and hits his jumping DDT thing for the pin and the title at 5:47. And the crowd goes apathetic. *, which is actually better than I thought it’d be. Typical WCWSN match here.
Hardcore title match: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Brian Knobbs. For those who doubt the power of networking in business, witness Brian Knobbs, completely bereft of any talent for the business but still employed and pushed due to friendship with Hulk Hogan. Why does someone nicknamed “Nasty” have a ripoff version of “My Sharona” as a theme song? Are The Knack REALLY that hardcore? We play “I hit you, you hit me” for a bit, then the standard “I am unable to resist the force you are placing on my head and thus I must follow you from one end of the arena to the other” walking spot that takes us to the back, then back to the ring again. Well that was certainly pointless. Dumbass Madden comment for the match: He notes that this title moves around a lot. Even though there’s only been THREE champions ever. Right. And while I’m thinking of the “dragging by the hair” spot, what exactly is Knobbs dragging Bigelow by? His tattoos? Knobbs sets up a table, but the crushing force of irony deals him a bad hand and he goes through it himself. Wow, didn’t see that one coming AT ALL. Nope. Bigelow hits his finisher, but declines the pin. Why? So he can set up losing the match, silly. And sure enough, he goes to the top, but gets knocked off and pinned at 4:41 to give Knobby boy the title back. And the crowd goes apathetic. Or as Knobbs would say in his cliched 80s interview style: AND THE CROWD GOES APATHETIC!!!! Ã‚Â½*
Various security people are shown standing guard outside the doors of the participants in the main event, which is basically a waste of 5 or 10 minutes that could have been used for the matches, because these segments didn’t, you know, GO ANYWHERE. So I’ll skip them all.
Three Count v. Norman Smiley. Good heel heat for Three Count tonight. Smiley cleans house and backdrops a Backside Boy onto the other two. They gang up on Smiley and get some two counts. Shane misses a Jeff Hardy senton, allowing Norman to use a giant swing. Well, Smiley is certainly playing it for comedy. Funny moment follows as Smiley evades a move from Shannon and sets up a collision between Shannon and Evan as a result, but they stop and dance just before colliding. Norman joins them, then gets the Norman Conquest on Shannon. They gang up on him again and hit their finishers in sequence, ending with a Liontamer from Shannon (or Shane, whichever) for the submission at 4:06. Match was decent comic relief, but then they blew it and went for the “serious” ending with Smiley being courageous and stuff. *1/2
Special Main Event Match: The Demon v. The Wall. Speaking of comic relief, WCW’s contract with KISS stipulates that the Demon has to be involved in one main event match on PPV, so this is billed as a special main event match. Har har, that WCW, aren’t they clever? I hope Gene Simmons sues for breach of contract just to rub salt in their wounds. Crowd hits the “boring” chants before anything boring even happens, so I guess it was a pre-emptive strike or something. Mark Madden gets to realize his dream here and work “That’s no shotgun, that’s my lovegun” into a PPV telecast, so at least he’s getting something out of this match. Demon does stuff, Wall does stuff, crowd does nothing. Wall goes up and gets slammed off, then Demon tries his luck on the top and gets chokeslammed off for the pin at 3:12. And the crowd goes well, you know. Ã‚Â¼*
Leather Jacket on a Pole: Tank Abbott v. Big Al. They STILL haven’t explained exactly who Big Al is and why he should even be allowed to wrestle. But wait, the trainwreck gets even more gruesome! They decide to use Al’s belt to lash their hands together, then slug away at each other while hurling some decidedly un-PC language at each other. Al manages to floor Tank with a forearm (pfff) and then does nothing. What a talent. He eventually settles on stepping on his face, which only serves to piss Tank off. Tank boxes him in the ropes, then puts him over his shoulder and climbs for the jacket. He then accidentally DROPS Al to the floor, but still claims the jacket for the win at 4:32. But wait, it gets better. He then finds a knife in the pocket of the jacket, and puts it against Al’s throat and says, and I’m quoting here, “I could f*cking kill you right now”. The camera IMMEDIATELY pulls away and we cut to an interview backstage. Well, if you wanted to get yourself fired, that’s a darn good start on it. -****
Booker v. Big T. Booker’s heat is now gone thanks to this angle. I think Ahmed is actually getting fatter as we watch him. Big T slowly controls to start, but Booker gets a suplex. Miracles can happen! I thought the overwhelming mass of Big T’s ass would prevent that move from ever happening to him again. They fight outside, where Booker gets control again. Various interference briefly turns the tide. Back in and Booker goes into the finishing sequence (Big T has done all of about one move at this point Ã¢â‚¬â€œ a clothesline) and a missile dropkick looks to finish. However, the lights go out, and it’s it’s A BIG FAT BLACK GUY. That now makes three for the match. He then proceeds to DO NOTHING. Oooo, that’s scary. Booker is apparently so thrown off by this unconventional interference tactic (directly contradicting the school of thought that says interference should involve the interferer actually DOING SOMETHING) that he falls prey to the Big T Bomb and gets pinned at 5:21 to lose the rights to the Harlem Heat. I’m sure he’s crying in his beer over that one. Call the match Ã‚Â½* Now can we PLEASE find something else for Booker to do?
Kidman v. Vampiro. Wrestling sequence to start. Vamp gets a brainbuster for two. He dropkicks the knee, and Torrie gets on the apron. Kidman accidentally knocks her off, and he have a whole little pathos play on the floor as a result. The ending sees Kidman stopping Vamp from hitting her with a chair. Kidman slingshots in but gets taken down with a fireman’s carry. Snap suplex gets two. Kidman gets a rollup and powerbomb for two. Vampiro hits a fameasser for two. Is that HEAT from the crowd I hear? Missile dropkick gets two. Kidman gets a top rope rana for two. Vampiro answers with a double powerbomb for two. They head to the top and Kidman gets a deathdrop that looked botched for the pin at 7:18. Nothing special here. *1/2
Italian Stretcher match: The Mamalukes v. David Flair & Crowbar. Big brawl to start. Crowbar hits a nice pescado onto the stretcher and Johnny. Disco, on commentary, assures us that the stretchers are NOT Italian, it’s just a figure of speech. Into the ring, Mamalukes do their usual. Daffney joins us in there and hits a rana on Johnny, then maces Disco. How can you NOT love this girl? Crowbar gets a lionsault on Vito and finds another table. As per the rule tonight, he goes through it. Champs double-team David and Johnny hits his finisher Ã¢â‚¬â€œ the guillotine legdrop Ã¢â‚¬â€œ and that’s enough to put David on the stretcher and eliminate him. Crowbar fights off the champs as Daffney rings the bell for no real reason. They have GOTTA find something useful for her to do, she’s too good to waste in this. Alas for Crowbar, he gets beaten down mafia-style with a lead pipe and put through another table, and that’s enough to finish him for the Mamaluke win at 11:21. They put Daffney in a wheelchair and gag her, drawing a face pop, and send her away too. This tried really hard to be a chaotic brawl, but it only succeeded in being chaotic. Still, they tried hard. *3/4
Low point of the evening follows (and that’s saying something) as the Cat brings out a James Brown impersonator, gets confronted by the Maestro, and then counters by bringing out the real James Brown. They dance. There’s 15 minutes I’ll never have back. And is the idea to turn Miller face? Because that’d probably be the worst possible thing they could do with him at this point.
Death Match: Terry Funk v. Ric Flair. No state attached to this one, it’s just a generic, run of the mill Death Match. Duh-Stin Rhodes is ringside with Funk. Slugfest to start. Flair stalls. Back in, more slugging. Flair kicks out of a spinning toehold. They fight outside. Slowly. Well, they’re both over 50, so can’t really blame them for that. Funk suplexes him on the floor for the first fall at 5:05. Flair beats the count. He kicks Funk in the nuts and gingerly beats on his knee with a chair. Back in, and a figure-four gets the submission at 7:45. Funk beats the count. Flair gets slammed off the top and Funk piledrives him on the floor, twice, for a pinfall at 10:08. Flair beats the count. Back in, Funk sets up a table and piledrives Flair through it. Good looking spot. He picks him up at two. Eh? Funk gets another table, and according to the law tonight, goes through it. Flair gets the final pin at 15:06, as Funk is unable to answer the bell. A good brawl, but too slow-paced. ***
Hulk Hogan v. Lex Luger. Choke, kick, punch, you know the drill. Standard 80s Hogan match here. Luger uses the only wrestling move of the match Ã¢â‚¬â€œ a vertical suplex Ã¢â‚¬â€œ and that’s too much for Hogan to keep up with, so he hulks up and finishes things with the same stuff he’s been using for 20 years Ã¢â‚¬â€œ big boot, legdrop for the pin at 8:09. Hogan got a good pop, so expect him to convince someone higher up that he is thus still a draw, and should get the title again. I’ll put betting at two weeks or less for him to end up with the belt again. DUD Flair and Luger end up doing a beatdown, but Sting makes his “surprise” appearance with a NEW MAKEUP JOB (wow, how revolutionary) and makes the save.
WCW World title match: Sid Vicious v. Jeff Jarrett v. Scott Hall. We are WOEFULLY short of time at this point thanks to the Orange Goblin’s spotlight-hogging, so it’s pretty rushed all around. Hall is the crowd favorite, no surprise there. Sid cleans house but the Harrises interfere. Jarrett takes over with a sleeper on Hall, and the ref gets bumped less than 3 minutes in. Sid chokeslams both men, and ref #2 counts two. Jarrett nails Sid with the belt for two. Jarrett & Hall exchange near falls. Ref #2 is taken out by Jarrett. Jarrett gets KO’d with a chair, giving Hall a two count from ref #3. Jarrett takes out said referee. And another one, leaving only the Evil nWo Referee. Hall gets the Outsider Edge on JJ, but the Evil nWo Referee won’t count. Jarrett kabongs Hall for two, but now Roddy Piper makes his “surprise” appearance as Ref #6 and stops the Evil nWo Referee from counting. Why? We’re already 6 refs in, why bother asking? Sid chokeslams Jarrett and powerbombs Hall for the pin at 7:00. Crowd is NOT impressed. We go rushing off the air due to imminent loss of airtime. **1/4
The Bottom Line: Well, we were expecting nothing from WCW, and as usual they delivered in spades. Had they actually KEPT the Radicals instead of releasing them due to misguided principles, this might have been decent, but the remaining talent is barely able to string together a match at this point, let alone carry an entire PPV.
The only question: Can it get worse? It’s WCW, of course it can. That’s what they do best.
By the way, if Hulk Hogan walks out of Nitro the champion tomorrow, don’t say I didn’t warn you.