Okay! Let’s get to it! A lot to report this week, and not nearly enough time to talk about all of it. So let’s talk about some of it, and then we’ll move on to our lives.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Raw did a 3.1 rating this week. A lot of people believe the ratings might turn back around if Stephanie stopped playing Ã¢â‚¬ËœGames’. Really, something seems to be Ã¢â‚¬ËœHurting Her Household.’ It’s almost as though the Raw rating was being shot by a Ã¢â‚¬ËœHunter’.
Enough beating around the bush! This is all Booker T’s fault! Shape up or ship out, Booker!
The WWE is suing Acclaim for continuing to make WWE video games for the N64, although Acclaim denies this. Thus begins the great war between video game nerds and wrestling nerds.
Vince Russo’s hostile takeover of NWA:TNA has failed. To quote Vince Russo, “Curses! Foiled again! I’ll be back!” With that, Vince Russo twirled his mustache, swept his cape around and snuck away.
Ric Flair appeared at a Hornets game tonight to lead a Ã¢â‚¬Ëœwooo’ contest. Or at least he tried to. He wound up standing in an empty arena in Charlotte wondering where the hell everyone was.
Kurt Angle says that his match with Brock Lesnar will be the biggest ever. Maybe, but only if Triple H is involved in some way!
Brian Adams has pulled out of his pro boxing debut this Saturday. He said his wife was worried about him, so he said he wouldn’t box for her. She called him a liar, but he shook his head no and then spoke. “You know it’s true. Everything I do. Oh oh. I do it for you.”
Jesse Ventura may host a news show on MSNBC instead of rejoining the WWE. You know, I’m struggling to come up with a funny comment for that. It should come to me pretty easily, shouldn’t it? But nope. Oh well. I guess I can report something without making a joke.
Oh, a quick word to that kid who lectured Hyatte for not reporting about wrestling. Speedy.
HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? Fast? A quick word- you people. You’re morons. All of you fat, disgusting peons, eating your microwave ready mozzarella sticks, drooling and laughing and clapping your grubby fingers together each time I made a stupid Lance Storm joke, forgetting to drop the mozzarella sticks you were holding in each hand when you clapped, bringing them together and squishing them, oil and bread crumbs and cheese flying every which way! SHAME!
Really though, I’m not going to fight for Hyatte’s right to talk about whatever he wants on a wrestling site. My opinion isn’t important at all, but that’s because the issue is quite possibly the least important thing in the world. Really, the fact that someone is bitching about the lack of wrestling news when there are more places to get the news then there are stars in the sky is the least important thing in this universe. And you just read 2 paragraphs concerning it.
FX is going to air a movie based on the life of Owen Hart, tentatively titled “Owen Fart!” Hey, they can’t all be clever. In fact, maybe one of them is.
Bischoff and Stephanie may team up to fight Vince McMahon in 2003. Jesus. Really, what the hell? Why is this news, Widro? Screw it. I’m just tired.
Hey! Malice returned on NWA:TNA tonight. I thought the WWE signed him? I guess negotiations hit a Ã¢â‚¬ËœWall.” HAHAHAHA!
Okay. Smackdown News! I’m reading the spoilers. Not much happens. Still nothing. Nope. Hmmm- this is pretty lousy. I mean, Benoit and Angle doesn’t even go that long. Hmm- OHMIGOD! OH NO! WOW! THAT’S AWESOME! Man, what are they going to call that move? It has to be something clever, maybe combining Brick and Vagina to form Vagirick? Kidding aside, I have no idea how the three of them pulled this off, and it’s going to be awesome to behold. The fact that- no spoilers. Sorry. Still, amazing displays of athleticism on display tomorrow.
Last week, I stated that PK stood for Peter Vick. Now, as anyone with a brain would realize, I meant that PK stands for Peter vicK.
Slash and Brian Lee are the new NWA tag team champions. Man! Could you imagine the dream match of Brian Lee and Slash versus Jericho and Christian? We’d finally know who the true tag team champions are!
Lance Storm recently commented on net writers on his comment board at storm wrestling.com. This is a real quote. “Net writers are entitles to there opinion, just be sure to remember, that’s all it is. OPINION!!!!” Sure, their mays be net writers with there opinions, but looks at PWTorch.com. They’re opinions are valid, but there nots committed to they’re craft. Justs my opinion. If you wants to read my opinion, its up their!!!
Trish Stratus is your 2002 Diva of the Year. Coming in second place? That’s right, you guessed it, Frank Stallone.
I’m watching an old Saturday Night Live, and seeing MC Hammer welcome home the American Hostages and saying that they exemplify what it truly means to be 2 Legit 2 Quit is just so perfect on so many levels.
I beat Vice City. Now whenever I see a guy on a motorcycle I just want to run him over and take it and go kill some Haitian people. If you haven’t played the game, that is so much less racist then you think. For instance, I’m good friends with many Cubans now.
Chris Jericho will be on the Best Damned Sports Show Tomorrow Night, probably to plug the Survivor Series and kiss Triple H’s ass.
On November 20th, Lillian Garcia will be performing a concert at some bar in New York City. Also, Lillian should curse in Spanish more often. That is so goddamned hot. I make all my bitches scream at me in Spanish now. 3 of them. All at the same time.
That’s right, I’m a stud!
That’s the news!
Ask 411 is back! Finally, that little bird is going to know who his mother is!
Also, Sydney Brown takes a tour of the USWA/WWF battle of 1993. Wow, right? Actually, a really interesting read, written by someone who is undoubtedly a man. I’m almost positive this time.
Also, read Eric S, who is apparently the smartest man in the world.
Yeah, last week was a Hyatte homage, so this is the last quotes thing.
5. We’ll be looking at how religion affects society. Religion is actually a peculiar sociological phenomenon. Even educated people like scientists, doctors, and lawyers go to a building on Sundays to worship some dead white guy on a stick.
4.When you walk into my classroom, it does not give you permission to waste my oxygen!
3. Life today is still irrational. You go to parties…make dates…take a little E…but you’re here for an education…
2. You can be anything you want to be. Well, you can’t be the teacher of this class. That’s my job, you little bastards.
1. A sub will be in tomorrow because the baseball team and I are going to DuBois.
HAHAHAHAHA! I love that last one. There are just so many possibilities!
And I leave you with a mystery-
“yeah i told widro already. He said the day he could do it is wednesday, i get there wednesday morning, so I could do that.”
That was written by Carlos Muhuad. WHAT WAS HE TALKING ABOUT? Are he and Widro going to kill someone? Are they going to make love? If you think you’ve got it figured out, send me an e-mail! If you can solve the mystery, you might win a space in this column! Maybe. Bye. Enjoy Flea and Ash and Hyatte.