The Saturday Matinee News Report 08.31.02

Loaded like a freight train

– AXL

Happy Labor Day weekend guy and gals. I’m Flea and welcome to another edition of Saturday News. I’m sure all of you have big plans for the last official weekend of summer but I do appreciate that you have taken the time to come see me. Personally, as soon as I get done with this report, it’s off to the beach and some fun in the sun while it last. Rain is on the horizon but I can’t let that get me down. Besides, a party is a party is a party, I just want to catch a wave and a buzz and be sitting on top of the world.

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

According to everything I have read, Smackdown was once again a better show than RAW. I can’t confirm that myself because Smackdown was PREEMPTED by a preseason football game here in Florida and will not play until Sunday night at 9pm. Preemption’s also took place in New York and that hellhole of a city Baltimore, leading to a lower than usual 3.1 rating. No big deal. But saying that Smackdown was better than RAW is a big deal because this is becoming a trend instead of an aberration. I liked RAW but did think it was sorely lacking in some places, especially after a kick ass SummerSlam. RAW did feature a very good match betwixt RVD and Dreamer, who seemed more emotional than usual (if that’s possible) finally getting his moment to shine in front of a big crowd at MSG, NYC. Good for him. Of course the New York, as usual, crowd is more interested in making themselves look cool than honestly cheering the wrestlers, but that’s something I have learned to deal with. Give me a Carolina crowd any day of the week. With Flair. Speaking of whom where the hell was he? Main event featured UT vs. HHH, which was pretty good, but ultimately served no purpose. And as an added feature to the news today and to balance out all the HHH bashing, here is another edition of

HHH is GOD and here is why!

Well, to all the people who said that Triple H didn’t have a good match left in him, I can only say, watch his SummerSlam match again. Now, before you guys crawl up my backside, let me first give my kudos to Shawn Michaels for his great work in the match. Shawn went above and beyond all of our expectations and was his classic self.

The end result, and my comment for this report, is that Trip beat the naysayers and the people who truly believed that he was finished by pulling off a great match that had all of us jumping in our seats. As Dr. Evil, who I believe is my father, said, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

That is courtesy of HHH’s numero uno fan, TheRatDiva. Go say hello to her!

Moving along to Smackdown, as mentioned above, reports are saying that Smackdown was great, with some folks drawing the line at the Undertaker’s appearance and subsequent win. All the know it alls (the usual suspects) point to this as another failure on the part of the WWE, not giving fans what they want, etc. I was going to counter this with points that I think prove that the Fed has a specific plan in mind and are booking the show (and Brock’s push) very well. Paul E ain’t a dummy when it comes to getting people over, you know. However, by the time I got around to writing this report, someone beat me to the punch and summed up my thoughts perfectly, hitting the nail squarely on the head, in my opinion

This kinda sets the pattern of Heyman`s booking of the last week- as Heyman was king-sized at getting a whole roster over through creative booking when at the helm of ECW and seems to be taking a shot at it here. Here, Eddy comes off of Edge`s stong win over Eddy at the PPV with a strong win over Edge. Rikishi gets a strong win over a weakened Eddy who puts him over clean as a sheet after the PERFECT Rikishi Superkick and then Benoit gets a possibly overly strong win on a weakened Rikishi. Undertaker gets a strong win over a weakened Benoit. Heyman understands the gradations and power of every win and loss. Kevin Sullivan could never figure that out. This all leads up to the formula of feeding guys to Lesnar by having them heat it up by wrestling Benoit, Angle and Eddy.

DEAN~!, in his SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT

Right on target. UT WILL put Lesnar over at the next PPV 1,2,3 clean in the middle of the ring, because Lesnar is their current golden child and UT is a professional. The only thing I can’t figure out is how the Death Valley Driver gang is going to justify possibly having THREE North American wrestlers in their top 10 (possibly 4 if Rey makes the cut). What the hell fun is that list without someone yelling about “who the f*ck Blue Panther is and why is he better than Jericho?”

HEADLINES

Back to court we go again this week as two items stick out like a sore thumb. One of which is Austin’s divorce, which ain’t none of my business and second on the list is the ECW Bankruptcy hearings, which has an item or two of note

Vince and the Gang are trying to get their hands on the ECW Tape Library, which is worth it’s weight in gold, seeing as the “myth” of ECW is still alive and kicking, witnesses by “EC – dub” hey wait a second. How the f*ck does E.C Ostermeyer always manage to sneak into my life subconsciously? Nevermind that right now, I’m talking about Vince is thisclose to having full control of all that is and has been “mainstream” wrestling over the past 20 years. Combined with his existing WWF(E) footage and the recent acquisition of WCW’s archives, adding ECW to the library would be the final piece of the puzzle. I wonder if the courts know this? From what I have read, Vince and his lawyers are playing this low key and saying “it’s our because ECW still owed us a ton of dough when they went belly up” instead of “hey motherf*ckers, here’s 3 million dollars, give us the tapes and we are outta here!”. Which they could very well do in the end, it’s tough to say. No big rush, I guess. But this goes along the lines of something I have said several times before – The WWE is NOT going to go bankrupt or out of business and the recent financial struggles are just a bump in the road. Hell, no one is really making any money nowadays, it’s more of a “hold your own until the economy takes of again”. Vince has a goldmine in tape archives and anyone who doesn’t realizes that he knows he could close shop and do nothing but release videos and DVDs full time and STILL bring in at least 8 figures a year is a fool. Not hoping that it happens or anything but I do like the idear that one day soon, WWE.com will be my one stop Shopzone for all commercial tapes. Any chance of Vince obtaining some old Florida stuff from back in the early 80’s? I loved that stuff. If anyone you out there have some old tapes of Florida that you would like to “trade”, drop me a line. Trading means your tapes for my money, unless you want to hook me up for free. You know where to find me.

In a story that creeps me out in a way, according to news reports The former “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase is luring Sting back to the wrestling world under the guise of religion and the idea that “having a wrestling show will get people there and then we can preach to them”. Which is have no problem with, to each his own. What creeps me out the most is the fact that Sting would go along with such a thing, seeing as he hates wrestling and all. You think he doesn’t? The only time I have seen him enjoy himself in years was the final Nitro match with Flair. His “finding God” was a convenient excuse to rid himself of the wrestling profession for good and WHAM! here he is wrestling in God’s name. I’m not sure why that bothers me let me get back to you on that.

And speaking of something else that has been bothering me, let’s see what that Boomer Sooner is up to

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report, JR gets back to being his old self. I have blown this section of the news off for the last couple of weeks but Good throws down the gauntlet right up front

Good Ol: Random thoughts and “cryptic messages” for those who enjoy reading between the lines and putting their own “expert” spin on things …

Why hello to you to! Talk about making me an offer that I can’t refuse!

HBK, HHH, Benoit and Van Dam get props. JR puts himself as his commentary over, then turns around and says how much RAW sucked and how great Smackdown was. You know what? One of my least favorite things about RAW at the moment is the commentary. JR mentions Smackdown’s “unique concept” but I haven’t seen Smackdown yet so I don’t know what he means. I’ll go out on a limb here and say the “unique concept” is having to announcers (Tazz and Michael Cole) who seem to be putting an effort and taking pride in their work as opposed to two lazy ass established announcers who seem to be resting on their laurels. I can’t confirm that until I watch the show, just taking a shot in the dark , that’s all.

Fit Finlay and wife had a baby (congrats!), Tommy Dreamer is getting married (sucker!) and yes, Virginia, that really was the real Kane under that mask (duh!). Jeez, JR is throwing random thoughts out there like a bad version of a Larry King column(!). Hmmm JR pontificates what it will take for D’Lo and Raven to “break through” and I think I’ll just keep my mouth shut on that one.

Good Ol JR: No one in our company can deny the hard work consistently coming from underrated talents like Steven Richards and Justin Credible.

I love lines like that. JR should just go ahead and take a dump in their gym bags while he’s patronizingly stroking them off.

Mark Henry, on the other hand, is still too fat, according to an announcer who can no longer hide his big belly behind a desk. But he does have “charisma” sayeth Good Ol. Back in my day “charisma” means people give a shit about you. Is that still accurate?

Speaking of not giving a shit., The Ross Report is only 2 f*cking pages long this week. But you can probably attribute that to the time honored tradition of do as I say and not as I do. No promises from me if JR will be back in this column next week unless I see some effort. He does have tremendous upside potential but it appears that something is just not clicking and he can’t seem to reach that “next level”. Maybe a diet wouldn’t hurt.

Did I read in between enough lines? Spin things just right? I think Tom Zenk might appear round these parts next week. I mean, if your gonna fill column space with drivel, why not get it from the horse’s ass?

ROLL THE DICE

Here’s some various bits of news for youse

Proving once again that Tough Enough is a ridiculous premise and ultimately will do no one any good, that guy Jake, according to rumors , is a prick. Da Meltz mentions that he has developed a prima donna attitude on the Indy Circuit, which is not all that bright. Getting in the ring and acting superior to a guy that is making $25 bucks a night is just asking for trouble, i.e. it’s a good way to get your f*cking leg broke or an eye put out. Which is why I never liked the Tough Enough to begin with. All it’s doing is making these kids think their hot shit because they got yelled at by Bob Holly and coddled by Al Snow. Besides the fact that horribly exposes the business (not that anyone thinks it’s real, but there still needs to be a suspension of disbelief) it’s forcing a bunch of not ready for prime time wrestlers upon us and making life miserable for Indy promoters trying to draw on what little modicum of fame the people have garnered from MTV and the Fed. Someone is going to get seriously hurt one of these days, which is the kind of attention the Fed doesn’t need, if you catch my drift.

IN OTHER WORDS

Rivett has a column up dealing SPECIFICALLY with E.C. Ostermeyer. Shit, it happened again. Sorry, the column actually takes a look at ECW. Go check it out.

Did you know 411 now has it’s own music section? You have to scroll down the page or just look up in the top left corner for the fancy little thing that says “Music”. IT JUMPS OUT AT YOU TOO! Because BOSS is smart! And knows webmastering! Or maybe Hashish did that, I don’t know. What I do know is that I might do a column over there, if BOSS allows me the honor. I think it’s going to be called “Classics on Vinyl with Flea”. I’ve got a few thousand old records so the material is there. Stay tuned! But meanwhile, go check it out – some good stuff over there!

Just when you thought it was safe, that pot smoking burnout Art Martinez returns to get funky like a monkey with some stylin and profilin rhymin for your enjoyment. It’s been a while so to honor Mr. Blunt I’ll do my best to get my own groove on

I’m a cowboy

And I ride a horse

I know Ben Kenobi

And I use the Force

You know, that’s why we keep Art around, he’s the best at doing Lyrical Stunts. I however, can roll a better joint.

PAGE SIX

Thanks for hanging in there with me! Hope all of you have a nice drunken holiday weekend and pig out on some BBQ where it’s warm and pleasant. That’s what I’ll be doing. Right now I want to delve of topic a little and tell you about an event if my life I cherish and look forward to every year. So without further ado let’s take a look at:

FLEA’S NIGHT WITH MTV

A long-standing tradition in my life for nearly 20 years now is the MTV Music Video Awards. I’ve been there since the beginning, watched as Madonna made her debut seductively rolling around Like A Virgin (with CLASS mind you) and eventually refined her act to become the Matriarch of all that is pop. Michael Jackson, back in those days, was a good three or four years away from becoming a total freak and made videos that were a good 15 years ahead of their time (and still hold up today for that matter). During my period of faithful MTV VMA Awards watching, a disturbingly homoerotic Flock of Seagulls gave way to a marijuana flaunting retro seventies flavored murder of Blacks Crows, and a raunchy comedian by the name of Andrew Dice Clay made history by being “banned” from MTV, a channel that now flaunts obscenity as if they are above reproach from the powers that censor. Those were the days my friend.

I quit watching MTV on a regular basis around 1996, when the overabundance of “entertainment shows” overtook the theme on which MTV was based: i.e. it ain’t called Music Tele Vision for nothing. Sure, you could still find the music videos, but when played, the rotation leaned heavily on the “current” music scene, often times leaving bands formerly featured on “Headbangers Ball” and Yo, MTV Raps” in the dust. The genre of videos turned to Rap, then Rap Metal and then full circle back to candy cane flavored boy band pop and videos of sexy young girls, pre-programmed to lip snyc, in tight pants and belly shirts, which does lead to various masturbatory fantasies until you come to the realization that “damn, that girl ain’t but about fifteen years old. Madonna was a least of age and the Bangles could play their own instruments, which made up for the fact that the whole band was dog’s ass ugly, save Suzanna Hoffs, MTV’s gift to the years of sexual discovery in a young Flea’s life.

(The only notable exceptions I can think of in this time period was Dr Dre and Snoop Dog, who seemed to lift the doom and gloom flavor of black music from the anger of Ice T back to the party mindset of the 70’s band Parliament Funkadelic, (complete with doobies and Cristal) and Limp Bizkit, who broke out the video for “Counterfeit”, a video that MTV played but not enough for my liking. As a matter of fact, in the Philadelphia area at that time was a cable channel that allowed you to call and request videos, to the tune of about a dollar apiece. No problemo, says Flea. I requested (and had played) “Counterfeit” six times and hour for three nights in a row until they got wise and politely informed me that I should probably adjust my selection (nice way of saying QUIT CALLING!!!)

But besides that, the only contact I have had with the world of MTV (or popular culture for that matter) over the last decade is the annual MTV Music Awards. So with great pleasure I threw a twelve pack in a cooler, fixed a martini, and sat down for 3 plus hours of entertainment – all at the expense of MTV.

Things immediately went sour as they opened the show with Bruce Fucking Springsteen. Hey, if you are a Springsteen fan, it was a great performance of a touching song, but I am not a Bruce fan. Not even a little. Unless he would have went 70’s retro and done a 17 minute version of “Born to Run”, then THAT would have gotten my attention. But to hear him growl in a supposed patriotic tone for what seemed like forever was sheer torture. At least the E-Street band was with him. Little Stevie is still way cool and was that Patti singing along? Bruce is such a sucker.

Next we have our host for the evening, someone named Jimmy Fallon. Desi (wife) walks through and tells me he is from Saturday Night Live. I’m still lost. That’s another show I haven’t watched in about a decade. He seems funny enough as his gimmick seems to be the old “goof on the popular videos in a medley”, which is original (NOT) but he’s a decent singer and the audience couldn’t care less. Helpfully, MTV’s camera’s pan the audience to tell me WHO he is goofing on, but except for Eminem I don’t know a damn one of them. James Brown helpfully makes an appearance, looking as lost as he has for the last 20 years. He ain’t the only one.

The next two sequences blur together so hang with me

I flag down my kid and Desi after hearing that Pink and Brittany Spears are coming up. My kid is a big mark for both so why not give her some entertainment? Meanwhile, I sneak downstairs and get tuned up as I know it will be a very long night and liquor probably won’t be enough. Ms.B comes out, clad in leather, which on one level does it for me but on another level makes me glad I ain’t 18. She attempts to give some kind of award to Michael Jackson but he goes all Undertaker and no-sells that shit. Guess having a f*cking award named after him ain’t good enough for that freak.

It’s a Thriller, Thriller Night

Girl I can thrill you more than any ghoul could ever dare try

Man, did he look bad. My kid is yelling about the lack of Brittany, and after seeing MJ, I can’t say I can blame her. So now it’s time for a live performance by Pink! I know what the song “should” be

I’m coming up so you better get the party started

Which would lead me to having some good time family fun. But knowing the pretentiousness of musicians, she will probably sing something else. And I’m right. I’m bummed, Desi is bummed and my kid is bummed. Good go to bed, cause Dad has to go back and catch another buzz, seeing as MTV has made me sober, so far.

Back to the show and feeling fine. I don’t care about the awards given out, I’m here for the live performances and watching mismatched couples attempt to read shit off the teleprompter. Hey Look! It’s Red Hot Chili dude and some chick I don’t know! The Peppers should have played here, not only cause they would rock the house but I get off on hearing FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA FLEA on television. No such luck.

The less I say about Sammy and Dave the better. Once I get started on that topic, I never quit. Some other time. Let’s just say it was disturbing on many levels

But the tide is turning as JaRul is out singing with some sexy black girl. Thank GOD they are lip-synching. Back in the day you would have got booed of the stage for not singing (Madonna / Vogue being the only notable exception) but nowadays that seems to be the norm. Not that it’s a bad thing, because JaRul has the gimmick of being the only black guy of Earth that can’t f*cking sing. Marvin Gay is dead, Teddy’s in a wheelchair and Lionel Ritchie can’t be found with a search warrant, so I guess I’m f*cked as far as JaRul being jap smacked. Hell of a gimmick though.

A bunch of shit occurred over the next hour and I won’t bore you with drunken ramblings. This guy Fallon is keeping the show going though, much better than them black guys (Wayans?) for the last few years. But he ain’t no Arsenio.

My daughter’s hero Pink won something and proceeded to tell everyone how drunk she was. What a low class, no talent whore. Speaking of which, Lisa Marie f*cking Presley comes out dressed like a slut, which just turned my stomach sideways. She looks just like Elvis (which ain’t a bad thing, he was a very handsome man) but she has none of Priscilla’s class vis-a-vis (?) she looks like white f*cking trash. And sounds like it too. My only consolation is that Elvis and Marvin Gay are hopefully in Heaven doing a duet of “Peace in the Valley” because Gospel music is the only thing that will get St Peter on either of their sides when Lisa Marie and Marvin Gay’s father reach the pearly gates. One of them might be dead already. Don’t know, don’t care and I hope Lisa Marie loses some weight and learns how to speak. Thankya Verymuch.

To compound the agony, Puff Daddy and Eminem do their respective live sets. Which, I do like them both, but P. Diddy goes over the top many times and all Eminem does is whine about what a dumb white piece of wigger trash he is, so this is all for naught. Busta Rhymes is always cool, but I still don’t know what the f*ck he’s always yelling about. But at least he has a purpose. P.Diddy ain’t had direction since he quit sucking off the dead hind tit of Biggie and as far as Eminem goes? Well, f*ck him. Great talent, but personally I don’t give a flying f*ck what he does with his kid, his ex-wife or anything else for that matter. And while I’m on the subject, how come none of the Rappers ever die? The only way the cash out seems to be violent warfare (Tu-Pac / Biggie) but damn. In the few months Staley and the dude from Drowning Pool croaked; where the hell is the balance? And where the hell are Dr Dre and Snoop to save me from this mess?

J’Lo and her big fat ass show up. I only mention this because the camera pans to Puffy whenever she’s around, like he cares. Maybe he does but he shouldn’t. She’s not all that cute and Puffy should have them bitches all up in his area, seeing as he don’t have to front, yo. I think I got that right if not let me try this

Here is Flea’s progression to hooking up

1. Get Recognized. You ain’t shit unless you’ve been recognized.

2. Get your Props. Once you get recognized, the next logical step is to get your “freak / meal / drunk / whatever on, all of which, if done right, will earn you some props. Once you get recognized AND get your props, you are ready to proceed to the next level, in other words, you can officially

3. GET YOUR MACK ON! Yes, this is the ultimate level of street cred; follow steps one and two and you will be getting your mack on with the lovely lady of your choice.

Which brings me back to my point. J’Lo is a big fat no talented bitch who Puffy don’t need. Or maybe he does – he ain’t been right since Mick Jagger told him he should get his teeth fixed. Mick rules.

The next band introduced are some chaps called “The Hives”. Holy Fuck. Then another band follows them with the same aptitude for music. In most countries, people would be killed for what these bands are attempting to do to chord structures and “on key” singing. Fortunately for them we have Freedom of Speech in this country which I will exercise right now – these guys should practice more.

It was around this time I started to question why I still watch this Awards Show. Answer? I’m a sucker for tradition. Something good has to happen out of all this mess.

And then Fallon the Host starts whistling a familiar tune. He also tells us that something big is coming up, so set the VCR’s and have a little patience

You don’t think? No way who the f*ck believes ANY rumors on 411!

Back from the break and Fallon the Host is marking out just like I would be. Here to close the evening – GUNS AND FUCKING ROSES~!

The familiar chords of Welcome to the Jungle start to play and there is the man himself – AXL MOTHERFUCKING ROSE looking, old. But healthy. Let’s see what the voice is up to

Jeez, he sounds like a parody of himself. That falsetto shit would always bail him out of trouble but that ain’t his real voice. AXL (at one time) could sing legit five f*cking octaves, but I’m not sure what he’s up to tonight. They run through “Jungle” (and if you ever want to hear a kick ass version of that tune, get the latest released live album. AXL works that song over and then some. He hits a note that even Plant couldn’t hit on his best day), then they do a new song and close with Paradise City. Not bad and great to see him, but ummm..I dig the new band, very tight and seem to get perverse enjoyment out of paying some good Ol’ GNR, just like a bar band at your favorite ( or you dad / uncle’s favorite ) watering hole. How about some wrestling terminology? AXL and Slash are like Flair and Steamboat. They had great matches with each other, but away from each other one is a legend and the other one sinks like a stone. The stone I’m talking about is Slash, who despite his great licks he strummed out as a member of GNR, he is vastly overrated as a guitar player. Some magazine rated him #4 of all time, which is a great big pile of horse shit. Duane Allman could have played circles around him and no one in their right minds would rate him above Stevie Ray Vaughn. While I’m thinking of this, all you kids who are new to Ozzy because of the TV show should probably look into a guy by the name of Randy Rhodes, who for my money, is right up there with Page, Beck and Clapton. Too Young to Die, as they say. Point is GNR will survive without Slash, so long as AXL quits f*cking around and gets his shit together.

And so ends Flea’s Night with MTV. As you can see (and read) this whole Awards show does nothing for me anymore. But I will be back next year, with out a doubt. I think this can sum up the whole night

Justin Timberlake would rather gets his rocks off by doing some half assed lame bullshit song instead of waiting in the wings, grabbing his girlfriend, Brittany Spears, by the hand and f*cking her like there is no tomorrow. Think about that the next time you jack off to her; fame and glory trumps pussy any day of the week. Which is why I still watch this show, and MTV, at least once a year. One of these days I’m gonna be surprised and one of these “latest things” will do something special and I want to be there to see it. Sitting though 3 hours of bullshit once a year is worth the hassle.

And I got AXL f*cking ROSE

Now go do me a favor and find out who Randy Rhodes is

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.