First of all, a big old shout out to my little brother and sometimes guest columnist, Ross. He’s going to head down to Rutgers today to start out on what will most probably be a somewhat successful college experience. If any of you readers go to Rutgers and are looking for someone to talk wrestling with, look Ross Grutman up. He’s huge and blond and has been taught to kill.
Moving on, we have an action packed report this week! Well, maybe not action packed, but certainly controversial. If not controversial, then the same old crap in the same old package. I’m sure that there’ll be a Lance Storm got fired joke somewhere in there.
You know what? Why do I even have to hype up the report? You’re already reading it. Let’s start off with some Smackdown spoilers.
SMACKDOWN WILL NOT BE LIVE THIS WEEK. MAJOR SPOILERS HERE, WELL, AS MAJOR AS WRESTLING SPOILERS CAN GET.
Stephanie starts the show off with a bang, shooting Tazz. She then announces that there will be a single elimination tournament to decide a new #1 contender for the WWE title as Tazz lays dying on the cold cement.
As medical personal attend to Tazz, Edge fights Eddie Guerrororo in the first match of the tournament. In what looks to be a great match, Eddie rips off Bret Hart’s defense against the spear and pulls out what can only be viewed as an upset, and can only be viewed on U! P! N! UPN.
D-Von fights Jon Cena with disastrous consequences for the universe if Jon Cena should lose. He does, and the universe implodes on itself.
Rico fights Rey in what will definitely be the most disgusting and vile wrestling match in the history of professional wrestling, as the match ends with a 69 in the middle of the ring. I dislike the PTC as much as the next wrestling fan, but when two grown men give each other head in the middle of the ring as part of a wrestling match while an announcer lies dying at ringside, I’m even disgusted with the state of our sports entertainment. Rey and Rico should be ashamed of themselves. They have disgraced their families, they have disgraced their names, and they have disgraced wrestling. I don’t know how I’ll be able to tell people I’m a fan of this crap, much less an internet commentator. SHAME, Rico and Rey. Shame.
OH! 6 1 9! Oh. Whoops. Nevermind.
Hardcore Holly and Matt Hardy yell at Stephanie while she yells at Dawn Marie about a contract of some kind. Dawn Marie just wishes that everyone would stop yelling at her. She asks Stephanie if she could go somewhere safe, somewhere familiar, somewhere near Lance Storm. Stephanie says yes and fires the both of them. Lance Storm then writes a six page long commentary about how lousy his flight back to Calgary was. “I asked for peanuts, and a 500 pound weight fell on my head! I HATE THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY! From now on, I’m just going to jog from town to town. Well, I would if I still had a reason to travel.â€Â
In the second match of the tournament, Eddie fights Rikishi. Rikishi wins. This is a huge upset from my point of view. My point of view is from the tennis court, where I’m currently up a set against my good friend. WORST. JOKE. EVER.
Tajiri fights Shannon Moore, whose name sounds like and who looks like a girl. You girls probably think he’s hot.
Benoit beats Rikishi to move on in the single elimination tournament. After the match, Benoit holds up an imaginary title belt and declares himself the champion, which is the closest he’s ever going to get anyway.
Matt Hardy fights Brock Lesnar. Take a wild f*cking guess who wins this one.
Kurt Angle fights Chris Benoit and the Undertaker in a triple threat match. I know. It’s like, “Kurt Angle in the main event? AWESOME! Kurt Angle versus Chris Benoit in the main event? YES! Kurt Angle versus Chris Benoit versus the Undertaker in a triple threat match to determine the new #1 contender for the WWE title? OHMIGOD! I can’t wait for this Thursday to see this mix of great wrestling and veteran power what do you mean it’s preempted in the major markets? Why? But Smackdown isn’t on MTV! I don’t care about the freaking VMA’s! So what if the same company owns them, this sucks! So, when can I see it? WHAT? I’m not wasting my Saturday night on wrestling! This sucks! Life isn’t worth living! Goodbye, cruel world! I’m outta here!â€Â
Smackdown preview! ARGGGGGGGGGGGH!
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Steve Austin has filed for divorce from his wife, Debra. Steve is upset but hopes that Debra is able to get on with her life and meets a very nice waiter who leaves his glasses at her house.
Bret Hart is recovering well from his bike accident, and should be up and having sex with Sunny in no time.
Brock Lesnar flew down to Florida before Summerslam to prepare for his match with the Rock. Curt Hennig was on the same flight. There were no survivors.
X-Pac and Scott Hall may be headed for NWA: TNA. They’ll get on the mike and send shout outs to Shawn and Kevin and Hunter, but this will just come off as desperate.
Goldberg has scheduled a meeting with Vince McMahon. It will be a lunch at WWE New York. Vince will immediately offend Goldberg by ordering the HBK, which stands for Ham, Bacon, non-Kosher.
The WWE Shop Zone has ended its affiliate program. I repeat, the WWE Shop Zone has ended its affiliate program. Make your way down to your bunkers in your basements. Make sure you have plenty of canned meat and bottled water. Again, the WWE Shop Zone has ended its affiliate program. God have mercy on us all.
There are between 20 to 25 thousand people buying the NWA:TNA PPV each week. Meanwhile, Widro writes a weekly column about it in hopes that this website, which has a bigger fan base, will get mentioned on television. They should be talking about Widro in hopes he’ll continue to write the column, not the other way around. Oh well. Maybe I’m just a big jerk. I tell you guys what. If my cable provider carries it, I’ll watch it and give props to the ladder match. If not, well, screw the NWA. This’ll be the only time I pay 10 bucks to see Jeff Jarrett fight an old guy and a man fight a woman for the title of ‘Miss’ anything.
Raw did a 3.9 rating. That might not seem too impressive, but backwards it did a 9.3 gnitar.
Vince and Linda will not pay themselves bonuses this year. When business is down everyone has to make sacrifices. One of the wrestlers is following suit, sacrificing food, a house, money and the risk of losing his family due to alcoholism. I’m sorry, those aren’t sacrifices. Lance Storm was fired.
The Steve Austin/Debra complaint is now online at the smoking gun. Wow! What a bombshell! Smoke, you gun you!
Osama Bin Laden is apparently alive and well in Afghanistan. Well, as well as anyone could be in Afghanistan. Osama is still recovering from being blown up by Eric Cartman.
Eric Bischoff gave an interview to WWE.com. It turns out he’s involved in some kind of martial arts reality television show, he’s very happy to be on television again, and you can sleep with his wife if he can sleep with yours. Or watch.
Oh well. Cablevision doesn’t carry TNA. Screw it. Actually, I’m kind of glad I won’t be paying money for it, although I did want to see the ladder match. Tell ya what, if you live on Long Island in Nassau County or New York City and you taped it, send me an e-mail. I’d be appreciative. I’ll watch Hysterical Blindness instead, cause Jersey girls are sluts.
Junk news, MUMMMMMMRA!
SCOTT KEITH NEEDS A HHHUG.
– Now then. Yes, it was a great match, but there’s mitigating circumstances. First, the greatness of the match was based on two primary things: Shawn Michaels knowing the EXACT moments to make his babyface comebacks, and Shawn Michaels bumping like a man on enough painkillers to tranquilize Anna Nicole Smith with the knowledge that he is never going to wrestle again. The match stood out in stark contrast to the mat-based wrestling surrounding it, and thus seemed different and edgy, even though it wasn’t really. The booking was extremely protective of both guys, and the question you have to ask yourself is this: Who does it help? Does it help Shawn Michaels, retired for four years and back into retirement again now? Does it help HHH, already a big star and no longer needing the rub given by Michaels? Does it help any of the guys below them who had to watch HHH sleepwalk through matches with people he should have been elevating and then lecture them about needing to work harder? Notice how HHH gets motivated – wrestling a Clique buddy who he is only all too willing to show ass and sell his ass off for. Does it help the people above them who have been trying for 4 years to get out from Shawn’s shadow, only to have him try to steal the show again? What it comes down to is that sometimes a great match shouldn’t necessarily BE a great match, when a good one would have done just as well to show that Shawn could still have ANY match, period. I’m not saying that everyone should start deliberately dogging it so as not to show up the main-eventers, but did we really need Shawn splashing HHH through a table and diving off a ladder? The story of the match – Shawn gets his back beaten to a pulp but comes back because he has heart and guts – was enough of a story without all the ga-ga on top of it. Sometimes less is more. And think about this – what if Shawn had done his comeback match against Brock Lesnar and sacrificed his bad back to the bearhug in the name of getting Brock over as a career-killer? That would be a worthwhile goal. This, as it is, was good, but at best served only as an egof*ck for HHH & Shawn in terms of usefulness to the promotion. If HHH was really serious about doing what’s right for business, he’d go out on RAW tonight and make someone a star, no excuses, no self-serving bullshit non-finishes, no inspirational speeches before and after. But who needs action when you’ve got words?
– Scott Keith, in regards to the Shawn/HHH match at Summerslam.
Just for shits and giggles I made up a fake AIM name, smarkmania. I’m still looking for Scott Keith online, but I doubt he’s coming. Instead, I found his fellow smark and a hell of a guy, the Scotsman. I hold nothing against the guy, and I’m sorry I deceived him, but I’m just proving a point here.
smarkmania: Hey. I’m a big fan. I was wondering who your other favorite writers on the Internet are?
smarkmania: If you have any time.
ScotsmanWU: Hmmm…Keith, Hyatte and Alvarez are the only ones I read on a regular basis. Them and anything ont the Torch site.
smarkmania: Who does Alvarez write for?
ScotsmanWU: Observer…and he runs the Figure Four newsletter
smarkmania: Thanks.
Let’s say that he was recommending writers for me to read on the net. They, as it is, were good, but at best served as an egof*ck for Scotsman, Keith, Hyatte and Alvarez in terms of usefulness to the Internet Wrestling Scene. If Scotsman was really serious about doing what’s right for business, he’d IM me back tonight and give some unknown writer a recommendation, no excuses, no self-serving bullshit, no inspirational speeches before and after. But who needs action when you’ve got words?
Okay, so the last part doesn’t really work, and I don’t believe Scotsman did anything wrong there. I also know that Scotsman is a highly respected writer on the IWC, and a virtual unknown would benefit from a mention by him. Still, in order to do that he’d have to find a virtual unknown and read enough of his work to deem him worthy of getting such a positive plug. Even then, Scotsman would probably still believe that the unknown wasn’t as good as Scott Keith. Sometimes it’s much easier and justifiably right in your mind to help a friend rather then someone who needs help. Maybe I’m sending out the wrong message, I dunno.
PLUGS
I’m looking for something by the Scotsman, but I can’t find anything. If Widro does, here it is. Does he still write for the Smarks? How out of the loop am I?
Because I was once in the Smarks loop.
My favorite video reviewer, Claire Flynn Boyle, reviews The Wrestler. A very good video reviewer, Sydney Brown, reviews what happened at MSG some years back. There were no survivors.
David Murphy loves HBK. LOVES TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM! HAHAHAHAHA!
Raywat Deonandan has one of the coolest names in the history of cool names. But shut up about Jaime Noble. The man is making the redneck thing work for the first time ever.
Josh Nason DEMANDS that Ric Flair retire, or there will death.
I’ve run out of ideas for A Wrestling Tale. We’ve seen one And Another Thing in like the past 6 months. Art Blunt and his wrestling rap are gone. Blake Norton has left the internet, I think. The Mean seems to have disappeared. Where are all the creative columns this site used to be famous for? They weren’t all the greatest things in the world, but they were creative and different, damn it! Even our generic top 10 list guy isn’t writing so much anymore. We have good writers, but they’re all discussing the same damn thing the same damn way. We used to put out some mind blowing shit here, and I’m going to challenge some of the new guys to try to top us.
I want to see a unique column from you, Murphy. It’s nice to see someone who is positive on the Internet, but it’s getting to the point of the typical “I like this person in spite of the fact that I hate him for the same reason everyone on the internet hates him†column. You’re becoming SK with a smile.
Vanderhost, read your first column. Then read your latest. I bitch slapped you into getting your ass into gear once. Now I’m going to do it again so that you don’t become mired in mediocrity like I have. And by the way, the name of your column is not TSO. You can refer to it as that, but the name of your column should be at the top of the page. Assholes or incredibly cool people who can get away with that crap use initials.
Schwenke, go back to the movie parody. It was at times brilliant.
Raywat Deonandan is the best writer on this site at the moment. Read him, and then send him feedback telling him that he’s doing great work. When you don’t respond to great writing, you make people think their writing isn’t good. No Gimmick Required should win the best column award this year, and it sucks that you guys don’t give a crap.
We still have the old reliables (Daniels, Letawsky, Nason, Gamble), but we need better stuff from the new people. There. I got all the Triple H out of me. Time to do some more of the same old crap.
PART I OF THE TOP TEN WRESTLERS IN THE YEAR 3007! HAHAHA! See, it’s kind of a mockery of what Widro and Ashish are doing now with the top ten wrestlers in the year 2007… Just read it. God!
10. KABILLION H- Lacking a personality and only knowing how to perform 4 moves, this ancestor of the man remembered for being responsible for the birth of the 90 minute interview in the year 2006 barely makes it into our top ten. While he will be in mid-card at the beginning of the year, his relationship with Carly McMahon the 6th will propel him to the main event.
9. HOLY MACKEROL- Half Priest, Half Fish, ALL WRESTLER! The very far into the future Intergalactic Champion will give sermons from his giant glass bowl and kick ass in the ring! His brief feud with Bottle Nose Boy will show that this is one fish who is not “Dolphin Friendly.â€Â
8. BRET AUSTIN- I know what you’re thinking, and I might have to explain a bit here. Sure, Bret Austin is going to be the WWE’s biggest draw in the years 3005 and 3006, but 3007 is going to be a rough year for Bret. The creative team is going to run out of ideas for Bret, and he’ll find himself muddled in the midcard. Then his brother is going to die when he is accidentally ingested by the Human Vacuum, or the Vac. Bret will then walk out on the WWE, only to return after ‘personal’ troubles at home. Then Jamaal McMahon will tell Bret that he is not going to be able to pay him, and Bret should find work with another company. His last match will take place on his home moon in the Canuckity Solar System, and he will be screwed when Jamaal releases Bret into space by turning off his anti-gravity boots. Bret will spend the next few years complaining about the Canuckity incident to anyone who he floats by until he crashes into the purple sun of Coconeweninin. There, he will settle down and raise a pretty big family of six BILLION!
7. THE UNDERTAKER- We all know the back story on how he managed to cheat death for the previous thousand years, so I won’t go into it. Still a locker room leader, the Undertaker will spend most of the year being the transitional feud for the new WWE champion. When not playing that role, he will be destroying the careers of up and comers and feasting upon the death cheating item that we used to see every day, which of course, we all know what it is. The giant blisters that develop on his eyes as a result of his longevity will be a small price to pay for seeing the Dead Man still alive.
6. GORGAK, HE OF THE FOUR BRAINED- Gorgak will be the rookie sensation in the year 3007. After his race invaded Earth in the terrible war of 2963, Earthlings and the Four Brainedlings will finally start to become comfortable with each other. Though Gorgak will be reviled as a villain by the mostly white, male Earthling crowd, it won’t be for the reason you think. I’ve obtained part of a promo he cut.
“I am Gorgak, He of the Four Brained! Now, how many brains do you humans have? You don’t have to say it! I can read your stupid thoughts, everyone of you! Most of you didn’t even know the answer to my query! ONE BRAIN! You One Brainers could not even begin to comprehend the Four Brained way of thinking. I’m not only the smartest creature in this arena, I’m the smartest creature in the WWE. Who among you can stop me? To stop me, Gorgak, He of the Four Brained, you’d have to out think me. NO ONE IS SMARTER THEN GORGAK! NO ONE!â€Â
At this point, the Undertaker will come out and choke slam Gorgak. Depending on what gimmick he’s doing, the Undertaker will then either drape himself in an American flag or pop one of his huge eye blisters. It all depends.
Okay! The top 5 will be in next week, although because I used most of my ideas for the bottom 5, I’m going to need some kind of contest to fill it in. Do you think that you know who the #1 Wrestler will be in the year 3007? Send in your choice, and you might appear in my column as one of the top 5! Also, the person who provides the #1 wrestler of the year 3007 will get, um, let’s see what crap I don’t need anymore THE BEST OF RAW, VOLUME 3, ON VIDEO! WOW!
Enjoy Flea and Hyatte and Eric, who hates planes as much as Lance Storm.
