The Saturday Matinee News Report 09.21.02

Archive

Hello out there in cyberspace! I’m Flea and I have been forgiven. In a related topic, UNFORGIVEN is on PPV, in case you didn’t get the memo. So you know what that means don’t you! Hyatte will be around to Mop-Up the PPV. Yippie! Oh wait, he’s dead again. Nevermind. But that means you get ME for two news days here, which I’m sure at least ONE of you is tickled pink out there about the whole thing let’s tie up some loose ends here, shall we?

In case you didn’t notice, I rarely publish reader feedback or letters. I thank everyone for taking time to write to me but only under extreme circumstances do I publish individual letters. And I ain’t gonna start now. Why? Umm I don’t have an answer for that right now. That’s just the way it is.

Which brings me back to last weeks column where I pointed out that BOSS is a CLOWN for saying “toed the line” instead of “TOWED the line”, or TOAD for that matter. Man, did I get some mail on that! I forgot the Number 6 rule of Internet Wrestling Community writing. “People will overlook and no sell a joke if they have the opportunity to tell you what a dumbf*ck you are”. Not to say that everyone did that, most of the letters were quite cordial. But several of them questioned my intelligence and grammatical comprehension instead of getting the REAL STORY out of last weeks report! Know what it was????

I didn’t use ANY profanity! Fuckin A! Which was a follow-up from the prior week’s report where most of my mail axed me why I cuss so much! See, it all ties together so nice and neat! What will the theme be this week? I don’t know yet! But when you figure it out, please write me and tell me. Thanks!

Let’s get to it

TOP STORY

Just do me a favor and stop having WWE Superstars calling my house the day before a PPV with the pre-recorded hard sell. If you attempt to sell me on the PPV with a buildup of gay and lesbian shenanigans, a promo by the Undertaker is not going to change my mind.

– ME! – THE SATURDAY MATINEE, LAST WEEK

HEY! This is WWE Superstar the Undertaker! At Unforgiven I will destroy the so- called next big thing Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship! Don’t miss WWE Unforgiven this Sunday live and only on PPV!

– The Undertaker, doing the hard sell on my phone, Friday morning!

Guess I can’t say that I didn’t ask for it jeez.

That’s right folks! Unforgiven is LIVE ON PPV Sunday Night and popular opinion is the promotion for this PPV has sucked the big one. Can’t win em all, I guess. Fortunately, things really clicked on this weeks shows and the possibility of having a decent to really good PPV has increased 10 fold, at least in my eyes, after the whole HLA / Gay Wedding bullshit.

Here’s what’s happening

WWE World Title Match – Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

Set them up and watch them fall. Brock’s destruction of the remaining “top tier” continues with what hopefully will cement Brock as a killer. Do NOT look for this match to be a high flying affair, in case you were looking for something like that. Brock appears to be taking things back to a “mat work” style, meaning he is going to attempt to wear UT down to the ground. I have no problem with that and have enjoyed his squashing of opponents on Smackdown, although I have a feeling the crowd will have a few “boring” chants, but that’s only because they don’t know any better. If you are looking for a point of reference, think back to UT’s match against Ken Shamrock a few years back, or even the one with Austin, where they threw out the punching and kicking in lieu of some dreaded PSYCHOLOGY. It’s funny. Because people complain all the time about wanting some “wrestling” but when it happens, the competitors are met with a yawn and general non response. So be it. I’ll be digging this match just for the ramifications – Brock killed Hogan, knocked rock-E’s “face” off (there is a joke there if you think about it) and most likely will pummel UT. Good for him and good for what was formerly known as the Undisputed Belt. I’m just hoping they keep the belt on him all winter and do a super build up with Angle for WrestleMania, as is rumored. I’m also thinking how cool it will be if we get some “internal bleeding” and a heel beatdown after word. I do not really care to see Sara Taker, but she will probably show what can be loosely considered as her face sometime during this match.

World Heavyweight Title Match – Triple H vs. Rob Van Dam

Did any of what H said the other night sink in? RVD is NOT Championship material. So sayeth H. The buildup has been comical to say the least, as anytime RVD gets near a mic, it’s trouble. The burnout just can’t speak. I have never really wished for Fonzie to show his one-toothed face in WWE, but if RVD cuts another promo like he did Monday, I just may petition Vince on Fonzie’s behalf myself. Anyway, the match should be the normal RVD – a thon, complete with all the high falutin “unorthodoxness” that normally transpires when MR PPV is given more than 20 minutes. And as much as all you H haters hate to admit it, he will be the one that carries this match, not the other way around. And for all you RVD fans – think back to what HBK did last PPV (even with a crippled back) and that’s how it’s done. No more of this RVD is the next HBK crap, it ain’t happening. I think I’ll be into this match, if only because the outcome is in jeopardy much moreso than the other championship bout. Not to mention Monday will be fun if H wins and everyone starts crying again how he’s holding people down and such .bleh.

Speaking of which

WWE Intercontinental Title Match – Some Other Guy vs. Ric Flair

I stole this from BOB’s site a review of Guy on the radio

“Jericho suggests that internet analysts are misinformed if they believe he is being buried. He feels comfortable moving around on the card and pointed out that he is in the main event on Raw and at most house shows. To further illustrate his point, he has even has suggested that he lose some of his matches. “I’m kind of bullet-proof,” he said. “It doesn’t matter if I win or lose. I’m one victory away from being the champion again and everyone would believe it.”

SO THERE! STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH! HE IS NOT GETTING BURIED! AND EVEN IF HE WAS, HE DOESN’T CARE. DROP THE ISSUE!

Damn. Speaking of burials, what he heck is with Flair? Oh, see, he CAN lose and is still a legend. And he will probably lose here, because Some Other Guy needs his win back from the last PPV and that’s how politics works. Still feel “smart”?

HLA vs. Butt-Kissing Match – Billy & Chuck vs. Rosie & Jamal

Here’s the payoff for 3 minutes and the Greatest Angle You’ll Ever See Transpire. One of these teams we have never seen wrestle. Will the crowd be into this match? Will Stephanie and Bischoff be involved? Will everyone who is trying to figure out the proper political context of this match finally just shut the f*ck up? If you answered “yes”, “yes” and “no, because as much as we hate to admit it the tension between Stephanie and Bischoff is rolling right along and should make for an interesting week of wrestling regardless of the outcome”. And really – why do you care if Billy and Chuck go back to Velocity? The only reason the net crowd is behind them right now is for sheer reasons of martyrdom. Let’s just make monsters out of Rosie and Jamal and squash the midcarders back to oblivion. And like I said(!) last week, change Rosie’s name to Juan.

Because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal! HA HA HA HA HA! That was funnier last week, I think.

USA vs. Canada 8 Man Tag – Booker T, Goldust, Kane, Bubba Ray Dudley vs. The Un-Americans

This reminds me of something. Like I’ve seen this before, which I believe is déjà vu. (Austin?Shamrick?Hawk?Animal?Harts?Pillman? I can’t place it. I say they will play this one strictly for comedy, with spinnarooneys, Goldust ball shots, Bubba dancing and Christian crying like a baby. I also say they should just go ahead and give the UnAmericans the victory and then have the REAL blowoff at Survivor Series. If GRUT were here he would say that Storm should be fired. Should be some good entertainment, however.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit

Okay, now is the time when all you fine folks put your money where your mouth is. How may times have you heard this statement:

“Just give me Benoit and Angle on PPV and that alone would be worth the $30”

Well, here you go. You have absolutely no reason NOT to buy this PPV, except for lack of following through on your convictions, statements and promises to a certain Internet Community. Unless you don’t have cable PPV access. “OH HYATTE! The rabbit ears do not appear to be working! Could you please stick your tongue in the light socket?” HAW! Buildup for this match was short and sweet, which is no problem for these two. I don’t know about “match of the year” (I think HBK should have those honors, just by default) but this is a match that will rock the cashbar. Benoit is getting back in form after his return from injury and Angle has not been able to do wrong in what seems like forever. As stated above, this match is the “workrate freak” darling so if you were one of the people that made the statement above, here is YOUR match. See? Vince stills loves us!

I think there is also supposed to be a Women’s match between Trish and Molly, and no one can seem to confirm whether or not Rey Rey is going to wrestle. So even though the buildup was a little lax, it looks to me that Vince and the Gang have another one of those “on paper” winner of a PPV. Are you going to order? I’m gonna have to – the Undertaker called me!

HEADLINES

Dave (yes, him..not the smart one) continues to beat a dead horse and is reporting that HHH continues to be looking out for numero uno and people on RAW are getting sick of it. However, they are afraid to say anything “on record” for fear that because H is banging Steph and Vince would probably fire their asses if they spoke up. Go ahead and speak up, you bunch of ninnies. If in fact, H is as deceptive and manipulative as you say, why don’t you speak your minds on the record? Have a little bit of courage and stand up for yourselves instead of talking behind everyone’s back and spreading rumors to Internet Reporters and Dirtsheet writers. Or maybe this whole thing is all made up. I’m sick of hearing it. “HHH has so much power, he is only out to make himself look good” ah, all of you are a big bunch of crybabies. That includes everyone.

A quick follow – up to the Nicole Bass story from last week. It has gone to trial and Vince showed why the court system doesn’t scare him – he just walked right in, said Bass had a “unique look” but “two left feet” and to paraphrase, sucked so they got rid of her. According to Vince, she’s just looking to “smear” the good name of WWE. I don’t know about all that, but I did have a bet that Vince would use the words “niggardly” or “faggots”. Guess he was on his best behavior that day.

And in a real funny story, it appears that Good Ol JR is trying to worm his way out of RAW and onto SmackDown. That ain’t right, in my opinion. All these years JR crowed about how great RAW is and when things get a little rough, he takes the “rat deserting a sinking ship” approach. Naturally, people blame this all on HHH, but EVERYONE knows JR has the REAL power and ain’t just some Okie how happened to hit pay dirt. I have given up hope that all of this stuff is “angles” and “swerves” but I can’t understand why JR would even try to rock the boat on this issue. How are we supposed to buy into the “feuding brands” when the announcers won’t even take the time to support the product. And that’s why I give Cole and Tazz all the credit in the world at the moment – sure, they still have moments of awkwardness, but anyone with half a brain can see their improvement, which is reaching the point of overshadowing JR and Lawler. Which is a good thing, I think. You know, it’s been almost a year since everyone was so happy about Lawler returning and now his act is more stale than month old bread. JR’s too.But hey, if he wants to do a little power play and break up the Tazz/Cole team, more power to him. Just pass the blame along to that Big Nosed asshole who is banging the Boss’s daughter. Everyone else does.

Moving along but staying on topic

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In his latest Ross Report, JR cries the blues about a hectic schedule, but does mention that he would not trade life in the big city for anything in the world! Except maybe a good excuse not to have to testify in the Nicole Bass trial (looks like someone got a subpeona! Har har har!)

JR: Random thoughts, personal opinion and some basically useless information…

See folks, that’s what I’m talking about with this guy. No pride in his work and basically a shitty attitude. No wonder the f*cking product is in the toliet. Here is your front line announcer (basically the voice of RAW) not to mention a widely read Internet columnist and he can’t even sell his own column with any enthusiasm. Or maybe I’m reading too much into that, JR says us Internet types do that. And f*ck you too. Didn’t know I wasn’t good enough for a little conversation. Maybe some people will kiss your ass, but not me. Fuck off.

Oops, just had to get that out of my system. Anyway, JR does his standard “rebuilding phase” spiel and mention that his friends tell him “Smackdown is a little easier to follow” man I could get some mileage out of that statement but JR has a free pass for the moment AH SHIT HE BROUGHT UP THE FACT THAT FUCKING SMACKDOWN IS EDITED AGAIN! God, this guy is a dick. HEYMAN writes a better program and the show has energy, you..you eh. Fuck him. JR had say so in how the talent was allocated when the “brand” extended. Sour grapes.

Let’s move along

ROLL THE DICE

Stone Cold Steve Austin has a trail date set for 10.0.02 and it still ain’t none of our business, GRUT.

God, this feels like I’m in bizzaro world right now. I have read for the past couple of days stories and rumors about how “long hair” is now “out” and “short hair” is now “in”. Namely, Test and Christian are the primary offenders. Hello! It’s WRESTLING not a f*cking fashion show with gay models! Long hair is a trademark for some of the wrestlers and most folks wouldn’t look right with the long locks lopped off. I’m hoping this is just one of the Torch’s stupid rumors because this is getting ridiculous.

IN OTHER WORDS

Rivett has a TAKE, E.C. sells us STEAK and Raywat Deonandan has a name only a mother could love. And some reader feedback, too. Check em out.

PAGE SIX

Tune in for the PPV tomorrow and be SURE to come back and see me, Flea on Monday as I sit in for Hyatte while he undoubtedly has something better planned. See you then and here is a little something from my archives for all of you “older” readers, i.e. the ones BORN before the eighties!

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don’t play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he’s sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn’t fight this feeling any longer. I asked him “What’s love got to do with it?” He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love – asta la vista, baby. I thought “I can’t go for that – no can do! Bring me a higher love!” I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean – she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna – her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! … no answer. Nobody told me there’d be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend’s girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn’t found what she’s looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said “I thought you were Jessie’s girl.” She said “Don’t you want me? You don’t have to put on the red light – I’m on my own.” What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She’s a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I’d have the time of my life.

I wasn’t about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper’s delight, i heard a voice say “Who can it be now?” “Here I am, the one that you love”, I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said “Rock me Amadeus!” Well, I felt it was my perogative to bust a move. I told her “I’ll tumble for ya!” as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. “Turn around bright eyes!” said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin’ tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings – broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time’s sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. “You don’t owe me money for nothing!” he snarled. At this point I was livin’ on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife – how it seems that every rose has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

This has been The Saturday Matinee and I’m Flea.

FLEA is an Inside Pulse Original in every sense of the word, from his unique style and viewpoint. You can send any feedback to ryderfakin@yahoo.com, or just type it the comment box below. also but follow FLEA on Twitter @ryderfakin.