The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. – Dante Aligerhi
Maybe that’ll shut up the “why can’t you be nice” people.
Okay, let’s do it. I did as good a job with booking my sleep as Steph does with WWE, and I have barely enough time to watch Raw, let alone do this. Didn’t even have time to do the intro to this puppy due to other events (like blowing the motherboard on Saturday and deciding that, what the hell, since I was swapping out the mobo, let’s get that new case that I want…that pretty much described my Sunday right there).
As for No Mercy, well, it was a booking nightmare with one phenomenal match, and other people are far more qualified to comment on it, having watched it and all. I’ll leave it to them to provide the critical details. Just scroll down the page and read Keith, okay?
If people are wondering after a year why I still have a job here, how about asking yourselves who exactly Terry Taylor has pictures of that allows him to rebuild bridges that he’s burned multiple times? Jesus, they must be good photos, almost as good as the ones I claimed that Justin Credible had of Heyman and a donkey when he won the ECW title. Well, hopefully the product will improve. If Taylor’s given any booking power, he usually comes through with flying colors. Good luck in your latest two-month tenure with a fed, Rooster…
THE PIMP SECTION
Daniels forgets that you can only work with what you’ve been given, and with this particular Week In Wrestling, his source material guaranteed that his column would suck.
Memo to Vanderhorst: There is one more direction you can go: 411, The Comic. That should be interesting.
SO IS HE REAL?
A couple weeks ago, someone asked me if I thought that Joey Harrington was the real deal. Well, now having watched him, I’d have to say yes. This kid’s got poise like you wouldn’t believe. Nothing rattles him. He’s gonna be a great one. However, anyone can look good if James Stewart is your running back. Phenomenal rusher, and terrific in The Philadelphia Story to boot.
As for the Bears losing, I really don’t mind. Any game with a finish like that one (the real finish, not the overtime one) kinda neutralizes your opinion about the result. A nail-biter with multiple false finishes? Now that’s terrific booking.
THE BS SEASON STARTS AGAIN
Memo to the guy who said that Air Force was real: care to look who the #3 team in the BCS is? The computers say ND is the best, and who are we to argue with computers? The ND/FSU game this week is gonna be terrific. Just hope I can watch, because it’s been pretty much work every Saturday for me for the last two months, with no relief in sight until March or so.
With the BCS now a reality for this year, there’s a lot of water cooler talk going on right now about the results. Is Oklahoma really better than Miami? Who cares? Let’s wait until the final rankings are out, then complain like last year.
SUGAR RAY LEONARD, FOOTBALL DIVISION
So Cris Carter comes out of retirement and his cushy TV contract because Miami makes him the contract offer he “deserves”? Yeah, he deserves this one: he’s stuck on a no-hoper with Wannie as his coach. Once a ViQueen, always a ViQueen. We Bears fans have long memories. It’s why we forgave Mongo and Flanigan for putting on the green and gold.
As for forgiveness, I have none when it comes to WWE, so let’s get right to it, since I’m desperately out of time…
THE SHORT FORM
Chris Harvard over Jeff Hardy (Pinfall, Snow-erference): This was a hard match to get a hold on. Jeff Hardy can’t mat wrestle, Nowinski can’t go high-flying, but both of them tried to mesh with the other. You can’t fault them for attempting it, but it was a little uncomfortable to watch, especially with the amount of time they were given. A for effort, D for execution.
Buh Buh Ray and Spike Dudley over the Commonwealth Connection, Number One Contenders’ Match (Pinfall, Spike pins Regal, Acid Drop): First Storm and Regal cut a promo telling us how America has declined, and then to prove their point, the Dudleys walk out. I love self-consistent shoot promos. As for the match, talk about telegraphing the winner before the match even starts. Oh, definitely feed the marks on this one and prevent us smarks from enjoying a ****+ Storm/Regal versus Jericho/Christian match. Piss on you, Gewirtz and Steph. However, big kudos for WWE for giving us smarks a team in Storm and Regal that we can love.
Test over D’Lo Brown, My Beautiful and Beloved as Special Guest Ref: Okay, we all know that my Beautiful and Beloved is dating Test. Now they’re turning that into a shoot-angle. The good news is that relationships that enter into a shoot-angle usually end up turning ugly, and when that event happens, she will return to the arms of the one who truly loves her. Who’s your daddy, Stace?
Chris Jericho, Christian, and Victoria over Trish Stratus, Booker T, and Goldust, Intergender Tag Match (Submission, Trish submits to Jericho, Walls of Jericho): Remember how bizarre it was to watch Chyna participate in tag matches with men? Remember how bizarre it was to watch Chyna in the first place? No matter. We take this stuff in stride now. In fact, we get upset when the women don’t get mixed up in action with the guys. I started thinking about this one when I saw Victoria joining Jericho in getting the boots in on Booker. As long as intergender matches feature women that we know can wrestle (namely these two, Molly Holly, and Jazz), they turn out decently if they’re booked right, and this one was. The schmozz was perfectly timed and well-executed, and the action started hot and stayed hot. Nice pacing, nice hot tags, well-executed spots. Great for an intergender match.
Is it finally time to put Christian into the Inappropriate Entrance Music Hall Of Fame? “Christian, Christian, at last you’re on your own”, my ass.
Tommy Dreamer over Al Snow, Kendo Stick Match (Pinfall, Harvard-ference): Okay, I’m liking this angle (as I said in the Round Table, one of the few things WWE is doing right on a consistent basis is mid-card angles). However, as the Required ECW Content, it was pretty dissatisfying, almost as dissatisfying as your average main event on ECW On TNN back in the day. I’m sick and tired of beating the dead horse about “no Hardcore in WWE anymore”, so I’m not even going to go there.
The Big Show over Rico and the Island Boys, Handicrap Match (Pinfall, TBS pins Rosey (or was it Jamal?), chokeslam): FFed all the way. Just one observation: is Rico starting to look a lot like Tajiri or what? Of course, we won’t know until next week who TBS has been traded for (and that whole “no one switches” thing just went out the window, or is trading something allowed under that proscription? If so, why would Bisch and Steph cooperate with each other on anything in the first place?). No matter what, though, Raw ends up the winner in that deal.
Kane and Rob Van Dam over Ric Flair and Trip (Pinfall, Van Dam pins Flair for the second f*cking night in a row, Five-Star Frog Splash): Flair’s anybody’s bitch these days, isn’t he? Yeah, Ric, this is the way to end a legendary career. As for the outro, Beau Landaiche said it better than I could: the trunk lid popping open and Trip having to close it as the car pulled away was one of the best pieces of unintentional comedy WWE’s ever done. Well, that’s the perils of live TV for you.
Define “Disconcerting”: Trip cutting his usual quasi-shoot promo at the opening, or allowing Shane Fucking Helms to do the run-in on the opening promo? Jesus, was Van Dam trying to come down off his brownies or something? Yeah, we’ve got the whole tag partner thing and all, but allowing Shane Helms to involve himself in any way, shape, or form in the opening promo is an act of desperation.
“Elimination Chamber” Is Another Term For “Toilet”: Okay, consider this one: Bisch made his WCW debut the same night of the Chamber of Horrors match, regarded as one of the worst gimmick matches in history. If he wants to relive some element of his past, wouldn’t it be better for all of us if he just revived the Team Challenge Series and got it over with?
Double Run-In Promos Still Work, Kinda: Jericho’s remarks to Trish really didn’t work, because he’s never been established in that vein (namely sexist pig in addition to egotist). However, the Victoria segment did have a great smark moment. You know from her expression what Terri was thinking when Goldust was flirting with Victoria and smacking her ass: “If I had this sucker on tape before the divorce, I could have got more out of him in court.” The aforementioned Beau Landaiche wondered if Goldie was being butched up for the Nashville audience or not. I don’t think so. In the words of Trip, he’s always been many things bi, so this is just an extension of his behavior. Either that, or showing his ex that he wants her back by showing how desperate he is in making a play for Victoria.
It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin: I would have been offended by the videotape if I wasn’t laughing my ass off. I was trying to figure out the whole time if it was a dress dummy, an Inflate-a-Date, or Steph in the coffin. As if anyone could tell the difference between them. This angle’s going to go down with “Choppy-Choppy Your PeePee”, the dog crap incident, and Gang Wars as one of WWE’s lowest moments, so let’s get a little schadenfreude going and enjoy it while we can.
(Actually, I had “And Now For Something Completely Stupid” as the title of the section, but Rick McBride made a better Python reference in a mail to me, so out of tribute to him, I changed it.)
Goddamn, am I late. More about this crap tomorrow. Honestly.