Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 12.10.02

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In politics, life punishes severely those who fall behind – Mikhail Gorbachev

Hello, and welcome to the twice-weekly peek into the Garden of Misery that is my life.  Yes, my medication’s being jacked up again, the insurance company is playing footsie with my Nexium prescription, and work, as usual, sucks dog cock, all part of life being a Savage Bitch With A Fourteen-Inch Steel Dildo.  Add this to what my shrink calls “hurricane season for bipolars”, and you can almost feel my descent into the vortex if you get within twenty feet of me.  I am, officially, a Human Bummer.

Actually, I’m kinda glad I had an appointment with my shrink on Saturday.  While undergoing the interminable wait, I was able to see most of the Miami/VaTech game, otherwise known as “Defense?  What’s That?”  If McGahee doesn’t get the Heisman after that performance, there’s a major injustice out there that needs to be corrected.  By blunt instruments, if necessary.

AND IN OTHER SPORTS NEWS…

Speaking of runners in Florida going like shit through a goose, I had the choice between Raw and seeing Ricky Williams versus What’s Left Of The Bears’ Defense.  I chose Raw.  Let others share my current feelings by proxy…hold it, I could say that about Raw too.  Actually, that’s going to be coming up soon, so be patient.

FLY THE FIENDLY SKIES

United Airlines, Chapter 11…wow.  I haven’t flown on United in years, but they did build a kick-ass terminal at O’Hare which definitely livened up the place when it was at its drabbest.  I do credit United for this:  they had direct flights from Chicago to Akron-Canton; that was a real lifeline when I wanted to get out of the Underestimated Redneck Hell that lies south of Cleveland and get back to civilization.

You know, I could say something about the sheer coincidence of the world’s Number Two airline going into protection and the fact that Dubbaya is still steering the rudder of the American Economy with his crew of Daffy Duck impersonators at the controls, but I’ll give it a break before some sheep/parrot crossbreed in the audience starts squaking/bleating “September 11th” like Poe’s raven on crystal meth.

That being said, good luck to John Snow in his new job as SecTreas.  He’s gonna find that getting out of this economic mess is as difficult as one of his Consolidated freight trains doing a bootlegger.  Unemployment is at an eight-year high here in the US, job cuts are accelerating, and depression is starting to sound like something other than my usual state of mind.

BULLSHIT STATEMENT OF THE YEAR, NON-WWE OR DUBBAYA-JUNTA DIVISION

Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri says that his country’s Declaration Of Weapons Programs statement is “currently accurate, full, and complete”.  You have got to admire such bald-faced lying as this.  It’s just so…Soviet-like in its audacity that it takes your breath away.  You know, if things go to shit, I think I’ll smuggle him in and let him do my taxes.  Hell, I could probably get away with every dodge in the book with Good Ol’ Naji in charge.  After my taxes are done, I’ll give him a good reference and send him over to Vince to become WWE’s official spokesperson.  They really need a good liar right now to spin the one-way trip down the shitter that their programming’s become.

MEMO TO CNN.COM

Exactly what do you mean when you describe Rich Daley as a “nominal Democrat”?  Isn’t that like describing Jeb Bush as a “nominal Republican”?

MEMO TO A READER WHO WISHES TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS

Yes, I’m quite familiar with the whole “Mexicans who use toilet paper then throw it on the floor” phenomenon.  You can’t work in the meat industry in Chicago (or, hell, in the United States as a whole) and not be familiar with it.  Here’s the reason why they do it.  Sanitary conditions in Mexico are, shall we say, not the greatest.  Sewage systems in particular were probably in better shape under the Aztecs than today.  Hence, a lot of bodily waste is carried away into septic tanks.  Mexico is also not blessed with an abundance of “septic tank-safe” asswipe.  Thus, Mexicans are taught from an early age not to flush toilet paper down the crapper for fear of backing up the septic tank (and if you’ve ever had a backed-up septic tank, you know what a mess that can cause).  It’s awfully tough to counter behavior that’s been knocked into you since you were a kid, so when the relocation to El Norte occurs, the behavior stays no matter how many times it’s mentioned that it’s perfectly fine to do it, that our sewer systems work well enough to handle the toidy paper assault.  If the issue is pressed with them, I can definitely see it being claimed by them as a “violation of their culture”, since it’s always easier to bitch than to change your actions.

(I actually had to explain this to the rest of the QA staff at my current employer.  I thought it would be common knowledge if you’ve worked QA in the meat industry for any length of time, but I guess I was wrong.)

Yes, it’s a definite problem when you’re talking about sanitation, but when you’re in a bird kill plant like your dad is, believe me, a little human shit on the boots is nothing to worry about.  Trust me, I’ve worked bird kill.  It’s the most disgusting and messiest job in the industry, with the possible exception of cattle slaughter.  Try collecting a brucellosis sample for testing sometime.  You’ve got a half ton of soon-to-be pot roast writhing above you in death convulsions as you’re trying to hold a sterile bottle beneath its throat to get some blood collected.  Oh, that’s REAL fun.

(Gosharoonie, I hope that some of you weren’t reading that while eating…actually, I do hope you were, and I hope I ruined your meal.  Be sure to remember the above image next time you go out for a steak, okay?)

As for who your dad works for, given your geographic location and the key word “litigous”, I can pretty much assume it’s either Tyson or Wayne Farms/Dutch Quality House.  Fuck both of them.

VARIOUS PIMPS AND ANSWERS

Memo to Daniels:  Part of the deal cut when Texas became a state is that they reserved the right, if necessary or desired, to split themselves into five different states, with all rights and privileges of every other state in the Union.  The law remains on the books to this day, and every so often, some yahoo politician down there brings up this fact in order to scare the shit out of everyone who doesn’t live in Texas that those yo-yos will end up with ten Senators.

Nason commits apostasy, but it’s a good apostasy, and a good column to boot.

Williams doesn’t need a disclaimer.  Hell, we all shoot our metaphorical mouths off here and present ourselves as infallible Delphic oracles able to peer through the mists of the ever-fogged-in WWE.  That being said, Ross, if you have some meat companies in England on your client list who want to fork out for a face-to-face and some hellish reloc expenses, just mail me for my resume.

I don’t care if he’s been plugged already.  Scotsman!  Scotsman!  SCOTSMAN!!!  YEAH!!!

And now from something to cheer about to the exact opposite, Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Keith and Jennette are less depressed and more optimistic than I am, so if you want something witty or cheery, go read them.  Well, if you want something cheery, go read Jennette.  I’ve got Keith beat hands-down in the witty department.

Match Results:

The Commonwealth Connection over Booker T and Goldust (Submission, Storm makes Goldust submit, Sharpshooter):  Okay, no problem with the results.  Throw a little cred toward Regal and Storm and make them look viable for Sunday, and throw in a little uncertainty as to BookDust’s future.  Of course, this means one of two things:  1) Goldust actually gets the deciding pin on Sunday or 2) they turn on each other.  Given my druthers, I prefer Choice #1 right now.  Keep the push going while it’s still got steam.

Stevie Richards over Jacqueline (Pinfall…oh, yeah, like I was paying attention):  Okay, Jackie got some decent spots in, and kudos to Richards for selling them, but, really, does anyone give a damn about the women’s match Sunday?  Thought not.

Batista over Rob Van Dam (DQ, Kane-erference):  Well, big f*ckin’ whoop.  Sales job for the PPV, nothing more.  However, if you’re buying this thing because of Kane/Batista, may I suggest paying a visit to your local discount lobotomy center?  Or at the very least, get yourself a vasectomy or hysterectomy (in some cases out there, both) so we don’t have to keep the polluted gene pool in the next generation.

D’Lo Brown and Chris Harvard over Al Snow and Maven (Pinfall, Brown pins Snow, LoDown):  Okay, this one’s too sad to discuss.  Next.

Trip over Jeff Hardy (Pinfall, Pedigree):  Okay, should I go for the standard “Hardy should be used to someone making him his bitch” line or just leave the comments for later (like the ones I’ve already written in Angle Developments concerning the promo in the early part of the show)?  Comments hereby left for later (which is actually earlier for me, since I’ve already written them, and…oh, you get the picture).

Kane over Three-Moron Warning, Morally Handicapped Match (Pinfall, Kane pins Jamal, chokeslam):  And what did Jamal ever do to warrant the honor of a VanTerminator?  For jobbers like the IBs, that’s the equivalent of a blowjob push.

Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, and Trish Stratus over Chris Cross and the Psycho Bitch, Tables Match (Trish puts Victoria through a table):  If there’s such a thing as being properly overbooked, that’s what this match was.  It was so overbooked that the commercials even did a run-in.  However, it popped the crowd and kept interest alive in what will probably be MotN on Sunday.  So give credit where it’s due, I guess.

Angle Developments:

Will The Circle Jerk Be Unbroken?:  So it’s street fight, steel cage, and ladder match.  Oh, goody, a solid forty minutes or so of Michaels and Trip giving each other a deep wet kiss and progressing into foreplay.  Look, we get it already.  Yeah, they work well together, they’re best friends, blah blah blah.  We don’t need another goddamn demonstration of it, especially one that’s supposed to show how versatile they really are.  You know, Steph, I hope the sex is as great as I posited about a month ago, because we, the audience, have already had our orifices opened way too much to feel any more dicking from WWE.  And doesn’t Ric Flair cutting a vintage Flair promo for this match seem like pearls before swine?

The Ass-Fuck Twins:  If there’s the beginning of a Michaels/Hardy feud in that horrid promo, just rip my lungs out now, please.  No more pushes for Jeff Hardy, I beg you, especially not against a decrepit Michaels, where you know they’re going to book it as young lion meets old master, and Michaels’ legacy (whatever there is of it that doesn’t involve Bret Hart) will get pissed on.

In this vein, a true acolyte of the Word, The Joe In Me, makes this observation:

Jeff Hardy told HBK that if his match makes it to the third fall this Sunday, the ladder match, to come find Jeff for advice. Funny thing is, the only ladder match the Hardy Boyz have ever won is the one that started it for tag team ladder matches, No Mercy ’99. After
that one match, they have lost every other ladder match. Personally I feel that Edge and Christian should be the Kings of the Ladder Matches, as they won the Triple Threat Match at WMXVI, and then TWO TLC matches. Edge also beat Christian in a ladder match for the IC Title in Fall 2001.


Good pickup, TJIM.  Good pickup indeed.  BTW, SMTP is your outgoing mail server, NNTP is your news server.  Since I don’t know who your ISP is, I can’t help you with that.

And I can’t help any of you with the fact that you have to live another twenty-four hours without me.  But I’ll be back tomorrow with Smackdown Somewhat Spoiled, my Weekly Bitch-Slap Of Ashish for posting a ratings header, a Mexican-flavored Mailbag, and much, much more.  Well, not that much more, but still more.  I’m off to bed.  Have a good one.