“This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.”
-T.S. Eliot
Main Entry: iro·ny
Pronunciation: ‘I-r&-nE also ‘I(-&)r-nE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -nies
Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirOnia, from eirOn dissembler
Date: 1502
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning — called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play — called also dramatic irony, tragic irony
4 : naming your last ever PPV “Greed†when you’re losing close to 80 million dollars a year and getting the lowest buyrates in the history of wrestling.
– Okay, now we’ve got that burst of literary silliness out of the way
– Live from Jacksonville, FL
– Yours hosts are Tony & Scott
– It should be noted that for the sake of my own sanity, I’m totally ignoring all the retarded backstage skits with the Magnificent Seven (wasn’t that Dustin’s original gimmick?) and the bizarre interview with the tag champs where they stand there staring at something to the right of the camera.
– Opening match: Kwee Wee v. Jason Jett. This would be a Special Bonus Attraction, because nine matches just wasn’t enough. Kwee attacks and they brawl on the floor. Jett superkicks him and comes off the top with a tope. Back in, a 2nd rope legdrop gets two. He hooks an inverted Boston Crab, ala Kanyon, and drops an elbow for two. Kwee Wee gets a forearm and tosses him out by the hair! He misses a suicide dive, however. Jett hits the Matt Hardy handspring DDT against the ring apron and back in we go. Flipping clothesline and standing moonsault gets two. Holy shit, they’d better hurry up and bury this guy – they’ve only got two weeks left in the company and he might get over or something! Blind charge misses and Kwee Wee sends him over and out in a nasty bump. Brawl outside and Jett eats railing. Back in, Kwee Wee gets two. Jett fights back, but walks into a Thesz Press for two. Angry Allan Funk re-emerges from Kwee Wee as he dominates, and thank god because it’s impossible to type “Kwee Wee†and expect the guy to be taken seriously. They go upstairs and Jett tries a top rope powerbomb, reversed in mid-air by Funk into a rana. I love that spot. Funk gets a tilt-a-whirl for two. Piledriver attempt is blocked with a lowblow and Jett handsprings off the ropes with an elbow. Funk escapes the drop suplex and gets a sunset flip for two. Piledriver is reversed by Jett, but Funk hits a northern lights suplex for two. They collide in the corner and Funk ends up outside, so Jason feigns unconsciousness, and tells the crowd to play along. Now, see, THAT’S the sort of thing babyfaces don’t do anymore and should, because it gets the kids into it. If there’s one thing wrestling crowds love, it’s participating in the match. Funk falls for it and goes up, but misses an elbowdrop, and the Crash Landing suplex finishes at 12:15. Great opener, too bad Jett’s gonna be out of work before he can make anything of this push. ***1/2
– Cruiserweight tag title match: Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo v. Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio Jr. Kidman and Romeo start, and Kidman gets a headscissors, but Romeo hits a release powerbomb and the heels double-team for two. Kidman dropkicks Skipper out to the apron, and the Animals hit the guillotine legdrop for two. Skipper clobbers Rey, but Rey gets a headscissors that puts Skipper out. Kidman baseball slides him and everyone fights up the ramp. The heels end up on the floor beside the stage, and the Animals come barrelling off the stage with a pair of dives onto them. I’m frankly shocked Jeff Hardy hasn’t thought of trying that yet. Back in, double-chokeslam on Skipper gets two. Cheapshot puts Kidman on the floor and he becomes YOUR jobless-face-in-peril. Romeo hits a short-arm clothesline on him, and they exchange chops. Romeo lifts Juvy’s Rube Goldbergian bulldog and we HIT THE CHINLOCK. Front suplex gets two for Romeo. Skipper beats on Kidman outside, and back in where Kidman blocks a superplex with a Rydien bomb. Hot tag Rey Rey, and he hits a spinning DDT on Romeo. Skipper misses a charge and goes out, and Rey takes out Romeo, and then dives out on Skipper. I can’t really do the beauty of that spot justice here. Just the way Rey strung everything together into one motion was awesome. Romeo follows with a plancha, and Kidman them all with the shooting star press. Back in, Skipper crotches Rey, but gets powerbombed for two. Skipper uses a choke for two. Kidman gets an inverted suplex on Romeo for two. Skipper hits a tiger suplex on Rey and holds them there while Romeo comes off the 2nd rope with a legdrop for two. Awesome spot. Kidman bulldogs Elix as Rey powerbombs Romeo, and then Kidman goes up and splashes Romeo for two. Broncobuster for Skipper, and Rey cannonballs Romeo off the top after teasing the Nutcracker. Rey gets a quebrada on Romeo, but Romeo simply shifts his weight and catches Rey, then hits the northern lights bomb (Snow Plow) for the pin and the titles at 13:42. I cannot praise this match enough. ****1/4
– Shawn Stasiak v. Bam Bam Bigelow. After the first two matches, this is like a sick joke on me. Stacy is in Miss Hancock mode tonight. I attempted to draft a new rule for watching WCW PPVs during this match (“No talking during Stacy’s promoâ€Â) but of course it’s kind of a moot point now. Stasiak works a headlock, but gets overpowered and bails. Back in, more stalling. They exchange punches and Bigelow gets an avalanche, leading to the Mecca of Merde bailing again. Bigelow follows and meets the stairs up close. Back in, Stasiak gets a flying bodypress and stalls. Various and nefarious heel schemes follow. Bigelow comes back and goes up for the big headbutt for two, but Stacy throws the last remaining bottle of Rick Martel’s Arrogance into the ring so that Stasiak can lay claim to ripping off Martel, Rick Rude AND The Rock, a new record even by WCW standards, and sprays Bigelow for the pin at 5:57. A star is SO not born. DUD
– Lance Storm & Mike Awesome v. Konnan & Hugh Morrus. Did we REALLY even need to see this match? Big brawl and Awesome clobbers Morrus with a lariat. Morrus & Storm exchange chops and Hugh gets a powerslam for two. Awesome hits the big boot and legdrop for two. Team Canada works Morrus over as he plays face-in-peril for a bit. Hot tag Konnan, but he gets nailed in short order and Awesome splashes him for two. Konnan walks into a Storm elbow for two. Storm beats on him outside, and back in for two. Awesome hits a top rope forearm for two. Storm gets a dropkick and legdrop and hits the chinlock. Awesome piledriver gets two. Storm misses whatever off the top and Konnan makes the hot tag. Leg lariat gets two on Awesome for Morrus. A pair of avalanches follow, but Storm superkicks him and an Awesome frog splash gets two. Morrus gets a bad-looking german suplex, but Awesome blocks the moonsault with a running Awesomebomb for the pin at 11:10. Just going through the motions all the way here. *
– Cruiserweight title match: Chavo Guerrero Jr. v. Shane Helms. Helms has actual tights now instead of the MC Hammer parachute pants. Chavo works a headlock in tenacious fashion, and they go into a neato reversal sequence. Criss-cross and Chavo gets a lariat, but Shane escapes a suplex hits his own. Fistdrop gets two. Chavo gets a T-Bone for two and does some boot-raking. Into an STF and he works the knee with a bridging deathlock. Backdrop suplex gets two. Slugfest and Chavo gets a rollup for two, reversed to a powerbomb, reversed to a DDT for two. Chavo wraps him in the corner and dropkicks him. Pumphandle slam gets two. Helms gets dumped, but blocks a quebrada. Chavo keeps coming with a tope, however. Back in for two. Shane comes back with a facebreaker and neckbreaker, and it’s a double KO. Helms superkicks Chavo to the floor and back in for two. Another superkick misses and Chavo gets a Curtain Call for two. Tornado DDT is blocked, and the pumphandle is reversed to Nightmare on Helm Street for two. Blind charge misses and Chavo hits the floor. Helms hits a frog splash to the floor, and back in for a crossbody that gets two. Back upstairs but he gets crotched for two. To the top, Shane blocks a superplex, so Chavo tries a Vertebreaker, which is of course reversed by Shane to his own Vertebreaker, and that’s enough for the pin and the title at 13:55. I dunno, the match was good in a technical sense, but not as good as at Sin and it just felt like an exhibition of spots rather than a coherant match. Certainly nowhere near the tag match earlier in the night. ***
– WCW World tag titles: Sean O’Haire & Chuck Palumbo v. Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell. Brawl to start, superkick from Palumbo for both heels, followed by the Seanton for both for the double pin at 0:52. And that, as they say, is that. DUD Good, if Luger wants to act like a f*cking baby everytime he jobs, then make him go out and lay down in under a minute for a rookie. Maybe if they had taken this route three years ago with certain other people they wouldn’t be where they are now. I wholeheartedly applaud WCW for having the guts to stand up to Luger and I hope both he and Bagwell sit at home for a long time and realize just how little they mean to wrestling now.
– Kanyon v. The Cat. Brawl outside, and back in for some stalling. Cat gets an electric chair drop and a seated dropkick. Powerbomb and he dumps Kanyon, and they brawl some more. Kanyon takes over and gets a flying lariat for two. Suplex and elbowdrop get two. Top rope fameasser gets two. Sleeper reversal spot and Cat suplexes out. Kanyon neckbreaker gets two. Kanyon goes up and gets crotched. Superplex gets two. Cat dances to come back and hits the Big Kick for two. Kanyon uses the ropes for the pin, but the ref waves it off. He reverses a piledriver into a Boston Crab, and Cat escapes. The Feliner gets two. Kanyon reverses a suplex for two, ref gets bumped. Miss Jones gets involved, Kanyon takes a kick, and the Feliner finishes at 11:15. Kanyon was so obviously sleepwalking through this that he might as well have worn pajamas to the ring. *1/2
– US title match: Rick Steiner v. Booker T. Steiner attacks and dumps Booker into the front row, and they brawl. Back in, Steinerline gets two. Tiger Driver gets two. We HIT THE CHINLOCK, a common occurance for Rick these days. Booker fights back, but gets clobbered because god forbid Rick Steiner should sell for someone. Rick goes back to the resting after cutting off Booker’s offense. What a jerk. If anyone deserves to be unemployed because of the end of the Turner gravy-train, it’s Steiner. Booker gets a suplex, but Steiner no-sells and hits a belly-to-belly for two. Booker’s sunset flip gets two, but Steiner casually clotheslines him for two and it’s Rest-lemania X7. Booker comes back with the axe kick and a flapjack, and the ref is bumped. Steiner won’t sell. Shane Douglas appears at ringside, decks Steiner with the cast (which he won’t sell, either) and the Bookend finishes at 7:36. Yawn. ½*
– Dusty & Dustin Rhodes v. Ric Flair & Jeff Jarrett. Flair has his oh-so-trendy Hawaiian shirt on tonight. Jarrett attacks Dustin to start, and Dustin dominates. He posts Jarrett, but misses whatever off the top. Flair comes in and punches away. Dusty comes in and the crowd erupts. That is sad on so many levels. Dusty throws some chops, and unloads with the elbow and Flip Flop & Fly. Dustin back in, and he takes on both heels. Flair goes to low to end that. Heels beat on Dustin, and work the knee. Dustin backslides Flair for two. Jarrett gets a figure-four for a two-count. Dustin reverses, and shoves Jarrett into the corner on another try. Hot tag Dusty, ELBOWS FOR EVERYONE. I’m surprised they didn’t hire Tully Blanchard and Ole Anderson on a one-night deal to run in and take them, too. Sadly, the crowd isn’t quite sophisticated enough to know to make a “Hoo!†sound whenever Dusty hits someone. I guess it’s an NWA thing or something. Flair takes the Big Fat Elbowdrop for two. Dustin lariats both, but the heels go low and try stereo figure-fours. That of course backfires, as they get shoved into each other, and Dustin gets the Worst Rollup Ever on Flair for the pin at 9:55. Entertaining crap. **1/2 Dusty does a Stinkface on Jarrett, but only half-heartedly.
– WCW World title: Scott Steiner v. Diamond Dallas Page. Slugfest and DDP gets a neckbreaker for two. He goes up with a lariat for two. To the floor, where Steiner gets the upper hand. Back in, DDP necksnaps him, but Steiner no-sells. Into the crowd, where they happen to encounter a kid, on crutches, with a DDP t-shirt. Where’s the old lady in the front row so Steiner can rip up her autograph book? The crutches get used, of course. A table gets set up, and DDP puts Steiner through it. Back to ringside, Page gets two with some plunder. Into the ring, DDP gets crotched, clotheslined, and elbowdropped for two. T-Bone suplex gets two. Into the bearhug, and from there a suplex gets two. Page comes back, but walks into a suplex for two. DDP gets a fluke DDT and lariat, and he slugs away. Steiner uses the ropes for two. DDP gets another DDT, but Steiner goes low and DDTs him in turn. Diamond Cutter, but Rick Steiner punks out the ref. DDP whips Scott into Rick for two. Steiner uses the belt for two and DDP busts out a manly bladejob. Unfortunately the good will is ruined because Steiner goes for a Boston Crab and DDP tries to rip off the Austin WM13 visual. He even does the bit where he slowly raises his head and yells while dripping blood. The statute of limitation on angle theft is seven years, Page. He makes the ropes, but Scott simply puts him in the Recliner. He makes the ropes again, so Scott beats the shit out of him with his foam pipe, hooks the Recliner again, and that’s enough for DDP at 14:13. If they had a monster babyface to play Scott against, this run would be great, but they don’t, so it’s not. DDP got his usual solid match in, however. ***1/2
The Bottom Line: Well, this is likely my final WCW PPV rant, and honestly after twenty-some years of following this promotion, I can’t say I’m particularly sad to see it put out of it’s misery. Hopefully the few talented and hard-working people in the promotion will find sanctuary in the WWF, and as for everyone else well, no one forced you to sign the cushy deal with the creative control, did they? Enjoy early retirement, guys. You’re getting EXACTLY what you deserve.
Thumbs up for the last ever WCW PPV, but it’s pretty silly to worry about that sort of thing at this point. Just another $30 a month I can spend on something else now.
Last one out of WCW, turn out the lights.
