This show is not to be confused with my own, infinitely superior Netcop Uncensored, which should be already up. I was literally 50/50 on even ordering and recapping the show until Friday afternoon, when a heartfelt, impassioned plea from Sean Shannon arrived in my Inbox, begging me to recap the show so he wouldn’t have to. And since above all I’m not a sadist, I took the burden of watching the crap upon myself. And of course none of the usual group showed up to watch with me, so I’m stuck paying for it myself and enduring the pain alone. Sympathy cards and letters appreciated.
– Live from Miami, Florida. Insert retirement home jokes here.
– Your hosts are Tony, Mark and Mike.
– It should be noted that the arena is embarrassingly empty, looking to be about 3,000 people max.
– Before the show starts, the camera cuts in to show an apropos sign in the crowd: “I’d Rather Be at Wrestlemania”. Amen.
– Hogan and Sid share a bonding moment while a bunch of people walk and talk. Jarrett has a surprise! A mysterious limo is here! SMELL THE BUYRATE!
– Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Prince Iaukea v. Psychosis. Chris Candido makes his way to ringside after the bell rings. And the crowd goes apathetic. Psychosis gets a quick start witha flying headscissors and a plancha, which is completely missed by the camera crew while they focus on Candido at the ringside table. Back in, Iaukea takes over with his boring offense. Match drags on for a few minutes with some pedestrian stuff. Psychosis comes back with a top rope rana for two. Front brainbuster puts the Prince down, and Psychosis goes up for the guillotine legdrop, but a “catfight” erupts between Juvy and Paisley. Psychosis hits the legdrop, but goes after Paisley and stands there like an idiot while Prince sets up for his lame jumping DDT for the pin at 7:21. At least he hit it this time. Ending killed the crowd. *1/2
– Lane & Rave v. Norman Smiley & The Demon. Miss Hancock joins us for commentary, wearing the shortest skirt allowed by law. Does ANYONE understand the point of this angle? Norman is attired as a demon tonight. XS double-teams the Demon to start, but Norman gets Lane alone and Wiggles, to a HUGE pop. Demon comes in and gets caught in the heel corner. Crowd chants for Norman the whole time. ARE YOU LISTENING, WCW? Nothing of note in terms of the match until Demon gets the hot tag and cleans house with a spinning slam on Rave. Lane gets a forward russian legsweep on him for two. Rave gets caught with the Norman Conquest for the submission at 3:40, to another HUGE pop. Match was pretty bad, filled with mistimed spots and just general sloppiness. 1/2* Miss Hancock Wiggles with Norman.
– The Wall v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Slugfest to start, Wall wins that pretty easily. Wall blows up 44 seconds in, a new record even for him. Bigelow slams him and goes up for the headbutt early, and gets two. Greetings from Asbury Park is escaped and Wall hits a high knee for two. He audibly calls a “DDT” spot on camera, which is scary because the camera was the wide one. Wall hits a Cactus clothesline and they brawl on the floor. Man, Wall’s got his working boots on tonight. They fight to the WCW.com table and Bigelow goes through it for a no-contest (?) at 3:38. David Flair and Crowbar attack and get destroyed. Match was okay until that horrible ending. *
– Crowbar and Wall have somehow ended up in the scaffolding behind the Turner-Tron, and Wall chokeslams him through a big cardboard box below. I’m getting really sick of crazy bumps being substituted for actual wrestling, especially when it’s as pointless as this one was. I mean, it looked nice, but that stage below was obviously just there to break his fall. Crowd tells Wall to jump, but to no avail. Tony declares that a career may be over, and that the show has officially come to a stop…then he throws to Mean Gene, with Brian Knobbs. Sigh.
– Hardcore title match: Three Count v. Brian Knobbs. Knobbs tosses some plunder in, and it backfires as all three of the co-champs swarm him. I hit you, you, and you; you, you and you hit me. Shane is able to no-sell Pitty City because he’s wearing a nose protector. No, really. They set up a ladder and take turns splashing Knobbs off the top of it. Knobbs shakes off three finishers, then sprays them with a fire extinguisher, and pins Shane for the first pinfall at 3:05. He powerbombs Evan through a table for the second pin at 4:15. Knobbs picks up Shannon for a slam, but falls back over a table and Shannon gets the pin, but his foot was on the ropes? IN A HARDCORE MATCH?!? Knobbs splashes him with a garbage can for the real pin at 7:00. Ludicrous statement of the century: Mike Tenay notes that the title has respectability again now that Knobbs has it. Har har. Match started okay but turned into Knobbs wandering around aimlessly swinging weapons. 1/2*
– Booker & Kidman v. Harlem Heat 2000. Booker and Kidman dominate to start, destroying all three Heat members, but Kidman gets caught coming off the top rope and plays face-in-peril. Kidman gets held by Cash outside, and Big T does the Free Willy Dive over the railing onto him. That would be impressive if his gut didn’t nearly knock the railing over. Back in, Kidman gets the bulldog and makes the hot tag. Booker Rock Bottoms Big T for two. Another one for Stevie, but he walks into a double spinebuster. Kidman saves. Kidman sunset flips Big T for the (illegal) pin at 6:58. Not as horrible as expected. **
– Fit Finlay v. Vampiro. Stiff work to start with Vampiro doing a lot of kicks. Whee. Finlay comes back with his rolling fireman’s carry and grabs a chair, a tactic that backfires. To the floor, and a-brawling we go. They go up into the crowd and head to the concourse. Into the bathroom (think Kevin Sullivan’s booking?) where Vampiro tries a dive off the stall. They head outside briefly, then back in where Vamp hits the Nail in the Coffin on the concrete for the pin at 8:44. Crap brawl — all walking, no action. And the lighting at the end was so bad it was impossible to tell what was going on. *
– WCW World tag title match: The Mamalukes v. The Harris Brothers. Madden and Disco’s riffing on each other is pretty funny. Sloppy start sees the champs hit some stuff. The double-team hiptoss slam (dubbed the Brooklyn Bomb by Disco) gets two, but Johnny Hugger gets caught in the corner and beat on. Vito gets the hot tag and the usual pier-six erupts. Vito drops a flying elbow for two. Hart Attack clothesline gets two. The Harrisses pancake Johnny for two. H-Bomb gets two. Disco pops a Harris with the tag belt for two. The Harrisses reciprocate and nail everyone with the belt and H-Bomb Vito for the pin and the titles at 8:46 to absolutely no reaction. Real smart booking, WCW. Match was pretty horrendous. 1/2*
– Bullrope match: Duh-stin Rhodes v. Terry Funk. Dustin gets attacked by a guy in a chicken suit, then Terry hits him with a chicken. Uh, yeah. Funk gets a DDT for two. Rhodes takes over as they fight outside. The rope is finally attached about 4 minutes in as the crowd chants “boring”. Dustin DDTs him for two. Release atomic drop gets two. Bulldog on the cowbell gets two. The chicken attacks again, complete with clucking sound effects, and Dustin batters him, too. Good god. Funk gives him a pair of low blows, and Funk decides to change it to an “I Quit” match. Whatever. Funk pounds on him with the cowbell until Dustin quits. The announcers note that Dustin’s submission doesn’t count because it’s pinfall or submission only. If you can follow that logic, more power to you. Dustin hammers away on him wih the cowbell. This is a sick joke. Piledriver finishes for Rhodes at 9:00. What a load of horseshit this was. -*
– Wow! I can get an Outsiders t-shirt with the purchase of this show. Never mind that neither guy has been on TV since the last PPV.
– Lumberjack match: Lex Luger v. Sting. The guys with “broken arms” courtesy of Luger (Fit, Knobbs, Jimmy Hart, Dellinger, Hennig and Vampiro) come out first, then Luger brings out his own guys (Harlem Heat, the Harrises), who also have casts. They punch each other. Tank Abbott comes out and punches out Dellinger, then all the lumberjacks fight back to the dressing room. Flair and Vampiro end up fighting on the floor as Sting dominates Luger, then Flair comes in and gets beat up by Sting as well. Liz nails Sting with the bat, then Jimmy Hart drags her back to the dressing room. Vampiro is still at ringside, and this is horribly overbooked. Luger goes for the rack, but Vampiro nails him with the bat and Sting hits the Deathdrop for the pin at 7:03. Retire, both of you. DUD
– WCW World title match: Sid Vicious v. Jeff Jarrett. Dear god, they’re actually going with Flair v. Hogan as the main event? Brawl outside into the crowd right away, where the Harrisssseesssses jump Vicious and send him back into the ring. Jarrett gets a sleeper but Sid makes the comeback. Jarrett ends up going headfirst into the title belt and Sid gets two. Jarrett comes back with the GUITAR OF DOOM, but Hogan comes in, gets the big boot and legdrop, and puts Sid on top for the pin at 7:40. What a load of shit. -** Big Poppa Pump makes his triumphant return and destroys Hogan to a big pop. Flair joins in, and we segue right into…
– Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair. Usual crap here. Choke, choke, punch, punch. Brawl to the floor, Flair blades. That devious scoundrel Lex Luger comes out and nails Hogan with a chair. Back in, Flair has the KNUCKLE DUSTERS OF DOOM. He covers for two. In a strap match. Whatever. Hogan does his Crazy Old Man comeback, brushes Flair with the big boot, and Luger runs in, so Hogan drops the leg and pins Flair at 13:22, then remembers to touch the fourth corner. Pose, pose, end of show. DUD
The Bottom Line: Oh, man, it was actually pretty okay for the first little bit, but once we hit the so-called “draws” at the end, it went spiralling downhill. Way to make both your World and US champs look like losers, too, guys. Nothing to see here, move on, time to go home.
Thumbs down.
