A Wrestling News Report 9.12.02

Archive

I’m writing this on September the 11th. I stayed away from most of the television coverage. I have nothing new to contribute to what has already been said. Instead, allow me to say something about what went down on September the 10th.

Flea had a birthday.

It was quite a show.

All the chicks were wasted.

All the guys did blow.

Flea had a birthday.

The neighbors did complain.

They did not appreciate

The giant orgy train.

Flea had a birthday.

He partied, that’s no lie.

To bad in the morning his cock was brown,

He awoke next to some guy.

Happy Birthday Flea. I’ve always loved you.

SMACKDOWN IS NOT A LIVE SHOW YET. HEH HEH HEH

Brock fights Hardcore Holly for some reason. I don’t want to spoil the match, but let’s just say we can look forward to Hardcore Holly fighting the Undertaker very soon.

Eddie and Chavo fight Edge and Cena. Who said that E and C were dead?

Matt Hardy congratulates the Undertaker for having a child. The Undertaker then challenges Matt for no good reason. Makes sense.

Angle fights Rey in what many are calling collect.

Benoit fights Rikishi, Angle interferes, Rikishi dances.

The Gay Wedding takes place. Just as a Chuck is about to say, “I do,” a screaming voice is heard from the top of the arena. “CHUCK! CHUCK!” Chuck turns around to see a frantic Sean Stasiak screaming for him. Chuck runs into Stasiaks arms, and the two run out of the arena, onto a waiting bus. Here’s to you, Mr. Palumbo.

Torrie fights Nidia to setup Kidman and Noble. What about him? WHAT ABOUT MAVEN?

Matt Hardy fights the Undertaker as Brock Lesnar pokes Sara’s baby with his penis.

Smackdown can be seen on UPN, Thursday night. Be there!

RAW RATING PLUMMETS. Seventh Heaven juggernaut continues to role

The show did a 3.4 as Monday Night Football ratings soared. I gotta tell you, things are not looking good for the WWE right now. They promised TNN a steady 5.0 rating at the least, and they have not been delivering. TNN executives are going to stop making those stupid f*cking commercials long enough to realize they might have another ECW on their hands.

I guess that when people have cable, they figure that their hot lesbian action is better attained from Cinemax.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Jazz will be back in December and pinning Crash Holly before New Year’s.

Steve Austin was at Ozzfest, as Ozzy was looking for pointers as to how to control Sharon.

Lenny Lane fought some guy at the Smackdown Taping. If the WWE hires him, soon Lenny Lane will be in my ears and in my eyes. There, beneath blue suburban skies.

FUNAKI FUCKING STOLE MY LINE! THE WWE STOLE MY LINE! I WANT MY LINE BACK! Apparently, Funaki said during the Velocity tapings that you can’t spell Funaki without FUN. Come on, guys. At least mail me a thank you or something. I blame Lance Storm for this.

Brock Lesnar may have killed Hardcore Holly by botching a power bomb. Jeez, first Angle and now Lesnar. You’d think Holly would stop fighting former amateurs.

My best friend on the Internet, Lo Ki, got into a fight with the crack-whore connection. Candido and Stych were apparently miffed that Lo Ki wouldn’t give up his seat to Stytch. It is traditional for a new wrestler to give up his seat to old, fat porn bitches who I used to jack off to. Never Sable though. I wonder how her career is going? I’m sure Hyatte’ll look into it soon enough.

The WWE is interested in signing Malice. For those of you like myself who have never seen TNA, Malice is the wrestler formally known as the Wall. He was released by the WWE earlier this year, and now the WWE wants him back. Will Malice return to the rich, old company or stay with the poor, new company who showed Malice the love he deserved? Find out this December in a theater near you. “THE MALICE OF LOVE.”

The WWE had been hoping for a big Smackdown rating, but now doesn’t expect much. Keep reaching for that dirt, fellas!

Bradshaw has suffered a torn bicep and will be out 4 to 6 months. Damn it! I really wanted some giant Texan with a bull rope to tell me what a great country we live in. Oh well.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are coming back this year. I’m sure it will keep with most updates in being a sarcastic mockery of the first one. Either that, or the turtles will have some new cool body armor or something.

The WWE is not looking to hire Scott Steiner at the moment. They have all the grotesquely shrunken testicles they need at the moment.

Billy and Chuck have a website for their marriage set up. Disgustingly enough, the site which proclaimed their love led to a link for the WWE Shopzone. I’m starting to think that the whole thing is a work.

CBS, TNN and TSN are upset with the HLA angle on RAW. They have formed a super company to deal with the WWE by taking the first letter from one company’s name, the second letter from another’s name, and the third letter from the remaining company’s name. The WEE now has to deal with CNN! Fucking Ted Turner.

Jesse Ventura may return to wrestling as a commentator. I hope he does and brings his wife with him. That lady is hot! Man, I wish I had Jesse’s girl.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

PLUGS

As we remember the one year anniversary of the most devastating attack on our country, why not memorialize it by seeing what Ken Anderson thought the WWE’s actions in light of in. I disagree with what he has to say about the UnAmericans, but it’s his opinion.

333. Prepare for the mania.

The World has changed, According to Ron.

Raywat Deonondan decides to check if wrestling is art, proving once and for all that at least someone reads Scott Keith’s mail bag.

Go check out Pat Brower’s Velocity Recap. The boy does good work.

I went to seanshannon.org for the first time the other day. The guy seems pretty depressed about something. He got himself into some kind of trouble. The poor college kid.

Eric S recaps confidential. Not that Eric S, Eric Stibbons. He doesn’t do that good a job, but neither would I if I were recapping Confidential without Flea.

That’s it. I hope you all have a pleasant day.