Don’cha just love it when folks who can’t spell try to get you stirred up and try to write pithy comments, witty repartee, and smart rejoinders? You feel like correcting their nasty misspellings and bad grammar in red pencil and sending it back to them marked “D+ – Needs Work” just like in school. – Unca Ed Ostermeyer
For most of the mail I get, a D+ would be generous grading.
Ah, ennui strikes again. Nothing to talk about of any consequence (the Dow doing a skyrocket yesterday? Well, I’m pleased, but not going orgasmic). It’s one of those mornings when I could pull off a One-Hour Special and not be concerned about it. I’ve got a little more time than that, though, so I’ll soldier on, even though I won’t be like Gamble and post my resume (technically, Ron, the game’s in Champaign, but it counts as a Bears home game; still, it’s Bears/Packers on MNF, and I’m there instead of with Raw). I’ve got a phone interview tomorrow for a job, anyway, and recruiters keep calling me. You want my resume, Steph, e-mail me.
ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO
The Vatican’s confirmed a post-mortem miracle by Mother Teresa (although the Pope hasn’t given his official nod-and-a-wink to it yet). That gives her the one miracle required for beatification, and puts her one away from the Big Kahuna, sainthood. Let’s give her a little help, folks. Did anyone pray to Mother Teresa for the Lions to win over the Saints on Sunday (okay, so the imagery doesn’t help too much, but definitely miracle territory)?
If you don’t like football (you diseased f*cks), we’ll stay in a wrestling vein then. Would there be a possibility that all of us out there, Catholic or not, could get together and pray to Mother Teresa that WWE regains its senses and starts booking like someone there has a brain? I’d say we should do it right after that Angle/Edge match on Smackdown Thursday, when our hopes and positive thinking will be at a peak. If it works, that will constitute a miracle that the Vatican can’t deny, especially if anyone there’s a wrestling fan.
REMEMBER, IT’S IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
Study: Breast Self-Exam May Be A Waste – Header at cnn.com
The study, however, did not say anything about someone else doing the exam. Depending on the breasts, I, for one, would happily volunteer.
Now, some of you may feel the same way and be eager to help the cause of medical science, but you’re, shall we say, looks-challenged (as in quintuple-bag ugly: two bags for your head in case one breaks, one bag for her head just in case both of your bags break, and one for each breast you’d examine in case your ugliness can be transmitted by touch). Here’s a suggestion for people in that position: pray to Mother Teresa.
ANOTHER LATECOMER REARS HIS UGLY HEAD, OR HEADS HIS UGLY REAR (IN WHICH CASE HE SHOULD PRAY TO MOTHER TERESA)…
I’m sorry, ERIC, but is this a Wrestling Column? I mean, if anyone cared about football, we’d be on a goddamn football website, right? So, what exactly does a mindless monkey like you do? Other than watch Monday Night Football with your invisible “Beer buddies.” Print this one, I DARE you! – Justin Veenstra
Never say something like “Print this one, I DARE you” to me, because that’s what leads to a guest appearance in You’re A Moron. However, you’re so obviously a troll (and a newcomer to this column) that I will spare you that honor in hopes that you will reform.
As is well known, I don’t watch MNF unless the Bears are involved (my work hours don’t allow it, and Raw takes priority on the VCR, given that I write this column and stuff). As for the rest of this, I think I’ll let Australian Bureau Chief Brett Wortham speak for me:
It’s your damn column and you’re free to write whatever the hell you want. If we don’t like it, we can email you, tell you to f*ck off, and then cease reading you column. I for one rather enjoy your take on the world.
Thank you, Brett. That’s why you earn the big money from WN,O,etc.
DIDN’T WILDING BECOME PASSE TWENTY YEARS AGO?
Some news out of Milwaukee:
A man savagely beaten with rakes, shovels and baseball bats by a child mob died Tuesday as authorities held nine youths in custody, and sought seven more. The group of children, ages 10 to 18, attacked Charlie Young Jr. late Sunday after a fight that started when one of the children tossed an egg at him, police said. – Associated Press
You know, just for a change, I’d like to see someone blame this on Mario Sunshine instead of the usual violent-game suspects. However, I don’t think electronic games will get the blame for this one. I’ve driven I-94 through Milwaukee, and just the act of that has made me want to savagely beat a random victim with rakes, shovels, and bats.
Speaking of something that makes me want to savagely beat random victims…
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
A tag team tournament? Oh, boy. One of the things that a lot of people recommended at the time of the Split (including Yr Humble Correspondent) was that parallel belts be retained in order to differentiate the two shows. Now, after fumbling the ball repeatedly and going into a blind alley with the whole Unified Title thing, The Powers That Fuck Up A Wet Dream have also come to that conclusion. Exactly what is the statute of limitations on ideas showing up on the Net and their actual execution by WWE? Someone at Creative apparently thinks it’s one year, given the evidence of this and Bischoff.
What the hell has Undertweener done backstage to be forced to job to any Hardy that comes along (Lesnar-ference or not)? There’s only one explanation for this: Sara’s cut him off due to her pregnancy, and the Hardys happily volunteered to help Mistah Calloway with his…ahem, frustration. This is the quid pro quo.
Dawn Marie decides to make a play for Torrie Wilson’s fake father? Well, hell, she hung around with Justin Asshole and is dating Simon Diamond. Anything’s a step up for her.
Angle. Benoit. Tag team. I am so there. Well, until the Angle face turn’s completed.
You know, I’m almost feeling sad for Chuck and Billy. After that incredible push leading up to and shortly after the gay wedding (it seems like only a couple weeks ago…oh, wait, it was), they’re now jobbing to Faarooq and D-Von. Just another bit of proof that Steph thinks of angles as asswipe: one use and it’s flushed down the toilet. This is not the way to build up and retain an audience, Stephie-poo.
So Lesnar/Undertweener is now HitC. I really don’t care at this point. Ten thousand volts applied to my rectum couldn’t revive my interest in No Mercy.
And the best for last: Angle/Edge given twenty-one minutes?! Okay, good decision. However, how much of it is prompted on the philosophy of “if this doesn’t get the Internet fans in a tizzy, nothing will”?
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
You know, when Nason doesn’t even have anything substantial to discuss, the well’s pretty dry.
TIME ENOUGH FOR MAILBAG? YEAH, JUST ENOUGH…
Let’s start with AnarChrist2K2 (great handle, BTW):
Eric, my man, I’m a longtime reader of yours. I just wanted to drop you a line to wish you luck with the ADA battle (longtime sufferer of major depressive disorder here…hooray.) and to ask a question…I frequently direct folks to read your work, but honestly, I can’t prnounce your last name. Could I get a phonetic breakdown? Thanks, and keep it up, friend.
This is one for a 411 FAQ if we ever do one, as I do get asked the question frequently. sul-CHES-key. Just like it’s spelled.
James Futrell poses a good one:
One question that I have to ask you. Why is The Nature Boy Ric Flair having to be subjected to the “I’m somebody’s bitch” role? Does HHH need that much of an egostroke since the fans don’t give a flying f*ck about him??? You haven’t brought it up (as far as I know ) and wanted to see what you think of the situation.
Well, not bringing this up is part of being a longtime wrestling fan. We’ve seen Flair play bitch to lesser talents so many times in his career (see Rhodes, Dusty for a worse example of stroking than Trip) that it just rolls off our backs. For newer viewers, though, it might come as a bit of a shock (although after the whole Russo thing, nothing should). The thing about Flair is that no matter what company he’s working for, he’s a good company man. He figured out a long time ago that the way to get ahead in the business is to let the bookers have their way and figure out a way to overcome their idiocy. The fact that he’s sharp enough to do that on a consistent basis has cemented his rep forever as one of the greatest. His philosophy is to let them do what they will; they’ll end up stepping on their dicks sooner or later, and he wins on all sides. He retains his heat, the bookers get their way, and he gets the rep of being compliant.
Jesus, I’m verging into Letawsky territory here. Better not give him a case for gimmick infringment and move on…
BFP wants to find out what I think about Joey Harrington. I won’t know for sure until the Bears play the Lions, but he looks like the real deal (he sure did when he was at Oregon). However, my fear about him is that he’ll never get a chance to mature in Detroit to become a truly great quarterback. He’ll end up being like Steve Young was in Tampon Bay. Give him a couple years, trade him to a good team (I can’t hope for the Bears in this one, so I’ll say that by that time, the Kordell Experiment should be over, and PGH will be looking for the next Bradshaw), and he’ll really blossom.
My fascist bud John King gave me a long pimp for Zyprexa and Seroquel. Unfortunately, they’re designed to compete with lithium carbonate for Type I bipolar, not the Type II I have. Their best effects are on the manic side of the ball, while I need to treat the depressive side. However, Zyprexa’s effect on schizophrenia definitely makes it one of the medications to watch.
Speaking of pharmacology, here’s a weird one from Zachary Singer:
…my mom sells houses and she had a deal fall through because the buyers pulled out due to their dog having depression over the loss of their other dog, and the move would make it
worse. The dog is taking, I think my mom said, Paxil and Xanax, but I’m only 75% sure. He also wants to know whether or not there are any other medications that can be taken by both canines and humans. Not having a dog, I can’t answer you for certain. However, given some of the hygenic habits of wrestling fans, an experiment with de-worming medications might be in order.
LRQ001 pulls a Gertrude:
I think that alot of columnists on 411, still are very good, and other sites, which suck, seem to be complaining too much. Bubba Dudley was getting a HUGE push, you all complained. The climax of Bubba’s push was reached on RAW, he lost. You still bitch. Now seriously, did you really expect a Bubba vs HHH main event at the next ppv, let alone with Bubba winning?
First of all, I wouldn’t call Buh Buh Ray’s push “huge”. It was pretty big for a guy just starting full-time singles action after being part of a very successful tag team for so long. We weren’t complaining about him getting a push (hey, he’s paid his dues), but about the way the push was being executed (see Hart, Bret and Michaels, Shawn for examples of the way a transition from tag star to singles star should be done). We were pissed that he was being programmed against the Mate of the Bitch of the Baskervilles, because of his ability to destroy any opponent and destroy any heat his opponent may have (see Flex), so that this feud was a no-hoper from the start. The complaints were about WWE booking, not about Buh Buh Ray. I think Mark’s a pretty good SE guy, a decent wrestler, and (rumor has it) a nice guy outside of the ring. It’s just that WWE, at the present time, doesn’t have the creative ability to break him out of his niche and increase his popularity.
Memo to the Priz: glad to see you back, bud, and great comments.
Memo to Jimmie Daniel: Please, do send me your live report on the NWA: TNA show tonight. I definitely want to hear what a devoted fan of the promotion (and a devoted fan of Memphis Wrestling, just like my pal BFM) has to say about it.
As a closer, Pete Russo (no relation) comments on my closer from yesterday, which, if you don’t remember, was a deep wet kiss to the rest of the site:
…the fact that the “marks” and “smarts” can intermingle as columnists on the 411 site is quite the treat. Usually because of work I don’t have the time to watch Smackdown or the energy to watch Raw. Back in the day the Mop-Up was king because Hyatte always hit all the important points, but made it entertaining enough (college student, sophomoric humor, I rest my case) to want to read every line, not skim for match results and angle development. If I want that I can just pull up Keith’s rant – and now it’s all at the same site.
We are a full-service site, I have to say that. And Hyatte’s still king of ’em all. I love the ego-stroke in your closer, though:
Hyatte to Szulczewski is a better Monday to Wednesday than any other wrestling site can even hope for.
Especially the Torch, who’s stuck with Blowjob Bethel during that time frame.
Just a couple of things before I cut out. First of all, to our readers down in the Gulf States, take a lot of care in the next couple days. We don’t want Lili to give you the last (and in a lot of cases, the first) blowjob you’ll ever get. I want to see all of you back next week, okay?
Second and last: a year ago today, I was fired from the Smarks. It was also a year ago today that Widro reiterated his offer for me to come to 411 (initially given when TSm was on the verge of collapse last summer), and I accepted. I don’t think I ever thanked him properly for that, and I’d like to do so right now. I hope that it’s a decision that’s benefitted everyone involved, including the audience. So, Widro, thank you from the bottom of my black little heart, and if there’s any such thing as karma, you’ll eventually be rewarded in ways that I, as a mere mortal, can’t properly do.
That’s it for me this week. Grut comes your way tomorrow, and he’s raring to go. He’ll transition to Ashish, who hands it to Flea, who laterals to Hyatte, who tosses it back to me in a little razzle-dazzle for the touchdown. Take care and enjoy.
About Eric Szulczewski
