Success is my only mothaf*ckin’ option, failure’s not – Eminem, “Lose Yourself”
That’s pretty much what’s it come down to for Raw these days, hasn’t it? Smackdown shows a match that Keith gives four and a half snowflakes to, while Raw viewers only have the anticipation of the Elimination Chamber at SurSer to look forward to.
They’ve got to do something with someone other than Bischoff, and do it right now, otherwise…oh, hell, I don’t want to have to watch f*cking Smackdown to get quality wrestling every week. It’s just too damn inconvenient for me.
(And no goddamn cracks about me quoting Eminem in order to somehow “relate” to the younger generation that makes up the audience here. I don’t need to relate to them. Hell, I don’t WANT to relate to them. I don’t want to relate to people who have no memories of presidents before f*cking Reagan, okay?
It’s just too difficult. Besides, fifty-four mil at the box can’t be argued with.)
THE PIMP SECTION
Hell, there’s nothing to pimp. Hopefully it’s because everyone had the holiday off. Christ knows that I, as a veteran, didn’t. Of course, I’ve played that tune too many times before, so I’ll just move on.
No, I won’t. Memo to that smarmy little prick who Hyatte printed yesterday who insulted me and the Glorydog for not talking about wrestling in our columns. Look, bitch, I pioneered not talking about wrestling in a news column. Hyatte pioneered not talking about wrestling in a recap.
We are the innovators, everyone else followed our leads. You should bow down before us and start licking our assholes clean for saving the IWC from news columns everywhere being Samuda McNuggets. Unappreciative asswipe.
TURNING PRO
So I saw my shrink on Saturday (as cheers come up from the audience), and we’re beginning another chemical experiment with my brain: I’m being habituated to Lexapro now, and at the same time being weaned off Paxil in half-dose measures…you know, I should have told him that I’ve gone off Paxil cold turkey before without any problems.
However, I put myself into his hands on this one. He knows better than I do. So, in about a month or so, I should have a good idea of exactly how Lexapro works on me, which is something that a lot of you have wondered about (No shit, people have been writing me asking about it; I get the weirdest f*cking mail you’ve ever seen).
Sorry if I kept anyone waiting in suspense.
WHERE THE ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO GOOD COMES SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN…
Oh, Oklahoma, how could you do this to us? Losing, and to the Faggies no less? That puts us one step closer to Our National Nightmare, Ohio State in the national championship game. Fortunately, the Fuckeyes have two roadblocks ahead of them in the Illini and, naturally, Michigan.
Of course, Miami still has Virginia Tech to get through. I think the best thing that every college football fan could root for right now is for Ohio State to lose to Illinois (due to weakness of opponent) and Miami to lose to VATech. The bitching and moaning over letting the computers sort out the situation between all those one-loss teams should bring us one step closer to that playoff everyone but the college presidents and certain clueless ESPN commentators wants.
Hell, it’s already starting with the normal “Well, X beat Y, so why is Y ahead of X in the polls?” stuff vis-a-vis Oklahoma and Texas in the coaches’ poll. Given the proper circumstances, this might be fun to watch.
BESTIALITY
Certain servers apparently based in Amsterdam, so I’ve heard, are offering a new downloadable film from America called “Fucked By Zebras”. It’s the last two minutes of the Bears/Patriots game. I haven’t seen officiating like that since the last few seconds of US/USSR at Munich…oh, sorry, I forgot, Jeff Triplette’s still employed by the NFL.
Dumbass calls, the crowd’s sorely-understated “Bullshit” chant, and Randy Cross babbling his ass off like the chimpanzee on speed that he is. And now the Rams next week. Can you say “Eight-Game Losing Streak”? I don’t think I can stand Bears losses combined with smug comments from BFM (viz. the Rams) and Big Daddy (viz. Ohio State).
There’s no amount of medication that can help me.
Of course, I blame this on Dubbaya.
And speaking of that…
YOU’RE A MORON: CNN SAID DON’T CALL US, WE’LL CALL YOU
Aw, whassa matter, li’l Shitszewcski? Is the widdle pissant pissed off because most of his butt-buddy Clinton’s candidates had their asses handed to them? Awwwwwwww… – sgc1@airmail.net
YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST, YOU LOST – Faked e-mail address
These were the two most moronic comments I received after last week. I was also told by some other writers to leave the country, obvious trolls about liberals being the most evil things on Earth, being called a tree-hugging faggot (So what does that mean?
I only hug male trees?), etc., but they couldn’t top these for sheer imbecility and misinterpretation.
So let’s see, was I pissed off? Funny, I said I wasn’t (I said that I was “conflicted”). Disappointed at the results of the nationals, yes, but not pissed off. However, these asinine correspondents seem to think that only national politics counts.
Wrong answer. Consider these facts:
1) The Democrats regained the Illinois governorship after twenty-six years.
2) The Democrats regained the Wisconsin governorship after umpteen years.
3) The Democrats regained the Illinois State’s Attorney’s office (You think that Dubbaya possibly being able to push federal judges through the Senate is power? Check out the power of your average State’s Attorney sometime). However, as Peter Stork put it to me:
Is it just me, or is there just something wrong with Daughter Madigan’s face? All her campaign pictures looked like she was the result of Mike banging a poodle.
4) My local state representative district switched back to Demo.
5) The Demos regained control of the Illinois Senate, thus giving Rod the Mod a compliant partisan legislature.
Personally, the results of the nationals were the dark lining on a shimmering silver cloud. You GOPricks seem to forget one thing: Dubbaya still doesn’t have the Magic Sixty in the Senate. If he decides to be a complete idiot and sponsor a judicial candidate who wears an SS armband on his robes or starts to throw out a Christian Right agenda or some ridiculous thing like that, it’s Filibuster Time, and Mad Dog can’t cloture it on his own.
Also, this may get John Kerry involved in the Big One for 2004, and who would you rather have in the White House during a time of struggle, a real war hero or a guy who has to start his own war to be one?
Also, would a person who was upset do things like congratulate Liddy Dole for winning (especially against the ur-Clintonista, Erskine Bowles)? Or think that the populace of California and Pennsylvania were imbeciles for electing Democrats as governor (well, those particular governors)?
Or that James Talent was the lesser of two evils for the Senate race in Missouri? Or to wish that Norm Coleman won Minnesota in order to keep the Tie Vote out of Mad Dog’s hands (a situation that happened between press time and publication)? Gee, those don’t seem like the words of someone who was upset.
How about reading the damn column sometime instead of just assuming things?
Speaking of replacements, a number of people asked me who I’d prefer being the next House Minority Leader, Harold Ford or Nancy Pelosi. I’d go with Ford given my comments last week about California Demos being some of the worst examples of my party to put forward in any situation.
My best counter-argument would be that Pelosi looks better than Gephardt. Oh, by the way, I’m happy that the Eyebrowless Wonder’s ducked out. Uninspiring, shrill, charismaless…if Lisa Madigan’s the Stephanie McMahon of Chicago Politics, Dick Gephardt is Steph on a national level.
Memo to Jay Anderson: I’m more centrist than you think, and the way to win on the national level is to play to the center and expose the other side for its extremism, especially if your image is one of being too far to the center for the average voter (a lesson learned by the Demos with Clinton, by the Labour Party in Britain with Blair, and by the Social Democrats in Germany with Schroeder).
The only chance of removing the Junta from occupation is to play to the center right now. Reserve the blatant moves for afterward. However, I appreciate your sentiments.
And speaking of Steph, which I was in the paragraph before the Memo, she may not be on Raw (well, all of the time), but that’s the show I get to discuss.
THE SHORT FORM
http://www.411wrestling.com/tvreports/article.php?tvreports_id=880“>PK is back, http://www.411wrestling.com/tvreports/article.php?tvreports_id=879“>Keith is always here, while I’m sort of in limbo.
Match Results:
Rob Van Dam and Kane over Chris Crass, Tag Titles Match (DQ, abuse of chair): Welcome to the Rob Van Dam Highlight Reel. If you ever wondered what Ricky Morton would have been like had he been a spot artist, that question has now been answered.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a set of tag champs, even in weaselly heel mode, put in as little offense as Jericho and Christian did in this one. The only way I can figure out this booking is to give Van Dam and Kane a little cred boost going into the Elimination Chamber Match.
But where does that leave Jericho? First to be eliminated, chairshots and promos notwithstanding.
Jeff Hardy over Lance Storm (Pinfall, Swanton): Yeah, that’s why I defended my country: to allow Jeff Hardy to wear patriotic-themed body paint to the ring. Jesus H. Christ. And one more point: okay, I’m grateful for it.
The guy does deserve it after sacrificing his body all those years and having what’s probably ending up as permanent back damage. That being said, what the hell is Tommy Dreamer doing feuding against Storm and Regal? The character doesn’t fit the feud, and his involvement with Jeff Hardy might seem to be a little strange (however, he is Hardcore, so that might explain it).
Maybe if Dreamer and Storm had some long-term issues back in ECW, this would make a little sense, but he’s in there just to get some kind of sustained push. I like seeing certain guys pushed, but not as blatantly as this. Let the push serve the storyline and make sense.
Dave Batista over D’Lo Brown (Pinfall, sit-out powerbomb): Good time for a short nap, I thought. However, D’Lo’s great ability to sell a beating kept me awake.
Three Minute Warning over Buh Buh Ray and Spike Dudley (Pinfall,…uh, I still can’t tell the difference between them pins Buh Buh Ray, Samoam Drop): Will you please, PLEASE, stop the Jeff Hardy shit, now?
Chris Harvard over Al Snow (Pinfall, Heel Tactics 101): Al Snow really has something to be proud of with Chris. He’s definitely his best student in regard to becoming a complete sports entertainer. He’s already mastered cheap heel heat, and is moving quickly toward a complete heel character.
However, the character doesn’t lend itself to a turn very easily. He (and the backstage talentless chimps) need to broaden his character a little JIC they need him to turn face eventually. Give WWE some credit, though: I don’t think that ECW even used a copy of Bartlett’s as a foreign object.
Test and Stevie Richards over Goldust and Hurricane Helms (Pinfall, Test pins Helms, that funky twisting neckbreaker that Test does): Thanks to teenage boys of every age around the world, there is an infinite fount of dick jokes that WWE can tap into, so Mistah Martin should be safe for the time being in the continued development of his character.
I just can’t believe he’s getting over with it. I mean, I knew he would, but I still can’t believe it.
Trip over Book, Excuse To Pimp The PPV Match (Pinfall, Pedigree): I hate these it-doesn’t-matter main events. It’s a waste of the whole show, really, and a waste of the competitors involved, especially Booker. Yeah, Michaels doing the Pedigree was cute, but only cute.
Angle Developments:
Ignorance Of History Is No Excuse, Even If You Are From Oklahoma: Veterans’ Day started off as Armistice Day, a celebration of the end of World War I (11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, remember?). If memory serves, both Canada and Britain participated in WWI, and before the US did.
Ditto WWII. So why is Veterans’ Day a strictly American holiday, JR, you f*ckstick?
It’s All About The Ego: Looking at the intervenors in the prevention of another sledgehammering to Michaels, I swear that, for a moment, I thought that Trip was going to challenge Slaughter, Taylor, and Arn to a handicap match.
And book himself to go over, of course. My other problem with the whole scenario was seeing a humble Shawn Michaels. Face or heel (post-Sherri), the sense of ego that Michaels exhibited was subtle yet present. You knew he knew he was better than anyone who’d step in the ring with him, but he never had to say so.
Seeing him cut a promo like the one he did was disconcerting, to say the least. More of this kind of stuff from him, and I’ll end up hoping he pulls a Jake Roberts and goes back to the coke-snorting pussyhound of the past.
Well, that’s it for me today, since everyone else has drained any value out of any possible news right now. I’ll be back tomorrow to cover Super Tuesday and anything else that strikes my fancy, and track down that stolen copy of Principia Mathematica in my spare time.
Enjoy.
About Eric Szulczewski
