The SmarK Rant for World Wrestling All-Stars: Revolution.
– Well, thanks to the miracle of PPV, I was torn between this and Pride, but since watching Ken Shamrock blow the big match is hardly a novel thing anymore, I went with the much bigger potential disaster: WWA Revolution. With their advertised main eventer having pulled out and thus no main event apparent, I figured that if nothing else, it’s always fun to watch startup companies self-destruct on live television. After the show, Scotsman taunted me on AIM with his usual low-brow insults, insinuating that he could somehow trash this show more effectively than I could. Well, as the opiate of the masses, hero to millions, alpha AND omega of your lives, I’m always up for a challenge, especially when I’ve got an ace in the hole. The one secret weapon no other recapper can touch. The greatest offensive arsenal in the war against bad wrestling known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls THE HOT POKER UP THE ASS RATING SYSTEM!
– Today’s lucky victim: Jeremy Borash, who booked this mess. As a helpful visual aid, I will have Mark Madden make HILARIOUS one-liners about his co-host’s painful situation. For those who need the revolutionary HPUTA Ratings System explained, the premise is simple: When my disgust for a show just isn’t adequately expressed by star ratings, we move to next level Ã¢â‚¬â€œ negative ratings. When something is so bad and insulting that I have no more words to express it, I figuratively shove flaming hot pokers up Jeremy Borash’s ass while Mark Madden makes fun of him. If something is good, Disco Inferno will pucker up and kiss Jeremy’s ass to cool it off again. We’ll give it a test run during the pre-game to give you an idea of how it works.
– The pre-game show takes a few minutes to click over properly, apparently because it was done for $3.50 on a Amiga. The same 10-minute spiel is repeated three times, because when it comes down to it, they have nothing to talk about to hype the show, except that their main advertised star, Randy Savage, isn’t there, and they don’t even say that except to flash a “Not AppearingÃ¢â‚¬Â graphic every time they say he’ll be appearing. Ah, but according to the WWF legal precedent, when a wrestling promoter says that someone WON’T be appearing, then they WILL be appearing. Road Dogg was also heavily advertised, but didn’t show up. And yet there was no disclaimer about him. And Buff Bagwell wasn’t even advertised and he no-showed, too. This last one likely indicates that Scotsman is a homo. Man, this is confusing. 5 hot pokers up Borash’s ass for confusing me.
– Live from Las Vegas, NV
– Your hosts are Jeremy Borash & Mark Madden.
– Andrew McManus starts us off with a thrilling, Jim Crockett-like reciting of a prepared statement, telling us about the excitement and surprises we’ll be seeing, all read in a bland monotone. He also announces, after viewers have already bought the show, that Randy Savage won’t be there. BUT WHAT ABOUT ROAD DOGG, YOU BASTARD? Who’s gonna deal for Kronic now?
– Tantric (the “some bandÃ¢â‚¬Â that everyone else seems to be having trouble ID’ing Ã¢â‚¬â€œ basically they’re the remains of Days of the New after Trent fired everyone) does “RevillusionÃ¢â‚¬Â to open the show. Apparently they’re touring with Creed. I thought they WERE Creed 5 hot pokers up Borash’s ass, for starting a show with a live performance of a song that was played like 16 times in the pre-game already.
– Opening match: Nova v. Lowki v. Sharkboy v. AJ Styles v. Tony Mamaluke v. Christopher Daniels. Everyone’s already in the ring. Speaking of the ring, this isn’t in an arena in the normal sense of the word Ã¢â‚¬â€œ it’s a theatre, so the ring (which appears to be actually smaller than WCW’s rings were) is up against the stage on one side of the theatre, and all the seats are on the other side. Behind the ring on the stage is a Jumbo-tron setup, playing endless fractal screensavers that make me feel like I’m having an acid trip. I suppose this could be more bush-league if both announcers were named “TexÃ¢â‚¬Â and there were signs for next week’s square-dancing convention plastered on the walls, but it’s close. 5 hot pokers for not booking an ARENA, which is pretty much the first step involved in being a wrestling promoter. Madden, attempting to put over the youth involved, notes that it’s the first time for everyone on PPV. This of course discounts the millions of ECW PPVs that Nova has appeared on, the one or two that Styles has appeared on and the WCW & ECW PPVs that Mamaluke has appeared on. 2 hot pokers up Borash’s ass for Madden’s gaffe. And what’s the point of sticking everyone in one match? They’ve got three hours to kill, why not split it up into 3 individual matches or a couple of three-ways? Styles & Mamaluke start and do a wrestling sequence. Take a picture, that’s the last one tonight. Mamaluke gets a german suplex on Styles, and Sharkboy comes in with a dropkick and some chops. Mamaluke clotheslines him, but gets bitten on the ass. That spot is dumb enough that it might get over in the WWF. Neckbreaker gets two for, uh, Mr. Boy. Lowki comes in, and he kicks Sharkboy in the head and chops away. Daniels comes in and another problem pops up, as the lighting is so bad that unless you know which bald guy is Lowki and which is Daniels coming in, you’re screwed trying to follow the action. They slug it out and Lowki gets a spinwheel kick. Nova tags in and gets armdragged by Daniels. He knees him down and Lowki joins him for a double-suplex. Madden notes about 18 times that Nova isn’t a “cartoon characterÃ¢â‚¬Â anymore, which is great but he NEVER WAS. He was a comic book character. If he was a cartoon character he’d be hatching evil schemes on a weekly basis and forming the “Kiss My Ass ClubÃ¢â‚¬Â. Lowki springboards into a vicious kick on Daniels for two. Does he do this crazy shit on Jakked and I just haven’t been seeing it? Because if he did this Tajiri stuff in the WWF, he’d probably get a job and a push, being that he’s both bigger and whiter than Tajiri is. Mamaluke suplexes Lowki and goes up, but gets suplexed off by both Lowki and Sharkboy in a spot that’s kind of hard to describe. Mamaluke bails and Sharkboy steps aside to allow Daniels his highspot. In the ring, Styles & Nova go while the director cuts all over the place like Michael Bay on speed, desperately trying to keep up with all the action in and out and thus catching up with nothing as a result. First tip for up-and-coming PPV operations: Hire people fresh out of school who have the energy to keep up with stuff like this. Nova gets a crossface on Styles, but suddenly it’s Sharkboy getting a rana on Mamaluke for two. That’s the kind of amateur editing mistake the WWF almost NEVER makes. See, they stick six crazy motherf*ckers in there for their first live match on PPV and they just can’t follow everyone properly. Sharkboy gets a Diamond Dust on Mamaluke, but Lowki kicks him in the face for the pin at 7:49. Styles and Lowki trade kicks and work the mat, but Lowki just kicks the living shit out of him. Seriously, what the FUCK? Why do these two guys not have a job right now? I was just discussing this subject with David Bix the other night, sort of Ã¢â‚¬â€œ the WWF relies on punching and stomping for all their transitions (IE, the “WWF StyleÃ¢â‚¬Â) but no one in the WWF can punch or kick believeably. What they need are more guys like Lowki and Tajiri who use leg strikes or arm strikes to transition, which are both easier to learn and look far more realistic. For instance, you’ll notice William Regal doesn’t punch Ã¢â‚¬â€œ he uses forearms. Benoit & Jericho usually don’t punch Ã¢â‚¬â€œ they chop. The only guy in the WWF who can throw a good punch is Jerry Lawler, and I don’t see him getting elevated back to the main event any time soon. But I digress. Lowki and Styles collide and tag out, giving us Daniels v. Mamaluke. Mamaluke gets a northern lights suplex for two. Daniels goes up but gets caught in the Tree of Woe, and Mamaluke superplexes him for two. Daniels gets a spinning Pedigree and Styles finishes Mamaluke with a modified pancake (DDP’s face-first piledriver variant) for the pin at 11:27. Nova comes in and pounds Styles, with help from Daniels. Lowki tags in and pounds Daniels with kicks. Daniels gets an Electric Chair drop and Nova drops an elbow for two. Nova goes up, but gets crotched and Lowki turns his plight into a weird submission move. He then follows Nova down with a corkscrew splash that hits Daniels for two. I didn’t see where Daniels even came from. Daniels & Lowki bail and Daniels gets a quebrada. Styles follows with the shooting star press. Nova goes up, but Lowki follows him up, only to have Daniels suddenly pop back in and Rock Bottom Lowki off the top for the pin at 15:23. Nova dropkicks Styles but gets elbowed. Daniels gets neckbreakered for two. Daniels chokeslams Styles and a moonsault gets two. Dragon Sleeper, but Nova comes in and applies his own submission move while Daniels is doing it. Cool three-way sunset flip spot gets two. Styles & Nova head up, but Nova goes down and Daniels takes his place, only to get splatted with that pancake move off the top for the pin at 18:14. So that leaves Nova & Styles, an odd choice. Nova gets two quickie near-falls and a Flatliner for two. Styles gets a german suplex and a front suplex for two. Styles goes up, and Nova follows with a superplex for the pin at 19:41. The finish was somewhat unspectacular compared to the rest. As a whole the match was filled with crazy shit that looked neat once but would probably get dull week in and week out on RAW. Hell, just look at Nova. A lot of the match was dead weight, but Styles & Lowki looked like a million bucks and probably earned themselves a job if anyone from the WWF was watching. Which they probably were, since this played like a 20-minute tryout for everyone. I still don’t get the big deal with Daniels. Sharkboy was neat, but I didn’t see enough of him to tell exactly how good he is. That gimmick is just campy enough to work, though. Mamaluke should either find another career or put on 100 pounds if he wants to be anything but crippled. Nova is Nova. As a spotfest, I enjoyed it, although on a show populated by curtain-jerkers this probably warranted better placement. ***1/2 We’ll let Disco pucker up and cool off Borash’s nether regions with 3 kisses.
– Bret Hart comes out to play commish. He sucks up to the crowd and hypes the show, saying nothing of any note. Since Randy Savage isn’t here, the main event will Jeff Jarrett v. Brian Christopher, a match that barely headlined Memphis 10 years ago. I mean, seriously, yikes. Stick Sabu or Guerrero in there or something, at least they’re names and Sabu has main-evented before, albeit only in ECW. Brian Christopher has never been further up the card than “undercard comedy matchÃ¢â‚¬Â outside of a cup of coffee with the tag titles 2 years ago. Bret then completely goes into the realm of rambling, praising the Canadian hockey team (and thus turning himself heel) before frantically scrambling for a finish and going with the “Kick Osama’s assÃ¢â‚¬Â card as the interview screeches to a crashing halt. Concussions are not a pretty thing, boys and girls.
– Meanwhile, the Funkster schools some midgets on hardcore wrestling while people walk in and out of the background. This would be funny on it’s own, but
– Reno v. Allen Funk. it’s an actual match setup. While Funk’s impersonation of Hulk is dead on and quite funny as a one-off joke, it’s not exactly cutting edge humor. Going out there and pretending to be Hulk Hogan isn’t really funny without some sort of comic twist to it. It’s like watching that Mafia parody movie that came out a few years ago Ã¢â‚¬â€œ at some point, if you don’t do something to distinguish parody from tribute, you just sit there watching different people do the same act and it ceases to be funny. It’s like “yeah, I know Godfather was a great movie, and if I wanted to see the same scene again I’d just pop in the DVD instead of spending $8 to see this crap.Ã¢â‚¬Â I mean, saying that Hulk Hogan is a stale act is not exactly hot news. The WWF already discovered that when their business went into the toilet 10 years ago. Maybe a couple of hillbillies in the front row were going “Dang Jethro, that’s some f*cking brilliant observation on Funk’s part. Maybe next he’ll do his impression of Randy Savage!Ã¢â‚¬Â, but otherwise the joke was beaten into the ground long before Funk got there. 2 hot pokers for Allen Funk taking credit for other people’s hard work. Reno attacks, but gets clotheslined. The shirt gets ripped off and they brawl out and back in again. Funk gets a hiptoss and a unique face-first slam for two. Reno drops him on the top and Funk bails. Reno beats on him and they head back in. Reno stomps away and gets a gutwrench for two. Bearhug into an overhead suplex gets two. Legsweep gets two. Funk comes back with a sunset flip for two, but he gets clotheslined and Reno hits the chinlock. Funk fights out but gets suplexed for two. He tries to Funk up, but misses the big boot. Reno Rolls the Dice, but then goes up for some reason, and of course misses. The Funkster comes back again, and this time he hits the big boot, and a piledriver/legdrop combo finish at 7:42. Apparently no one told Reno that this was a comedy match. Neither guy looked particularly better than they did in WCW. *1/2
– Meanwhile, Big Poppa Pump arrives.
– Disco Inferno comes out and complains about not having an opponent. So he punishes all of us, joining the announcing team. He and Madden sit there and insult each other to kill time. Talk about shooting fish in a barrel, both ways Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Disco goes for the fat jokes, Madden goes for the nose jokes. Might as well make fun of Scotsman for attemping to write a PPV recap if you’re going for the easy shots. 5 hot pokers for putting Disco on TV again.
– Kronic v. Native Blood. Hey, look, it’s my favorite gimmick Ã¢â‚¬â€œ the Feisty Native American Jobbers. You know, you’d think by now someone would see the inherent contradiction in using the PC term “Native AmericanÃ¢â‚¬Â while having two guys in warpaint, head-dresses and loincloths out there doing a wardance, but at this point I’m pretty sure irony is completely lost on this group. I didn’t quite catch the names of the victims, although I think the fat one is “Navajo BlanketÃ¢â‚¬Â and the other one is “Chief Running GagÃ¢â‚¬Â or “WindbreakerÃ¢â‚¬Â or something. Much like a prisoner on death row, I’m just hoping for a quick end to the suffering. Kronic fights off a vicious sneak attack while Disco hyper-references every Indian gimmick he can think of in a desperate attempt to sound witty. Adams presses Navajo Joe out of the ring, and back in a full-nelson slam gets two. Clarke powerslams the smaller one, Running Water, and gets the uranage. Adams gets double-teamed for two, seemingly more concerned about the flow of his hair than any damage. He makes his own comeback, and Clarke comes in with the Meltdown on Running Scared for two. High Times finish at 5:17. Presumably Kronic goes back to smoke the peace pipe afterwards. I could use some medicinal assistance myself after that match. 10 hot pokers (one for each joint smoked before and after the match by Kronic). The great spirits of workrate are ANGRY! -** Although I can just picture the conversation Kronic would have afterwards
“Shaka, Brah! After that awesome match the WWF would be FOOLS not to sign us back again!Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Yeah, the way we no-sold all that offense has to impress them. If they signed Hall & Nash, we can’t miss! We can no-sell anything they can, and more.Ã¢â‚¬Â
“We can even do that gimmick we talked about, where I go back to being Crush again.Ã¢â‚¬Â
“I thought I was Crush.Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Weren’t you Adam Bomb?Ã¢â‚¬Â
“That was like, 8 years ago! How do you expect me to remember that?Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Well, which one of us threw the little footballs into the crowd?Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Wasn’t that Diesel?Ã¢â‚¬Â
“No, that’s Kevin Nash.Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Kevin Nash threw the little footballs into the crowd?Ã¢â‚¬Â
“Man, I don’t even know anymore.Ã¢â‚¬Â
– Meanwhile, a deranged midget steals the microphone from Terry Taylor and cuts a shockingly good promo. That’s one angry midget, yo.
– Next PPV: April 14 Ã¢â‚¬â€œ The Erruption. Wow, sounds like crrap. When do we get WWA: Contraception?
– Hardcore MIDGET MADNESS: Tio v. Puppet the Midget Killer. Now that’s a quality midget name. Tio puts a trashcan over Mr. Killer’s head and chairs it. He goes up and splashes the can while Disco cheers for death. It should be noted that the commentary is being piped through the PA, so Madden fires off one-liners that crack up the crowd while these poor guys are killing each other. Admittedly the one-liners are pretty funny, but there’s a time and a place. They head into the ring where Tio legdrops Puppet onto a chair. Puppet gets a powerslam for two as Madden questions the ethics of putting a slogan like “bloody midgetsÃ¢â‚¬Â on your shirt when there’s no blood. I question the ethics of putting “WrestlingÃ¢â‚¬Â in your promotion’s name when there’s no wrestling. Puppet gets a jackhammer for two. Madden’s one-liners (“If they both die and we need to cremate someone, I’ve got a lighter.Ã¢â‚¬Â) keep disrupting the flow of the match. Puppet gets a side-slam for two. Puppet gets a reverse Liontamer, which looks cool and painful until Madden gets another joke in and ruins the effect. Tio comes back, but gets powerbombed for two. Puppet sets up a trashcan, but of course it himself. Tio misses a swanton and they head out, where Puppet finds a bag of tackets, and then lives up to his nickname (the second part of it) by DVD’ing Tio onto the tacks for the pin at 7:00. They tried, but Madden killed them. I don’t rate midget matches anyway. 25 hot pokers up Borash’s ass (one for each joke) for disrespecting the hard work of your talent.
– Before the midgets can even clear out, Scott Steiner joins us. He assaults the midgets as I wonder if that’s a microphone in his pants or he’s just REALLY happy to be working again. Oh, it’s a microphone. Steiner cuts his usual promo about seafood and livestock, which is almost as incoherant as a Scotsman news update, and wants to kick someone’s ass. Luckily, Disco is right there and a beating results.
– Cruiserweight title match: Juventud Guerrera v. Psychosis v. Eddy Guerrero. Eddy looks awesome. Three-way lockup, and they all chop away. Eddy tries to powerbomb Juvy, but apparently he learned from Kidman. They bail and Psy follows with a plancha. Back in, Psy gets a leg lariat on Eddy for two. Front suplex gets two. He misses a charge and Juvy & Eddy go. To the top, a rana on Eddy gets two. Eddy responds with a backbreaker and pounds both guys. He gives Psy a brainbuster for two. The “throw one guy out, do a move on the other guyÃ¢â‚¬Â dynamic here seems kind of forced. Juvy chops at Psy and gets a pumphandle slam for two. Eddy steals a two. Eddy backdrops Psy and chops Juvy down, then gets a backdrop suplex for two. Juvy bails, leaving Psy to bulldog Eddy for two. They set up for a german suplex triple spot, but then change their minds and move on. Juvy gets a missile dropkick on Psy as the match dies by the second. Mr. Oblivious, Jeremy Borash, gives much love and respect to his cruiserweight homies, despite sticking them in a death slot on the card after Scott Steiner, the biggest star on the show. Juvy bails while Psy works on Eddy’s leg in a laughable tease of psychology. Juvy comes back in with an elbow on Psy for two. Eddy pounds Psy down, but he and Juvy suplex Eddy out and then chop each other. Juicy Bulldog gets two. He misses a charge and then collides with Psy on a dropkick attempt and Eddy gets two. This is just turning into a trainwreck. They all head up and Juvy suplexes Eddy, and then legdrops both guys for two. Juvy’s bulldog gets two on Eddy. Tornado DDT gets two on Psy. Eddy tosses Juvy, but gets powerbombed by Psy and they head up, allowing Eddy to knock him down and finish with the Frog Splash at 12:45. They weren’t just on different pages, they were in different books. **
– Eddy cuts a bitter promo about his personal issues, but Jerry Lynn, fresh from the WWF scrap heap, interrupts and mocks his problems. Now why not just do THIS match if you’ve got both guys? Chances are 50/50 that if you hype it for the next show the WWF is just gonna sign one of them away to f*ck with your head anyway, so make like Nike and just do it. Anyway, they brawl and Lynn gets the best of things.
– Devon Storm v. Sabu. What in the blue hell is this match doing two hours into a PPV? Hardcore matches are first-hour wake-up-the-crowd sideshows, not the main attraction. Stalemate to start, and Sabu stomps away, but gets suplexed by Storm. Elbow gets two. German suplex and Sabu bails, but gets a springboard kick and they go tumbling out. Storm suplexes Sabu off the stairs (and onto the ropes) in an ugly blown spot, but Sabu recovers with a pescado. Back in, Sabu gets a senton for two, and into the camel clutch, but he releases and pounds away. Blind charge hits boot and Storm gets a rana and legdrop for two. Northern lights suplex gets two, and Storm hits the chinlock. Backdrop suplex and a moonsault get two. They head out, where Sabu runs him into the railing, and sets up a table. Storm drops him on the stairs and tries a powerbomb off the apron, but misses the table by a foot. Gee, another blown spot in a Sabu match, I’m shocked. Back in, Sabu legdrops him and gets a chair, setting up Air Sabu, for two. Triple Jump Moonsault gets two. Storm fights back with a DVD on the chair for two. Splash gets two. At this point most sane people would realize that their collective moveset is exhausted and call an end to the match, but not the WWA, no sirree. Storm gets a slingshot legdrop for two. Storm tosses him and follows with a tope, then comes off the apron with a splash. You get the feeling they’re just reaching now? He drops Sabu on the railing after f*cking up the first time (which is just silly Ã¢â‚¬â€œ he was going for a wheelbarrow suplex onto the railing, which is totally unnecessary complication for such a throwaway spot Ã¢â‚¬â€œ I mean, just pick the guy up and drop him on the f*cking railing, easy.) and sets up a pair of chairs back in the ring. Sabu reverses a powerbomb attempt onto them and suplexes Storm onto the chairs, then gets an Arabian facebuster. He goes up, but a chairshot sends him out again. They brawl while presumably trying to figure out how to stretch this out even longer, and it ends up with Storm laying on a table over the railing and Sabu diving and missing. The camera completely missed the spot, of course. Not even a replay. Back in, Storm gets the Mindbender (your basic suplex variation) as Borash & Madden go all nuts like he just hit a Stone Cold Stunner or something. “Oh my god, he just gave him the Mindbender! How can he ever survive?Ã¢â‚¬Â It only gets two. After that buildup I was hoping for Sabu to start going into convulsions or something. Even a mere pinfall would be anti-climactic after that hype-job. Oh, yeah, the match is still going on. I feel like I’ve been typing this for 20 minutes as it is and I’ve still got another half-page of notes on this match alone. When even the TRANSCRIPTION is boring, you’ve got a problem. Storm goes up with a splash for two. That’s his THIRD splash spot in this match. Sabu goes up, but Storm follows, and they crash down for no particular reason for a Sabu two-count. Sabu goes up with a sunset flip, blocked by Storm for two. The camera just goes completely crazy here and we miss the whole exchange. Storm chases Fonzie, allowing Sabu to beat on him with a chair. Back in, moonsault gets two for Sabu. Madden gets his one insightful comment of the show, noting that “this match is longer than Vietnam.Ã¢â‚¬Â Fonzie hits Sabu by mistake with a chair, finally ending the madness at 20:38 (!!!) Moses on a motorbike, most of the WWF isn’t even ready for a 20 minute PPV match yet and that’s the greatest collection of talent in North American wrestling history. This one had insanely bad idea written all over it. A quick car-crash match I can handle, but a marathon of crap is just cruel and unusual punishment. *1/2 And after all that, Sabu puts Storm through a table from the top of the WWA-Tron, a spot that was needed, say, 10 minutes into the match as a finish. 20 hot pokers for Borash, one for each minute, plus another 15, one for each blown spot.
– And now, to liven up the pace of the show, it’s a Larry Zbyszko interview! Who the f*ck cares what Larry Zbyszko has to say about ANYTHING? Larry takes us back, very slowly, to the days of the WWWF 30 years ago, and then moves on to bitching about Vince McMahon Jr. (who even calls him that anymore?) and reveals how Vince wanted to be a wrestler but his dad wouldn’t let him. I wish Larry’s dad had the same forethought. So anyway, 20 years ago he and Vince Jr. had a falling-out, and he’s still upset about it. So he calls out Vince for a MATCH, and then insults Jericho because he’s too short to be World champion. Yeah, well, at least he didn’t try to hold up the WWF for a payoff before one of the biggest shows in history in the only main event he’ll ever see, and then f*ck Verne Gagne’s daughter to become champion of a dying promotion once he realized he’d never get back with the WWF as a result, and then go on some two-bit indy PPV griping at Vince McMahon because he’s a hasbeen-who-never-was without a job. This is what happens when you let crazy people shoot their own angles. We’ll give Jeremy Borash 29 glorious hot pokers up the ass for unleashing Larry-Land on us, one for each year that Larry’s been around to bore the shit out of audiences around the world.
– Lenny & Lodi v. Rick Steiner & Ernest Miller. Pardon me while I shit myself with excitement at the tremendous surprise. Miller pins Lenny after a big kick at 0:58. It’s called PLANNING YOUR TIME, guys, and that means not giving Sabu 20 minutes and not letting Larry talk for 15. DUD Miller goes after Madden for some reason after the match. 10 hot pokers because he’s still able to do commentary for the main event.
– WWA World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Brian Christopher. Brian gets Rikishi’s music. Another 5 hot pokers for stealing the work of others. We get that grade-A mike work from Christopher before the match, as he counters the crowd’s “Jarrett SucksÃ¢â‚¬Â chant by telling us that he knows “for a factÃ¢â‚¬Â that Jarrett doesn’t suck, he swallows. Wow, that was so funny when I first heard it like 5 years ago. Further, he can know this for a FACT? Has he actually witnessed and/or experienced Jarrett taking another man’s loveseed, or is he just spreading malicious rumors about him? Because there’s nothing worse than a rumor-monger. They trade stall tactics to start. Christopher dumbs Jarrett and follows with a baseball slide and some dancing. Back in, he gets a dropkick for two. Sunset flip gets two. Neckbreaker gets two. Jarrett bails and they fight into the crowd, a fight which Jarrett wins. Back in, Brian misses a charge, and more stalling results. Jarrett whips him around the ring and gets a bodypress, reversed for two. It’s like one of those classic Funk-Brisco matches…Allen Funk & Gerry Brisco, that is. Sleeper burns some more time, but Christopher gets his own. Ah, the essential irony of the sleeper-reversal spot: Whereas once the babyface almost tasted the sweet caress of oblivion, soon the tables have turned and now the heel dances with the darkness! Huzzah, scoundrel! Why, yes, I am bored with this review. Superkick and Christopher comes back. Enzuigiri gets two. Tornado DDT gets two. Powerbomb on the floor and they brawl again, and (shock of shocks) the ref is bumped. Didn’t see that twist coming. Christopher chairs Jarrett and gets the Hip-Hop Drop, no ref. A second ref comes in to avenge the unavengable, but the refs end up arguing. El Kabong gets two for Jarrett, and after a ***1/2 ref fight the Stroke finishes at 13:17. Free at last, free at last, thank god all mighty I’m free at last. ** 2 hot pokers up Borash’s ass, one for each referee.
The Bottom Line: This was like a whole bunch of curtain jerkers and a midget match masquerading as a PPV. Bad production values and camera work, WAY too much talking from people who had nothing to do with the show (Bret Hart, Larry Zbyszko, I’m looking at YOU), blown spots all over the place and bad announcing that seemed concentrate on taking cheapshots at the WWF and making inside jokes instead of getting any kind of a storyline across. In short, it was like a Scotsman column come to life.
I’ll leave the final Hot Poker tally as an exercise to the reader, but needless to say Borash will need one of those inflatable butt-pillows for the next PPV.
Thumbs WAY down.