You know what pisses me off the most about the elections? That f*cking Millard Fillmore, that piece of shit duck, is going to have a field day. We must stop that asshole duck, and electing democrats is the only way to go about it.
I’m sure that Eric S will have plenty to say on the subject next week, if he stops crying.
News!
MY 12 STOOGES.
Very recently, I’ve developed problems with 12 writers on the Internet. Now I shall destroy them all with personal facts I’ve learned about them.
Let’s start with my boss and former friend, Widro. You didn’t like the punch bowl I sent you to show my admiration for you? “Thanks, but I don’t know what this is for and I’m kind of creeped out,†you said! Well, wouldn’t the Internet like to know your real name, JONATHAN WIDRO! Take that!
Bob Barron, Mr. “You Never See Anything Like PSYCHOLOGY Anymore†has to be brought down a notch. Well, I’ve hacked into his computer, and I think you should know all about his PORN fetish! That’s right, Bob Barron visits sites that show pornography when he’s not talking about the brilliant five minute headlocks in a William Regal/Dustin Rhodes match. Pervert!
So, Eric S, you like the democrats? You hate the republicans? MY FRIEND IS A REPUBLICAN, YOU BASTARD! One of them must be. Anyway, Eric S has created a completely new persona online. Now while I won’t reveal it just yet, wouldn’t it be surprising if one of the Internet’s most controversial writers was actually a 12 YEAR OLD GIRL? Wouldn’t it, ERICA? Still, I won’t reveal anything just yet.
PK, pay per view prediction toy-boy, told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to publicly bash 11 influential writers on the Internet. NOW IT’S 12, BIATCH! PK has recently had some nasty things to say about Kane and HHH. Why? Well, PK stands for Peter Vick! That’s right, PK is Katie Vick’s brother!
Moving on to Bob Ryder, who woke me up 4 days ago with a phone call at 3 am, just to talk. Bob, when I said any time, I MEANT ANY TIME BUT 3 AM! Now I’m going to tell the whole Internet what you told me! Bob Ryder, respected Internet journalist, goes home to his one room apartment every night, locks the door, closes the blinds, and eats 8 pounds of flan before crying himself to sleep. I guess that 1bob is fitting name for you, Mr. Loneliheart!
CRZ, who recently quit the Internet, did so for one reason which he has never revealed to anyone but me. Guess you should have said hi to me at the Christmas party, you Crazy Retarded Zero! I don’t care that we’re both Jewish, you should have said hi! Anyway, CRZ has never been able to read or write. His mother did all of the typing for him, while he just dictated what he saw. So much for the great CRZ myth!
Okay, halfway done.
Chris Hyatte. This is a hard one. Chris has been one of the nicest people on the Internet to me, as confusing as that sounds to most people who have interacted with Chris Hyatte. Still, he has information on me which he’ll use in his next report, so I have to strike first. Before I do, just let me tell you that it was only the goat and the dog. Anything about a hamster is grossly untrue, for the most part. Now then, Chris Hyatte is afraid of EVERYTHING! That pretty much sums it up.
Flea thinks peeing in someone’s mouth while someone sleeps is just a practical joke. WELL, THE WAR IS ON, FLEA! Flea is properly named, because he is the only intenet wrestling journalist who actually is a flea. He lives on a dog with a cable modem. When he says he’s sitting poolside, that means he’s by the big collection of sweat under the dog’s hind leg.
Ashish, McNeil, Scott Keith and Ken Anderson were all mass married last week. Why am I telling you this? They didn’t invite me!
Wow. So much hate. Maybe one day I’ll learn to love again, but probably not.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Lance Storm loves books, according to his new commentary I didn’t really read. Oh yeah, Lance? Well, if you love books so much, WHY DON’T YOU MARRY ONE?
Breaking news, Lance Storm is engaged to be married to the Gideon Bible.
WWE wrestlers will appear on Blind Date next week. Those little comment bubbles and graphics that pop up are going to be so funny! Stink lines will appear around Rikishi! It’ll be hilarious!
Jerry Lynn won the X-Title tonight on Total Nonstop Action. Jerry Lynn celebrated the victory by once again sitting alone in his hotel room, wondering what the hell happened with his WWE run.
The Boston Globe took a backstage look at the WWE before Raw. The Internet is shocked to discover that HHH does not control every aspect of the show while the reporters are around. I bet you were wondering why Booker T got so much in ring time.
Tonight on Smackdown, Edge and Rey face Benoit and Angle in a 2 out of 3 falls match for the tag team titles. These men, and the Guerreros, are why Smackdown is better then Raw. Welkl, them and the surprising lack of necrophilia on Smackdown. Can’t Brock Lesnar rape Big Show’s dad?
Velocity scored an 0.6 rating last week. While that might seem low, just remember that more people watched Velocity last week then will ever care whether you live or die.
Roddy Piper may appear on NWA:TNA, which may or may not be a step up from 1998’s Shepard. Shepard: When the world is forced underground, you gotta have a Hot Rod!
The Judge Mathis/Missy Hyatte Judge Mathis episode will be on this Friday. Hyatte, set your sites HIGHER. You’re an Internet wrestling journalist, and this is too low even for you.
There is heat on Triple H in the locker room for the Katie Vick angle. Of course there’s heat on him. You know how Kane can control fire, and of course he’ll want revenge.
Did you know that Roddy Piper was a Canadian? I didn’t either.
Jesse Ventura may be in training to fight Brock Lesnar. You know what? After being involved in Politics, I think it’s great that Jesse is getting into a more highly regarded profession.
Scott Keith is said to be thrilled with advance sales of his book. Scott claims that if the numbers keep going up the way they are, he’s going to have to move on to his toes. (See, because never mind. You’re smart enough to figure that one out.)
Lance Storm was fired last week from the WWE because I couldn’t come up with anything. That’s it. This is the last Lance Storm was fired joke I’ll ever make. Oh God. It’s over. I just can’t do it anymore. It used to be so easy, but now it’s forced. Next week, I hope to have a retrospective of all the Lance Storm was fired jokes. You’ve been good to me, my old friend.
Junk News. Huzzah.
PLUGS!
Keith has done another retro rant, this time on the best matches of the Midnight Express. He didn’t particularly like it. Thank God I have this information! Now I can avoid getting the best of the Midnight Express, Volume 3. For a while I was afraid I’d have to purchase it to see if it was any good or not, but now I know it’s not.
JONATHAN reviewed TNA:NWA or switched around. He said it was a pretty good show. Well, Widro’s a pretty good guy. He’s just not *pause* perfect. *spit gum, swat it*
Jacob Ziegler Hmmmm. I don’t like the way he’s reviewing movies. I don’t like that the sack of sappy shit entitled Moonlight Mile got a better review then the best movie of the year, maybe of the past 5 years, Punch Drunk Love. Still, he does quality work, even if his opinions are shit and he shouldn’t even be thinking about the Oscars if he hasn’t seen most of the movies on his list. Still, check out his terrible review of Jackass the Movie, which he seemed to get the point of and then assigned it a number as though he didn’t.
Jesus, someone in the music section gave the Jimmy Fallon abortion an 8.5. Man, sad, sad day.
David Murphy loves Raw. Well, if you love Raw so much, WHY DON’T YOU MARRY IT? Dickwad. That’ll teach David Murphy to love anything.
Time to end the report!
QUOTES OF THE WEEK!
This is easier then actually doing work. If you’ve got a quote that you think should be quote of the week, send it in. It can be from any time or whatever. This week’s theme is the top 5 comic strip quotes from 5 different comic strips I can find in the next 10 minutes. Next week will be, hmm, let’s say, the top 5 quotes a teacher has said in a class of yours. Attribute the quote when you send it in.
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ ”
Charlie Brown.
“I don’t need to compromise my principles, because they don’t have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.â€Â
Calvin
Jesus. All of the good quotes are from Peanuts and Calvin and Hobbes. Well, I knew that anyway. Three more from Calvin and Hobbes, cause it was the best comic strip of all time.
Calvin: I’m a simple man, Hobbes.
Hobbes: You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!
Calvin: I’m a simple man with complex tastes.
In my opinion, television validates existence.
Calvin
Calvin: Let’s try this path over here!
Hobbes: I don’t see a path.
Calvin: We’ll make a path!
That’s enough. Bye.
