A Wrestling News Report 10.24.02

Junk News. Huzzah!

Screw all of you! You talk about how the WWE isn’t doing any kind of long term planning, that they’re just throwing out what they come up with that day. If that’s the case, explain to me how Vince McMahon had the foresight in 1992 to have HHH put on a Kane mask (the most recent edition of the mask, no less) and have sex with a dead girl named Katie Vick? The man is a genius.

The WWE is going to feature a Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match at the next PPV. Wow. What a great idea! Hey, can Billy Gunn be the special ref? Also, please put something on a pole in the corner.

The WWE is going to feature a Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match at the next PPV, which will take place in my neck of the woods at Madison Square Garden. After hearing this news, I am now writing this report on my laptop as I get on the Long Island Railroad. It’s camp out time, baby!

The WWE is going to feature a Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match at the next PPV. Operation Make Scott Keith’s Head Explode is finally coming to fruition.

The WWE is going to feature a Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match at the next PPV. The member of the creative team who came up with this idea will be fired shortly after the event, giving Lance Storm about a month left of being employed.

The WWE is going to feature a Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match at the next PPV. Vince McMahon has stated that this is the best idea of all time, and then asked if anyone else would like some retard pills.

Okay.

Oh, and the RAW brand will feature some kind of elimination chamber match. WWE, are you mad at the smarts or something? Are you just doing this to piss off the internet? If so, you should stop. For all of the bitching that we do, we bitch about a product we’ve seen. We bitch about PPV’s that we just spent 35 dollars on. We bitch about something we can love, but something we have the capacity to hate at the same time. Stop treating us like dirt. At least stop treating me like dirt. The rest of em, hell, go crazy.

Mick Foley pulled out of a Byte This appearance this Friday. He then pushed back in, then pulled out again, and then pushed back in. Byte This and Mick Foley are happy to announce that they have succeeded, and are pregnant.

The WWE is upset that media outlets didn’t bitch about HHH having sex with a dead Katie Vick. CNN was going to run a story, but if they put up with Larry King’s necrophilia, who are they to complain?

The big news from Smackdown is that John Cena fights Billy Kidman and Big Show appears about 3 times.

Bret Hart most likely had sex in the past month, although this is not confirmed news.

Scott Hall is scheduled to fight Jeff Jarrett in about an hour. Odds on this match taking place are 1-5. Place your bets!

Raw’s rating dropped .1 point. But the amount of necrophilia in a Raw show rose a gatrillion percent. Gatrillion is a number slightly higher then infinity. And don’t tell me that there is no higher number then infinity, because there is. It’s gatrillion.

Next week, to really get the media’s attention, Trish Stratus is going to eat out Victoria on camera. The camera is then going to pan to HHH, who will evilly laugh. How is he involved in Trish eating out Victoria, with a clear shot of Trish’s tongue on Victoria’s clitoris? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!

There is officially no low the WWE won’t sink to, as Goldust is preparing to have sex with his pre-teen daughter Dakota in three weeks on Raw. I guess the WWE is just a slave to sure ratings getters.

I thought Flea was quitting, thus teaching me a very important lesson. If others read your column, read their column. Do not scan it and rush to the bottom. That is rude, and leads to misconceptions.

Now Flea is going to say that he doesn’t read my column. You’re so f*cking predictable, Flea! I’m the most unpredictable person on the Internet! How could you even hope to catch up?

Lance Storm was fired for peeing on a goat. HAHAHAHA! Didn’t see that one coming, did you Flea?

I only have hard alcohol tonight, but let’s do a TNA thing.

THE PLUGZ BOOT OF THE NIGHT. HARDCORE. VERB.

The Plugz Boot of the Night goes to Ron Gamble. Ron Gamble is Hardcore! Nerve!

DRUNKEN NWA: TNA. Messing with the hard stuff will kill you.

We start at 8:03, just because. I go down to eat dinner as I see Mexicans and Kid Cash and Steve Urkel jumping all over each other. I put a tape in. We’ll watch this later.

Okay, we’re starting from the beginning. But first, a shot of Captain for Joshua, because Joshua deserves it.

10 PM. A bunch of Mexican’s, Kid Kash and Steve Urkel are putting together a huge submission move. For some reason it reminds me of something I saw at the MOMA. Kid Kash tries a huracarana and comes down so badly that I take a swig. The Amazing Red and one of the pink and black guys do a bunch of reversals. That same guy is now playing with Urkel. Urkel with an awesome walking the ropes huracarana. Why are people breaking up pins? Isn’t this an elimination match? Kid Kash does an overhead slam from the top rope, because the X-Division is KA-RAZY! The Pinks and Blacks COLLIDE! I think they’re the SAT’s, but I’m not sure. Elix Skipper eliminates one of the Pink and Blacks after some cool move with his leg. Play of the day, I think it’s called. The other SAT just kills Elix with some move. What psychology. You just don’t see that in matches today, do you, Bob Barron? Bob f*cking Barron. Nothing pisses me off as much as Bob Barron. Maybe that sniper guy and lots of other annoying things, but that’s it. Hey. That other SAT is gone. We’re down to TAR and KK. How does Kid Kash keep kicking out? Man, everything is a double feature. Kid Kash with a perfect plex that stops in midair and goes straight down. Wow. This is terrific. One of the announcers keeps saying shit. TAR won somehow. I salute you! That’s another swig. I should take it easy. This isn’t beer. Nah, another swig. A swig is only like half a shot anyway.

The women dance in cages as the announcers talk about an auction on the website to help the reward to catch the sniper fund. Yeah, don’t worry about cancer or AIDS or something much more important then some piece of shit with pretty good aim. Still, I have a pause button. Let’s see what they’re auctioning.

Okay, everything except for two piece of shit things is an opening bid of two hundred and fifty bucks. You can be an announcer for one of the pay per views. You can be a ring announcer, or Jeremy Borash’s assistant. You can help Goldie out, or you can go on a date with Goldie. YOU CAN WIN A DEEP SEA FISHING TRIP WITH BOB RYDER! MY GOD! MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD! ONLY 250! I need a drink. AND JAMES STORM AND CHRIS HARRIS! YOU, BOB RYDER, CHRIS HARRIS AND JAMES STORM, DEEP FISHING! YES! It’s like the old man and the sea, only shitty. Has it been your dream to jet ski with Jeff Jarrett? I know it has been mine, and I can make it come to fruition with an opening bid of two hundred and fifty dollars. Wanna play golf with Curt Hennig? Be the manager of The Truth? Dance as a TNA girl (I’m looking at you, Scotty K)? Go on a romantic dinner date with Jerry Lynn (I’m looking at you, Blitzen)? Hey, Sean Waltman still has the WWE Light Heavyweight title. I guess it’s like when you’re fired and you take a stapler. Well now it can be yours! You can also be the manager for any of the Spanish guys. You could take home the Dupp Cup, or even be Vince Russo’s assistant! Oh man, that would be so much fun! “Get me some cawfee!” “Get it yourself! You pissed WCW down the crapper!” “Shaddup!” “You shaddup, Mr. Former WCW Champion!”

All this for only two fifty? Man, what a bargain! Moving on

Deep sea fishing with Bob Ryder and Chris Storm. Give me a f*cking break.

No, really. Come on.

Moving on

Goldie is a Muslim or something with that red cap. Brian Lawler doesn’t want to talk to her, despite the hot red streaks in her hair.

Mike Tenay is with the devil! Wait, that’s Don West.

Time for the tag team title match. Here come the Hot Shots. One of them seems to have a mutated third nipple. I’m going to name his mutated third nipple Fred. Fred and the Hotshots meet Harris and Storm head on! Harris or Storm is whipping one of the Hotshots. I have no idea who is who. It is now 10:29, and I missed South Park. Oh well. Life must go on. Why did I buy this? I don’t enjoy this program at all. Ah. I did it so I could do this. I hope you all love and appreciate me. Hey! He has a wildcat on his ass. Don West makes terrible faces. What the hell happened to Konan? No, I don’t care. Just wondering. The Hot Shots CHEAT! THEY’RE CHEATER! They should killed with a flaming bullet for cheating. That would be a real HOT SHOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! God, I’m funny. Big slam by Fred and the Hot Shot he’s on. Fred is looking a bit tired. CHOP TO FRED! AMD ANOTHER! ALL THREE ARE DOWN! The one without Fred is in. Big Spear. Don West just called this one of the best tag matches he’s ever seen. Oh my God. Fred and the Hot Shot almost get the pin. But instead the other team wins. Fred retires. Look for the WWE to sign Fred next week.

Sonny Siaki and Jerry Lynn have a video. I hear that after you watch a video of NWA TNA, the phone rings. A little girl on the other end calls you a sucker. Before you die, you hear Don West. Sorry, Siaki injured Lynn. Goldi talks to Lynn. Goldi is wearing a lot of clothing. Jerry with a great interview, punctuated by Brian Lawler asking us all if we’ve seen April. Goldi rolls her eyes and puts on another layer of clothing.

Siaki comes out. He reminds me of the first bad guy in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Jerry Lynn limps out. Are you ready for the USA? Wasn’t that AJ’s music? Screw it. I don’t care. Really, if you know, don’t tell me. I don’t care. Lynn still limping. This is psychology. You don’t see this in any of today’s matches. YOU’RE AN IDIOT, BARRON! Maybe I’m being too hard on the guy. Nah. Siaki attacks the knee. And more knee attacking. And more. Poor Jerry Lynn. How is Jerry going to be in any shape for his dinner date with Scott Keith? Jerry with some cool fake the sunset flip over the top rope and instead hit a leg drop move, and Siaki falls down but laughs. He laughs because he knows that Jerry just hurt his leg more. This is a surprisingl great match. I like the story they’re telling. Siaki back to the knee with a leg lock. Siaki jumps back. Two jumps to the left. Two jumps to the right. Siaki jumps forward AND LYNN KNOCKS HIM OUT WITH ONE PUNCH! Bonus points if anyone gets that. Anyway, Siaki still working on the knee. Hey! Lynn wins. Are you ready for the USA? I know I am! Siaki isn’t, as he attacks the knee post match. I guess we know what a sore sport those Nintendo characters are. Lynn attacks back and falls down. I’ve drank a bunch already.

I think I’m going to pursue an Asian girl. She’s sexy. Wish me luck!

The girls dance in cages out of boredom.

Let’s look at the Hennig-Truth history. Or, let’s pour another drink.

Getting a mixer was a good idea. Having only Diet Mug Cream Soda was not a good idea.

Here comes Curt and BG James. Sure, some people might say that BG James is fat. But he more then makes up for that by refusing to acknowledge that he’s an Armstrong. Hennig disses Jarrett as a Curt Hennig wanna be. He beat up Jarrett years ago, so Jarrett is a wannabe. Hennig did the West Texas Rednecks, and Jarrett did a country singer angle. Didn’t Jarrett do that before Hennig? Hennig is the guy who took down Brock Lesnar at 35,000 feet. HAHAHAHAHA! Right. Brock Lesnar would kill Hennig. Brian Christopher won’t go with Jeff Jarrett to face Hennig. James runs down Lawler in a boring, boring interview, in which he proves he can still rhyme. Get it? Got it? Want it? Need it? Eat it.

Go to the NWA TNA website to catch the sniper! You can be Keith Mitchell’s assistant for a minimum bid of 250! KEITH FUCKING MITCHELL!

Scott Hall comes out! Good thing I didn’t bet any money. Scott waits for the Hey yo. The fans chant Hey Yo. Hennig’s face looked terrible, and Hall’s looks worse. And Hall is messing up his interview. From now on, he can do whatever he wants, and now he wants Jarrett. Here comes Jarrett. Whomever wins the announcer gig, do me a favor. When Jarrett comes out, ask, “WHAT IS JEFF JARRETT DOING HERE?” It’ll be hoi;araos. Hilarious. A lot of people might call me drunk right now, but a lot of people should shut the f*ck up. Who do you think you are, my mother? My father? My big brother? He gets drunk with me, so quit judging. Oh. This. They’re in the crowd. Jarrett hits Hall with a garbage bag. One person chants TNA. I haven’t noticed it tonight. There’s a pretty strong TNA chant. I pause. Hall hits Jarrett twice with a chair, and Jarrett crumples to the ground. There is a spotlight of red light that Jarrett is bathed in in this position. Truly Hitchcockian and inspired lighting technique used here by the NWA crew. Kudos. A moment of brilliance in a show bathed with stupidity. I press play and the idiocy continues. They’re in the ring. Now they’re out of the ring. Now they’re on the ground. Hall has tights with the word Kliq on the back. Nash is a joke. Shawn is pretty much paralyzed, save for a once a year appearance. Syxx is considered everything wrong with wrestling. Justin Credible is a nothing. Billy Gunn is considered everything wrong with wrestling. HHH is considered a shell of what he used to be. Wear those Kliq tights proudly, Scott. Maybe someday your ex-wife will ask the internet to stop fueling your self delusion. DAMN! Mean. Go win a dinner date with Scott Hall on NWAwrestling.com. Back to the match. They’re both knocked out. Something about a choke slam. The idiots are chanting TNA. I CURSE YOU ALL! Thinnnnnnner. Scott Hall refuses to quit, apparently, so I do for the rest of this match. Ah, Scott Hall wins after massive interference.

The girls dance in cages as we feel bad about the sniper. I’ll do my part. Hey, Captain Sniper! You big pussy! You want to take a shot at me? Allow me to spell my name out so you have no trouble finding me! B! O! B! B! A! R! R! O! N! That’s Bob Barron, you punk ass bitch! Come and get me! Okay, now I’m definitely being too hard on the kid. Everyone go read Bob Barron’s Clash review.

Here comes Brian Lawler. But where is April? Perhaps she could be having sex with Syxx-Pac-Kid-Sean? BG James comes out and wastes water. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN SOMALIA WHO DON’T EVER GET TO DRINK ANY WATER! Fat boy is beating up Untalented outside the ring. Fat boy apparently humping untalented. Any one else need a cigarette? The match is over. I’m sorry. I was thinking about my play. The match is over. Fat Boy won when XXX-Pac made out with Brian Lawler’s valet. The f*cking idiots chant TNA. You should all die. The match was so god amend stupid. I typed goddamned and the computer made it god amend. I must have mistyped it or something.

A recap of Syxxth Sense and AJ Styles. Here they both come. The announcer says it is a no do match. Jesus. A third of a bottle of Morgan’s is gone. That’s 11 shots, mind you. Hilarious bit on the way to the ring for Syxxteen Candles. He gives the crowd the I love you sign, and a guy in a green shirt returns it in the front row. Next to him, a kid in a blue shit gives Syxxxty Nine the thumbs down motion. The 1-2-3 Kid n Play goes to touch I love you signals with the guy in the green shirt, and the kid in the blue shirt holds out his hands as if saying, “Hey, that’s just the way I feel.” Kudos to the kid in the blue shirt. Mad, mad kudos. We press play. Also, we’re going to fast forward through the match after this. I have stuff to do tomorrow. Important, hung over stuff. I’m going to take this girl Haruka to dinner, hopefully. Man, that would piss off my parents if I wound up with a girl named Haruka. Or Horuka. Remind me to get this straight before I take her to dinner. Pac Man is wearing some kind of Japanese headband. I think it tells Tajiri to “MAKE SOME NOISE!” I’ve read that Sir Sixxx the Kid refused to bury Lo Ki on the air because he thought it was wrong. Way to flex that creative control, you jerk! Just kidding. Still, could this be a new Sean Waltman? Screw him having a whole new set of values, that doesn’t happen. Still, he could be trying to do the right thing. I respect that, and if it’s true, he’s gained a fan.

NEWSFLASH! The HHH sleeping with Katie Vick angle has received more negative feedback then any other angle in the history of the WWE, from its fans. Vince McMahon is said to be thrilled with this and hopes that no one watches Raw next week. To quote him, “ARGH! I hate the WWE and everything in it.” Vince McMahon then emptied his pipe into the WWE ring.

Back to the match. Mortimer Plumbtree is doing commentary, because NWA knows that we need more Plumbtree! AJ Styles is wearing a lot of jewelry in the ring. X-Pac kicks the crap out of AJ. AJ kicks out. The fans are chanting AJ. I should modify that. The fan is chanting AJ. BRONCO BUSTER! That is the move that almost ruined the amazing Edge/Rey vs. Angle/Benoit match for me. When Rey did the Bronco Buster, I felt like vomiting. Syxxteen on the top rope, but a german suplex from AJ. What makes it German? Is that the only suplex they do in Germany? First time I ever saw the Styles Clash. Very impressive move. Get him, WWE. You’re looking at the guy who can be the whole packaged. AJ proves this when Leader of the Pac raises his had, and AJ pretends to be grateful as he hands his belt to Brian Lawler, who crushes Pac-Diddy with the belt. AJ then yanks his hand away and poses with the belt.

Women dance in cages as the sniper succeeds. He just wanted to be famous, and what better then a second rate wrestling company raising money to fight him to prove matters.

Elvis fights Steele. FAST FORWARD! What fast paced action! A lot happeing in the corners. To the outside! Woman thrown into the steps! Back in! Duperplex! Buch of suplexes! I press play as Elvis wins thanks to his woman. Mortimer is in. He and the woman are arguing. Woman jumps on Mort. Mort beating up on the woman. This can only set up a match for next week! WOW! I won’t order that!

Next week, the NWA TNA car returns to the Nascar Tracks! Also, check out the auction! Also, women dance and suck on lollipops.

Back-Pac comes back out. Maybe I’m drunk, but until the end of that promo, Sean Waltman gave one of the best promo’s I ever heard. He just talked to the audience. He explained himself. It was real. It was honest. It gets stupid when Brian Lawler shows up, but good for Sean. He has honestly gained a fan. He couldn’t hear her, so Sean told her to speak louder. Awesome. Maybe I’m drunk, but Mr. Waltman is doing every thing right tonight. April is hot.

HEY! THERE ARE WOMEN IN CAGES! APES HAVE TAKEN OVER THE WORLD, AND ARE IMPRISONING OUR WOMEN! FREE THEM! FREE THE NWA 2!

Mike Tenay looks so, so old.

Main event time! Thank god. The Truth vs. Curt Hennig.

What do you think, fast forward?

Let’s do a reader poll, right now!

Okay! By a count of 1-0 (counting myself) fast forward wins after the biggest superstar of 2007 according to Ashish and Widro raps. Lots of fighting on the outside, and that’s the truth. Lots of fighting on the outside. Jesus. This match looks slow in fast forward. Hennig in control. There’s Mr. Wrestling 3. The Truth hits Hennig with Brass Knuckles and wins. My God! What a match! Man, Killings is the most black man in wrestling.

EVIL KNOWS NO BOUNDS!

EVIL WILL NEVER REST!

EVIL RETURNS!

NEXT WEEK!

My God. How did my ex-girlfriend get a job with NWA TNA?

MY NAME IS GRUT! AND I AM FUNKY! HURT ME!