A Wrestling News Report 10.10.02

Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth,

sincerity, and hardihood — the virtues that made America.

— Theodore Roosevelt, 1917

Who knew that Teddy himself would be a supporter of Mattitude? Thanks to Dave from Orlando for providing the quote. It’s readers like Dave from Orlando who constantly remind me that I have fans in the terrible state of Florida.

Welcome to the news! I just want to tell everyone that you won’t learn anything here about wrestling. I mean, there is going to be some wrestling news, but it’s all been reported already. In fact, just to illustrate this point, I’m going to start off by talking about my week.

Well, remember that whole thing with CAST last year? Although Mercer is gone, we were both victims of a deception by a third party, and Mercer and I no longer have a problem. In fact, CAST is putting on 2 of my shows this year. If you want to know when and where they’ll be performed, and if you’re in the New York City area, I’ll tell you later.

I also had two midterms this week. Midterms suck.

Finally, I left my AIM on Tuesday night and woke up to 50 IM’s. I shit you not. 50. GO TO SLEEP!

News?

News.

NEWS!!!!

NEWSETH, JUNKETH! HUZZAH!

I missed NWA:TNA, but the immediate feedback has been delicious! (It was Twinkies..)

Chris Rock appeared on the show and declared NWA:TNA as the greatest wrestling promotion in the world. He then called Down to Earth the greatest movie ever made, and suggested that Howard Taft was the greatest American President of all time. He then predicted a swift victory for Iraq over America, as Iraq is the greatest nation in the world.

X-Pac won the X-Title. That’s the best you can do as an X-WWE wrestler.

In the main event, Chris Rock defeated Ron Killings to win the NWA:TNA title. This crap just pisses me off. All I can say is that Chris Rock is not a step up from David Arquette, and Russo should be ashamed of himself.

Let’s see if there’s any WWE news.

Steve Austin had a hearing today where a date was set for his trial. He was said to be nervous about his upcoming case, but he shouldn’t worry. Just like everything else in his life that gives him trouble, he’ll beat it.

The WWE had a great week. They won their case against Nicole Bass, proving once again that giant, freaky women have no right to complain about anything!

The RAW rating was up to a 3.8, with hourly ratings of 3.7 and 3.9. This is up .2 from last week. Next week on Monday Night Football, Mark Madden talks about what a woman HHH is.

Bubba Ray Dudley suffered a concussion during the TLC match. To paraphrase him, “OW! MY FUCKING HEAD!”

D-VON? WHAT? GET THE CAT SCAN!

Lance Storm is in major trouble with the WWE. I’m serious this time. It was reported by all a bunch of sites. Major, major trouble. I know I’ve made a lot of Lance Storm jokes over the years, but I honestly hope this blows over and he’s able to keep his job. Still, nobody anally rapes Shane McMahon and gets away with it. No one, Lance.

Did you know we had British news on this site? Apparently, Lord Wiggleson defeated Bobby Smith the Third in a Tea Party match to win the Royal Crown Professional Fisticuffs Title. In a post match interview, Lord Wiggleson was surprisingly snotty.

Valboski and Torrie Wilson will appear on TSN’s Off the Record. Look for a full recap never.

Lots of shit happens on Smackdown. Just watch the f*cking show, douche bags.

GOD! I’m sorry I typed that last line. I am just so sick of all of you Internet fans who read me! Why can’t you be like my mark fans, or as I like to call them, people who have no idea I write this?

Jerry Lawler kept calling Stacy on their anniversary, but she didn’t pick up the phone. I told her too, but she was too busy blowing me.

Missy Hyatte and Bill Alfonso will settle a case they have on Judge Mathis. After the case, Missy will f*ck everyone, except Hyatte. Let’s be a little more desperate, shall we?

Man. First Trish stops talking to him, and now he’s offering to plug Missy for the rest of his life if he gets to plug her once. Talk about settling! Hyatte, the next logical step down is to stalk Lita, or Nidia at the least.

2-Pac is coming out with another new album. It’s entitled “I’M NOT DEAD! I FEEL FINE! I FEEL HAPPY!”

2-Pac is releasing a new album. Elvis had a number 1 album. Nirvana just released a new single. THE GODDAMNED ROLLING STONES ARE TOURING! The dead have risen, and they’ve taken over the music industry.

Hulk Hogan died last week. He was 84 and will be missed.

Flea got drunk and high tonight. More on this story as it develops.

Flea’s drunker and higher.

Flea has passed out, nude, pool side.

You know who my favorite Reindeer is? Blitzen. He was the sexually confused reindeer. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, BWAHAHAHAHA! MAN! Why do I let Hyatte have so much more fun then me?

Raw was blacked out in South Carolina because too many people called in, decrying its content. It was replaced by the Happy Fun Time Kill the Blacks and Jews Show! Highest rating ever!

Did you know that TNN was new?

Toni Braxton is accusing Jay Z of stealing her idea to steal 2-Pac’s song. How can Toni Braxton and Jay Z be making music? They’re not dead. Are they?

A man died playing video games, after playing video games for 86 straight hours. He is now ready to become a music superstar.

Junk News! Huzzah!

PLUGS FOR GUNS.

Ken Anderson is back with a year in wrestling review. Since everything else pales in comparison to Ken, I’ll leave you with that. Go read it. I have midterms to study for. I’ll be back next week, hopefully with a drunken TNA rant.