A Wrestling News Report 10.31.02

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

On Monday Night Raw, Triple H was humiliated when the Hurricane revealed the results of Triple H’s colostomy. Triple H then proceeded to beat upon the dead body of Katie Vick, thus getting the last laugh. You see, Triple H knocked off Katie Vick’s wig! KATIE VICK WAS A MAN! KANE KILLED AND RAPED A MAN!

Helldorado is expected to open on September 26th next year with a different title. If I may make a suggestion, how about, “He’ll Do, Rado.” See, the Rock’s character’s name would be Rado, and… never mind.

Big Poppa Pump, known to wrestling insiders as Scott Steiner, has agreed to join the WWE. The WWE released a statement, saying, “World Wrestling Entertainment is happy to announce it has signed Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner.” Meanwhile, Scott Steiner released a statement, saying, “First of all, a big shout out to all my freaks out there. Hollar if ya hear me! Now, the WWE wants Scott Steiner, Big Bad Poppa Pump Voodoo Daddy, to come on their program and do the show. They wanted me, they want me to come on and wrestle other wrestlers like the Rock and Triple H, they want me. See, it goes like this: (Long Pause.) No one can stand up to me, cause no one even compares to the biggest man in the world today. I got freaks in all the different places in the, hey, I’m Superman! No one can do for the WWE what I can do for the WWE, which is I’m going to beat every one of their asses! That includes Vince and his daughter Linda if they don’t know who I am or I’ll knock you out, punk! A lot of people, they look at me and wonder what kind of man Scott Steiner is, and let me be the first to tell you that I’m a genetic freak of nature in the WWE. I’m bringing my giant pipe and we’re gonna get some more of ME! You don’t know what I’m capable of doing with my Steiner Recliner to you and your extended family! I’ve got the hook up! Hollar if ya hear me!”

That was one of the most enjoyable things I’ve ever written.

Hey! Ernest Miller got a tryout match on Raw. I dunno, it took awhile, but I started to enjoy watching him. I can only pray that this leads to the return of James Brown in a wrestling ring.

By the way, that’s halfway serious. The Brown/Miller/Gangrel angle looked so stupid on paper but turned out to be so much fun. Wait, that was the Maestro. Well, they look the same.

Now that I’ve had a week to think about it, I’d like to address my No Mercy picks. Okay, so Katie Vick didn’t win both the Smackdown and Raw titles. Angle and Edge might not have formed a team during the tag match and won the belts together. While I got the winner right, Crash Holly might not have interfered in the Noble/Tajiri match. Unlike I predicted, Great Story Telling was not the victor in the Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson match. Victoria may have lost to Trish Stratus, which is not exactly like I predicted. Booker T and Goldust didn’t win the tag titles, which I suggested the would win with my prediction. At least I was right about RVD, and I also predicted that no one would be thrown from the top of the cell in the Undertaker-Brock match. So piss off!

Everyone is talking about the Elimination Chamber. Everyone but me. Moving on…

Rhyno promised to be back by the Royal Rumble. He then gored Chris Jericho through a table and asked Stephanie for his reward. The man has been out for a long, long time.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. Vince McMahon blamed everyone for not being HHH, except for HHH.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. As a result, a firing took place. Goodbye, Katie Vick.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. Don’t worry, though. Next week HHH is going to defecate on Kane’s face in the middle of the ring, and then Kane is going to eat it. Vince smells a 5.0.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. While not good in the slightest, it is still better then getting a 3.3. This statement was made by The Big Show, who has been saying a lot of nice things since getting into the main event at Survivor Series.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. The Rick would have watched, but he was too busy whacking it while on the phone.

That last one is unfair. While I have never had phone sex or fallen in love online, I do masturbate quite a bit. Rick, you’re not alone. Stroke one off for me, my brother of the pull.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week, and Vince is said to be shocked by the massive drop. “I thought everyone loved necrophilia? Steph, everyone loves that HHH had sex with a dead body, right?” “Yeah dad. I don’t get it either. Hunter, what do you think?” “The only solution is for me to go over Booker T, Kane, and RVD next week on Raw.” “Huh? Why?” “BECAUSE I AM GAME AND I WANT TO PLAY! *SPIT*” “Hunter, my dress! I just got this last week! This is why we can’t have nice stuff!”

Eric S. says that Stephanie is responsible for the disease that has infected pro-wrestling. Well, I’d like to swing that around. What if it is Eric S. who is responsible for the disease that has infected pro-wrestling? You guys ever think of that? And what if it is Stephanie who is accusing Eric S. of ruining the WWE, instead of Eric S. accusing Stephanie of ruining the company? Hmmmmm? See, you just need to look at it from a different angle.

It doesn’t look like the WWE is going to have two PPV’s a month in 2003. DAMN IT! DAMN IT TO HELL! WWE, I’m practically begging you to take my money here, and you keep screwing it up! Now what am I going to spend it on? People I LOVE? Give me a break, you sons of bitches!

Something retarded is happening with the Lesnar/Lewis match. This is such a lousy idea. Please drop it.

Nash wants to return by the Rumble so he can be part of Wrestlemania. Nash should relax. As soon as he comes back he’s going to get hurt anyway. Who cares if it’s soon or later?

On Smackdown, Paul Heyman tells Brock Lesnar that he can’t beat The Big Show. My God. It’s 1984. 1+1=3. The WWE says it to be true, so it’s true. Okay. Yeah, that works.

Also, Eric Bischoff makes out with Stephanie McMahon. It’s cool, cause Hunter and Eric’s wife are getting it on in the parking lot.

Also, Rey resumes his role as the human projectile. That’s right, WWE, let The Big Show make Rey look like shit. After all, The Big Show is big. Rey is tiny. The huge shall crush the tiny, right?

I feel like ranting for a bit. Rey Misterio should be the Smackdown champion. He is incredibly entertaining, has the crowd in the palm of his hand, and can cut a hell of an interview. He should not be a human projectile for someone who doesn’t give crap about his job anymore. Oh well.

On Velocity, Chuck Palumbo fights D-von. Hurray for Pat Brower!

Junk news. Huzzah.

Plugs.

Deonandan still believes that wrestling is not a sport.

Nason asks if you missed anything by not watching Raw.

Morse did a Mean from jolly old England.

Vanderhost thinks that the WWE needs Jackass if they’re going to be so low brow. Sure, why not?

I missed TNA tonight, well, I didn’t miss it, and I have a big report due tomorrow, so just be glad you got anything at all.