Welcome to the premier of something that I think will be great, so it’ll probably be stupid. Let’s go through the normal stuff first.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
This is the last week the Intercontinental title will exist. If Kane wins, he plans on placing the title on Katie Vick’s grave while sobbing about how sorry he is. If HHH wins, he plans on shooting the title into his ass.
By the way, I have it all figured out. If you will indulge me
See, Kane was horribly scarred by a fire his brother set when Kane was a child. Kane had to move in with Paul Bearer, who was Kane’s father anyway. They were driven out from town to town, never really finding a home, never really belonging anywhere. The only thing that made Kane feel some sense of normalcy was that he was able to use the same cold medication to help him sleep as everyone else. That cold medication was NyQuil. 12 years ago, Kane took a shot of Nyquil to fall asleep, and it was the best shot of NyQuil ever. In the morning, the first thing Kane did before being driven out of town again was write a very nice letter to the owners of the company which made NyQuil, telling the owners how much NyQuil had meant to him over the years. That company, as you may or may not know, was VICKS! Mr. and Mrs. Vick received Kane’s letter and we’re so touched, they invited Kane and Paul Bearer to come to a party at their mansion in LA. At first Kane declined, but the Vicks were so persistent as to send a pair of plane tickets to the giant freak and his rotund father. Kane and Paul Bearer went to the party, knowing that they would be mocked for their hideous appearance. However, when they got there, the Vicks welcomed them with opened arms. They had already prepared their guests for Kane’s appearance, although all were a little surprised to see Kane walking around in a full red mask and body suit. Still, on that day the Vicks gave Kane the greatest gift anyone could give him, Vicks VapoRub. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, it is through 12 years of applying the miraculous VapoRub to his face that Kane is now able to grow facial hair and wear only half a mask, as well as talk without that voice box. Back to the story, sorry. There was a very special guest that caught Kane’s eye that evening, the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Vick. Her name was Katie, and she was the most beautiful girl that Kane had ever seen. Kane slowly walked up to her, his masked face looking towards the floor, nervously shuffling his feet. He asked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen if she could possibly, maybe, dance with a giant red freak like Kane. She didn’t hear him, so he lifted up his mask a bit and repeated the question. Seeing the grotesque, VapoRub covered scars on Kane’s chin filled Katie Vick’s heart with pity, and she agreed to dance with him. In a touching father-son scene we won’t delve into, Paul Bearer had taught Kane how to waltz and tango six years prior. Paul Bearer looked on with pride as his former dance partner, his son, tore up the dance floor with the most beautiful woman in the room. The party guests formed a circle around the two of them, clapping their hands and trying free samples of cold medication as they enjoyed what they believed to be the formation of new, young love. The dance ended, and Katie Vick smiled at the surprisingly sure-footed Kane. Kane smiled back, although no one really knew since he was wearing a mask. Katie thought about it for a moment and then kissed Kane on his masked cheek and thanked him for the dance. Kane did not say anything, and no one would have known how he was feeling had a single tear not rolled down the red fabric covering his face. He had never been happier in his life. He finally belonged somewhere, and maybe he finally belonged with somebody.
I guess that’s why it’s so confusing why Kane killed Katie Vick and then raped her dead body. Oh well. To each his own. I’ll see if I can uncover any more of this story next week.
Oh, and I have a message for the Undertaker. Shame on you, Undertaker. Shame on you for taking advantage of the poor girl! Shame on you for cheating on your wife! And shame on you for setting that fire that killed your parents and caused intense damage to your brother Kane. Undertaker, indirectly, you killed Katie Vick.
Big news on Smackdown this week, as there’s a new WWE champion! That’s right, you guessed it, Katie Vick!
Actually, I can give you a Smackdown preview. I guarantee this. The words NO and MERCY will be said over 75 times each. The only way that number may be lessened is if the word SUNDAY is said over 60 times.
Vince McMahon loves the Katie Vick story, while the rest of the locker room hates it. Maybe that’s because Vince knows that Katie, unbeknownst to Kane, was still alive when she reached the hospital. It was there that Vince McMahon killed her! “IT WAS ME, KANE! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!Ã¢â‚¬Â
Lenox Lewis is in talks with the WWE to either have a match with Brock Lesnar or to tell the world that he killed Katie Vick. More on this story as it develops.
The WWE held interviews yesterday at The World to find a hot Latin female. The want ad specified that all potential candidates must be living, thus knocking Katie Vick out of the running.
Moving away from the Katie Vick jokes, Billy Gunn has been diagnosed with a separated shoulder. It is not known if he needs surgery yet. As you probably know by now, Billy Gunn received the injury in a car crash. He had gotten really drunk, and Kane didn’t think it was right to let Billy drive home.
David Flair has been released from the WWE developmental program. David was shocked, as he was all ready for that program with the Undertaker the WWE set up 6 months ago. However, with all the possibilities the Katie Vick storyline has opened up, Vince thought he didn’t need it.
Although the Raw rating remained a 3.8, it did have a very slight improvement from last week. I guess this proves that people want more Katie Vick! Thus this column.
Flea has left. Long live the Flea. The greatest pity is that he left before seeing the Katie Vick story.
The WWE stock has dropped to six dollars and ninety five cents. It now costs 3 dollars less to own a piece of the WWE then to go to a movie in NYC. Many WWE superstars are more upset then Vince about this, with Kane stating that he spent all of the money he stole from Katie Vick before killing her and raping her on WWE stock when it was at 13.
KATIE VICK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Hey. Remember when the Internet loved the Hardy Boyz? I honestly don’t see what they’re doing now that makes them so awful .
AND NOW, A RETORT
Come on! This Katie Vick angle is awesome! Shut up, Grutman! What the hell do you know? You’re just jealous that you’re not dead, like Katie Vick is! And it’s awesome that she’s dead, because now we get to see the human part of Kane! The part that accidentally kills and rapes people! Suck on it, Grutman, you ass fag!
PLUGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
411 has a brand new movie section! Go visit Ashish’s movie site.
Unless you’d rather visit Adam Cancaya’s music section.
Or Jesse Mataja’s figure section.
Or the Pankonin-Yipgames section.
REAL NEWS! HUZZAH!
Today, 40 people e-mailed Joshua Grutman to bitch about the fact that this is a wrestling column. Joshua Grutman had no comment, but wore a look of deep shame.
The Giants and the Angels will play in the World Series, starting on Saturday. The opening pitching duel should be very interesting, with an Andre vs. Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life match up.
That sniper just keeps on shooting people. Politicians are anxiously awaiting his capture so that they can blame video games.
Rudy Giuliani has accepted 4.3 million dollars to tell Mexico City’s mayor how to reduce crime. Their arrangement came to an abrupt end when Rudy told Mexico City’s mayor that shooting an unarmed member of a minority 46 times was okay. The mayor shrugged his shoulders and shot Rudy 46 times.
Military space spending has doubled since last year. Congratulations to Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.
In travel news, CNN reported that the bombing has caused a sharp decline in tourism for Bali. In other news, NO SHIT!
President Bush and his team of experts continue to scare the living crap out of the American people. Way to go, W! Boy, wouldn’t it be horrible if someone were to name another leader who used fear to exploit his people into going to war and compare him to OUR President? Don’t worry, we’re the good guys.
Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas are expecting their second child. Good luck to them, and good luck to their future son, Brandon Ian Zeta Jones Douglas.
AOL 8.0 was officially released on Tuesday, bringing great joy to a nation in desperate need of happiness. Businessmen danced in the streets, lovers loved in public transportation devices, and web geeks cried tears of elation. Meanwhile, a small crippled girl rose from her wheelchair and did a back flip, three dead people rose from their graves, and Axl and Slash reunited with a passionate embrace. 8.0 had been released, and all was right with the world.
In Salt Lake City, a woman who got her 16 year old sister to marry her husband is being charged with polygamy and child abuse. Damn it! Now where am I going to marry both the Olson twins?
Jay Fielder has gone down, and it is now up to Ray Lucas to lead the league leading Miami Dolphins. You may remember Ray Lucas as the guy who must’ve been blowing Parcells from the Jets.
Fox has officially delayed Phone Booth, a movie about a guy in a phone booth being tormented by a sniper. The movie is now slated for release two months after the maniac is caught.
The nation is currently involved in a sensational murder trial. I beg the media to leave Mr.
and Mrs. Vick alone. They’ve been through enough.
Thank you for reading. Enjoy Flea I mean sniff, um, sniff. WAAAAAAAAH!