A Wrestling News Report 9.19.02


I expected to be called a faggot for sticking up for GLAAD, but I didn’t expect it to be so few people. The majority of you who responded might have disagreed with me, but your respect for the issue proved to me that there is the possibility of acceptance for a homosexual face. It’s nice to know that my readers respect the choices of other people. By the way, one kid who took it too far was Blitzburg1@aol.com. I don’t want you guys to bombard him with e-mail, I’m just looking for info on the guy in case you know him and wouldn’t mind selling him out. He could be in very big trouble for what he wrote to me, and I’m not sure if I want to make an example out of a kid who’s probably in high school and doesn’t know any better. So good or bad, send me info on the kid. It’s funny, I told him I was sending his gay bashing in to GLAAD, and he said that he’d like the challenge. I don’t know if that’s guts or stupidity. I have no idea what morals he’s standing up for.

By the way, I never get this mad at hate mail so long as the grammar is at least passable. “I think your really a Catholic Priest, Now I’m done.” Come on, Blitzen. Learn to wirte.

Yes, that was intentional.




Malice may be on his way to the WWE. Now I’m not Vince McMahon, but the best thing to do with Malice would be to use him a coat rack. They’ll probably push him as a monster and give him a feud with Kane or the Undertaker, but I think he’d make a fine coat rack.

The WWE is signing Nikita away from the HWA. To see hot photos of this sexy soon to be Diva, go to www.hwa.org.

Also, the WWE has signed a ring announcer named Justin Roberts. Bradshaw is practically pissing his pants in anticipation.

Also, Pat Patterson has a talent he’s endorsing for the WWE to sign. Someone has been reading my column!

Rocky Johnson is also endorsing a wrestler. The unnamed wrestler was not happy when Rocky Johnson signed his name on the wrestler’s back.

Nicole Bass’ sexual harassment lawsuit against the WWF finally began today. Originally optimistic about winning, Nicole was heart broken to discover that the WWF no longer exists. With no one left to sue, Nicole filmed an apartment video.

Chris Jericho will appear on The Best Damned Sports Show this Friday. I betcha Tom Arnold is going to be really nice about wrestling since Roseanne is such a bitch about it.

Great news! Ron Gamble isn’t panicking about the Steelers! This puts the Huzzah into Junk News Huzzah!

Rikishi and Anna Nicole Smith are going to be working together in some fashion to help the ratings for their respective shows. Can I quit now? Can I just stop this farce? That isn’t news. None of this is news. WWE, stop trying to protect your secrets. Do what WCW did once, tape all your shows for 8 months in two weeks. Let us get it all out of the way at one point so that we don’t have to scrounge for new crap every week and can instead do interesting things with our lives. We do this because we’re fans of the product, the most loyal fans you have. You’re pissing us off with poor programming, and now you’ve taken the worst person on television and decided to combined them with Rikishi. I’m going to stop here and get my thoughts together. This will be the next column I write. What, you didn’t know I wrote a column about wrestling opinions? Well, I do!

Everyone in the WWE is earning less money, except for the Rock. The WWE is still paying him millions a month to make movies. That might not be fair, but f*ck you.

Paul Heyman has taken Nidia under his wing. Why Nidia and not any of the other WWE Divas? Because Nidia seems to be attainable.

Stephanie and Vince McMahon are credited with coming up for the idea of the Billy and Chuck wedding, which means that Vince McMahon came up with the idea for the Billy and Chuck wedding.

Tonight, Goldberg will hold a no holds barred chat at his website. The no holds barred chat will be interrupted by a helicopter, out of which a large black man with the name of a Greek God will appear. “RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”


Jeff Jarrett started off the program by being attacked by a big fat guy who ate the Roaddog.

Kid Kash fought AJ Styles. While I didn’t see it, Keith says that they jumped around a lot before they hit each other. I wish real fights were like that. “Drunk guy picks up the bar stool he jumps on to the table releases the bar stool, GRABS ON TO THE CEILING FAN, CATCHES THE BAR STOOL WITH HIS FEET AND HITS THAT OTHER DRUNK GUY! What incredible action, Don West!” “Shut up.”

Buff returns as Marcus Alexander Bagwell. I’ll call him Queen MAB. Queen MAB and the guy who ate Roaddog agree to be tag team partners.

Screech fought the time keeper in a boxing match, finally bringing some credibility to the promotion.

A lot of crap happened.

Scott Hall and Sean Waltman both jobbed in the tag team tournament, which was won by Storm and Harris. This is going to be a big problem next week for NWA, as Storm was fired immediately after the match.

The Truth beat Jerry Lynn in what is thought to be a lousy match. Look, I give Ron Killings credit. The man has been through a lot and is finally living up to his potential. At the same time, I don’t really care.

Roaddog faces Jarrett next week, and Low Ki returns from his vacation with the Styches. I won’t see you there!!!!


Torrie and Rey face Nidia and Noble in an inter-gender tag team match for all the marbles. I’d like to congratulate Jaime Noble on a fine cruiserweight title run, as he is going to lose the title on Sunday to Rey. I know, because I’m from the future.

Angle continues to make malapropisms. I might not have used the big word correctly, but I used the big word.

Brock Lesnar fought John Cena as John Cena defended his right to be homosexual. That’s if I were writing for the WWE. Maybe I shouldn’t.

Edge and Rikishi fought the Guerrero Family. After the match, Anna Nicole Smith stumbles down to the ring, puts her dead husband down, and dances with Rikishi.

Stephanie and Bischoff talk about the tag team match at the PPV. I’m going to predict that Stephanie came up with the idea, and even suggested that she lose. I just don’t want to believe that Vince did that to her.

Hurricane faced off against Matt Hardy. You know what would be a funny heel bit for Matt to do? He wants his own music video, so he puts together highlights of his career, but he can’t figure out how to put music into the video. So while the video plays, he sings some sappy song. At least I think that would be funny.

Chuck and Billy (who are really, really straight) face Angle and Benoit. How better to put over your two new fan favorites then to have them job to a feuding tag team?

Undertaker and Brock Lesnar had a show down, but Matt Hardy saved the day. Way to go, Matt. You’re becoming the mid card Triple H.

Top Ten Shows on Television.

Everyone loves a top ten list, right? You can read it and disagree with me and send me your top ten list and I can tell you why you’re wrong! I won’t do too much exposition, and I just want to make it clear that I’m absolutely right about this.

1. Curb Your Enthusiasm- The best television sitcom in a long time. The show is more true to life then the Sopranos and funnier then any other show on television. At the very least, the last five minutes of each show delivers more laughs then the entire season of Sex in the City, which you will not see on this list. The show probably won’t win the emmy it’s nominated for, but it deserves to.

2. The Sopranos- Do I have to say what so many others have said before me? Nope. All I have to say is that the one or two bad episodes it has a season prevented it from being number one on the list.

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer- Comedy, drama, action, science fiction, musical numbers. No show has the complete package like Buffy does. They sure did pump out a bunch of shitty episodes last year, though.

4. The Simpsons- Yep. At the very least, it is the best syndicated show on television. I despise people who say it’s only a cartoon. They just don’t get it. They never will.

5. The Daily Show with John Stewart- I loved the show with Kilborn, but for some reason I don’t like Kilborn’s new show. I tried to give it a chance, but Conan is just so much better. Stewart outdoes the both of them with hilarious writing and the funniest supporting cast of any television show, ever. Stewart also interviews well, although with so many talk shows on television I wonder if an interview is needed.

6. The Shield- The best drama on television last year. Six Feet Under is pretty good, but The Shield was absolutely amazing, with so many powerful moments throughout the first 13 episodes. Check out Dragonslayers to see one of the best episodes on television of all time.

7. South Park- Topical, hilarious and vulgar, South Park really put out one of it’s best efforts during the new August episodes. It’s actually better without Kenny.

8. Trigger Happy TV- Okay, so 3 Comedy Central shows are on my list. They’re all that good. Trigger Happy TV is truly inspired real life meddling, unlike the annoying Tom Green Show. Dom Joly is my hero.

9. Seventh Heaven- I mostly see it in reruns and I don’t make a point of it, but it’s actually a pretty good family show. I like how the children do really terrible things, and then Dad and Mom have to deal with it. Only mom is unreasonable most of the time, and Dad is too busy solving the problems of the world to work with his own family. Somehow, they see it through, and that’s when I feel like converting to Christianity.

10. WWE Smackdown- Clearly the better of the two wrestling shows, Smackdown gives me my weekly dose of Kurt Angle. Angle is the best performer and wrestler to ever step in the ring. It still saddens me to see the WWE treating women and homosexuals like second class citizens, but I can deal with it so long as I see Eddie, Chris, Edge and Mysterio every week alongside Angle.

Also, an honorable mention goes to Who’s Line is it Anyway. I dig it.


Ron Gamble hates people who write to him. That seems to be a theme this week. That Blitzy kid really got under my skin for some reason. I guess it was the fact that he almost seemed reasonable at one point, and then plummeted into idiocy.

Good job, David Murphy. Really, good job. This is the kind of quality writing that the site needs. If this is what you produce when you think about it, don’t write a column just for the sake of having a column each week. Write one when you get the inspiration. Really, a great piece of work.

Hyatte loves his mop ups, both Raw and Nitro, and so do we.

Can you pick a single? Widro can!

Look for a commentary by Lance Storm about what he’s going to do now to pick up the pieces later this week. Good luck, Lance.

Keith recaps NWA, and Widro should have a column about the show out soon. They’d better mention us again, or all of this work will have been for nothing. Oh, and I’m kind of glad the show is failing, because it proves me right all along. It’s lasted longer then I thought it would, but it’s not making any money, so it should fold soon. I was right, you were wrong. I’m an asshole. At least I admit it.

How about I leave you with a song? Eric S. said that Fortunate Son should not have been used by Wrangler, as it is an indictment about the abuse of privilege, not a patriotic jingle. Flea said the same thing about Keep on Rocking in the Free World. I leave you with another song that was recently used in a commercial that misinterpreted it’s meaning.


It’s a beautiful world we live in

A sweet romantic place

Beautiful people everywhere

The way they show they care

Makes me want to say

It’s a beautiful world

It’s a beautiful world

It’s a beautiful world

For you, for you, for you

It’s a wonderful time to be here

It’s nice to be alive

Wonderful people everywhere

The way they comb their hair

Makes me want to say

It’s a wonderful place

It’s a wonderful place

It’s a wonderful place

For you, for you, for you

Hey. tell me what I say

Boy and girl with the new clothes on

You can shake it to me all night long

Hey hey

It’s a beautiful world we live in

A sweet romantic place

Beautiful people everywhere

The way they show they care

Makes me want to say

It’s a beautiful world

It’s a beautiful world

It’s a beautiful world

For you, for you, for you


It’s a beautiful world, for you

It’s a beautiful world, for you

It’s a beautiful world, for you

It’s a beautiful world, NOT ME

It’s a beautiful world (4 times)

It’s a beautiful, beautiful world

You really need to see the video to get the full picture, and I’d recommend checking it out. This is late enough already. Have a good day.