The Saturday Matinee News Report 09.07.02

Archive

Hello again and thank you for joining me this weekend. I’m Flea and life is just grand. Big ole FOOTBALL weekend as on top of everything else, it’s The University of Florida Gators competing against the University of Miami Hurricanes as the battle for state supremacy has begun. Come to think of it, I should have gone to the game but I never really got around to thinking about going. I think Rock-E will be there, but I’m not really sure. I just hope this game can live up to the hype. Fucker is bigger than the Super Bowl around these parts.

All sorts of stuff for you today and I would just like to remind everyone that FLEA’S BIRTHDAY is coming up! The date is 9-10-02. I know what your thinking and you’re right. That’s a shitty day for a birthday as no one is really n the mood to party as the next day will be filled with gloom and solace. Such is life. If you want to get me a gift, I won’t say no but what do you buy for the guy who has everything? A court jester! But I’ll also accept records and videos, if you so desire. Actually, I would like the Torch or Observer newsletter if anyone wants to spring for it. I better move along before irony comes and takes me to Soberland

Let’s get to it

TOP STORY

What a nice little week of rasslin we have had. Monday starts of with a bang proving every on line know it all right – H gets the belt handed to him on a silver platter. “Why does it have to be him?”, people moan. “Too much backstage power!” says the IWC. “Everyone is sick of HHH, why do they keep shoving him down our throats?”, folks whine. The biggest argument is HHH is NOT a draw and is evidently chasing away viewers. Pointing out the latest RAW rating, which came in around 3.7, is proof that the show sucks, HHH sucks and this business is failing again according to anyone who knows stuff. Later in the week, reports surfaced that Vince McMahon himself favors the RAW brand over the Smackdown brand, leading the same people to howl about how out of touch Vince McMahon is and THAT’S why he is going broke. Still later in the week, on line sources say that the Fed is now taking readership feedback seriously and just MAYBE will use some of those suggestions on future broadcasts! OH BOY! BOOKING FOR THE INTERNET CROWD! We all know how great THAT is! Personally, I suck at fantasy booking because I think it’s lame; the only exception being that EWR game that Scotsman turned me onto – within a game year I had that bad boy up to global with a 85% approval rate, only playing with NWA-TNA people and brining in Savage and New Jack. So maybe I do know something.

Anyway, seeing as the Fed is making an offer, why not help them out.

The first step to booking a successful promotion is to have a strong heel persona. There have been freaks of nature babyfaces that pack the houses (Hogan, Austin) but no one sells tickets like an asshole heel that everyone wants to see get his lunch handed to him. Flair made a fortune like this. So okay – dickhead heel, but one who knows how to work matches. I say have him appear to totally overpower everyone in the promotion, to the point where everyone thinks he’s a power hungry out of control maniac. NEVER let the faces win. EVER. Have a big ceremony where he gets handed a belt. Fortunately, the heel is talented enough to work not only ONE main event a night, but TWO, ending the night doing the time honored tradition to a hungry young up and comer. When it gets time for said up and comer to get his revenge, have the heel make a great match of it, but still win. In fact, book the heel to win ALL the time for months. Center every show around him; and just to mess with people’s heads, have a real life relationship with the Bosses daughter going on, so that all of the “insiders” think that this guy is the biggest creep in the world as he dictates “backstage dealings” to his liking, with no remorse on his part and no recourse from anyone else on staff, lest they get in hot water with the Boss. Could you imagine the “insiders” and the Internet Wrestling Community’s reaction if something like this took place? Why, they would be all up in arms, I tell you! “Get rid of this guy!” “He is ruining everything!” The reaction would be phenomenal! A grass roots campaign would start to have this vile heel taken out back and shot! Imagine all the tickets that could be sold while we wait for him to go down in flames! Yes, the Internet has the power to change things as long the Fed is listening. So if you have any clever ideas like the one I described above, feel free to email WWE.com and share your thoughts!

Outside of the little fantasy booking above, I don’t think we need to jump to any conclusions. So H got the belt? He was designated the “franchise of RAW” by Bischoff. What the hell kind of sense would it make to have a tournament when, for “story line purposes”, Bisch could just give the belt to his “golden child”? Flair’s honorable attempt at defending what’s right led to a damn good match, with H getting the duke, as it should be. I agree it was overkill having those two come back for the main event but it did a nice job of setting up a RVD / HHH match-up. Other than that, RAW was a pretty standard show, nothing spectacular but it damn sure didn’t suck. Did you SEE Dreamer’s face when the Milwaukee crowd gave him the old ECW chant? How about Bubba’s promo towards H? Or the reaction to RVD when he laid out H? All good moments which have easily been explained away in the normal hogwash of negativity. So, with baited breath, all the naysayers waited for the RAW rating and were proven right – 3.7, declining and it’s all due to HHH and his power trip.

Personally, I think this is hilarious. Back in the old days, when RAW’s rating would dip on a holiday weekend, folks would say “Well, it’s no big deal, everyone is with their families celebrating and decided not to watch.” So why does the holiday not matter this time around? Because it’s being used to prove a point. Nothing more, nothing less. But back then, more people took a positive outlook on things – after all, WCW and Nitro was there to kick around.

So that’s what it is! For every winner, there has to be a loser. In this case, Vince holds all the cards and has attempted to create his own form of competition the only way that’s feasible at this point – two distinct brands. The point of having a separate champions for both shows makes perfect sense to me. Why they went the circuitous route and Unified the belts to begin with can easily be explained – they didn’t really have a direction at that time and needed some kind of solid footing to start. Unify the Championship, let it play hot potato until your REAL golden boy is ready for prime time and then have him destroy two icons while ascending to the throne. Have two competing shows vying for this new champions attention and when the losing show does not get its way – WHAM! – it creates its OWN damn champeen and calls the competition’s champ a chump and a scardy cat. That gives another belt “championship status” and allows the PPV go in a different direction, one champ defending against the up and comer (who just happens to hold the second level belt) and the other champ room to destroy the remaining “old school icon” while continuing his trek of “unstoppable monster”. It also sets up possibilities for a “champ” vs. “champ” matchup, which if not rushed, could be filled with intrigue and suspense to whom is going to show up where and lay a beat down on the other whom. Sounds like a good plan, if time is taken and the stories are not rushed for a fast food fanatical fanbase who seems to do nothing but piss all over anything new that is tried.

Doesn’t that make as much sense as “HHH is using his power to bury everyone. And the new belt has no meaning. WWE sucks. Benoit is God.”??

Moving along to Smackdown, the topic on the tip of everyone’s tongues is the union between Chuck and Billy. No less an authority than Vince himself deems this worthy to be presented on a wrestling program and far be it from me to disagree with his genius. Way back in the day on WCW Saturday Night, I spotted Chuck Palumbo and his flowing jungle locks, looking like a sweaty beast from the jungle. Needless to say, Billy Gunn’s “Smoking Gunn” motif was SCREAMING a Village People overtone. With his evolution to a New Age Outlaw and eventually Mr.Ass, it only seems logical that he would “jump the fence” and proclaim his new found freedom. Thank God he got rid off that useless Road Dogg and found a life mate like Chuckles to share the love. Why not go full monty and have Patterson do the ceremony and Jeff Hardy be the flower girl. The possibilities are endless! Have Nidia attempt to persuade Chuckles back to the side of vagina love, only to have Noble spaz out when he realizes the next time he tongues his trailer trash girlfriend, he might have well as sucked Billy’s cock. Have Billy fool around with, say Mark Henry, who is always up for some “freaky luv’ (remember Chyna?) and then have Chuckles get all offended with a clever, witty promo like : “Billy, I know who have been cheating on me..there is fresh shit on your dick!” Billy in turn can say, “Well, it looks like you were busy with the fish, who knew you still wanted THIS dish”. They can go anywhere they want with this, so I proclaim this the Greatest Angle You’ll Ever See Transpire. Not to mention it makes everyone on line cringe as this angle would take away from all the other sweaty mat action that is taking place. Hey! Go back a sentence and you have what might be they hottest selling piece of merchandise in history! (Not to mention it’s kayfabe-breaking ready for all the “smart crowd”)

G reatest

A ngle

Y ou’ll

E ver

S ee

T ranspire

It’s the GAYEST! Hey WWE! There’s your f*cking idea®. Now send me some dough. Or at least call me. I’ll talk your ears off

Moving along to Smackdown, Brock Lesnar continues to impress with his absolute destruction of Randy Orton. I was not a big fan of the “F5” as a finisher, but his Smackdown match changed my mind: Brock’s F5 is becoming a move like Austin’s Stunner or DDP’s diamond cutter – he can hit it from anywhere and when it hits – it’s over. The interview between Brock and UT was nothing to write home about but at least they are keeping them away from each other for the time being to build a little suspense. I’m predicting a PPV massacre, with Brock going over CLEANLY cause it’s the right thing to do and UT knows it. Other than that, decent show but nothing spectacular. Both shows seem to be treading water, hopefully because bigger things are planned in lieu of a total reset and new direction, and I think we have seen enough of that.

But if they do reset, have HHH dump Steph and start sleeping with Benoit. I have always had my suspicions about the Canadian Crippler, ever since he stole Nancy from Sullivan. I mean, how insecure do you have to be with your masculinity to go after a chick named “WOMAN?” Kinda like a drunk marrying a chick named “VODKA”.

HEADLINES

According to the Associated Press Stone Cold Steve Austin no longer wants to divorce Debra. Good for him and it still ain’t none of our f*cking business, Grut.

I caught a quick report the other day on BOB’s site by Georgiann Makropoulos (one of the few “good eggs” on the Internet Wrestling scene) that had some interesting news of note on Bill Moody, better known to most wrestling fans as Paul Bearer, former manager of the Undertaker and Kane. I know him the best from my days of watching Florida Championship Wrestling when he was Percival Pringle III and someone that I hated with a passion, because he was an evil heel manager (wrestling seemed simple and innocent back then). Some of you may have read that Percy’s wife got the Cancer, which is fortunately now in remission. It’s been nearly two years since “Paul Bearer” has been used on TV, which led many to believe that he was no longer with the company. Good news is, that is not the case, as Vince and the gang gave him as much time off as he needed to handle family matters. (Bearer still provided WWF/E.com with weekly opinion columns). Also, according to this article, Vince and Co. extended his contract / employment for another year, not to mention offering him a “consulting position” to remain with the company. It’s nice to hear “inside” stories like this as opposed to all the “backstage” bullshit and meandering normally provided by the usual dubious on line cartel. Good luck to him and thanks to Georgie for reporting it.

Against my better judgement, let’s just go ahead and see what Good Ol’ is up to this week

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

Hey! Even JR gets in out the whole Greatest Angle You’ll Ever See Transpire! Flea rules!

JR: Greetings from under the black 200X Resistol hat from an Oklahoma Sooner fan who seems to be busier these days than a fruit merchant!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Fruit merchant! BECAUSE HE HAS TO SELL US THE G.A.Y.E.S.T. ha ha ha haha ha ha!

Wait a second. Cole and Tazz call Smackdown. JR won’t have anything to do with it. On the bright side I hope all you dickheads that thought of the same joke out there took the time to think it through like I did. PA FANGOL!

JR: Random thoughts, opinion and some basically useless information …

JR stresses that Smackdown is largely post-produced, while I take to mean that it’s easy to bust JR and King’s balls because they have to do this shit live. If Cole and Tazz didn’t have the privilege of “do over’s” they wouldn’t be as good as everyone thinks they are. HELLO! The PPV Main Event was live and Tazz sold Rocky’s heel status beautifully. Lawler would have been screaming about the benefits of molesting underage women and JR would have been saying “Well, it looks like they crowd is split 50/50 tonight” or some other line of company bullshit. Fuck him and Fuck me for even bothering to read this ignorant cocksuckers attempt to sugarcoat every little motherf*cking thing that the motherf*cking WWE does and then shove it down our f*cking throats in this “Ross Report” piece of shit that everyone just creams their f*cking jeans over. He can go to hell.

Sorry. I think I just kind of freaked out there for a moment. I need a drink.

JR says that any rumors or speculation that Scott Steiner is coming to WWE or that JR and his cronies have even spoken with him are just that – rumors. Incorrect rumors. And anyone who is spreading these rumors is a cow f*cking perverted piece of horse manure. Except for Flea, because his news report comes out AFTER the Ross Report. So anything HE says about Steiner is A-o.k.

JR: We learn early on in this business to say “never say never.”

Yeah, then why the f*ck is every other f*cking sentence “OH MY GAWD! I have NEVER seen this in my 25 years of wrestling . NEVER!” You goddamn shit shoveling Okie pig.

JR: Also read about the alleged “competition” between the RAW and the SmackDown! writing staffs, wrestlers, announcers, etc., as if they were on totally separate agendas with one another and with one wishing that the other to not do well, second-guessing each other, etc. I seriously doubt that this matter has evolved or degenerated, if you will, to this level, but if it is heading that way it should be abruptly ceased or those guilty should be eliminated from the entire process. Personally speaking, I certainly want the program I perform on, RAW, to do well, but I don’t think I am so stupid or insecure that I want RAW to do better than SmackDown! at the expense of WWE in general

Why don’t you tell us again how “largely post produced” and “taped Tuesday” Smackdown is again. But GOD DAMN RAW is the better show of the two and has better talent and blah blah blah go f*ck yourself again JR. And f*ck you for no selling my congratulations to you for your comments about Gordon Solie at the NWA 50th Anniversary show. I was just saying thanks. At least acknowledge my presence you piece of shit.

JR: I really enjoyed attending the opening of the new Danny Davis Arena in Louisville, Ky., Wednesday night. The building has a capacity of about 400 and approximately 1,500 fans were turned away from the inaugural event. WWE Confidential will be producing a feature on the facility and the developmental program in the future. No one I know works harder at helping these young kids than Danny Davis, Jim Cornette and company.

I’ll let Drew Deuce, of SlashWrestling and sending Fleabag some OVW stuff fame take this one

The Ross should have said this:

The Big Bossman, Randy Orton and Rico Constantino showed a lot of class and professionalism in signing autographs to placate junior members of the IWC who were FIFTEEN PEOPLE FROM GETTING IN THE DOOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT FOR OVW’S FIRST TAPING IN THE NEW DAVIS ARENA BECAUSE LITTLE NICKY DINSMORE KEPT PULLING HIS FRIENDS OUT OF LINE TO GET THEM IN OVER PEOPE WHO HAD BEEN THERE A COUPLE OF HOURS ALREADY.

Just saying is all

Yeah! So f*ck you JR. Way to get the “steak and sizzle” over with the unwashed masses. Cocksucker.

I think that’s enough ventilation.

ROLL THE DICE

Still proving that Chuck and Billy’s Greatest Angle You’ll Ever See Transpire (I’m telling ya, that t-shirt is $$$$$) is the hottest thing in wrestling at the moment, rumors are flying that Road Dog Jesse Jammes and none other than the Honky Tonk Man have been contacted to appear at the “ceremony” next for next Thursday’s Smackdown. I think that is way cool and for added emphasis I can think of no better time than to bring in SCOTT FUCKING STEINER to be a psychopath gay bashing pipe swinging Big Bad Booty Daddy and wreck the wedding. Ah shit. Now the sources say that HTM is using the old Ric Flair excuse (gotta go watch my son attempt to be an athlete just like me!) and the Road Dogg, for some reason, was a total prick to everyone, probably due to some drug induced haze. Some story this turned out to be. I still think the Steiner part of it is a winner, though.

And I just saw over on the newsline that Parents.WWE.com posted a warning about Smackdown’s show and the issue of “same sex” relationships. The country can handle the President of the United States getting his pecker sucked from a whore half his age but 2 grown men pretending to get married is wrong. Right on.

IN OTHER WORDS

In his latest pearl of wisdom E.C gets all French and Ticklish with his latest column titled Mind Squeezins “Vox Populi Vox Dei” – Part 2. I think that loosely translates to JR is a dickwad, but don’t quote me on that.

Green Acres is the place to be! FaRRm living is the life for me! Land spreading out so far and wide! Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside!

(BOSS / Hashish. No link there. I’m just singing. Fuck Jim Ross.)

Looks like Rivett is up to something. I like his stuff. Grut however is a useless punk – here’s how the f*cking “Me and Grut” session went for those of you that are curious.

VPJG: Hey! Wanna do a me and Flea”

RYDER FAKIN: Sure, let me get my beer and pipe

THAT part was true The other parts Grut was pulling your leg. I actually saved the f*cking AIM transcripts and here’s what was said

VPJG: You know, nevermind. I’m not doing a column tonight.

RYDER FAKIN: Well, don’t ask me to fill in. Hyatte pulls that shit all the time. By the way, he’s on line, go ask him. Or take some responsibility.

VPJG: Whatever.

RYDER FAKIN: So are you going to use the old “death in the family trick?” Widro is a sucker for that.

VPJG: Nah. I’ll just throw some bullshit together and then say my computer crashed.

RYDER FAKIN: If you are going to do that, you should probably get off line. But come back on in desperation later on. Personally, I think it would be easier just to write a f*cking column.

VPJG: gee, thanks.

RYDER FAKIN: You know I love you, my little stud muffin

VPJG: aww, Flea is so good to me

I would continue but it got pretty GAY from there. So that’s what happened.

Scrooollllling down Main Street on 411, I see TV Reports, Music, Video Reviews, Games, and Figures. Go check them all out!

PAGE SIX

No treats, no contests and no long winded drunken ramblings on Page Six today. I thought someone was going to send me something but I guess not. So in lieu of actually writing something, I’ll just share what arrived in my inbox a couple days ago (you might have already seen this)..

Date: 9/4/02 2:58:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From: aprilhunter@earthlink.net (AprilHunter)

To: ryderfakin@aol.com (ryderfakin)

http://www.AprilHunter.com

Hi-and thanks for writing! Sorry about this being a bit of a ‘form letter’…I just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know I got this…

As you probably realize, my schedule is hectic, so my members tend to get first priority with email answers and time. (Please check my schedule and FAQ pages for answers to questions.)

If you like what you see so far, you may want check out my Member’s Area which is updated weekly. What ya get: Live Web Cam Chats, hot Wallpapers, over 5500 high resolution photos and video clips of me and my sexy friends, ranging from full nudes, fetish, artistic black & white, flexed, girl/girl and themed shoots! (Check out a few of the latest photo samples at http://www.aprilhunter.com/samples There’s only one photo of each gallery posted, but most sets are large and diverse!)

Also, there are TELL-ALL Behind-The-Scenes diaries about nude photo shoots,parties, conventions, pro-wrestling school, my travels with WCW-all with snapshots. I have hundreds of photographs that no one else has from my personal scrap book. People are always telling me that they’ve always wanted to be a centerfold or a pro wrestler. I’ll fill you in on what it’s REALLY like to live this crazy (but never boring!) life.

Kisses! -April

http://www.aprilhunter.com

*There are also videos, photos, magazines, posters and other goodies to grab on the Cool Stuff page:

http://www.aprilhunter.com/cool_stuff/cool_stuff_index.htm

*Tell your hetersexual lifemates ‘wassup’ by sending them a sexy, nearly nude free postcard! http://www.aprilhunter.com/cards/index_cards.htm

*And don’t forget to sign up for the FREE newsletter in the pop-up window for the latest updates, Live Web Cam schedule,dirty jokes and more! All emails submitted are private and for use with this site ONLY.

You Can Sleep With A Blond,

You Can Sleep With A Brunette,

But You’ll Never Get Any Sleep With A Redhead!

http://www.aprilhunter.com

*.*.*.*

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.

FLEA is an Inside Pulse Original in every sense of the word, from his unique style and viewpoint. You can send any feedback to ryderfakin@yahoo.com, or just type it the comment box below. also but follow FLEA on Twitter @ryderfakin.