RULES FOR VIDEO REVIEWERS
Except for Scott Keith. He makes his own rules AND THEN BREAKS THEM!
First of all, you know when you talk about psychology and all that good stuff we don’t see anymore? Watch an episode of Smackdown. There is plenty of psychology in the Angle, Edge, Benoit, Mysterio and Eddie series. If the match you’re reviewing had great psychology, just say it had great psychology.
The star system was around before Keith, and it will be around afterwards. However, if you’re not Keith, stop using the word DUD! 0, zero stars, CRAP, and any other words symbolizing terribleness are perfectly acceptable. Also, try to stay away from negative stars. It’s very hard to do worse then zero.
For the love of God, a maximum of three exclamation points.
Also, how about a listing of the criteria you’re going to use to rate matches at the beginning of the review? You only need to write one and save it somewhere. Otherwise, people like me might think you’re pulling these ratings out of your ass.
There are others, but these will do it for now. Wow. It really looks like I’m groping for stuff to complain about.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Randy Orton was injured on Raw. Great! Just when the WWE is about to produce the savoir of mankind, he goes down with a shoulder injury. Now we’re going to have to invade Iraq. I blame God.
Lillian Garcia will premier her new single, Shout, at the WWE Smackdown party. Lillian, I wish you a lot of luck in your music career, but I have some advice for you when you perform. Remember to shout. SHOUT!
There is still complaining going on backstage about Triple H. To all of the WWE complainers, let it all out!
Man, I got a blister! These are the things I can do without.
I’d like more response for my column. Come on! I’m talking to you! Come on!
Good luck, Lillian. Don’t cry because you’re scared. No tears for fears.
The WWE only make thirty thousand dollars for a thirty second spot on Smackdown. Only thirty thousand dollars! People, send what you can to the WWE front office. They need your help.
By the way, to everyone who reported the story about how little money Smackdown was making for commercials in comparison to Friends, think about the merchandise. Think about the money made from live events. The WWE has sources of income that Friends doesn’t have.
In other news, Matt Le Blanc will be playing a soldier in drag in his next film, while the Rock will be starring in a movie called Hellderado. Look for them both to be appearing in Fox’s Celebrity Boot Camp 8 in three years.
TNN failed to make the top ten cable networks list. Next week on RAW, Jerry Lawler will talk about what a pussy Steve Irwin is.
Raw did a 3.6 rating this week off of two hours of 3.6. This is terrible news for the numbers 3.5 and 3.7, who are currently challenging the results.
NWA:TNA premiers on Cablevision tonight. I might just do a NON-STOP DRUNKEN RECAP! Just a warning, I will insult the company to the point of seeming like a complete asshole, even if it’s the best show ever. I will do this because I want NWA:TNA to fail to justify my saying this was a horrible, horrible idea. I have no other motivation in hating the show. It is purely selfish, and what is worse, I have nothing to gain from feeling this way. The livelihoods of many men and women are on the line here, and I am rooting for them to all lose their steady jobs. WHY? WHY CAN’T I LET THIS GO!
On the show tonight, Lo Ki will fight the world champion, The Truth!
Do I promise what?
That Lo Ki will fight the champion?
Yes, The Truth.
I believe you. Lo Ki is fighting the champion.
Yes, that’s The Truth!
I know! You’re an honest person. Why would you lie to me that Lo Ki is fighting the champ? Who is the champion?
Yes, God kills things everyday because he has to, but that’s not what I asked.
I KILL YOU!
Razor Ramon, the 1-2-3 Kid and the Roadie face Double J, Grandmaster, and Elix Skipper in the main event. Man, it’s like the under card of an early In Your House, but with Elix Skipper!
Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett, Hardcore Holly, Hurricane Helms, and Jesse James. You know what they all have in common? They all pale in comparison to Hunter Hearst Helmsly.
Just watch Smackdown. It’s going to be an incredible show. You don’t need a preview, and to be honest with you, I don’t really want to have it spoiled anymore. It’s odd, but during their worst business slide of pretty much all time, the WWE is putting on its best television shows ever. I honestly can’t think of a way to improve it, besides taking the title off of Lesnar and throwing it into the Angle, Benoit, Edge and Eddie mix. It’s like with the X-Title NO! I HATE THAT PROMOTION! I HATE IT!
By the way, Scott? Stop talking about Kane and how much he sucks. I mean, if Jericho had won, would you have complained about us seeing Jericho vs. Triple H again? The simple truth of the matter is that Kane deserves his main event status. His character work has been exemplary as of late, and he’s delivering a positive message to every high school nerd who gets called a freak. He’s telling them not to worry when they when they shove you into a locker and pour in a bucket of their piss through those holes in the top. When they make fun of you for having to date that fat, ugly girl who is the only person who is nice to you, and you get so ashamed that you have to break up with her. When they get one of their girlfriends to ask you to the prom, only to once again pour a bucket of their piss on you, this time mixed with feces, in front of the whole class, causing you to lie on the dance floor hall and sob like a baby while the gym coach, wearing his faded blue tuxedo, grimaces in disgust and tries to hose you down with the seltzer dispenser. KANE’S TELLING YOU IT’S COOL TO BE A FREAK!
Oh. No, none of that happened to me. I was Vice-President of my Student Government in high school. Where do you think VPJG came from? I might not have been the most popular kid in school, but I had friends. I was talking about Scott Keith.
I’m kidding, Scott! Man, have a sense of humor about the Ã¢â‚¬ËœCarrie’ incident.
Batista is in line for a major push, and has filmed several vignettes to accompany the push. Is the world ready for the first openly transsexual WWE superstar? Well, I know one reader of my column who is. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Some people are SO lucky I’m not Hyatte.
Junk news. Hush up.
READ THESE COLUMNS, YOU SHEEP!
Do I even need to plug Hyatte’s Mop-Up retrospectives for Raw and Nitro? Well, I will anyway. In fact, I’ll write a little tribute to him.
Hyatte’s Mop-Up changed the way the Internet wrote about wrestling. Before the Mop-Up, most of the Internet Wrestling Scene treated wrestling like it was the most important thing in the world. Anyone who made fun of wrestling was ignorant. It could be criticized to death, but to joke about it was pushing it too far. Sure, there were Ã¢â‚¬Ëœparodies’, but they were all in good fun. Then the Mop-Up came along. Hyatte worked a different style then CRZ or Scott Keith. He blasted everyone and everything, discussed pop culture and referred to past pop culture in a WRESTLING COLUMN! GOD FORBID! The jokes he told made us laugh and cringe, and I think he offended all of us at one point or the other. I was one of the many to write to him to tell him I would never read his work again, and I was right back there next week, reading to see what he’d say next.
His And Another Things proved that he is one of the best writers on the Internet, not just in the Internet Wrestling Scene. His Midnight News changed the way that most news reports were written, and I’m pretty proud that I actually have my name on a couple of the last Midnight News issues. His fiction writing that I’ve read confirms that he has the potential to be a major voice in American Literature if he can get the right connections.
Chris Hyatte is one of my three favorite writers, and the other two are J.D. Salinger and Thomas Wolfe. I can’t think of a higher compliment then that. Now go read his Jew jokes.
Also, Chris, lay off of CRZ and Bitchfactor. I know we’re supposed to have site pride and everything, but who gives a crap what his girlfriend said on a message board about our music section?
By the way, go to the 411 Music Section! Hey, I went to a free White Stripes concert because someone posted it was going to happen there. If it’s pathetic, color me someone who’s grateful we have such a pathetic section.
Want to hire Ron Gamble? Well, he posted his resume. I can’t wait to see Brock Lesnar talk about what a great influence Jesus has had on his life.
Scott reviews HULK STILL RULES! He says that we should buy it for all of the extra matches, but all of the extra matches apparently suck.
“What shall we do, Nagungo?” “YOU ARE NAGUNGO NOW!Ã¢â‚¬Â In the figures section, check out the new Simpsons stuff. I didn’t, but I assume it involves a bloody glove and some pez dispensers.
I’ve made a decision. We’re going for it. We’re doing the drunken NWA thing.
Armed with a 40 of Coors Light and a 40 of Old English, I begin to prepare for my first NWA:TNA experience at 7:57.
At 7:58, I have downed a third of the bottle of Coors Light. To my friends and relatives, I apology for giving these hicks my money. I only hope my words here can prevent others from following in my footsteps. Tell Jen I love her.
8:00. Nothing has happened. Maybe my tv is on the fritz? If so, thank you, blessed television. I feel like I have been given a reprieve.
8:01. Still, nothing on. Maybe I should call the cable company.
8:02 and still nothing. I’m calling the cable company.
8:05. They still have me on hold. They have this terrible latin music on.
8:10. It’s on. Something is happening, and another black guy has joined Jeff Jarrett and his friends, and Scott Hall didn’t show up, so it’s 4 on 2. Until Scott Hall shows up. The fans are chanting TNA. I take a long drink.
8:11. Mike Tenay looks old. His friend looks like Tony Schiavone when Schiavone was trying to look cool.
8:12. Shark Boy vs. The Amazing Red. Shark Boy looks so f*cking stupid that I take another drink. They do a screen in screen so we can see Elix Skipper complaining. Thank you, TNA. Meanwhile, the X boys are jumping around until Sharkboy hits a neck breaker and the fans chant TNA. Shark Boy with a missile dropkick. The Amazing Red is body pressed outside, and the idiots chant TNA until it means absolutely nothing to me. God, these f*cking idiots are trying to make this seem like ECW. The Amazing Red hit’s a pretty good jumpy over the top rope and flip and land on Shark Boy type move. Shark Boy with a top rope Jackhammer that gets two. Elix Skipper says someone is going to feel his wrath tonight when he goes home to his wife with no money. Elix must be a fan of Steve Austin. The Amazing Red with a really cool winning move, and then a flip pin for the win. Elix Skipper decides Red needs a beating. Then Skipper beats up a security guard, but no one f*cks with the head of security. Two thirds of the first 40 are gone.
8:21. The girls dance in cages for a lack of something better to do.
8:22. Recap of the Truth and Jerry Lynn, who looks old. I’m going to smoke a cigarette and take another drink. The X-Title looks pretty cool, actually.
8:24. I interupt my smoke because Low Ki or Lo Ki is talking. He sounds pretty tough but speaks like an idiot. He’s my best friend, you know.
8:25. ARE THEY CHANTING GO HOME NIGGER? No. It’s go home Yankee. Good. The Truth is pretty intense. Lo Ki comes out after being called out. Instead of getting up or rolling out of the ring, The Truth gets on his knees and lets Lo Ki kick him in the head. Lo Ki gets thrown into the safety rail and the idiots chant TNA. After all, it was so extreme. They take it to the crowd. There are the girls in cages. There’s a bug in my room. It’s too quick for me. I’ll have to out smart it. Nope, it’s too smart for me. Got it! I think. The Truth is kicking Lo Ki. There’s an overrated chant for The Truth. ARE YOU LISTENING, WIDRO AND ASHISH? In the year 2007, The Truth will be wondering what the hell happened as he baby sits one of his baby’s momma’s kids. The Truth dances before missing a kick. Lo Ki hits all of his kicks, but The Truth hits some kind of move. Some terrible looking submission move. Boy, why won’t they mention 411 again? That would bring us like 5 more hits. The Truth carries Lo Ki around, does a crotch movement, then power slams him. I kill the first 40 exactly 40 minutes after I started drinking. Wow. I hesitantly open the Olde English. It’s foaming up. The Truth hits some terrible move. I won’t describe it. I’m making a lot more typos then you’re reading. Lo Ki has the dragon on, but The Truth fights out of it. Lo Ki with a kick with the Truth on the top rope, but the Truth fights out of the superplex and instead hit’s the True Conviction of the tope rope. Is it hit’s or hits? The computer keeps making it hits. The Truth wins. A big fat guy in a white hooded sweatshirt attacks The Truth. Who’s a big fat white guy with a problem with the Truth? I DON’T KNOW ANY BIG FAT GUYS IN NWA TNA! I DON’T! I take another drink at the ring announcers not knowing who Jesse James is.
8:43. He come the SAT’s. They’re Spanish. Here come the Flying Elvises. I take a drink. Old English is disgusting. I need another smoke. You guys ever think about what would happen if the Nazi’s won? Think they would have remember all that gold they left in Sweden? Hey! Instead of Nazi gold, let’s call it Nago. Or Zild. Up to you. I don’t like Nald or Gozi. Actually, I kind of like Gozi. It reminds me of Gonzo. Speaking of which, this match is BONZO GONZO! Actually, it’s lousy. Winner of this match gets a tag team title match next week. I’M THERE WILL BELLS ON MY BALL! That way you’ll hear them ring when I’m coming. HAHAHA! Get it? Cumming, coming? Forget it. Jor-El reverses a DDT. Sonny Siaki comes out to let it be known to me what he looks like. Good look. Lionsault by one of them on another. I really don’t know their names. I need to pee, but I’ll wait till the end of the match. Pin is broken up by someone. I must pee now. The show is still on. Damnit! Oh. The Amazing Reds win. I mean the SAT’s. Whoops.
8:52. The imprissioned women dance. Sure, why not.
8:53. Hilarious stuff as Jerry Lynn attacks Soni Siaki, and AJ Styles shows up to hold Jerry back. However, no one is holding Siaki back, so Siaki kicks the shit out of Jerry while AJ implores him to stop. Jerry is throw in a box.
8:55. David Young comes out to fight Sony Siaki. I take another sip of Olde Englesh. I’ll try to make it a long one this time. That’s really disgusting. I take another. David Young does an Asaid Springthing Moonsault. I’ll call him Dang. And I’ll call the other Sosi. Is Sosi Japanese or Afircan American? This match is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Or I’m lying. Either way. Let me ask you all a very important question. Okay? Look, I like this girl Jen. She’s a cool girl. We have a lot in common. She doesn’t seem interested. I get my fair share of play, but for some reason, I’m hesitant to put a move on this girl. Probably because she seems like (Sosi wins) girlfriend material, and I actually think about her, so maybe I don’t want to get my feelings hurt. What do I do? TELL ME! TELL THE LOVE DOCTOR WHAT TO DO!
9:02. Last week, a bunch of people fought. You ever have sex with a beer bottle? A 40? Maybe I should try it. Nah. Not with the Olde E. I’d get trapped if I actually got it in, and that would make for a terrible emergency room story.
9:04. There’s Goldilocks. First time I got a good look at her. The camera work is making me want to puke, and one of the Harris’ calls Goldi a bitch and tell the camera man to keep the camera on him, because he’s sick of the MTV shit. He’s gained a fan.
9:06. Tag title match. The new Bushwackers? Okay. Shoot me. Shoot me for buying this. Shoot me for having insecurities and asking you about my love life. Just put a f*cking bullet through my brain. Man, if I keep this up, people are going to confuse me with CRZ. OUR MUSIC SECTION RULES, YOU DUNG HEAD! TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Nah, CRZ is a pretty cool guy. I hope he and Hyatte make up. It’s like my parents fighting, only they’re Internet wrestling writers and couldn’t possibly conceive me together. I don’t think so Hmmmmm. 5 dollars to whomever brings me the head of that asshole chanting TNA. Skinner throws pretty boy into the corner. The Harris who isn’t working security beats up the other pretty boy. Or is that the same pretty boy. Maybe another drink would clear this mystery up. Man, beer spill. I’m wet. Wrestling is happening in the ring, if I am not mistaken, and I just might be. Really, who knows? Maybe it’s something bigger then wrestling. Maybe it’s TOTAL NON STOP ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maximum of 3 exclamation points, you douche video reviewers. Oh. Pretty boys win, and then Harris beats up the Australian. Next week, Ron Harris teams up with someone else! Don Harris and security come in to stop Ron Hariis. Done Harris hits Ron, and Ron looks upset.
9:16. The Flying Elvises help Jerry Lynn.
9:17. Here comes AJ Styles. He’s going to fight Jerry Lynn in a ladder match. Read the other guys review. I want to read this. Jerry Lynn’s entrance music sounds like a rip off of Born it the USA. And a bad one. How odd. Be back later. I need to pee again. Mortimer Plumbtree is on the ramp. I missed something that made them chant holy shit. SoSi is out. He’s going to turn on Jerry Lynn. I mean AJ Styles. I mean I:m going to watch the match. There was this bit with a chair that was just an incredible spot. I can’t describe it. Just amazing. This promotion still sucks, but get these guys into the WWE as soon as their contracts run out. AJ Styles takes a superplex off the ladder like a pussy because he didn’t want to fall out of the ring. What a pussy! Really though, great stuff. Hey! Sosi attacked Lynn. I was wrong. AJ wins. Great, great, great match. Really, an amazing match.
9:36. Most of the Old E is gone. Jerry Lynn attacks Siaki. Goldilocks is not as hot as I thought she’d be. She’s not on tv. Just saying. There will be a return match next week. Jerry Lynn gets the title back cause AJ cheated. I call SHANNANAGINS ON NWA TNA!
9:40. Chris Rock will be filming a movie at NWA next week. I guess Vince is all pissy about the movie business now.
9:41. Main event time. They’re all going to come out one at a time. WOW! That’s something special. Ugga booga! Whatever. If there is a man on the moon, do you think he masterbates? That would explain asteroids. Well, no, but shut upyouface! Man, Roaadog is fat. Roaddog. Toadod, One more time. Roaddog. YES! X-Pac is having sex with Brkan Lawler’s Valet. BAW WUTH THE BAW THE BANF DA BANG DIDY DIDDY POPPA SOME THINGSOMETHIGN SAID UP CHUCK THE BUGGY! Man. I’m reading that over and deciding whether to rewrite it or delete it. Neitheer. HEY! ASH AND WIDRO! Why didn’t you publish my movie news? I feel slighted. Fuck you! No, I wasn’t talking to you two guys. I was talking about X-Pac when I said Fuck you. You’re my bosses, you bunch of ah. I thought this match was four on two? Nope. The old e is gone. I swear, I enjoyed this slightly more then an enema, and Imight get it next week cause this is fun. No more Old English. That is disgusting. Hey, the NWA promoted Scott Hall. He didn’t show. Could I get my money back? Probably not. WORST X-FACTOR EVER! OH! It changed from a six man tag to a four man tag. Now I get it. Sleeper hold by Jeff Jarrett, who still hasn’t had a title shot. Good for him. Will X-Pax or Syxx-Sense submit to a sleeper? Nope. Maybe I won’t do this next week. I have midterms. Big Fat Fuck just pinned Brian Lawler when I goit back from the baqthroom. The SAT’s are out and hit an awesome double suplex flip thing from the top rope. The bad guys win as the show ddddddraws. To a close.
Abd what it all comes down to. Is that everything is gonnna be fine fine fine. Cause I got one hand in my pocket, and the other is fingering your mom.
This is Grutman too.
I mean, I’ll see you guys next week. Prepare for the awesomeness .THAT IS ASHISH!