I don’t know that I’ve ever had a column generate more e-mail then the Cheap Heat I wrote Thursday last week. Apparently, there’s a lot of other folks like me who watch soaps. Make fun of us all you want, but when the chips are down… we know what the ladies want. Where do you think yaks learn about sex? NOT PORNO.
We open with a recap of HeMan/Kane storyline… at least they didn’t drop it. HeMan gets the trademark “post-ppv champion 20-minute monologue.” HeMan tells everyone who said he didn’t deserve to be handed a belt to screw off, as he is God. He deserves it all. He is “Untouchable.” If soap logic holds true, his world needs to come crashing down sometime very soon. HeMan has a videotape that will apparently prove if Kane is a necropheliac rapist or not. H guarantees it is very graphic. Hurricane comes out to break it all up… this is the same guy who was knocked out for five hours from a Pedigree at No Mercy. After getting the tape, he then gets the crap kicked out of him. The tape turns out to be HeMan dressed up like Kane talking into a casket, who proceeds to sweet-talk a corpse. Well, he was married to Steph. I leave it to the reader to figure out of this is an upgrade or a downgrade. The “evidence” went a few minutes too long to be amusing… and went a long way toward being disturbing. Right about the time where HeMan took off the “corpse’s” panties and took a big old inhale. It was to get worse, actually, as they moved off focus to the benefit of “sex noises.” Afterward, we come back to see HeMan over the corpse asking if it was good for her… and then he says he screwed her brains out… at which point he picks up a handfull of goo and throws it at the camera. You know, I used the word “amusing” earlier in this paragraph, and it was amusing up until HeMan started touching the corpse… and then it went beyond amusing and beyond storyline… and turned into Vince trying to do… something. What he was trying to accomplish here, I don’t know. All I know is Austin, Steiner, and Goldberg are sitting home, wathcing this and laughing… because, if he keeps this up, their asking price will be matched, regardless of WHAT it is.
You know, at some point, the WWE does have to remember that little kids watch this show. How does a parent explain this to their kid? Is this supposed to get people talking?
After watching the way Chris Nowinski acts in the ring… I’m waiting for him to start reading poetry and turning cartwheels. I’m not saying he’s gay, but I hear rumors he can light a candle from across the room… and he ain’t no Charlie McGee. Nowinski beat Jeff Hardy with a little help from Al Snow.
Big Show was very upset at No Mercy because he isn’t main eventing. Big Show push #4543? Come Monday, he was still upset, but Bischoff regrouped enough to put him in a 3-1 Handicap with Rico, Jamal, and Rosie. Big Show defeated them all… way to push the new big tag team, by jobbing them out in a three on one. Actually, machine like, no-selling Giant might be just what they need to get him over.
Storm and Regal wrestled the B-Team Dudleys for the Number One contendership to the Raw Tag Titles. And just so we know, the UnAmericans are finished. Score one for wrapping up a storyline with an explanation. Storm also is back to “being serious for a minute,” which is cool. Bubba Dudley continues to become more naked by dropping the sleeves from his outfit. The B-team Dudleys won with a distraction from Bubba’s legs glinting off the house lights which lead to an Acid Drop. Post match, Storm and Regal laid down a Brass Knuckle Beatin. At least the tag division is looking healthy.
And… can I just say how happy I am to see the RETURN OF THE TAG ROPES!!!!
Christian Jericho reminded Trish about how she barked and crawled around the ring for Vince McMahon. The blonde Canadianess in the ring is freaking me out. I’m happy to see that Christian has a personality again. He and Jericho play off each very well, actually. Christian just needs to start wearing pink disco ball shirts like Jericho.
To counter Stephanie’s Hell in the Cell, Bischoff announced that, at Survivor Series, they will introduce something called the “Elimination Chamber.” Funny, I call the bathroom the same thing.
—We interrupt this column for a special bulletin—
When Daniels wrote this column on Monday night, he didn’t realize EVERY OTHER RECAPPER ON THE INTERNET WOULD MAKE THE SAME GODDAM JOKE ABOUT THE TOILET. We here at 411 hate repetitiveness, so we are inserting this joke to help him save face.
“A man walks into a bar…
—Thank you, we now return you to your regularly scheduled column—
Stacy’s match to referee tonight is Test/D’Lo. Stacy holds the ropes open for Test and slaps D’lo before the match started. Test’s big leather pants are gone in favor of some super-ghey silver tights. Apparently, Stacy is all about Test now, forgetting to count for D’Lo and conveniently having her back turned during pins. I guess Stacy forgot about when Test was hitting on her and she negged her harder than Charlie Sheen at an Indigo Girls concert. Eh, who needs continuity, right? Post-Match, Steph jumps into Test’s arms and celebrates, to which JR says: “Have you ever seen earl hepner do that to anyone? Well, except a large woman in Ohio, but it was just that one time.”
JR RULES at times.
Intergender, 6-man tag team match. My favorite thing in the WWE right now is when Golddust barks at someone and the twitch away. Victoria went though some sort of nonsense about how her and Trish used to be friends and whatnot. You know what, this is the closest thing they have to a real storyline that can’t be refuted… you know, besides the fact that Victoria was introduced as one of Godfather’s hoes… but that’s neither here nor there.
One of those “gotchas” of life. Golddust is more over now than he’s ever been in any federation at any time… and they brought him back as a joke for the gimmick battle royal. Congrats to him. I would just like to point out that the rest of the world is finally catching up to what I knew years ago.
At this point, after the videotape, I pretty much quit on Raw for the night and went to watch Indianapolis lose me money in both Fantasy Football and in a regular bet. I flipped back during halftime.
Bisch was a bit ticked that his big “revenge” on Big Show didn’t work, so Show got traded to Smackdown… for folks unkown.
Shawn did an interview from WWE NY. His legs are recovered… and Shawn wants HeMan looking over both shoulders at all times. What have we learned from this? Shawn Michaels is a GODDAM CYBORG. HBK-3000. Or perhaps Borg.
Actually, Yes, I have it on good authority that Shawn Michaels’s new gimmick, to tie in with the NEW TNN will be a borg. When his music hits, instead of H-B-K coming up, instead it will be RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE. But he will have the same music.
Oh, Shawn Shawn I think I’m cute
I KNOW I’m sexy
I got the look, to drive the girl’s wild
And he will attempt to assimilate the entire federation.
Main event tag team match had HeMan and Duncan vs Kane/RVD. At this point Peyton Manning threw a touchdown to Pollard, giving 7 points to me and 7 points to the opposing fantasy team, and thus pissing me off to no end.
JR: “We’ve also seen Mae Young give birth do a hand… I still have dreams about that… it upsets my stomach”
JR: “Now what does Hulkamaniac and Necropheliac have to do with one another? They don’t even rhyme.”
Post-Match, Kane shoves HeMan into the trunk of a car. He then informs us that he’ll be screwing HeMan… just a matter of whether he’s still alive. As the car pulls away, HeMan pulls the trunk release lever, then realizes they’re still live and pulls it closed. The lesson we learn here kids, is to tape backstage segments before the match.
Taker congratulated Brock on his win, and did it face to face. The two guys did a mutual respect blowjob. After this, Big Show came out to tell ‘Taker that Show’s the reason Taker is a broken down has been. To which the Undertaker responded that the Show is a Giant Never Was. So true. Taker is saying hi to the crowd at the top of the ramp and Show returns to chuck him off the stage on top of… something. The paramedics come out to help.
We come back from break and Taker is STILL laid out. We spend an ENTIRE F*CKING SEGMENT on medics tending to Undertaker, and ‘Taker blowing them off. HELLO, SHANE FELL FROM 30 FEET IN THE AIR AND THEY CLEARED HIM OUT IN THIRTY SECONDS.
Dawn Marie found Torrie and called her the better woman. In fact, Dawn respected Torrie so much that Dawn said she’d break it off with Al, since it bothered Torrie so much. As she tried, Al drew her in for a big ol’ smooch. THE DRAMA CONTINUES!!
John “Yogurt” Cena beat Kidman last week by using the ropes. Big rematch was this week, in which Kidman used the ropes to win. Hm, could this be leading to a match next week. Post-match, Yogurt gets in some shots and beats the hell out of Kidman. Time for Yogurt’s heel turn. Good thing they changed Kidman’s music from something good to absolute shit.
The new interview dude, who’s name I don’t know, tried to get an interview with Brock. Brock asked for Funaki. Hey, good point. Where the hell IS Smackdown’s Numbah One interviewer?
Eddy caught up with Benoit backstage for another respect blowjob. He’s sorry about all the shit that went down.
WHEN DID WRESTLER’S BECOME PANSIES!!!?
Started watching Tough Enough 3 this week. This show isn’t fun anymore. It was much better when there were a couple of ripped folks, some average folks, and cute chicks. Not super scary chicks.
To make it a little more funky this year, rooms are one guy and one girl. OOH, chemistry.
I will say the house is absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful view of the ocean and stuff. They waste no time in establishing that some of the roommates hate each other. They also waste no time in telling us who everyone hates… Scott the Asian kid.
They prove this to us with the following conversation.
Ugly ripped chick: Dude, what would you be like if I said, right now, that I was a lesbian?
Scott the Asian: I’d say sweet, I get to watch some Lesbian Action.
URC: You don’t get to see anything.
Surfer Dude: Man, Scott just go to bed and shut up.
What the hell is so bad about that? It’s the exact way I would have responded to the same question… except I would of said something more along the lines of “Sweet, dyke it up for me, Lesbo.” It’s called “humor” folks, look into it.
Later, they show us that this kid can’t follow Hugh Morusses instructions, and he cries when he gets yelled at… and he got hammered… and everyone hates him. This meaning he’ll be the first one cut… because he’s the most interesting one.
We also have two people on the show who have a past together… he cheated on his girlfriend with her a long time ago… and now their both in the house, and he starts cheating. So, she finds out that he has a girlfriend again and freaks out… and decides to quit the show.
And folks, let me tell you, they didn’t make it easy to quit. Even “Big” lays into the girl, calling her a fraud and a quitter and a loser. “I had to cut seven people who would have given me arm to be here, and you walk in here and quit when things get a little hard for you. You make me sick… get out of here.”
You know, it’s the third season of this show. It’s well documented that it’s going to hurt and well documented it isn’t all fun and games. If I was there, I’d have a smile on my face at all times… unless Hugh Morrus was screaming in my case and pinning me, in which case I’d have a smile on face and urine in my pants… BUT I’D BE SMILING!!!
I gotta say, the show kinda sucks so far.
The Week In Wrestling
The following is thanks to reader Darth Billy. What follows is what “episodic television” is supposed to be.
I admit to being a huge Kane mark, but I’m a mark of the indestructable-zombie-turned-killer-in-the-ring character … not this whiny-I’m-happy-but-my-background-is-completely-different-now shadow … I still like the guy, but they’ve effectively destroyed one of, if not *THE* last true working gimmick of the upper-mid to upper card.
If the WWE truly wants to go down the soap opera type path, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to accomplish. Hell, they could have had this current “Kane is a murderer” thing while still working with his established background without even having to hurt a brain cell.
The solution would have been simple: Kane’s body has been healing over time, as has his comfort with who and what he is. Kane, always the outcast and the freak, is becoming content with himself and becoming a more centered person. I could buy this … most people have the capacity to pull themselves out of whatever dark hole they’re in, and this kind of premise would give something to connect to the fans with on a personal level.
Especially wrestling fans, who are now, once again, freaky. This is called creating a character people can identify with. See also: Austin, Steve who did to his boss, week in and week out, what just avout everyone wants to do.
Enter Triple H with some background information he’s discovered … about an incident that happened while Kane was locked away in the asylum. Then, as you said, just drop that to the audience. Nothing more for at least a week, if not longer.
This would be where you end the show. The “Cliffhanger” that I was talking about. “Well, dammit Dolores, what is he going to say?? I don’t know Joe, I guess we’ll have to tune in next week to find out… Mission Accomplished.
Have the accusation be that Kane actually did kill a young woman named
Katie Vick, who was a nurse at the asylum. This was during the period of
time when he was in his deepest dementia, and was rarely if ever in control
of his own actions, but still something that haunts him.
Perfect, it’s true, and the character’s past is still intact. Even better, HeMan reveals this one week, and we don’t find out Kane’s response till the FOLLOWING week. That’s three weeks people have been following one storyline, and tuning in to see the answer.
Have the accusation be true .. that yes, Kane is a true killer, but that the state proclaimed him innocent by reason of insanity, which he has struggled all these years to finally heal. This establishes a new motivation for the feud – hatred of Triple H for bringing this to the foreground. It establishes a new motivation for the character – the tortured face who can’t escape past sins, struggling for personal redemption (hey, WB made a whole freakin’ series out of that alone. “Angel” anyone?). It also could even establish a way to revamp Kane to the point of him taking the mask off down the road by having it be the beginning of a long journey to redeem himself and finally face up to his demons.
Hey, character motivation… that’s almost like… a REAL STORY!!!
The character could still be the indestructable zombie-ish character that is ingrained into the gimmick, but now Kane would have depth to his character that people could believe and relate too. There’s a whole hell of alot of people out there struggling with personal demons and desperately wanting to make something better of themselves. Hell, Kane could give them a new entertainment hero.
But no. We get Triple H f*cking a mannequin.
Thanks, Billy. See how easy that is. Story is simple to understand… accomplishes exactly the same thing they tried to accomplish before… and everything is still intact. No past histories were violated… no one had to screw a mannequin… and we get a BETTER story than if we did.
“Nothing gets to television without Vince’s Seal of Approval.” Thanks Flea. Well, I’m not quite sure what Vince is trying to accomplish anymore. OK, we got wrestling, which will keep the fans who have been around for a while… we got some dramatic storylines for the women… and we got sniffing the panties of dead people for………… the necropheliacs out there. What, Vince doesn’t want to miss any of his audience?
I pride myself on being able to chalk just about everything as “part of the story” and whatnot. If you can’t handle sex or violence on TV, then you’re burying your head in the sand… but some thing, every now and again, go over the line just a little bit. I’m not going to pretend that I’m never going to watch again, because I know I can’t live up to that… but I can see a lot of people tuning out… people who are realizing they just don’t “Get It” anymore.
I’m starting to wonder if I do.
A lot of the folks on this site were able to just laugh at it. I wasn’t. It turned my stomach.
The new ploy to bring up ratings is the big signing of Scott Steiner. ALL RIGHT! I get to make fun of Scott Steiner’s lack of coherent speech patterns again! We get to bring back the “What’s the Booty Daddy Saying” game.
Anyway, for most of my view on this Week in Wrestling, click the link above and read Wrestling v. Soaps.
Get Ready, There’s More to the Story, Ready For More, and You’ll Never Believe What Happens Next.
The WWF’s next job is to make those taglines apply to their show.
Good Luck to them.