The Saturday Matinee News Report 09.14.02

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Welcome my weekend warriors to what will without a doubt will be, oh who am I kidding. I’m Flea and it is the weekend.

A quick shout out and plug to Eric S, whose 9.11.02 right HERE is required reading, in my opinion. I am a little ticked that he beat me to the punch on the use of CCR’s “Fortunate Son” as a patriotic anthem (which it ain’t) but that’s okay. I blatantly rip him off in about 3 more paragraphs so I’ll call it square. I would like to point out all said comments re: patriotic anthems can also be directed towards any numb-nut DJ who plays Neil Young’s “Rockin in the Free World” as an American Anthem. You think these folks would at least listen before playing. My advice would be to play “American Trilogy” by Elvis, but that might not go over with the “in” crowd.

Hello GRUT and thanks for the wonderful Birthday poem! But I gave up cocaine years ago when the I realized that the stuff did nothing but make me sober. If that ain’t a Grade-A rational to “Just Say No”, I don’t know what is! By the way GRUT, you can have “my spot”. Go ask you know who if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It was all his idear.

I’m sitting in the airport lounge in Philadelphia at 10am on Friday morning enjoying some scrambled eggs and a few memosas and I see the news flash – 3 men of Middle Eastern descent where pulled over it what appears to be a plot to reign terror on the city of Miami. “Alligator Alley” is a stretch of desolate country road in South Florida that connects the Gulf Coast of the East Coast (from Naples to around Ft. Lauderdale) and it appears as though the three men had a carload full of explosives and intent to get more “if they didn’t have enough”. The way these fine upstanding citizens were caught was:

1. They were mouthing off in a Georgia diner and a lady overheard them, got creeped out and called the police with detailed descriptions of the men, the car and their intentions.

2. They blew through a toll booth without paying

My reaction to this? Hysterical laughter and a round of drinks to everyone who wanted one. When questioned why I was in such a jovial mood, especially considering I was waiting on a flight to Florida, I just responded:

“If the dumb son of a bitches can’t keep their mouths shut and overtly blow a toll that’s one thing. But they probably picked the worst stretch of road in Florida to mess with the Police with indigent attitudes and a car rumored to be full of explosives. Their only hope not to become victims of Redneck justice and inclusion into the Deliverance Hall of Shame is the fact that the media will be there. But trust me, all those local cops need a bottle of Wild Turkey and about 20 minutes alone with those punks and they will wish to Allah that they had never set foot in Florida, much less the United States”.

Trust me, if you make an example of these jackoffs by making them “squeal like a pig” once or twice and then broadcast it, it will be a deterrent. Might as well make “Dueling Banjos” the official song of Post 9.11 justice, while you’re at it. No political posturing or “threats” can take the place of good old fashioned Southern Justice. We will get back to you on the whole voting thing

Let’s get to it

TOP STORY



During the Monday Night Wars, a lot of people ran numbers and calculated that the core audience for the WWF was somewhere between a 3 and a 3.5, people who will watch the WWF regardless of what else is on (and at the time, people who wouldn’t switch over to Nitro). The WWF is now approaching that core audience number. The casual fans, the more recent fans who came on board with the perception that the WWF was “cool” to watch, are abandoning Raw. The WWF did nothing to successfully retain those people after the initial aura had worn off. The boom-and-bust cycle has its needle firmly stuck on “bust” at this moment, at a time when all indicators should be reading “boom” (bad economy and what should be the biggest angle in wrestling history). The primary fault for this lies with the writing staff, the people who failed to give the audience something interesting to watch.

Eric S. – Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 10.24.01

That happens to be one of Eric’s comments that I will not forget, just because I never thought it would get to this point. Considering since that time we have had multiple restarts, the N.W.O., the return of Red and Yellow Hulk, Ric Flair, the ascension of Kurt Angle to Wrestling God, a ***** HBK return to glory and ERIC BISCHOFF, SOMETHING should have clicked and attracted the attention of the unwashed masses. Nope. 3.4 was the rating and Vince is still all smiles. More on this on Page Six, let’s move along and stay positive for the moment

HHH is God and Here is Why



First, I have to ask one question: what the hell was the WWE thinking when they split the roster between the two shows? On one hand, I see the benefit to the wrestlers, that they get more time to re-cooperate and get into fighting shape between shows. On the other side of the coin, however, I think that it was a dumb move by the WWE. The fans have been begging for a decent tag-team to hold the belts for quite a while, and what did the WWE do? They split apart two of their biggest fan-favorites: the Dudleys and the Acolytes. Of the four men, the only one who has managed to make any sort of a name for himself is Bubba Ray Dudley, and that has been because he has teamed himself up with Trish Stratus. This situation needs to be remedied.

As for Trish Stratus, I have to admit that her continued progress has been very impressive. She went from having “cat-fight” matches to having a large repetoire of wrestling moves. Kudos to Trish!

Finally, I have to, as always, comment on my beloved Triple H. Granted, his opponent this week, Spike Dudley, wasn’t much of a threat, but I still loved watching him do his thing. The King called it, “showing his wares to the fans” just wish I could see the “wares”! (Sorry, Flea, but you know how utterly and completely in love I am with Trip!) It was also really nice to hear the fans chanting for Trip during the match. So, my internet naysayers, if Trip is so bad and is hurting the WWE so much, why are there so many Triple H signs in the stands? Why do the fans chant his name when he’s being a heel? You can’t honestly believe that the fans in the stadium are all so stupid that they’re just buying what the WWE sells them! Could it be, just maybe, that Trip isn’t as bad as the majority of you internet people want us all to believe? How could Trip possibly be ruining the WWE when it’s quite apparent that, despite his bad boy image, the fans love him? Of course, I understand that not every single fan likes him and that everyone is entitled to their opinions but now you guys are just being ignorant, blind and deaf. Watch a show, and it’s evident that the fans love him. It seems to me that the IWC is just stuck on one whipping boy: what’s funny is that I thought that you guys were supposed to monitor and/or care what the fans like. I guess that went out the window, no doubt with just a tish of jealousy!

Apologies again, Flea, for getting off track. Everyone knows I’m a troublemaker and no doubt, I’ll get tons of troubling emails in response to this!

Better you than me! I only get flamed for excessive profanity. That was TheRatDiva and you are more than welcome to let her know what you think.

If it appears as though I’m half-assing it this week you are right. I’m burnt out from Birthdays, travelling and life in general at the moment. Hey, the way I look at it is Vince and Company gave me the lousiest week of wrestling I have seen in a long, long time, so I’m not even going the extra mile of a couple swigs of moonshine to lighten the mood of this report. Besides, I have two reports to look forward to next week. Don’t worry, business will pick up here in a few minutes, I think.

HEADLINES

In a continuation of obviously psychotic behavior, Bob Holly apparently tried to get all stiff with Brock Lesnar during their match on Smackdown. What has been confirmed, I guess, is that Holly was being his usual no selling and “stiff” self, which is his calling card amonsgt the newbies. Remember when he chopped Randy Orton RIGHT IN THE THROAT? Well, Brock dropped him on his head for his trouble, in what appears to be a lack of Bob following though with the upswing and maybe just a tad of Lesnar getting tired of his crap. I thought it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Everyone else is going out of their way to make Lesnar look like a million bucks (and in return, Lesnar sells his ass off to everyone, even when he shouldn’t have to) so why is Bob playing hardball? This is how accidents happen.

Remember Nicole Bass? I do. And I never liked her segments on Stern’s show or wherever else she shows her Mongoloid she-male face. One of those places was the WWF(E) a couple of years ago when she was brought in for a couple of appearances. Since then, she has claimed abuse and harassment occurred while she was there and has been in litigation against the company pretty much since that time. According to the usual scores, as well as an article I read in the paper, here is her story (and my predicted verdict of said charges)

The Brooklyn Brawler (a rumored homosexual, or is that fact now? I forget) grabbed what could be loosely referred to as Nicole’s “breast”, although “breasts” on that beast in a very vague term. Note: this happened on an airplane

  • Flea’s Verdict – DISMISSED on the grounds that Brawler was probably displaced by airplane turbulence and maybe “happened” to bump into her. No way he did that with malicious intent. Unless he was drunk and thought it was some dude in drag.

Bass was called a “He” by HBK and had to take part in general shenanigans of the DX flavored RAW episodes going on back then.

  • Flea’s verdict: DISMISSED on the grounds that it was an angle and Shawn was just being Shawn. Hell, he kissed HHH and disclosed to the world that Bret had “Sunny Days” so I think it’s the price Nicole pays for being in the spotlight. At least she didn’t have to kiss Vince’s ass on TV.

Bass got hurt when she took a guitar shot from a “non-gimmicked” guitar.

  • Flea’s verdict: DISMISSED on the grounds that a real guitar shot crippled one of the greatest performers in wrestling history, Jake Roberts. He got over it. Well, not really, but I don’t recall him crying the blues about it in court.

Bass received “unwanted sexual advances” from the boys while changing in the female workers’ locker room

  • Flea’s verdict: DIS – well, this one might hold water. I’m assuming that certain members of the male locker room that “go the other way” could have mistaken her for a well toned man and might have wanted some booty love. However, after seeing that she was NOT a man, changed their minds.

So there you have it. 3 dismissed and one “maybe” depending of the depravity of deviant behavior. My suggestion is that Vince just offers her free passes to The World and a permanent job at the club as a sideshow freak. Beats her having to “apartment wrestle” for dough.

And just a quick comment about the mainstream media’s coverage of the Billy and Chuck nuptials – Tony Kornheiser is an idiot. Coming in the next few weeks on Page Six will be Flea’s look at the modern day “sports commentator”, why Dick Schaap and Howard Cosell were God among men and the useless drivel that passes as “expert opinion” these days. Stay tuned.

Speaking of expert opinions .

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In his latest Ross Report, Good Ol goes old school on us and starts off with some injury news. Bradshaw and Sean O Haire? Out. But Jazz is feeling better as is Rhyno; both are expected to makes the respective returns in a over the next few months.

JR says: This week perhaps set the all-time record for yours truly in receiving negative e-mails from passionate fans about a variety of television issues. Made me feel like I had P.O.’d an ex-wife and the alimony check had bounced.

Welcome to the Internet Wrestling Community., JR. But please don’t publish Bob Ryder’s phone number.

JR brings up the fact that he is not in the prime 18-34 year old target demographic and that “people” are saying the business has passed him by and maybe he should step aside. My opinion is that he just call them damn matches and throw Lawler off the staging area.

Nothing new with Scott Steiner or Goldberg. JR advice is to quit spreading false rumors.

JR ponders: By the way, what ever happened to the OLD TNN?

Ummm Ralph Emery died. I think.

ROLL THE DICE

Over on the newsline BOSS has me cracking up. In the story about the Un-Americans and their alleged heat with Vinnie Mac, BOSS says “toed the line” ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha aha ha ha TOED! TOED! Jeez, BOSS, why didn’t you just say TOAD! T-O-W-E-D. But that’s much better than Hashish and his ending everything with a preposition. Grammar lesson over and there ain’t much to that there story cept the Canadians wanted heightened security at MSG and Vince said no way.

And for all of youse X-Pac fans, you will be happy to know that he is now an active member of the NWA-TNA roster! In fact, he’s heavily rumored to be at the next PPV show! So heavily rumored, in fact, that I think they just came out and said that Pac and Hall would be on the next program. Good for him and good for everyone!

PAGE SIX

Thanks again for joining me oops forgot to plug people

IN OTHER WORDS

I’m not plugging anything have to do with E.C. Ostermeyer this week. Why? I don’t know! I just don’t feel like telling you that his Byte This Report will be around this weekend. So too bad for him!

HEY! GRUT has a new column up and I think I’ll read it. Later. Hey GRUT! A Poem? I said I wanted a RIDDLE, you punk! A RIDDLE! Not a poem! But thanks again.

Don’t forget 411 Music!

PAGE SIX

Thanks again for joining me! In an odd change of pace, I think I will go just a tad (BOSS said “toed the line” ha ha ha ha haha ha ha) negative to close things out this week. It takes quite a bit to bum me out with this wrestling stuff, but they managed to do it this week. So be it. Behave yourselves next week and remember – if someone throws a bucket of shit at you, close your eyes and mouth.

Sometimes I really do not know what to think. For anyone who has reads (or has read) my columns here at 411, the common thread through all of them is my positive outlook on the shows, wrestling and life in general. Negativity and bitching on the net by wrestling fans seems to be as common as a newborn duck taking to water and most of it is overblown by miscreants who think the wrestling universe would be a perfect place if Benoit was champion, Rock disappeared forever and HHH was taken out back and shot. All of these are arguable points, of course, depending on your perspective and / or personal tastes, which is fine. I put about as much stock into what the “experts” have to say about wrestling as I do to the supposed “professional drinkers” that attempt to convince me that Absolute Vodka is better for the soul than Grey Goose – which is I just laugh and ignore. However, there are times where everyone comes together in agreement on certain topical issues and this happens to be one of them – The HLA angle from RAW, Lawler’s antics, the “low” rating, the disgust portrayed by television executives and the fallout that is occurring in Stamford, Connecticut.

Now then, I’m not going to be like the rest of the “cool” guys on the web and preface my statements with “I have ABSOLUTELY no problem with lesbians”. That statement (which I have seen in 99% of the columns or comments addressing this issue) never fails to crack me up. It is as if their masculinity is in question if they speak in a negative light about the topic. Kinda like telling a racist or gay joke but then immediately following up with “Oh, but I have black/spanish/polish/amish/homosexual/cow screwing/redneck./white trash/lezbo/arabic/jewish/ friend so it’s “okay” that “I’m” telling the joke. Why is it felt that your comments will be taken any more seriously because you decided to tell me how much you love lesbians and in any other circumstance, other than the sacred wrestling environment, you would be all over it like a flies on picnic food?

So none of that here. I couldn’t care less about lesbians at this point in my life – it’s all “been there done that”. The thrill is gone as far as watching two women pantomime supposed lust for each other, even if their intentions are actually Sapphic. Outside of maybe a porno flick all this “lesbian chic” that has found it’s way into modern society is just boring. Oh yeah, the crowd popped and I’m sure that all the people who have no problems admitting that they are “just ABSOLUTELY fine” with the scene were no doubt sprouting wood while making sure the record button was pressed, just in case the need to slow-mo the pending Hot Lesbian Action would come up later in the evening. But for me, the whole thing is just one big pile of manure masquerading itself as “hip”, when all bets were off for any kind of lesbian thrill after Hollywood got involved (i.e. Rosie and Ellen), making “coming out of the closet” the “in” thing. Hot lesbians are supposed to thrill me? All this talk about forbidden love is supposed to make me care and not watch football? Watching two girls make out just flat out bores me. Especially when the aforementioned “payoff” (chicks really doing some nasty stuff to each other) just is not going to happen.

Someone thought this would be a winner of an idea. Imagine that person’s (people’s) shock when, outside of knee-jerk reactions, no one really cared? The payoff to the angle was Rosie and Jamal running in a clobbering the skanks. Hell, I liked that payoff, just because I think the “three minutes” gimmick is a hoot. However, it is getting to the point where it’s getting beat into the ground and the two behemoths need to be more than just “three minutes of fame” each show. Going back to last week and the Fed’s interest in what us commoners have to say about the product – my advice would be to change Rosie’s name to Juan. That way there catch phrase after their Pearl Harborings can be –

If you’ve seen JUAN, you’ve seen JAMAL!

Moving right along with the same theme but a different show, Rosie and Jamal, Bischoff and the three minutes gimmick was the payoff to the Greatest Angle You’ll Ever See Transpire (G.A.Y.E.S.T). Sho nuff, the nuptials betwixt Billy and Chuck took a turn for the worse when the Preacher Man blashpemised the good name of the Lord in a way not seen since the vocal styling of Dusty Springfield. The Preacher was Bisch and naturally, Billy and Chuckles got the beat laid down to them. So much for that angle and the cheap press Vince and the gang attempted to milk. To me, this whole sexual fixation with lesbians and same sex marriages and the need for WWE to make the press rounds trumpeting the most recent Smackdown episode did not reek of desperation. It did not enlighten, offend, enrage or even make me care about the shows anymore than I already do. To me, this was Vince McMahon’s way of putting the final nail in the coffin of “kayfabe” as he has finally gone all the way and shifted from the admission that wrestling is “predetermined” to just out and out saying “okay – we have to actors here and they are going to portray a gay couple, just like you see on any other show. Up until this time there was still the ability to suspend disbelief, at least in some sense. Yes, I know (well I can’t REALLY be certain) that Billy Gunn is not gay and neither is Chuck. However, the gay antics do work well and make for some good entertainment, especially with the one liners like “man, my legs sure are tired from walking all weekend” right after the “Gay Pride” march-a-thons. But for Vince to cart two of his wrestlers around and basically admit point blank that “it’s all for show” just turns my stomach and, quite frankly, makes me feel stupid for even investing more than a passing thought into what McMahon is attempting to pass off as “Sports Entertainment.” Right now, Vince has a collection of “wrestlers” who can entertain. He is obviously going for (and may have passed) the point of no return and wants “entertainers” who may get around to wrestling every now and then. To me that is indefensible and it is getting to the point that what should be a blissful heaven of angles and solid wresting action has now turned into something I really couldn’t care less about watching. I have a great ability to turn most things into a positive – but I draw the line when it becomes too much of a hassle. I’m not sure if I have reached that point yet, but it’s quite possible I’m closer to it than I have been in over 25 years of watching Professional Wrestling.

But it’s probably just the fact that I’m a homo for not caring about lesbians and a homophobe for not caring about an arranged for television “same sex marriage”. If no one else will assume responsibility for the lecherous fantasies of an egomaniacal, insecure old man and tell him that he’s nothing more than a wrestling promoter, then I will take the blame for not being “hip” to his total destruction of wrestling as I know and love it. Just do me a favor and stop having WWE Superstars calling my house the day before a PPV with the pre-recorded hard sell. If you attempt to sell me on the PPV with a buildup of gay and lesbian shenanigans, a promo by the Undertaker is not going to change my mind.

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.

FLEA is an Inside Pulse Original in every sense of the word, from his unique style and viewpoint. You can send any feedback to ryderfakin@yahoo.com, or just type it the comment box below. also but follow FLEA on Twitter @ryderfakin.