At Press-Time Presumptive In Memoriam: Aileen Wuornos. Yeah, like you’re going to get last-minute clemency in a state with a Bush as governor.
Another One-Hour Special. Damn, am I exhausted. Too much to do, too little time, too few medications available to make me not care. Plus I’m depressed from watching the Bears game. Favre is just…he’s not God; God can’t come from Green Fucking Bay. But he’s definitely Right Hand material. Wow.
Let’s get into it…
THE PIMP SECTION
Memo to Vanderhorst: I really did mean it as a compliment. It shows that we at 411 cover all the bases. And that was a nice column. Very Stan Lee-esque approach, and I like old-school.
Murphy marks out courtesy of that Chicago-area indy show he had me pimp last week. Sounded damn good, too, Murph. Glad you enjoyed yourself.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
From the Observer, since Da Meltz never sleeps…
Hugh Morrus is prepping himself for the TE-related Al Snow Push. He was said to look damn good in his dark match and has dropped about half a spin. Good for him; I’ve always liked the guy. Sorta one of my guilty pleasures. We’ll get to another later.
In case you’re wondering if wrestlers ever listen to crowd chants, check out Epilepsy this week and watch what Funaki does against Albert.
Matt Hardy gets the opening heel promo? And brawls with Undertweener? It’s back to Bizarro World Smackdown after some good weeks.
After the whole gay wedding incident, Billy and Chuck are getting makeovers, complete with new entrance music and straight-looking wrestling attire. Of course, they’re still feuding with Doom 2K2 and get a split in singles matches with them this week (one on SD, one on Epilepsy). Doug Henning couldn’t make things disappear faster than Billy and Chuck’s push.
Just to show you that Raw doesn’t have an exclusive on moronic angle-pushing promos, Heyman cuts one against Undertweener explaining how he’s cheating on his pregnant wife. Oh, dear God…you know, simply switching Pritchard and Hayes between shows isn’t going to cure the fact that it’s the same writing staff.
And that brings me to my semi-guilty pleasure. When I started watching wrestling 20 years ago, I quickly became a Freebirds mark. To me, Michael Hayes can do no wrong, and I felt bad for him when he was stuck doing the promo segments when the syndie shows were still around. Of course, this makes me an apostate in the eyes of Scott Keith and his sizeable contingent of lemming fans who can’t think for themselves. Live with it. I like the guy, he entertained me as an in-ring performer, and I only hope the best for him.
Supposedly a pretty damn good main event with Edge and Misterio taking on Lesnar and Funaki. You’d think that with that combo, there’d be a lot of misfits going on, but it’s said to click pretty well. We’ll have to see about that.
WHAT I WAS ALLUDING TO YESTERDAY
My bud BFM, in real life Mike DeGeorge, was able to snag an exclusive interview with Big for Reality News Online. Of course, he held me to a vow of silence until the interview was completed and posted; however, I could allude to it in vague terms yesterday. Big didn’t go into details about the psychotic episode involving one of the TE3 contestants; however, as BFM put it to me, he pretty much confirmed that it happened. It’s a great interview, folks, with some TE3 spoilers involved, so go push RNO’s hit count up and read it. I’ve written for RNO in the past, and they’ve got my seal of approval.
SMARKS INVADE AMAZON.COM
Alex Boothroyd sent me this link. I am laughing my ass off at this one. Bravo to whoever went to Amazon and put up those recommendations.
WWE BEATS BASS; HOORAY FOR THEM
Nicole Bass’ dreams of the money train crashed yesterday when the courts said that the Brawler didn’t sexually harass her. This did save Lombardi not only a lot of money, but jail time for incredibly bad taste. Considering all the hot chicks on staff, why the hell would you hit on Nicole Bass? Speaking of harassment…
SO WHAT’S OFFENSIVE ON RAW, OTHER THAN TO YOUR INTELLIGENCE?
Beau Landaiche has a hypothesis that acts as a good follow-up to Ashish’s story about Spillway Cable cutting off Raw in southern Louisiana after “moral complaints”:
Unfortunately I think I know exactly when the show got cut off. I’d bet dollars to dimes the calls started after Goldust and Regal had their match. That’s the only one I can see as being considered offensive other than the Trish/Stacy match, and certainly it would be to the… uhm… less than accepting folks in South Louisiana. Most of the people I grew up around back in LA would see two men in ridiculous drag in an obvious comedy match and would say “I don’t wanna see that gay shit, I’m a-callin the cayble company.” I can make some calls to the company and see when they started, if you’re interested.
Please do. Apparently men dressing in drag is acceptable only one week per year down there.
READERS FILL IN THE GAPS
I mentioned yesterday that the Mystery Champion scheduled to show up tonight on NWA: TNA was probably one of Sid, Sting, Luger, or Steiner. Fatalcharm410 gave me some other possibilities: Shane Douglas, Tommy Rich, Ronnie Garvin, and FatDust (yes, they were all World Champions at one point, but the thought of “Dusty In Memphis” is a complete dishonor to the late Dusty Springfield). Motor99 brings up the possibility of Savage, but the reason Savage isn’t performing right now is that no one can meet his ridiculous asking price.
As to whom I’d add on to my list from those, I’d say Shane Douglas would be at the top. I don’t think he’s burned any bridges with Jeff Jarrett, and the Jarretts are willing to take in locker-room poison like Scott Hall. However, I still think they’re looking for a big-payday name, especially if they’re still talking to money men now that they’ve got the syndie deal. Shane Douglas doesn’t fit that mold. They need a knockout punch at this point.
Now on to some non-wrestling-related stuff…
SERIAL MURDERERS ARE ALWAYS FUN TO TALK ABOUT
A few people wrote in wondering about my take on the Washington spree killings. Well, normally, I wouldn’t care, since it is Washington and all. However, this person, whoever it is, just went up big-time on my Coolness Scale by leaving that tarot card saying “I Am God”. Unfortunately, he lost points by using Death for the card. There’s lots of better choices: The Hanged Man, Judgement, The Emperor, The King of Swords, The Four of Swords, even The Fool if you want to go ironic. I’d say he should bone up on his Tarot before shooting his next victim.
WOW, TWO DICKS
Zach Singer (Yes, Him Again) asks me about the ESPN-promulgated rumor that the Bungles are showering the Bears with cash and draft picks to get Dick Jauron during the middle of the season and ditching Dick LeBeau in the process. First of all, the Bears, throughout their history, have never ditched a coach during midseason, incentives or not. However, Mike McCaskey is such a complete moron that he might look at this offer and say “Sure! Why not?” You can’t blame the Bears’ 2-3 start on Jauron. Their defense has been devastated by injuries, and they win games with D. Personally, if I were the Bungles, I’d make those same offers for Greg Blache, the Bears’ D coordinator. The guy deserves a head-coaching post, even if it is Cincy, and I think he’d want to get out of Dodge to not have to take the blame for this season.
Okay, time to head to work. I’ll be back next week with more of this crap. Stay here for Grut, Ashish, Flea, and, of course, Hyatte. Have a good one, and toodles.
About Eric Szulczewski
