Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 12.03.02


Welllllll…the white shit’s falling, Notre Dame got punked, the Bears turnovered their way into a loss against the FudgePackers, my appointment with my shrink isn’t until this upcoming weekend, and the potential new job is asking for references.  On the plus side, my dry cleaning’s done.  Yeah, that’s some silver lining, huh?


Well, did Hyatte leave me anyone to pimp this week?  Oh, God…let’s see…nope…

Oh, f*ck it.  Michael Vick.  Jesus, what a performance.

Memo to Flea:  Next year, you can just send me a case of the clap or a Do-It-Yourself Anal Probe Kit or something less painful than a Reagan quote.  I’ll still love you anyway.


The Archdiocese of Boston is considering declaring Chapter 11 to ward off the lawsuits caused by the actions of pedophile priests.  Why not?  It goes perfectly well with the fact that they’ve essentially declared Chapter 11 when it comes to morals, both in the actions of the priests in question and the complete lack of meas culpa coming from the Church hierarchy.  The moral side needs a lot more reorganization than the financial side at this point.  And people wonder why I’m an ex-Catholic.

And if the church is in the news about pederasty, the Boy Scouts can’t be far behind (oh, geez, I’m using all of the good innuendo up before I can get to Jeff Hardy).  A Florida scoutmaster got a free trip to the pokey over the weekend for showing his 10-to-12-year-old charges hardcore porn and a up-close-and-personal view of what they can expect their genitalia to look like in a few years.  Of course, the scoutmaster is married.  Gee, wasn’t it only gay scoutmasters that the Boy Scouts were worried about?  And speaking of gay things…

The Supremes have accepted a case from Texas that might end up overturning what few sodomy laws are left on the books.  Two guys in Houston were undergoing male bonding when cops accidentally broke into their place looking for an armed intruder.  They got nailed for doing the nasty, and decided to fight it all the way to the top (and there goes another good bit of innuendo down the toidy).

So, you say, you’re straight and this doesn’t matter to you?  Wrong.  The way a lot of sodomy laws are written, anything other than penile-vaginal activity is illegal (Texas is a bit of an exception, in that they specifically outlaw homosexual activity).  Ass f*ck?  Arrested.  Blowjob?  Busted.  Carpet-munching?  Court appearance.  You know, I could probably take this all the way from A to Z, except that I’d find difficulty with X.  What an irony.  So, you should care about getting these puritanical remnants off the books.  Fight for your right to do whatever you damn well want in the privacy of your own bedroom, or kitchen, or living room, or with how many other friends or complete strangers off the street that might be involved.  Remember, if these laws aren’t struck down, it’s pink triangles and whatever other symbols they can come up with in Heinrich Ashcroft’s concentration camps, all in the name of “national security”, “preventing terrorism”, and “preserving our precious bodily fluids”.

Oooh, Gamble’s gonna get me for that one.  I can already feel the hellfire and damnation coming from his e-mail.


And it’s the whole anti-terrorism bullshit that’s pervading one of the more controversial cases in front of the Supremes:  Martinez v. Chavez (something that Will Helm asked me about).  If the defense wins this one, the Miranda Warning will essentially die a hideous death, and We The People will have no more right to remain silent, etc., etc.  The Junta has actually filed an amicus brief with the defense supporting their position.  Surprise, surprise.  Wonder if their attitude will be the same after the next Dubbaya Daughter Drug Bust?

Of course, this did happen in California, where police treatment of minorities is so wonderfully kind.  A decade ago, it was “Hey, it’s just some nigger speeding.  Who cares if we rough him up a little and teach him a lesson?”  Five years ago, in the incident that led to this case, it was “So what if we shot the guy five times and he’s going to be blind and paralyzed?  It’s just some wetback bracero; he’s not gonna understand a Miranda anyway.”  I think that even conservatives might be scared as hell of weakening Miranda rights.  There’s a point that even rock-hard conservatives will stop at, and I think this might be it.  After all, it’s not only liberals who get arrested.

Look, if anything, you should root for the plaintiff in this one because, let’s face it, do you really want Jason Gallo to have the legal right to rough you up?

Speaking of people who should get arrested, it’s time to focus on the Steph and Gewirtz Weekly Descent Into Hell…


Read Keith and Jennette.  I dare you.

Match Results:

Buh Buh Ray and D’Von Dudley over Rosey and Jamal (Pinfall, Buh Buh Ray pins Rosey, 3-D):  This match is an existential paradox.  It has no reason to exist.  But, in fact, it does exist, which means it must have a reason to do so.  I guess that the flimsy excuses of “Someone has to jerk the curtain” and “Maybe they’re setting up a six-man for Armageddon” must suffice for said reason, because I’ll be damned if I can think of anything else.  Okay, so maybe it existed for the Ass Cream(tm)’s Revenge beatdown during the commercial, but that’s essentially so useless it falls off the scale, even below “someone has to jerk the curtain”.

Trish Stratus over Ivory (Pinfall, Stratusfaction):  See above, but add a touch of a Zen to the mix:  what is “less than no reason to exist”?  Is there such a thing as “negative existence”?  What is the sound of one not caring?

The Commonwealth Connection over Jeff Hardy and Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, Storm pins Dreamer, exposed turnbuckle shot):  We’re rapidly approaching the Void here.  Indisputable evidence:  a match heavily featuring Tommy Dreamer involving not only psychology (anything involving Raven is excluded from this), but Dreamer actually attempting the use of Testicle Ecstacy on Storm.  Yeesh.

Dave Batista over Hurricane Helms (Pinfall, sit-out powerbomb):  As much as I like to see Helms get treated like the prison bitch that he is, I’m still wondering about the whys and wherefores of this Batista push.  What did someone see in his Deacon Batista routine that gave that person reason to believe Batista could settle nicely into the upper-mid-card of Raw (and the definite match against Kane at Armageddon does put him into the mix)?  Even with Ric Flair’s help on the mic, I still don’t see his appeal.  I guess it’s Vince Loves Big Men striking again.  Poor Batista.  His fate is locked in as a future guilty pleasure.

Chris Cross over Booker T and Goldust, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Jericho pins Booker, Greco-Roman Belt Shot):  The initial Booker/Jericho match had that circa-1998 Thunder semi-main-event feel to it, right down to Nick Patrick, a dead crowd, and general dullness.  Then the tag match began, and…well, have you ever shifted a car from first to fourth gear?  Everyone was into it.  The crowd, the performers, hell, even Patrick.  Now give them twenty at Armageddon, and I, for one, would be quite happy.

Jackie over Victoria, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, spinning heel kick):  Okay, that fulfills Jackie’s quota of one win per year.

Trip over Pothead, Number One Contender’s Match, Shawn Michaels as Special Guest Plot Device (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Chair Shot):  Oh, yeah, like this one wasn’t pre-ordained.  Yippie, Michaels and Trip at Armageddon.  Hey, count me in for a buy on this one…you know, I don’t know how much more cynical I can become about this.  I always thought my cynicism was a bottomless well, but Raw has started to drain actual dregs from the bottom I never knew was there.

Angle Developments:

Memo To Kevin Dunn:  Will you please decide WHAT FUCKING CAMERA YOU WANT TO USE?  Jesus, the camera cuts were like those controlled by a brain-dead spastic.  You’re usually not like this, Mister Dunn.  This was total slobbola time.

Memo To Andrew Martin:  Keep touching My Beautiful and Beloved like that, and I’ll personally make sure you lose your fan base, if you know what I mean.  Tony won’t be the only major Soprano on cable after I get through with you, boyo.

Memo to Big Sump Pump:  When a psycho bitch tells you “No”, she means “No”.  And you beat up Stevie Richards.  Color me impressed.  Everyone’s beaten up Stevie Richards.  Grut’s beaten up Stevie Richards.  Hyatte beat up Stevie Richards and let Z-Smooth have his way with him.  Flea didn’t bother beating up Stevie Richards, he let Desi do it.  Gamble, from his sick bed, beat up Stevie Richards.  And I’ve just about worn this one into the ground.

Memo to the Bitch of the Baskervilles:  Get the f*ck off my screen now.  Oh, and the image of you and Steiner making the beast with two backs?  I’m going to have nightmares for a f*cking week about that one, thank you.

Oh, God, I hate to keep this short, but I desperately need some mental downtime.  Tomorrow…well, we’ll see what the Mailbag brings us today.  Hopefully there’s enough for that and You’re A Moron as well.  If not, I’ll come up with something, perhaps the latest twist in the conspiracy theory surrounding the Clique and its new female adjunct, canine division.  If anything happens, Ashish and Widro will have it nailed down and on the main page.  Until tomorrow, enjoy.