Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 11.13.02

Archive

I’ll show you how a well-designed process can compensate for your sloth, apathy, and all-around incompetence – Dogbert

I’m one piece of good blank Dogbert clip-art away from posting that quote at work.  I’ve seen more organization at the monkey house at Lincoln Park Zoo than at my current employer (which is one very good reason why I’ve got a face-to-face a week from Sunday; ironically, I interviewed at this place four years and three jobs ago, and now that I have private industry experience, they seem to want me a lot more).  Tonight, I’ll be leaving for an out-of-town meeting at a plant we’re jobbing for.  Now, I get numbers from these guys every week on what they do with the product we give them, and for some reason, every time I look at their spreadsheets, I keep muttering the word “bullshit” to myself.  Let’s hope the drugs hold; they do pay us a lot of money.

You talk so much about politics, what the hell are you doing working in a meat market (or whatever you call it)? – Ryan LaRoche

No, a meat market is a retail sales outlet for meat.  I work on the technical end in a wholesale meat production facility.  Apples and oranges, trust me (from the inspection side, they’re even handled by different agencies in the US at different levels of government due to the type of commerce they engender).  And that comment is one of the most asinine non-sequitirs I’ve ever received, and believe me, I receive them on a twice-weekly basis from the uneducated and uninformed.

SPEAKING OF THE UNEDUCATED AND UNINFORMED, AMONG OTHERS…

Why dont you talk about wrestling enuff stupid? – EasyV662, another AOLuser

Not good enough to enter the pantheon of You’re A Moron.  Try again.

Should you stop writing your “I am better than all of you” articles? No.  I believe in free speech and the right to change the channel if you don’t like what is on.  But, I love when people pick their nose with a different finger and claim they “pioneered” a new way to clean out your nostrils or “innovated” another way to be an asshole.  I enjoy reading Ashish’s Wrestling News on Friday because that is what it is – Wrestling.  411 has become diluted with “Heel” writers.  Hyatte is the top Heel and everyone is trying to take his spot – Hmmm, let me think of something really stupid, outlandish, and non-wrestling that I can write about and get booed.  Save it all for your shrink.  None of us care about you personally.  If anything, we care to read your wrestling opinion. – Joshua Parker

Now that’s a little better.

Let me go over this again for the retarded in the audience:  It’s my column.  I’ll write what I want to write about.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about this from a practical level.  I have a Tuesday assignment in addition to this Wednesday one.  Have you ever looked at the Torch on a Tuesday?  Their entire line-up is six different f*cking recaps of Raw and four or five sets of “reader reaction” to the show.  In effect, they don’t write about wrestling either.  They let other people talk about two hours, minus commercial breaks, of one single wrestling show.  So I throw in my reactions to Raw, any reactions I might have to stuff that Ashish has reported straight in his news breaks, and fill in the space with whatever I want to talk about.  Guess what, oogums?  I’ve got a loyal and large audience who likes reading that.  So go turn to News McNuggets or a goddamn whiteboard if you want to see idiotic talk about wrestling.

There’s also another practical reason for doing that voodoo that I do so well.  Back when WCW and ECW were still around, there was a lot to talk about in a news column, for the simple reason that their locker rooms leaked like the proverbial sieves.  Hell, the news about the Big Sump Pump/DDP altercation hit the Net less than an hour after it happened.  Vince, though, has always had his locker room locked tighter than a drum of toxic chemicals.  The “wrestling news” that we get is either about injuries, old shit that’s irrelevant to what’s happening in the present, pure speculation and/or hype (see Big Sump Pump for a present example), or parsing through whatever info Ross is cleared to give us smarks on a weekly basis like medieval theologians debating some minor point of Holy Scripture.

(As for the remarks I said about Hyatte and I innovating wrestling reportage on the Net, it happens to be true (and Hyatte will admit that).  Besides, Hyatte’s a tweener and I’m more of the classic old-school heel (although I’m not provocative for the sake of being provocative; I’m just an outright asshole).)

I can only work with the material I’ve been given, and there ain’t much of it.  So there.

Let’s naturally turn to politics…

Let me begin by congratulating you on consistently penning the most well thought out columns on the web, and then to apologize for my idiotic ilk as referenced in your YAM segment.  As a Republican, I often disagree with your assessments (especially those that praise former Vice President Gore) but I always read them with rapt attention, and challenge myself to consider the underlying circumstances and events that bring you to your conclusions.

As such, let me be the first to admit: THERE WAS NO MANDATE.  The 2002 election cycle was no different than any other (save that a few historical trends were bucked), local issues dominated, and anti-incumbency flourished in governors races.  Each party picked up state houses and governorships that they hadn’t controlled before.  Dems picked up many of the Midwestern states that Gore carried in 2000, and GOPers picked up Hawaii, Maryland, South Carolina, Vermont and for some reason that escapes cosmic law, held Massachusetts.   

Illinois and my home state of Iowa (GO 10-1 HAWKS) were especially good to the Democrats.  Why?  Because they offered superior candidates.  Rod B and Tom V pasted their GOP counterparts, and Senators Durbin and Harkin trounced what many considered moderate challengers. 

Just this morning, my organization hosted a roundtable discussion with Media pundits: David Broder, Mort Kondrake, and Judy Woodruff.  They were all in agreement that nationally there was a modest gain for the GOP, but that the country remains happily divided about 52 to 48 on most issues.  Therefore, I was further incensed to see gun-waiving, bible-thumping zealots of my party claiming some smug victory.  I would like to offer you my centrist, moderate, humble apology for their behavior. 

You wisely point out that the Senate lacks the 60 vote majority to dominate the agenda.  I too, am hopeful that the new situation in Washington will be a positive one, and not dominated by the advancement of anti-abortion judicial appointments.  This may surprise you, but even G.W. has suggested that he, doesn’t take cues from anybody, when asked whether or not he will bow to the far right on social policy.

Regardless, keep up the good work.  Keep focusing on the truly important: turning around the pathetic product of the current WWE and making sure that Ohio State loses (again, go 10-1 Hawks).  Take care of yourself.
– Jason Foster, paid Republican functionary

Hey, when the enemy respects you and your abilities, it makes it all worthwhite.  True warriors can recognize another true warrior on the other side and judge his or her capabilities (viz. Rommel and Montgomery, to note one classic example).  Apology accepted.  As one correspondent wrote to me, extremism on both sides makes everyone look bad.

However, I do reserve judgement on Dubbaya not being a puppet.  Besides, the whole family’s loaded with hypocrites (remember Bush’s “voodoo economics” comment during the 1980 primaries, then his volte-face when he was made Ronnie’s Number Two and suddenly becoming a huge champ of Supply-Side?).

You’re absolutely correct that they can filibuster, but there is an obvious danger in that. The perception about Daschle was that he was an obstructionist (which in my view is true, but that is for another time).  The public might not have much patience for stall tactics, justified or not…especially if a popular president takes his case to the public again. You never know. At any rate, I’d think hard about that before they tried. What will probably happen is that most of what Bush wants will pass: MOST of his judicial nominees. The homeland security bill (w/o unionized labor) and a permanent tax cut (the Repubs. can write those cuts into the budget bill which wasn’t passed, and I believe only needs a majority of votes to pass. Please correct if I’m wrong.).

As for Kerry getting involved, who cares? You just know that a Demo. party that is aching to hew left (Hello Ms. Pelosi!) will try to draft Hillary if they think Bush may be vulnerable.
– David Jacobs

Dash didn’t gain as much of a rep for being an obstructionist as Gingrich did (Newt took it to new levels on the practical side, what with the government shutdown and all).  Now, the Homeland Fascism Bill went through a compromise in the Senate which gave the gummint unions some say in policy change (something I know our plant’s USDA inspector was happy about, since his job would be transferred to the new department), and there’s no permanent tax cut involved in it (which is a good thing, since we need to start paying down the Republican-engendered deficit).

God help my party if Pelosi gets in and Hitlary gets on the 2004 ticket.  The latter is just an unreconstructed Park Ridge Republican in sheep’s clothing.

End politics mode.

“What’s green and gold and has victory written all over it?” (Goldust’s quote from Raw).  No it’s not Goldust and the Hurricane, it’s the Green Bay Packers, biatch! – Samuel Vanden Heuvel

Please, don’t remind me.  The FudgePackers can clinch the division this week with a victory and a Detroit and Bears loss.  Ten f*cking games in and they can clinch the division.  Definitely slit wrists time.

The Priz(!) gave me some good excuses for why he didn’t vote.  Normally, I don’t forgive people for that (see last week’s columns), but he’s the Priz, therefore he’s forgiven.  And I did cover the Torricelli-for-Lautenberg switch a couple months ago.  What I essentially said was that if they broke state election law (which apparently they did), it was absolutely wrong, Demos or not.  If they didn’t, it was purely a party issue and therefore acceptable.

No memory before Reagan? I teach 11th graders (16-17 years old) U.S. History and they were born during the man’s SECOND TERM! Try no memories of a President before CLINTON, and all they remember about him is it’s OK to get BJs ’cause it doesn’t count as sex. – Bill Duck

Oh, the youth of this generation scares the living shit out of me.  Of course, I have the right to think that way due in part to the back-to-the-beginning-of-time tradition of people my age feeling that way about people their age.

Chad Dupree wants me to pimp PowerIE, a freeware program for IE that does things like ad blocking and pop-up control.  It’s good for a freeware program, but, hell, I’m a pirate, and I can get things like Pop-Up Stopper Companion and AdSubtract Pro for, like, free.  I prefer the powerful professional stuff to Amateur Hour anytime.  However, PowerIE is pretty good for the non-petty criminals out there.

Paul Richards deserves the title of English Bureau Chief for giving me this link (RealPlayer of some ilk required) of how people in foreign countries, in this case Australia, view Americans.

Enough mail for this week.

PROOF POSITIVE THAT THE WORLD ECONOMY SUCKS

JJ’s going into the Army in January.  Aussie Bureau Chief Brett Wortham is going into his country’s Navy even as I’m writing this.  The military is the last refuge for those who need a regular paycheck and benefits (I know from first-hand experience).  You wonder why I’m in the meat industry?  It’s because people have to eat, and there aren’t enough vegans around to change people’s habits.  Hence, a secure job in a secure industry.

AM I AVOIDING SOMETHING?

Well, yes.  Super Tuesday.  So let’s do a special on the special.  Keith and Johnston have your full reports…hmm, it’s almost like I’m doing a Friday column again with that pimp.

A SUPER TUESDAY SHORT FORM

Match Results

Eddy Guerrero over Chris Benoit and Edge, Triple Threat Match (Guerrero pins Benoit, rollup):  As everyone knows, I haven’t watched a full episode of Smackdown since the Bitch of the Baskervilles was made supremo (I FFed to the tag match last week, since there’s only so much of Michael Cole you can take before hitting LD50).  This match kinda shows why I miss it a little.  Superior wrestlers, better match bookers (although SE’s still pretty weak on that end, like on Raw), and faster-paced action.  However, this match was Triple Threat 101, with every cliche done.  Tag partner interference, wacky heel miscommunication, everyone hitting their finishers and having them broken up…nothing we haven’t seen before.

Trip, Rosey, Jamal, Christian, and Chris Jericho over Rob Van Dam, Kane, Buh Buh Ray Dudley, Booker T, and Jeff Hardy, Ten-Man Tag (Pinfall, Trip pins Kane, Pedigree):  A match that demonstrates how impossible it is to book a ten-man tag given a limited amount of time.  Spots to the left of me, spots to the right of me, have everyone do their finishers and pretend it’s a match.  I’ll give the participants this:  they were about ten times more enthusiastic than on your average episode of Raw.

SurSer Angle Developments

The Big Blow(job Push):  I have to wonder, given the circumstances, how much Lesnar’s “injury” has been kayfabed in order to put some mystery into this match.  Wight still isn’t over, and still isn’t taken seriously enough to be credible competition for Lesnar.  Smackdown’s given up this main to Raw in order to boost Raw’s cred (and hopefully its ratings at the same time).  I’ll have more comments in this during the Round Table.

Flush The Toilet:  I’ll also have more comments on the Elimination Chamber match during the Round Table, mainly because I still have to parse out the possible endings.  I will say, though, that I have narrowed it down to two winners.

SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED

Well, Kanyon’s back doing dark matches, according to the Epilepsy spoilers.  Thank God for that.  Raw needs someone like him right now.  Personally, I’d book him as a deluded face and put him up against Jericho.  The promos alone should be worth it.

Hmmm, Edge/Chavo and Rey-Rey/Eddy, Benoit/Angle Part Eighty…why I’m not taping this show is beyond me…oh, no, it isn’t.  Steph’s there.

Tajiri and Rikishi teaming up?  What has Yoshihiro Tajiri done to offend whatever heavenly power exists to deserve something like this?

Loadsa SE on the show this week in order to push SurSer.  Balancing out that negative is the fact that the Bitch of the Baskervilles apparently isn’t in the show at all unless they’re taping some drop-ins, and there’s heavy Heyman content in an attempt to foreshadow the Lesnar/Heyman break-up so much that they’re going to reveal it was a set-up all along.  Dear God, I hope they play it that way.  It’s going to be completely anticlimactic if they actually do break up.

I could end this off by doing another goddamn ratings rant, but I’m really sick and tired of talking about it (although the “why don’t you talk about wrestling” crowd would probably appreciate it).  Jesus, just cut and paste one of my eight billion rants on the subject into this space, and it’d still apply.  In fact, here’s the one from two weeks ago, reprinted for the benefit of the people described above, edited to remove Katie Vick comments:

There’s a tendency in the IWC, led by the Judas Goats named Meltzer and Keller, to treat each week’s ratings as something separate and discrete, only fit to be compared to the week before.  You’ve seen what that leads to:  headlines of doom when the ratings go down, champagne corks popping when they go up.  This is, of course, followed by a complete lack of mea culpas the next week when the opposite occurs; instead, the actions continue.

When ratings drop, everyone scrambles to find an excuse when the ratings go down.
  (Assorted and sundry Katie Vick-related material)  However, what happens after the angle’s blown off when the casual audience doesn’t come back (as, indeed, they have not)?  The offense, after all, has been removed.  Oh, yes, the lines about people being permanently alienated will come out.  It’s so predictable.

But no one’s looking at the real long-term here.  Ever since Wrestlemania 17, the ratings have looked like a moguls run.  Two-week bump for some new event or someone coming back, then a slide downhill until the next bump hits.  Since WM17, ratings are down more than 40%.  Katie Vick certainly wasn’t around at that point.  This angle isn’t the cause, it’s the symptom.  But no one looks at it that way because our eyes are focused simply on this week and last week when it comes to ratings.

WWE knows this.  They not only know this about the smarks of the IWC who are posting about this subject, they also know it about the marks as well.  They remember that they’re always one hot angle away from getting the casual audience back, and they play toward that end.  So here’s what going to happen, folks:

Big Sump Pump shows up.  Ratings go up for two weeks.  Ratings then slide back to where they were, or lower.  Steiner gets credit for the bump.  The IWC is clueless or silent about why the ratings went down again.

Don’t believe me?  That’s how it happened when Flex came back from his Scorpion King filming, and when ECW was revived, and when Flair came back, and when the NWO came back.  But no one seems to remember that.

It’s only during the periods of ratings calm that people remember the disease, and her name is Stephanie McMahon.  In terms of being a horrible booker, she might not be up there with Ole Anderson and Dusty Rhodes just yet.  However, Ole and FatDust had to answer to people above them who didn’t possess one-half of their genome.  Steph has probably done more root damage to wrestling than anyone.  It’s been under her run that WWE blew the most golden opportunity they ever possessed.  She had to have given a thumbs-up to Katie Vick (and we can speculate all we want about whether she’d have done so if Trip hadn’t been involved; it doesn’t matter at this point).  But most of the writers in the IWC are blind to this seemingly-obvious fact because they don’t have the habit of looking at the long-term or remembering recent history.

I blame this tendency on wrestling itself.  We’re all trained to do things like forget about angles when they disappear and aren’t blown off.  We forget about things like one of my favorite topics to bring up, the Immunity Battle Royal.  Would Test have needed his Testicles and My Beautiful and Beloved to get over if they programmed him as an annoying bastard from the moment he won that thing?  Feuds just disappear into nowhere, and we shrug our shoulders and go “Oh, well”.

The whole point is this:  Steph’s responsible for the disease, but we as fans are responsible for the lack of treatment.  Why is it that what Nason and Gamble are doing is a surprise to the audience at this website?  Nason made a damn good point:  boycotting WWE programming is not equivalent to boycotting wrestling.  There are alternatives if you look for them.  However, in the area of ease and convenience, boycotting WWE programming is to most people like boycotting wrestling right now.  What that means is simple:  the disease has taken root.  How long is it before it becomes terminal?


You know, I think I’ll just keep reprinting this every time Ashish posts another alarmist header in the news column about ratings until the point sinks into everyone’s heads.

That’s it for me this week, with the exception of the Round Table.  I’ll let Grut handle this one.  He always throws a left-handed pimp my way, so he’s a good kid.  Until next week, try to enjoy life.