First of all, let’s congratulate the Undertweener and Kurt Angle for doing their part in the propagation of the species. They’re both new fathers of baby girls, and the respective mothers are doing fine. It’s nice to kick off this thing with good news for once. Now flash forward to an episode of Raw in 2024 with those newborns being punked by Rosey and Jamal’s sons…
ASHISH’S ASS IS SAVED FOR ANOTHER WEEK
He didn’t use the ratings to lead the main header, so no punishment is forthcoming.
Now, we have another ratings drop, and the guys at 1bullshit, who can normally justify anything given enough impetus (specifically, the schadenfreude that Bob ‘n Dave jack themselves off to whenever news does not favor WWE), do not say word one about the drop. Gee, can I call it or what?
This week’s ratings leads us into another wonderful bit of IWC hypocrisy. It used to be almost like clockwork that ratings for the Monday shows would increase after a PPV, then settle back down a little the next week. That stopped happening a while back, which led to more head-scratching than a dandruff sufferers convention on the issue of why the old presumptions were not holding true anymore. Shortly after the head-scratching ended, with no result other than a well-massaged scalp, the “PPV bump” was ignored altogether. Now, this warhorse gets dragged out to explain the last two weeks. Look, if there’s such a thing as a “PPV bump”, be consistent about it, okay? That’s not much to ask.
THE AUSTIN SITUATION
You really have to give it up to the guys at The Smoking Gun. They were the first to give us the skinny on Booker’s sordid past. Now, they have the Austin mug shot and sentencing order on line here, as noted in Ashish’s news break.
(One note about the Austin mug shot. They said that they can’t explain the numbers behind Austin’s head mean. I took one look at the photo and figured it out immediately. Turns out the guys at the Bexar (pronounced “bear”…hell, I did my AIT at Fort Sham, so I should know how to pronounce that) County Sheriff’s department are pretty progressive. That’s a centimeter chart. Add one hundred to the figure where Austin’s head tops out, and that makes his height 193 centimeters. That’s six foot four for you metrically-challenged types out there.)
Okay, so the results are 1K out the wallet, one year PB, and 80 hours of community service. Fine by me. Sounds like a normal misdemeanor assault sentence for a first-time offender. Everything’s perfectly fine at this point.
Now, we get to the issue of whether Vince should play “forgive and forget”. Let’s look at what’s happened during 2002 and determine the risk/reward factor:
First of all, Austin left in a hissy for three weeks because he wasn’t being booked right. He was forgive for that little temper tantrum. Then he throws the Big One when he’s asked to lay down for Lesnar so that WWE could actually create, like, a new star for the first time since Kurt Angle was able to capitalize on the standard six-month trial push and maintain his spot. Vince then cuts ties, then Austin in short order gets bombed and beats Debra. Sentencing on that is now complete, and Austin stays out of jail. So what happens next?
Every time WWE tries to make a new superstar, its goal is mainstream celebrity. Austin fulfilled that goal. Unfortunately, that comes with a price. The price is greater mainstream media scrutiny on that superstar. This incident was unusually public for something relating to a wrestler. Non-wrestling fans don’t know anything about Jake Roberts’ drug abuse or Scott Hall’s perpetual DUIing, but they do know that Austin got drunk and beat his wife.
So what happens if WWE rehires him now? In order to boost ratings, they’re going to hype his return to the moon and give him more public visibility than Jericho’s ass on Raw this week. Good news for us wrestling fans; we’ve got Austin back to make Raw or Smackdown (almost certainly Raw) a little more interesting. Good news for the ratings; a good portion of the casual audience might come back. Bad news for WWE; the PR hit they’re going to take from the mainstream media by bringing back a convicted wife beater will negate any benefit Austin’s return will have. It doesn’t matter what benefits he brings in for wrestling fans; all that the majority of people will know is that WWE hires wife beaters, because that’s how it’s going to be played up.
The point is that I wouldn’t bring him back right now. The heat would be too damn much. Even Royal Rumble would be a little early. Use him as a “mystery opponent” for someone at WM. That should allow time for the heat to die down and to get the maximum value out of his return for future ratings. If given my druthers, I’d rather not see him come back, due to the fact that it’s mostly going to be retreads of his old stuff promo-wise and matches featuring a guy who turns 38 in less than a month who happens to have two shot wheels and a bad neck. However, we know that if there’s a window of opportunity, he’ll crawl right through it. Just wait for a while for that window to open.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Stephanie and menstrual jokes…okay, that’s an automatic “must miss” already.
In case you’re not American, tomorrow is our version of Thanksgiving (the Canadians beat us to it), so that means an annual WWE tradition: the stupid Thanksgiving sketch. This year, it’s called the Pilgrim Fashion Show and, naturally, this has to involve Torrie Wilson. If you follow Smackdown’s SE storylines, you can book this in your sleep.
Last year, I wrote a piece about what I called “the ghettoization of the upper-mid-card”. To summarize that phrase, the upper card was so blocked off that the upper-mid-carders ended up facing each other week after week. Smackdown has their own version of the upper-mid-card ghetto. It’s called the Smackdown Six. Although the results are very acceptable (in this case, the Guerreros versus Angle/Benoit), the means to the destination is the Road To Hell.
Moolah is involved with the show. You have been warned.
Oh, this one’s so dismal that it’s definitely time to break away.
And now it’s time for that special moment when we can all feel superior to someone else. To quote frequent correspondent Andrew Ormberg: “You know, it’s really easy not to be included in “You’re A Moron”. You simply have to not be a moron!”
YOU’RE A MORON I: IN DEFENSE OF THE INDEFENSIBLE
This one’s from Perry Cox, who didn’t appreciate the Martin Bormann comment yesterday:
i am writing in regards to your wrestling column on 411wrestling.com and in particular your insulting comments directed at former President Ronald Reagan. it is quite clear that you are an uneducated person
Yeah, it’s a well-established fact that you can pick up a degree from the University of Chicago at any street corner newsstand.
and i feel it is my duty to inform you that not only was Ronald Reagan a tremendous actor (for someone who claims to be one himself, you should know that)
Ever see That Hagen Girl? Hellcats of the Navy (which co-starred that bitch of a wife of his)? Any of the Brass Bancroft films? Warner Brothers regarded him as nothing but a B actor at best. In fact, Casablanca was set to be a B picture with a small budget when it was Reagan and Ann Sheridan in the leads, but when Ingrid Bergman liked the script, they upped the budget and assigned Bogey. If Reagan was so tremendous, how come Jack Warner didn’t recognize his talent and allow him to co-star with Bergman?
Kings Row was the exception that proved the rule (and his performance in Knute Rockne, All-American is highly overrated).
but also presided over the most prosperous period in American history
If we ignore that little “whoops” the stock market did in 1987 and the recession in the early 80s (which admittedly was started by Carter but deepened by Reagan). Of course, it wasn’t as prosperous as the 90s, or for that matter, the 20s, but we can ignore that just so that Reagan can get pimped.
and ended the Cold War.
I’d credit Gorby and the very, very brave people of Eastern Europe more than Reagan for that one, thank you.
certainly you should be aware of these things before you needlessly attack this great American.
Sorry, I didn’t hear about the whole “end of the Cold War” thing. I was in…oh, what was that place again?…oh, yeah, GERMANY, at the time.
you are clearly but an ill-informed young man
You haven’t read this column for very long, have you?
with no real life experience in any field but leeching off your parents,
I wish. That way I wouldn’t have to bust my ass at work every day.
who by the way would not have anything for you to leech without mr. Reagan.
Considering that my father also busted his ass every day at work since Mr. Truman was in the White House until Mr. Clinton was in the White House, that’s almost an insult to him.
i have an acquaintance in the field of law who tells me it is not unreasonable that you be charged with libel for your statements.
Wrong. “Libel” would mean that I consciously printed untruths about someone in order to purposely cause damage to his or her livelihood. What I wrote would fall into the “slander” category, and in this case, it was slander by association only. Any court of law would laugh this suit out in three seconds or less.
your eyes would open surely after spending a day or two in prison.
Well, something would be more open, that’s for sure. I wonder if they sell Ass Cream (tm pending) in prison. However, that’s Hyatte’s gig, so I’ll defer out of respect for him.
furthermore i have read your column in the past and consistently found you to be a sperious philosphizer
At least this “philosphizer” can spell “spurious” correctly. Or do you mean “specious”? I can’t tell with you.
with no concept of reality (as is clear from your laundry list of psychological medications)
Look, I take medications in order NOT to have a concept of reality, dumbass.
and your so-called writing is a disservice to the fine site mr. Widro is running.
Meanwhile, Widro and Ashish are looking at the ad revenue I’m bringing in from my hits and giggling about my “disservice”. Let’s face it, bitch, I’m a draw for this site.
may I suggest you wake up and smell the roses and comprehend that the world does not revolve around you
And may I suggest that you wake up and smell the roses and realize that something like this will subject you to You’re A Moron and intense public humiliation prior to writing it and mailing it in.
YOU’RE A MORON II: IN DEFENSE OF THE INDEFENSIBLE II
Thanks to my reader-requested information on why I hate Scott Steiner last week, all of the Steiner fans crawled out from under their rocks (or is it their flexes?) to rebut. Here’s some of the low-lights:
You hate the rock, you hate triple h, you hate scott steiner. Youre obviously one of these fat, virgin compuer geeks who wants to suck off chris benoit, and watches japanese wrestling all day. Of course I would probably sit around my computer all day and watch slope wrestling too, if i was 300 pounds , had never gotten laid, and was about as funny as a brain anyeurism. Fuck you and all your miserable internet geek friends. Im sure you’ll all get together at the next star trek convention and bitch about how triple h is “holding benoit down”. All you “benoit rules” wrestling geeks should be put to death immediately, just so the rest of the general population of the planet doesnt have to look at your acne ridden faces and gay star wars and jap wrestling t shirts stretched out by your fat f*cking stomachs. I hope your grandmother contracts HIV and dies. – TAN4321, AOLuser
Well, since both of my grandmothers are already dead, the chances of them contracting HIV are pretty low, I’d say. And as for being on target with the insults, I’m 6 foot, 200 pounds, so definitely not overweight, I lost my virginity before you were born, and I have one compilation tape of Japanese matches sent to me by Zach Arnold so that I could do a few columns for his site about a non-puro fan watching puro for the first time. Try again.
Just thought I’d mention, if your gonna make fun of Scott Steiner, come up with some good reasons, and funny cut downs. Big Sump Pump? Could we try to be funny or at least original. – wcwfjojo, AOLuser
Here’s another example of my unoriginality: if I wanted any more shit out of you, I’d squeeze it out of your ears.
you guys are just trying to kill wrestling with all your bullshit derogatory comments and your bullshit columns you bitch and cry about every damn thing that happens or has happened or is supposed to happen what tha hell are you gonna do when /if wrestling goes away huh? who are you gonna blame then f*ck man its fake why analize every little thing that happens good or bad those dudes are busting their asses to try to entertain us and no matter how good they do you bust their balls i know the shit lately has sucked (kane angle especially) but damn. its way the hell better than the old bob backlund sammartino. pedro morales.etc.etc. etc. era ever was apparently you still watch the shit like i do since you write about it every f*cking day so you must still enjoy it somewhat. man i like your site articles and reviews and read it 4 or 5 times daily, but are yall ever gonna write a positive article just 1 i truly see why the wrestlers bitch about the net ,man cause you dudes aint giving no props at all these bitches give it their all (mostof the time) and get f*cked up reguarly and still nobody gives respect i dont give a shit how bad it sucks ill still watch every monday till its goes off its better than mnf. all the times and f*ck raymond cbs and i dont know what is on nbc. also poppa pump is a bad man why the hell do you care if hes roided up or talks shitty i think he probally told you to f*ck off when you tryed to get autograph or tryed to suck him off or something right yeah i knew it f*cking flamer – DARKXXXIDE, yet another AOLuser (sensing a trend here?)
This one’s just too sad to make fun of. Next.
You’re a good columnist, but get over the whole Steiner thing. Most of the WWe wrestlers can’t perform like they used to, most of them can’t talk on the mic to save their f*cking lives, and atleast 95% are on steroids or other enhancers. Not liking Steiner is cool with me-getting on his case for doing what nearly every other wrestler does isn’t. And how do we know Pump Daddy didn’t follow Buff’s lead and just get a bunch of muscle implants? – Ryanpres1, gee, another AOLuser
You know, even I’m not that cynical about wrestlers, and that’s really saying something. And in your fury over me daring to insult your precious Steiner, you may have missed this line from last week: Don’t write in to me saying that I could say the same thing about (fill in the blank), because I have. What part of that didn’t you understand?
Whats your problem with Scott Steiner? The guy revolutionized American wrestling in the early 90’s, he has fought through mulitiple injuries (with a little help from the “juice” (not Juventud) , and he has been a world champion. He is still relatively young compared to most of the guys on the roster and he can draw money. He was the only person drawing any money for
WCW back in the dying days of that promotion. He could make for some exciting matchups on Raw (Triple H, Batista, RVD, Chris Jericho) and he could shoot some life in the dying Raw brand. Everybody always said that he owuld do better in the WWE if given a chance and now hes here. So give him a chance before you bury him in you dirt sheet – Seth Adema
No, he did NOT revolutionize American wrestling in the early 90s. All he did was take a lot of elements of wrestling that were floating around various promotions in the South (viz. the anglo-lucha style prevalent in early 80s WCCW) and in Japan and give them exposure on national television in the US. That is not revolution. As for your other arguments, I personally don’t care about the marks, and they’re the only ones who support this overinflated piece of flaming garbage. The matches will be dull, because the f*cking guy can’t even move to save his life, and if by “shoot some life” you mean his incoherent, mushmouth promos, they tend to suck the life out of shows more than give them life.
There’s one major difference between Flex fans and Big Sump Pump fans: Flex fans, when they write to me and bitch about me criticizing him, are coherent, intelligent, and try to make decent arguments. The riff-raff who like Steiner, though, represented by this fine bunch, are alone enough to hate the guy.
MAILBAG!
Kris Gets It but Misinterprets It:
You make it too complicated. You don’t just hate Scott Steiner… you hate everything, more or less. You’re a sad, comparatively old man and your only outlet of pent up sexual, mental, and spiritual frustration is a sport for those under the age of 24. A number you passed by quite a while ago.
There’s two things I’d disagree with. First of all, the sexual frustration part. I’m too damn old to be sexually frustrated. Second of all, that wrestling is meant for anyone under the age of 24. That’s only the people WWE markets to. If you look around this site, you’ll see that most of the great columnists are well over that age. Flea’s 31. Gamble’s 35. Hyatte is in his late 20s or early 30s. Modesty forbids me to mention the fact that I turn 38 tomorrow. Part of the reason we’re great is that we have memories that extend beyond Austin 3:16 and can place stuff in context. So don’t use that as a charge against us; take it as a benefit.
Memo to Wade Pfau: Your assumptions are 100% correct. Very, very good pick-up.
Memo to K Martell: It may have been undiplomatic, but it was certainly correct. It was a little too easy to go after, kinda like going after Iraq for saying that they have no weapons of mass destruction.
Walter Neff says that Steiner’s catchphrase is a double ripoff. Master P ripped it off from Tupac’s “Holla If You Hear Me”. The amount of respect is lessened by the appropriate degree.
The Ravin’ Cajun chimes in with a link to a product that Chris Jericho should definitely look into when they’re on their next swing through Louisiana. This is so sick that I have to love it.
The Joe In Me asks me what I think about Chris Cross as tag champs and whether Sean Morley is kinda like Bill Alfonso circa 1998. Second thing first, as long as he doesn’t pull out a goddamn whistle, he’s fine by me. Fonzie was also in a different category in that he’d physically get involved in stuff as ref, although I’m sure they’ll pull that one out with Morley sooner or later. As for Chris Cross, I normally don’t like singles wrestlers holding tag straps. However, considering Christian is better in tag matches than on his own, he’s proving to be a great escape pod in time of need for Jericho, who needs face time but has no obvious opponent left to go after. They’re funny, they play great heels, and they already have the obvious break-up route established (if they throw in Christian breaking up the team because it’s reminding him of his relationship with Edge, I’ll happily mark out). So no real problems on that end with them.
To close, James Drake writes in regarding the possible trademarking of Ass Cream (tm pending):
I am an Intellectual Property attorney and I can tell you that the requirement for registering a trademark is pretty subjective. In order to be registrable, a mark must be suggestive or fanciful, but NOT descriptive. Where the line between suggestive and descriptive is drawn is left up to a Trademark Examiner with very little consideration given to precedent. Nonetheless, you can still claim ownership and priority of the mark by sticking a little TM next to it. The “circle R” (Outlook won’t display the symbol, but you know it) is used with those marks which are registered by the Patent and Trademark Office. If you stick with the TM long enough and the mark gains “secondary meaning” you might be able to register it in the future. Hope this clears things up. I love your column, even though I disagree vehemently with just about every political opinion that you offer. Keep up the entertaining work.
Well, I was being a bit facetious, but we all know that WWE will do anything to make money. All they have to do is come up with a fancy logo for Ass Cream (tm…hey, you never know) and they can file for trademark. I’ve dealt with a few trademark issues in terms of my duties with standards and labeling, so I’m reasonably familiar with the requirements, but most of the audience here isn’t. Thanks for explaining. By the way, how do you like the ad tagline: “I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream Without Ass Cream ™!”?
And that’s it for me this week. If you’re in the US, have a happy and safe Thanksgiving weekend. If you’re of the Jewish persuasion, Happy Hanukkah. Just make sure you’re all back next week.
About Eric Szulczewski
