A Wrestling News Report 9.05.02

Archive

You fans of mine are lucky I can’t sleep. So I had a pretty big report done. Then the computer froze. I told Hyatte I wasn’t going to do a report tonight, but I really can’t sleep, so I’ll see what I can quickly do.

TOP WRESTLER IN 3007

The following comes to us from black3@theramp.net. His name is Andrew or something. Andy, e-mail me and I’ll get the piece of crap tape to you as soon as humanly possible.

1) The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, these aging veterans who actually came to Earth in the year 3000 but were stopped from ending the world when the WWE claimed copyright infringement and forced to become wrestlers in the company as part of lawsuit settlement. The group was initially promoted as the second coming but was so miserably booked that they ended up being jobbed out to everyone. They have become the favorites of the Mind Net community who believe that is a conspiracy that a galaxy spanning organization with writers with IQ’s greater than 1000 can’t find a better way to handle this talented group. Mind Net believes that since the group’s name did not originate from a McMahon brainstem cell it can’t possibly get over regardless of what the fans want.

Well, that was easy. I had done 5 before, but I really just don’t have enough in me.

SMACKUSDOWNUS

This is my first time doing my own html. It’s going to probably get all kinds of screwed up.

Rey and Billy! Gay weddings! Jaime and Shannon! Rednecks making out! Orton and Brock and Paul! Green pecs and ham! (That was so awful. So, so awful. I apologize. I’m in a rush.) Big fat Olympian and a guy who kicks a lot! Preachers and fallen disciples! A lot of talking! Matt Hardy and Hardcore Holly! Crash and the Hurricane! Crash and the Hurricane. Hmmm. Umm okay. Big six man tag action! That’s it!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Big changes may be on the way to the WWE, as Vince McMahon seems to be realizing that the style that made the WWE big again just isn’t working. Changes, such as, let’s say, oh I don’t know, firing Lance Storm?

Actually, they’re going to turn RAW IS WAR into two hours of a camera focused on kittens while Triple H buries the kittens in a promo.

Smackdown will stay essentially the same, only it will feature the writing of Scott Keith, who knows everything about writing up to 6 hours of quality programming a week.

Raw has fallen to a 3.6 rating. Many in the industry blame this on the UnAmericans, more specifically on Lance Storm. Lance Storm is defiant, though. “You’ve fired me over a hundred times for reasons ranging from peeing on Linda McMahon to the WWE Diva’s special getting a low rating. Fire me! I don’t give a crap anymore! Go ahead and fire me again! I’ll go home, and there’ll be a box of flowers and an apology note just like all the other times! I dare you to AGGH!” Storm was cut off when every member of the WWE roster stabbed him. Lance turned to his friend and said, “Et tu, Teste?”

The 411 GAME ZONE!!!! Is now hiring. Do you like video games and the Internet? Do you have a complete lack of a social life? Actually, answering yes to question 1 would mean an affirmative for answer 2.

I had this big me and Flea that was deleted before. Here’s a taste.

Me: Hey Flea!

Flea: Hold on a second, let me get my beer and pipe.

Flea: I’m richer then you’ll ever be in your life. I have a hotter woman then you’ll ever have in your life. Tell me one thing you have that I don’t.

Me: Youthful indiscretion.

Flea: Damn.

Screech was seated up front for Raw. Man, some of you kids don’t even know who Screech is. I’m 22 and feel like I’m Flea’s age.

Tommy Dreamer is getting married to Beulah. You can say he’s a dreamer, but soon he won’t be the only one. HAHAHA!

There is no news. That’s why it ruled to have the Me and Flea. Those things fill up 2 pages like nothing.

Hell, let’s see what’s in the music section.

Ozzy Osbourne has a new CD out. It’s awesome! There’s a song about dogs, and a song about knives, and there’s this duet with him and Sharon about falling out of a chair. It ends with Ozzy blowing his brains out.

The girl won on American Idol, meaning that the fraggle kid will have to spend the rest of his life banging ec-porn stars, not actual porn stars. That girl who came in 3rd place was hot. Tamara is going to have a huge coke problem.

Simon Cowell will appear on the second season of American Idol with Billy Cosby and Dolly Parton.

Ja Rule and DMX are going to kill each other eventually.

Let’s go to the games section.

Play a computer game in Greece, go to jail! Man, imagine if they caught a guy who was playing Monopoly and he was playing in a tournament for two hundred bucks. That would be ironic.

UGH! Everything else there bores the holy hell out of me. No offense. I just don’t have an X-Box.

AGH! OUR SITE IS SO NERDY! I’m sorry. We focus on wrestling, video games, and toys. If it weren’t for Ashish and his hardcore insight into Gangsta Rap, we wouldn’t get any cool hits at all. I wonder if any one has done the rankings recently.

Nick Dee is doing the rankings. Yeah, Nick Dee. I don’t know who he is either, but he made my love Lillian the lowest ranking woman. Also, Rikishi is the worst wrestler. Whatever.

This is so weak. I’m tired now. Let’s wrap it up.

PLUGS AND SHIT NEWS!

I hope this html worked. If so, all credit goes to Hyatte. By the way, Widro did the links (and fixed all the broken HTML, which was 100% of the HTML). Or Ash. Probably Widro.

Andrew B is very proud of Raven’s Supercard, and why shouldn’t he be? I wish I got so much satisfaction playing with dolls.

Ken Anderson is always great.

So is Ron Gamble.

Jay Bower has sex with little boys. If by little boys I mean big beautiful women! Let’s settle on a happy medium. He jerks off a lot. Go read his report.

Barren’s back! YAY!

That’s it. Sorry. My apologies especially to Flea.