Unbelievably quick and early report today. It’s my last day of college ever, I have a 6 page report to write in the next 4 hours, a presentation to give, and I’m wearing two different shoes. This is going to be quite a day.
So let’s have some fun while we’re still young.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Let’s begin with some Smackdown spoilers. I know you can find them anywhere else on the net, but I’m the only one who makes them funny. Sometimes.
B-Squared fights Rikishi. You know, Albert Squared plus Bull Squared equals Cena Squared.
Bill DeMott fights Shannon Moore after Bill talks about how much he hated working in Atlanta. Shannon Moore then cuts a promo where he is surprised to find that he still works for the WWE.
Chavo and Eddie defend the coveted tag team titles against the team of Benoit and Kidman. The match ends when Kidman leaves his partner to go make out with a thong clad Al Wilson.
Crash fights Jamie Noble, proving that the WWE is listening to the fans. We demanded more Crash Holly, and we got it.
More lesbian activity and cradle robbing in the Dawn-Torrie-Al segment. From what I read, this will be the most exciting thirty minutes of television this week.
Brock Lesnar will be in Kurt Angle’s corner at Armageddon. I smell face miscommunication! Or is that muffins? I’m sorry, it was muffins. My friend is baking them. They smell good.
Scott Steiner continues to tease which promotion he’ll end up with, the WWE or the WWE. My money is on the WWE.
In a preview of Armageddon, Angle and Edge fought The Big Show and Albert, now known as the A-Train. Wow. That sounds um why are Angle and Edge teaming up? I thought Angle was still a bad guy? Is there something I’m missing? Is there something more to all this then meets the eye? Since I’m going to be too hung over to enjoy this, should I even care? Could this be why I accidentally put on two different shoes this morning? Will you watch this Sunday without any kind of guaranteed good match on the card? Find out Thursday night on WWE SMACKDOWN!
Okay, moving on.
Most people believe that Austin will return to the world of wrestling soon, and why not? Men love him, and he’s a hit(ter) with the ladies!
Hulk Hogan was backstage at Smackdown with Jimmy Hart. Hogan had a brief stare down with Vince McMahon and began to walk away. Suddenly, Vince grabbed Hogan’s arm and said, “All right. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I’m not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. I was good in the back stage area. Send me in there, I’ll do the show alone. And now I just… I don’t know… but on what was supposed to be the happiest night of my business life, the night when Albert fought in the main event, it wasn’t complete, wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn’t share it with you. I couldn’t hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my favorite wrestler. We live in a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors, so try not to laugh. I love you. You complete me. And I †Vince looked up and realized Hogan had had left, and Vince was looking into the teary eyes of Jimmy Hart. “Shut up Vince, just shut up,†Jimmy screamed on his megaphone, “You had me at the night when Albert fought in the main event. You had me at the night when Albert fought in the main event.†Jimmy then went to kiss Vince, but Vince had left, and Jimmy Hart wound up kissing Bill DeMott. The two are to be married this Sunday.
People in the WWE still aren’t sure what they’re going to do with the Royal Rumble and the stipulations and such. Hey, remember when the Rumble was fought just because it was a cool battle royale and for pride? Why not do that again? Oh, because everything needs to be goal oriented in the WWE. I forgot. Sorry.
Velocity and Confidential both scored a 0.7 rating this week, and Heat got a 1.1. Meanwhile, I still don’t see a rating for RAW, leading me to believe it received a 0.0. Vince McMahon is reacting with horror to the news he just read in my report, if he reads my report, which he probably doesn’t, but he might. Hey, let’s say he does! Why the hell not?
Kid Kash has been getting some Raw tryout matches, making NWA:TNA look even more like a bush league piece of shit then it already does.
With trends the way they are, expect no one to show to buy tickets for Smackdown or Raw in 3 months. It’s cool, cause empty arena matches RULE!
The Hurricane reports that there were cows all over the place in India, and he f*cked three of them. He is from the country, you know. No, not India, the country, like a country boy. One of the Carolinas, maybe. Anyway, they have sex with cows in the country, so that’s why my joke worked. YES IT DID!
Last night on NWA:TNA, Jeff Jarrett defended his title against Curt Hennig, “the man who beat up Brock Lesnar at 25,000 feet (or so)! Man was I drunk.†There was probably a winner, but not knowing who won, I’ll keep my options open.
Jeff Jarrett won the match when Vince Russo/Jerry Jarrett/A Harris Brother/K-Kwik/Hulk Hogan/Roddy Piper/Chyna/X Pac/Raven/Maven/Saturn/Godfather/Victoria/Screech/David Arquette/Pete Rose/Danny Doring/Hercules Hernadez/Bret Hart/Jerry Lawler/Brian Lawler/Lo Ki/Arn Anderson/ Freddy Prince Jr. swerved the audience again and hit Hennig with a chair/pipe/fireball/chain/duck/sword/computer/iceberg/human head/bowling ball/flashlight/briefcase/brick/brick colored metal/book/pamphlet/horn of rhino.
Or
Curt Hennig became the NWA champion after pinning Jeff Jarrett with help from BG James and the Harris brothers.
Junk News! Huzzah!
PLUGS!
Stephen Gray rules! I swear to God, he is the best writer on the Internet, and his Smark Report is good enough that I am proud to call Stephen a member of the 411 family. Really, if you’re looking to reach orgasm without touching yourself, read this column. That should take care of some hurt feelings.
Dave Dymond has announced that he will no longer watch the WWE in his second column, but will continue to write about it. Well, that’s kind of counter productive. Still, welcome to the family, Dave. Get your f*cking shoes off the couch!
There’s a column called “The Little Things†that my computer won’t let me get to, but it sounds interesting. Details rule! I tried to get the writer, John B. Haley, to say something about it, but I couldn’t get a “Haley Comment.†HAHAHAHAHA! Ah.
Now, I must go write as fast as my fingers will allow, but first
CONVERSATIONS WITH KEITH (DON’T WORRY, I STILL LOVE YOU MOST.)
[21:21] VPJG: Funny review. Good job, Scott.
[21:22] RSPWFAQ: Danke. Sometimes being mean brings good results. :)
[21:23] VPJG: I hear you. It didn’t seem particularly mean. It just seemed
like you were enjoying it more. I could see you cracking up a little as you
typed. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s always good.
[21:23] RSPWFAQ: I was having more fun with it than usual, yeah.
[21:23] RSPWFAQ: I just resigned myself to watching a bad show early and
adjusted the style accordingly.
[21:24] RSPWFAQ: The problem comes when a show sucks early and then I have
to suddenly shift into calling good matches.
[21:24] VPJG: Okay, I’m not sure how bad it was. Between the Michaels-Flair
stuff and the Booker Goldust stuff and even Orton, it was a good interview
night.
[21:25] RSPWFAQ: Yeah, but Shawn directing his promo at the Phantom
Cameraman there at the end sealed the Bad Show deal for me.
[21:26] VPJG: That was pretty weak. Hunter was right there, and Shawn could
have said the same thing.
[21:26] RSPWFAQ: He needed to be holding a skull for full effect.
[21:27] RSPWFAQ: ALAS, POOR HHH, I KNEW HIM, HORATIO!
[21:27] RSPWFAQ: Had they left it with the Flair interview, I would have no
beef.
[21:27] VPJG: Who said that wrestling can’t be Shakespeare?
[21:28] VPJG: I think I just quoted you from somewhere. I forget where.
[21:28] RSPWFAQ: Yeah, I use that one a lot.
[21:28] VPJG: Savage-Elizabeth maybe.
[21:28] RSPWFAQ: Wrestlemania VII was the first one.
[21:28] RSPWFAQ: Yup.
[21:29] VPJG: What if the match is really good? Do the ends justify the means?
[21:29] RSPWFAQ: The match will probably be good, but it does nothing for
anyone but HHH and he’s sacrificed everyone else to build himself up
leading up to it.
[21:30] VPJG: But what do we care? We want good matches and good storylines.
[21:30] RSPWFAQ: Because there’s no viable challengers left for HHH after this.
[21:31] VPJG: Sure there is. Throw Booker, Chris or RVD in there and we’ll
all buy it.
[21:31] VPJG: It’ll probably be Kane again, though.
[21:31] RSPWFAQ: RVD has already been struck down by the Hand of HHH and
declared Not Ready.
[21:31] RSPWFAQ: Not clue what’s going on with Kane.
[21:32] VPJG: So Booker T then, or Jericho.
[21:33] RSPWFAQ: I can’t see Jericho getting another run on top,but
stranger things have happened.
[21:33] VPJG: Putting HHH over all of them in the cage match didn’t help,
but I don’t think it hurt that badly.
[21:34] RSPWFAQ: See, a few people seriously pitched having Edge take
Jericho’s spot in the match and get a surprise win to become the big star
of RAW, but two people shot it down. Guess which ones.
[21:34] VPJG: How do you know all of this?
[21:34] RSPWFAQ: It was in the last WON.
[21:35] VPJG: Oh. I don’t get newsletters. Not that that makes me cool or
anything.
[21:35] RSPWFAQ: Some of the stuff going on backstage at RAW is just so
funny that it’s sad, or vice-versa.
[21:35] VPJG: Let’s look at this from HHH’s side for a second. And mind
you, I think he’s a greedy piece of shit.
[21:36] VPJG: Gets shot down most of his career, jobbed, had blame placed
on him he didn’t deserve.
[21:36] RSPWFAQ: Sure, but he’s also smart enough to know that he needs to
create his own competition to keep himself strong.
[21:36] VPJG: Manages to rise up despite it all, becomes one of the best
performers in the company. Sacrifices his body to steroids to make it.
[21:37] VPJG: Loses the love of his life to keep the boss’ daughter happy,
never gets to raise a family, tears his quad and probably still walks with
a bit of a limp when no one is looking.
[21:38] VPJG: Wrestling is the only thing he has to hold on to. It’s the
only thing in his life that has any meaning.
[21:38] VPJG: I’d fight pretty hard for my imaginary spot also if it was
all I had.
[21:39] VPJG: But away from the devil’s advocate, he’s a greedy shit.
[21:39] RSPWFAQ: I don’t begrudge him the main event spot, I begrudge him
destroying anyone and everyone who even approaches upper-midcard.
[21:39] RSPWFAQ: It’s gotten to the point where anyone who even gets OVER
gets fed to the HHH Machine.
[21:41] VPJG: I agree. It gets ridiculous.
[21:41] RSPWFAQ: HHH SHOULD be in the main event.
[21:41] RSPWFAQ: But without competition, there’s no reason for him to be
there, ya know?
[21:41] VPJG: Really? Cause I’m not sure about that.
[21:42] RSPWFAQ: If HHH had a strong babyface opponent, I’d be all for
it. HHH-Steiner could draw.
[21:42] VPJG: I wouldn’t pay two cents to see that match.
[21:42] RSPWFAQ: But if he’s not gonna play ball, then let Booker-Jericho
or something else headline.
[21:42] VPJG: Hunter has become boring as shit.
[21:42] RSPWFAQ: You wouldn’t, but they could get one PPV out of it.
[21:43] RSPWFAQ: I’d watch just to see who injured who first.
[21:43] VPJG: I guess. Hunter kills the crowd after the initial pop when he
comes out.
[21:44] RSPWFAQ: See, if you want depressing, dig THIS…
[21:44] VPJG: It’s the typical internet bitching, but Hunter has nothing
left to give to the business. I understand why he clings to it, but I don’t
care about him anymore.
[21:44] RSPWFAQ: According to the Torch, Albert is being built up so he can
challenge Undertaker when he returns.
[21:44] VPJG: I read that somewhere. Good for Albert. I hope he enjoys
these next 4 months.
[21:45] RSPWFAQ: And yes, I agree about Hunter completely, unless he
suddenly decides to put someone over.
[21:46] VPJG: When he told Booker T that he hoped the cage match came down
to the two of them, I kind of felt momentary hope.
[21:46] RSPWFAQ: I’ve given up on Booker.
[21:46] VPJG: You’ve given up on the most entertaining part of either show?
[21:46] RSPWFAQ: I’ve given up on him being anything but tag fodder.
[21:47] VPJG: No way. He will be the champion someday, and someday soon.
[21:47] RSPWFAQ: Ah, but we’ve been saying that for like a year now.
[21:48] VPJG: No, I’ve been making Lance Storm jokes and saying Huzzah for
a year. Now that I’m making predictions, Booker T cannot be held back much
longer.
[21:48] RSPWFAQ: Well, good luck with that!
[21:48] RSPWFAQ: :)
[21:48] VPJG: Thanks.
Wow! What a conversation, huh? It sometimes feels good to just bullshit about wrestling for a while. Have a good day.
