The SmarK Retro Repost – Mayhem 2000


– Live from Milwaukee, WI

– Your hosts are Tony, Stevie and Mark.

– Earlier tonight, Booker T fights through a throng, a VERITABLE THRONG, of fans, none of whom are plants of course, while Scott Steiner beats up a perfectly innocent security table.

– Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Mike Sanders v. Kwee Wee. Hiptoss and dropkick from Kwee and Sanders bails. The Thrillers join us and lay in some shots. J&O biel Wee back into the ring, right into a Sanders powerslam. Nice. Meng joins us and brawls with the Thrillers as I wonder where it all went wrong with this company. Ric Flair & security forces run down to break things up as Sanders does some chinlocking. Goofy kneedrop gets two. HIT THE CHINLOCK! Kwee Wee sunset flip gets two. Sanders resumes chinlocking. Kwee mounts the comeback as Madden burns Stevie by noting that he’s been in Booker T’s shadow for 10 years. Ouch. Sanders goes to the apron, and ranas Wee to the floor. Paisley hits a handspring elbow (DQ? Hello?) on Sanders, but he comes back with an inverted neckbreaker (the 3.0? I don’t get it.) for the pin at 7:52. Below average stuff, ironically enough. *1/2

– Flair declares “no more interference” tonight. Yeah, right.

– Meanwhile, Evan Karagias cuts the WORST PROMO EVER before the match, in a horrible southern accent that makes Buff Bagwell sound like Ric Flair.

– Meanwhile, Disqo buys Kroni>|, but only for 7 minutes and 30 seconds.

– Three Count v. The Jung Dragons v. Knoble & Karagias. Jung Jang’s sideburns are getting OUTTA CONTROL. Big brawl to start. Dragons dominate Three Count and backdrop them to the floor. Kaz & Karagias exchange chops and Evan powerslam gets two. Evan and Shane go, and Evan does the Norman Smiley dance. Why the hell is Smiley not on TV, anyway? Knoble gets Shane with an armdrag, but gets german suplexed for two. He powerbombs Shannon and Kaz comes in with a MONSTER enzuigiri and backbreaker. Fameasser from Shannon, however, and Shane hits a straitjacket suplex for two. Gut wrench suplex and Shane goes up with a sunset flip, but a Kaz kick stops it. Hot tag to Jang, who uses his MARTIAL ARTS POWER to clean house, but a Shannon drop sleeper gets two. Kaz brainbuster gets two on Evan. Knoble tombstone on Kaz gets two. Shane neckbreaker gets two on Knoble. Shannon tope on Kaz. Evan on him, Kaz on him, Knoble plancha on all of them, Jang with a corkscrew plancha, and Leia Meow finishes with a dive onto everyone. Knoble goes for the ladder, and Shannon baseball slides it into Evan. Jang gets crotched and Shane dives off of him, onto Knoble for two. Dragons try a Doomsday Device but miss. Three Count gives Jang a double-team neckbreaker for the pin at 10:53. Spot-riffic match, but who cares about any of these teams? ***1/2

– Meanwhile, Bigelow punks out Mike Awesome.

– Mancow v. Jimmy Hart. Don’t the words “dark match” mean anything anymore? Jimmy does the old “fake cast” bit, but gets foiled and pinned at 1:36. Well, it was better than their first match. DUD

– Hardcore title match: Crowbar v. Big Vito v. Reno. Standard hardcore stuff, kick and punch and weapons. Head to the back, where some chick stops Reno from finishing Vito, and Crowbar blasts him with a chair for the pin at 7:22. WHO CARES? ½*

– Kidman & Rey Mysterio v. Alex Wright & Kroni>|. Adams tosses Kidman around. Wright comes in and gets two. Clarke then squashes Rey for a while. Again, Wright comes in and gets two. Savate kick gets two. Kronik bails at 6:16 (I mean, HELLO, they were standing right there with a STOPWATCH) and Wright gets squashed and pinned at 7:47. Big mess here. *

– Shane Douglas v. The Cat. Cat’s devastating kicks send Douglas running. Cat goes after Madden and back into the ring. Douglas kicks and punches to control, utilizing his vicious array of restholds. Butterfly suplex gets two. Cat dances to come back with a chop for two. Big kick gets two, and the chicks fight. Shane’s chain gets two. DDT is blocked, and Ms. Jones gives Cat the RED SHOE OF DEATH, giving Cat the pin at 7:59. ½* Time to go back to ECW, Shane, no one cares.

– Meanwhile, it’s A GLACIER PROMO? Do I have to bury this whole thing AGAIN? Wasn’t two years of abuse from me enough for these masochists?

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Sgt. A-Wall. Bam Bam samoan drop gets two. Wall does some choking. Tony notes that the Misfits “aren’t about winning matches”. Well, no shit, Sherlock. Flying lariat gets two for Wall. Bigelow falls back on a suplex for two. Bigelow misses his flying headbutt and Wall escapes Greetings from Asbury Park. A second try (only missing the mat by about a foot and half, a new record for Bigelow) gets the pin at 5:41. ¼* Call me crazy, but with 12 matches and only 2 ½ hours of time, wouldn’t have CANCELLING THE MATCH made more sense? Bigelow apparently has a serious injury, but it’s WCW so it’s probably a work.

– Canadian title match: Lance Storm v. General Rection. And indeed, Bigelow MIRACULOUSLY jumps off the stretcher and attacks Rection. Man, that gimmick is PLAYED at this point. Storm works the knee for a while. Suplex gets two. He hits a superkick, but Rection gets a powerslam and goes upstairs, hitting No Laughing Matter on the second try for the pin and the title at 6:23. That was it? They couldn’t have hacked the last match entirely and given this one another 5 minutes? *1/4

– Jeff Jarrett v. Buff Bagwell. Stalling to start. Slugfest, won by Bagwell. Pump splash gets two. Buff dumps Jarrett. Brawl outside, Jarrett takes over. Into the ring, Jarrett works the neck. Sleeper, but Bagwell comes back with the usual. Blockbuster misses. He gets a tornado DDT for two, however. Ref bump and David Flair runs in and DDTs Jarrett on a chair. I have no idea why he’d do that, but it’s not like I’d care if they explained it, so I’ll just smile and nod and move on. Jarrett reverses the Blockbuster into a bodypress for two. He bails, grabs his trusty guitar, and kabongs Bagwell for the pin at 11:09. For a 5-time World champion, he sure has trouble beating midcarders. Nothing match here. *1/2

– World tag team title: Sean Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kevin Nash & DDP. Fans chant “We want Hall”, thus demonstrating how over their current “stars” are. Palumbo bails to start. He slugs it out with Nash, and loses. Nash does his two or three moves, and just as I’m about to make a Nash joke, Madden admits that Nash only has three moves, but they “all hurt like hell”. I can’t top self-parody like this, folks. His moveset thus exhausted, he cleans house and we get the second run-in in as many matches, as the Natural Born Thrillers make an unsuccessful attempt to rush the ring before Flair and security clear them out. Well, THAT edict sure lasted long, didn’t it? DDP and Stasiak go next, with Stasiak getting ping-ponged by the geezers. DDT gives Stasiak a two count, however. Neckbreaker, and DDP plays trailer-trash-in-peril. Double slingshot suplex gets two for Palumbo. DDP lariat gets two. The Event beats him down in the corner. Flying elbow gets two. Palumbo shoulderblock gets two. The Perfect Event double-team him in the corner, and a Stasiak elbow gets two. False tag Nash. DDP reverses a sleeper for two. Hot tag Nash, side suplexes abound. Big boot for both. Diamond Cutter, powerbomb, and we have new champions at 14:53. So which one is Ken Patera and which is Brad Rheingans? Well, I for one can just hear the money POURING in now that Nash and DDP have gone over WCW’s darlings. And wasn’t Stasiak in the process of turning face for the past month and a half? **

– Goldberg v. Lex “Holly” Luger. Lex is now a “cagey veteran”. He must be so proud. I bet he wishes he had been on speaking terms with Sting when they were both renegotiating their contracts a few years ago. Lex kicks and punches and even pulls out the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM, but it’s to no avail as the overwhelming forces of Judaism crush him on the night with the spear and the jackhammer at 5:53, taking out a referee in the process. I have only myself to blame for posting this exact strategy on the Delphi forums a couple of months ago, just one week before the streak began again. ½*

– WCW World title match: Booker T v. Scott Steiner. This is a “Caged Heat” match, which presumably means that a women’s prison movie will break out in the middle of the match and we’ll get some girl-girl action going with Midajah and one of the Nitro Girls. Brawl to start, as we rapidly run out of TV time. Into the ring, Steiner takes over. Booker sidekick gets two. Steiner crotches him and they fight outside. Back in, Steiner lariat and elbow. Stomping follows. Belly to belly gets two. Into the surfboard. He escapes it, but gets clotheslined. They head upstairs and Steiner gets a samoan drop for two. Bearhuggishness follows, but Booker escapes and gets clotheslined again. Hey, Scott, I know it’s asking a lot, but you wanna maybe give the FREAKIN’ WORLD CHAMPION some offense at some point? Booker comes back again with a forearm and a missile dropkick (kinda sold by Steiner). Booker goes for the straitjacket, but gets suplexed. Steiner gets the jacket, but Booker slams him and sidekicks him. Booker has some trouble getting Steiner into the jacket, and forgets to secure the arms to boot. Wow, that’s REAL effective. He chairs Scott a couple of times, but Steiner RIPS THE JACKET OFF. That’s reinforced cloth, sez Madden. Considering that the thing wasn’t done up in the first place, colour me unimpressed. CHINLOCK OF DOOM, but Booker makes the ropes. Steiner suplex, but Booker gets the Bookend for two. Two clotheslines and a neckbreaker follow, Steiner won’t sell. Axe kick, but Steiner shrugs it off, grabs the chair, and blasts Booker. The dread CHINLOCK OF DOOM finishes at 13:08, and of course Booker “passes out from the pain” of having a guy putting his palms loosely under his chin. Well, Steiner is your World champion, only about 10 years after he was any good. The whole company seems to be building to Goldberg-Steiner, but what are they supposed to do once Goldberg is champion again? The only intrigue left in the company is whether they can manage to have more people in the building than watching at home for a given PPV, because god knows nothing they put as the main event is gonna draw money at this point. Match was pretty good aside from Steiner’s retarded finisher. ***

The Bottom Line: If this PPV even breaks a 0.10 buyrate, I will be SHOCKED. Who could possibly, aside from shmoes like me who buy the shows to recap them for you guys and then claim it as business expenses at tax time, want to shell out $30 to watch these shows anymore? The whole company is on a giant Ferris wheel, with guys getting elevated one show and jobbed out the next, until no one in the entire promotion is worth anything anymore.

If there hadn’t been TWELVE matches, I’d have probably liked the show to a certain degree, but two good matches, one okay match, and NINE crappy ones pretty much killed any enthusiasm for the show by the time Goldberg was squashing Luger in a meaningless mess with a dead crowd. Sometimes less is more. I mean, did anyone really think that Douglas v. The Cat was gonna draw one dime? Or the Filthy Animals-Kronik mess? Isn’t that junk what Nitro’s for?

Thumbs down.