A Wrestling Column 11.09.02: Lance Storm Retrospective

As I have decided to say goodbye to the Lance Storm was fired joke, I began to think about how much it meant to me. It allowed me to be lazy when I could have been creative, provided me with material when I didn’t feel like doing research, and changed this world forever. I have compiled most of the Lance Storm was fired jokes in this column, which will hopefully serve as a historical document for anyone who chooses to follow in my footsteps.

You know, it’s a funny story about how this all got started. See, Lance Storm wrote a commentary for his website on January 11th, 2002, entitled “A Look Forward.” He stated his goals for the new year, and ended with a goal I found somewhat amusing.

“My last goal of 2002 is to finish it working for the same company I started the year with. I think this should be an easy one but after moving from WCW to the WWF in 2001, moving from ECW to WCW in 2000, a year without change would be a welcome one. I’ve only really had 2 exclusive years in my career where I only worked for 1 company, 1996 with WAR and 1999 with ECW. Every other year had over lap of some kind between companies. Stability is a rare thing in this business and I’m ready for as much of it as I can get.”

And so it began

1/17/02

Lance Storm hopes to not be fired this year. Yeah, and I want a million dollars. Eat me.

1/24/02

Lance Storm thought the Rumble was better when the winner didn’t go to Wrestlemania. Vince read this and promptly set into action a series of events that will have Lance fired by the end of the year.

There was then a long dry spell of Lance Storm is fired jokes. There were jokes about Lance Storm, but none actively dismissed him. It looked as though I had simply gone through a phase until

3/14/02

Lance Storm has a terrible, terrible life, and he’s going to be fired in two weeks.

3/15/02

The WWF Diva’s special tanked in the ratings. Blame is being put on the shoulders of Lance Storm, who will be fired shortly.

3/28/02

Hey! WWF’s rating is actually getting higher for RAW! Vince is attributing the recent success to Brock Lesnar, who will take Lance Storm’s spot when Lance is fired next week.

Did you know that Lance Storm actively dislikes me? Well, he does!

4/11/02

Funaki pinned Lance Storm on the Jakked tapings. I just don’t get it! Lance is a huge talent, he does the job to Funaki, and yet the WWF is going to fire him in one week. This sucks! Lance, we here at 411 have your back.

5/09/02

Subject Line: You’ll never guess who was just fired! That’s right, LANCE STORM!

Lance Storm released the following statement following Scott Hall’s firing. “What? I was fired?! Oh! Scott Hall. Airplanes suck!” After a protest from the airline industry, Lance Storm was fired as well.

Kevin Nash did a promo with his watch that was cut from Raw. As a result, Lance Storm was fired.

Somebody cut off Michael Haye’s hair on a plane in the UK. Scott Hall was not said to be involved, which whittles down the suspects. Let’s see Hogan’s back the show’s have been getting progressively worse MY GOD! ED LESLIE HAS RETURNED! THE BARBER HAS COMEBACK AND SHAVED MICHAEL HAYE’S HEAD!

This just in the culprit was actually Lance Storm. He was fired an hour ago. More on this as I get details.

This just in: Bubba Ray Dudley is not “Happy as a clam.” That information was leaked to me by embittered former WWF employee Lance Storm. Lance, you’re not helping anyone with your lies. Try to get on with your life, and for God sakes, get that Canadian stink off of you!

Kevin Kelly hates gay people. As a result, Lance Storm was fired. He will not be missed.

I’m not going to lie to you guys. I’m just trying to get him to send me an e-mail telling me to stop. That would be awesome!

5/16/02

I feel better. Unfortunately my drinking has become a problem and Widro has been forced to fire Lance Storm.

Raw did an awful rating. Lance Storm was fired.

(Wow. I had an awful lot of jokes about Lance Storm dying. Doesn’t matter.)

5/23/02

Raw did a 3.7 this week. Vince McMahon called Lance Storm into his office. “Lance,” Vince McMahon said, “Would you like to tell me why my product did a 3.7 rating?” “I don’t know, I’m not on Raw,” replied Lance. “Thank you, Lance,” said Mr. McMahon. Lance Storm left the office without incident.

When wondering why Venis was never able to get over completely, Vince McMahon called Lance Storm into his office. “Lance,” Vince McMahon said, “Would you like to tell me why Val Venis has never really gotten over despite his initial appeal and porn star gimmick?” “Maybe he just lacks that certain it,” replied Lance Storm. “Thank you, Lance,” said Mr. McMahon. Storm left the office without incident.

Triple H and Lance Storm have a match. Responding to the NWO situation on Raw, Lance Storm tried to pull a power play and refused to do the job to Triple H. Lance barged into Vince McMahon’s office and said, “It’s time for a change, Vince! I’m here, I’m ready to step up and save this company! All you have to do is… is that a pink slip? Hey, look, would it be okay if I got some offense in? Why is security surrounding me? I tell you what, how about I let him no sell all my offense, take a pedigree and lose the match in under a minute? We cool? Awesome!” Lance Storm left the meeting without incident.

This just in! X-Pac quit in protest on Monday. Kevin Nash never came close to quitting. Scherer is passing this off like it’s no big deal. Eric S. sees it as the worst thing to ever happen to wrestling. I think it’s so stupid that we dwell on this at all. All of this crap. I mean, a threat to quit and a slight changing of an angle became the biggest story of the year so far. We’re pathetic, all of us. We’re pathetic for caring. We’re pathetic for reporting it. I’m pathetic for making jokes about it. Pathetic, PATHETIC, PATHETIC!!!!!

But not as pathetic as Lance Storm, who was dragged out of Titan Towers kicking and screaming like a baby after being fired for taking a dump on Vince’s desk. He thought the two of them had become “friends.”

When informed of the book that Vince Russo was writing, Vince McMahon fired Lance Storm.

5/30/02

As we all know by now, some idiot jumped into the ring and pushed Eddie Guerrero off of a ladder during his match against Rob Van Dam. The idiot was then tackled by security, which consisted of a bunch of incompetent rugby players. Eddie managed to get a shot in on the idiot, as did many of the embarrassed rugby players. I guess the lesson to be learned here is that as long as there are idiots who will chant “WHAT” at every pause in every wrestling show, there are idiots who do not realize they should not push people off of ladders, in or out of the ring.

The buck had to stop somewhere, and as a result of the ladder incident Lance Storm was fired.

There’s this add for Six Flags great adventure on my tv right now. It’s Willa Ford singing “I Wanna Be Bad” and it ends with a seal, a BAD SEAL, jumping out of some water before firing Lance Storm.

6/06/02

Kidman and Storm fight in a pink slip on a pole match. Storm loses and is fired.

I have some bad news for all you Lance Storm fans out there. I’m kind of shocked and upset, and while we shouldn’t reap the benefits of a man losing his livelihood, I’d still like to declare this a 411wrestling exclusive. Here we go. Big boy breath here. I gotta be a man.

Lance Storm was fired from the WWE yesterday, only 3 days after the now infamous HHH switchblade incident in which Lance Storm lost his penis.

Actually, Lance is kind of depressed about all of this. Go to http://www.stormwrestling.com/comments/ and send Lance a message. Tell him you’re sorry about the HHH switchblade incident and we all hope he gets a new job and penis soon.

Really, do this. I want to get some reaction out of him, negative or positive. I don’t know why he’s completely ignoring me. Lance, very few people take me seriously and those who do don’t know me. I’m not out to hurt you or your family. Just acknowledge the fact that I am alive. You don’t return my e-mails, you don’t return my phone calls. I have yet to receive a thank you card for the fruit cake I sent you. And if we’re such good friends, why’d you have security haul me away when I jumped into the ring and tried to help you beat Randy Orton? I thought we were friends, Lance. Didn’t you get my nude photos? Friends!

6/13/02

There’s a new ESPN article about steroid use in wrestling and baseball. Hey! P.E.N.S. HAHAHA! I love changing letters around. Also, Lance Storm has been fired for playing baseball under the name of Mo Vaughn.

Vince McMahon reacted to the news well, curling into the fetal position and crying like a baby before booking a match between himself and Flair. It was small comfort to him to fire Lance Storm.

Lance Storm faces retirement. (Lance Storm, by the way, has not updated his comment board since that little prank we played last week. Man. I kind of feel lousy.)

6/27/02

The creative team is upset with Kidman, who has apparently refused to go forth with a program with his real life fiance Torrie Wilson. After they tried pressuring Kidman by firing Lance Storm, they then decided to all have sex with Torrie in front of him. Kidman is said to be furiously aroused.

7/4/02

Rikishi defends our honor vs. Lance Storm, cause we all know that America is so cocky that we won’t dignify Lance Storm with an REAL American. Screw Storm, the fired bitch! We’ll send an overweight, dancing Samoan to that ring to fight the Canuck, confident that will take care of the entire problem.

The creative team still has no idea what to do with Flair, as he does not want to be a regular wrestler. He didn’t sign on to be a regular wrestler. Let Foley complain about Flair all he wants, but Flair is the classiest act in the business now that Lance Storm has been fired for urinating on a fan.

And now, a note I sent to Lance Storm after the announcement of his firing was made earlier this week. There has been no response.

“As you may know, Chris Jericho has left the Internet and is refusing to update his commentary. In my news report on Thursday, I’m going to imply that he quit as a protest to you being fired for the 50th time by the WWE. I also plan on stating that the news of your termination was delivered to you by a forlorn looking Crash Holly, wearing nothing but a diaper and Canadian Flag bandana. I was wondering if you would like the chance to comment on these extremely disconcerting circumstances?

Yours Truly,

Joshua Grutman”

Lance Storm is obviously too upset to comment. We here at the 411 family wish him the best.

7/11/02

The biggest story of this week was the firing of Lance Storm. I’ve made my stance on the beating of women very clear, and Lance continuously bitch slapping Linda McMahon is unacceptable. Still, I think he may have been able to retain his job if he had not urinated on her while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Christian was fired for cheering on Lance while this happened. Test was there too, but he has IMMUNITY, BABY!

7/25/02

Hogan and the Rock faced the Canadian Tag Team champions. It’s going to be interesting to see what the WWE does with the titles after the firing of Lance Storm. Maybe they’ll give Test the other belt.

Lance Storm recently walked out on Vince McMahon during a contract negotiation. Lance Storm wanted more money, and Vince McMahon wanted him out of the building in 5 minutes.

God has decided to spare Lance Storm eternal torment and allow him in to Heaven. I kid! Seriously, I’m bummed out about Lance Storm’s untimely death at the hands of that handless guy. Having it come right after he was fired must have made it twice as horrible. He’ll be missed by 5 people.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after screaming at Vince McMahon about the proper way to floss.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after making out with Vince McMahon and not calling him the next day.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday for no good reason. So a guy steals 3 million dollars worth of office supplies! So what?

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after writing an impassioned memo/mission statement about how the WWE should try to put on the best show possible for the fans. He was joined by a hot chick and her sickeningly cute kid.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after it was discovered that he was Canadian.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after he stated that his favorite movie was Spice World.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday because Vince McMahon is JEALOUS!

Vince McMahon was fired yesterday when Lance Storm discovered him eating Stephanie’s panties. That was not a typo.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after months of painful torture at the hands of Shane McMahon.

Lance Storm, after being fired from the WWE, signed a deal with NWA: TNA. Good luck, Lance.

Lance Storm was fired by Jerry Jarrett yesterday after getting drunk and peeing on Scott Hall.

Lance Storm resigned with the WWE at a substantially lower price then his last contract.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday when Vince McMahon drove his car out to an undisclosed location and told him, “Run boy! You’re free!”

Lance Storm was fired yesterday for being too cool for school.

The failure of Brock Lesnar’s push has led to Lance Storm being fired. Blame had to be placed somewhere.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday when he accidentally ate the last donut. He thought there was another box, but there wasn’t. Lance Storm ate the last of the donuts, the bastard!

Lance Storm was fired from his other job at the gas station. Mustafa Zabuma sadly dismissed the professional wrestler, who put on the most pathetic display of begging ever seen.

In a weird bit of news, Widro fired Lance Storm yesterday, although no one knows why.

8/1/02- Contest for readers to come up with Lance Storm jokes. I did not make any myself. Let us move on.

8/8/02

Lance Storm was fired for having a conversation with his wife about having another child.

A dog fired Lance Storm for pooping in a field of wheat. What a glorious field it was. I’m so drunk. At least I wish I was.

Lance Storm shot and killed NWA X Champion Lo Ki. Lance Storm was arrested and put on trial. He was found innocent but insane and forced to live in a mental hospital for 28 years. He then got out and snorted a line of cocaine off of Stephanie McMahon’s 18 year old son’s nipple. He was fired.

8/15/02- I received a letter from the good people at the Waxahachie YMCA in Texas. They informed me that they had taken to teasing the kids by firing them, declaring them “Lance Stormed.”

According to an ad in a cable bill (always the most reliable source for news) it looks like Brock Lesnar will be beating the Rock at Summerslam. Did anyone ever really stop and think why this is happening with Brock Lesnar? They tried pushes like this with others, but they always backed down right when the wrestler was getting really hot. Why go all the way with Brock? Four Words: Fuck You, Steve Austin. I swear to God, that’s the only reason Vince is doing this. It’s the same reason he fired Steve Austin’s close friend, Lance Storm.

8/22/02

WWE has reported a 2.8 MILLION DOLLAR drop in revenue in their first financial quarter. I want you to all take a guess who was blamed, and who was fired because of this. Go on, guess. No, not the Rock. Not Steve Austin, no. I’ll tell you later.

WWE used to be in the top 15 of searches on the web, but now it is 30th. Vince McMahon doesn’t know who to blame, so he fired Lance Donaldson, head of the website. What?

Oh, and Vince fired Lance Storm for costing the WWE 2.8 million dollars in profits. Damn you and your need for antique horse saddles, Lance Storm! DAMN YOU!

Lance Storm did not respond to being fired well. Luckily, I have obtained an interview with Lance Storm. It took place last Sunday as I stalked him through the parking lot of a Food Emporium, where he had been shopping with his family.

Joshua Grutman: Mr. Storm, first of all allow me to say it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.

Lance Storm: What?

Joshua Grutman: Mr. Storm, how do you respond to being fired by the WWE for your obsession with Horse Saddles of the antique nature and how this has cost the company 2.8 million dollars.

Lance Storm: Jesus! I get you guys enough on my website! I’m with my family. Go away.

Joshua Grutman: Are you avoiding the question? Do you not want your children to know you have a problem? Kids, do you know that your father has been fired?

Lance Storm: SHUT UP! Kids, daddy hasn’t been fired.

Kid 1: Daddy, are we going to have any more money?

Lance Storm: Of course we are.

Joshua Grutman: No you’re not. According to my news report, you’ll be homeless by October, right when it really starts to get cold.

Kid 2: NO! DADDY, I DON’T WANT TO BE HOMELESS!

Lance Storm: Shhh. We won’t be homeless. I don’t know who you are, but you get the hell away from me and my family right now.

Wife: Honey, is this that Joshua Grutman fellow you told me about?

Joshua Grutman: So you do know who I am! That’s great. If you’re ever in NYC and homeless, you can spend a night on my porch.

Lance Storm: SHUT UP! STORM GETTING ANGRY! STORM POWERS ON!

At this point a huge gust of wind swept down from the sky and whisked me away. I complained about this to the WWE, and Lance Storm was fired.

8/29/02

Moving on, we have an action packed report this week! Well, maybe not action packed, but certainly controversial. If not controversial, then the same old crap in the same old package. I’m sure that there’ll be a Lance Storm got fired joke somewhere in there.

Hardcore Holly and Matt Hardy yell at Stephanie while she yells at Dawn Marie about a contract of some kind. Dawn Marie just wishes that everyone would stop yelling at her. She asks Stephanie if she could go somewhere safe, somewhere familiar, somewhere near Lance Storm. Stephanie says yes and fires the both of them. Lance Storm then writes a six page long commentary about how lousy his flight back to Calgary was. “I asked for peanuts, and a 500 pound weight fell on my head! I HATE THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY! From now on, I’m just going to jog from town to town. Well, I would if I still had a reason to travel.”

Vince and Linda will not pay themselves bonuses this year. When business is down everyone has to make sacrifices. One of the wrestlers is following suit, sacrificing food, a house, money and the risk of losing his family due to alcoholism. I’m sorry, those aren’t sacrifices. Lance Storm was fired.

9/05/02

Big changes may be on the way to the WWE, as Vince McMahon seems to be realizing that the style that made the WWE big again just isn’t working. Changes, such as, let’s say, oh I don’t know, firing Lance Storm?

Raw has fallen to a 3.6 rating. Many in the industry blame this on the UnAmericans, more specifically on Lance Storm. Lance Storm is defiant, though. “You’ve fired me over a hundred times for reasons ranging from peeing on Linda McMahon to the WWE Diva’s special getting a low rating. Fire me! I don’t give a crap anymore! Go ahead and fire me again! I’ll go home, and there’ll be a box of flowers and an apology note just like all the other times! I dare you to AGGH!” Storm was cut off when every member of the WWE roster stabbed him. Lance turned to his friend and said, “Et tu, Teste?”

(For some reason, Lance Storm wasn’t fired for the next two weeks.)

9/26/02

Lance Storm is very glad to not be dead after Bubba Ray dumped him on his head.

Lance Storm is still in a lot of pain, because a disc drives him insane.

Lance Storm is still a happy chap, although his neck Bubba almost did snap.

Lance Storm was fired for gross incompetence.

10/10/02

Lance Storm is in major trouble with the WWE. I’m serious this time. It was reported by all a bunch of sites. Major, major trouble. I know I’ve made a lot of Lance Storm jokes over the years, but I honestly hope this blows over and he’s able to keep his job. Still, nobody anally rapes Shane McMahon and gets away with it. No one, Lance.

10/24/02

Now Flea is going to say that he doesn’t read my column. You’re so f*cking predictable, Flea! I’m the most unpredictable person on the Internet! How could you even hope to catch up?

Lance Storm was fired for peeing on a goat. HAHAHAHA! Didn’t see that one coming, did you Flea?

10/31/02

Subject line: Is Triple H the cancer that is tearing apart the WWE? Of course not. It’s Lance Storm. Thank God he was fired.

11/7/02

Lance Storm was fired last week from the WWE because I couldn’t come up with anything. That’s it. This is the last Lance Storm was fired joke I’ll ever make. Oh God. It’s over. I just can’t do it anymore. It used to be so easy, but now it’s forced. Next week, I hope to have a retrospective of all the Lance Storm was fired jokes. You’ve been good to me, my old friend.

*

And that’s it. I’d like to think that we’ve all been a part of something very special here, especially me. We might not have moved the Earth, but we made jokes about Lance Storm being fired, especially me.

That being said, and while I doubt Lance Storm will read this, I’d like to proudly admit that over the course of writing these jokes, I’ve become a big fan of his. I wish him continued success and employment. I mean with NWA:TNA, since the WWE just fired him.