Well, another One Hour Special…
Goddamnit, how many times have I told you not to take f*cking Klonopin on Tuesday?
Look, Demon Who Lives Inside My Head, I needed to take one.
Suuuuuuuure you did…
And I took one when I woke up today too.
Well, you’re forgiven for that. I know what your Wednesdays are like. You know, I influenced your bosses to set you up for that. Such exquisite torture…
Oh, go f*ck yourself.
Fine. If you feel that way, I’ll just hide in the shadows and occasionally peek out today to make your life even more miserable than it’d normally be.
You do that anyway.
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you…
Geez, people, this is what I have to live with.
And on to as much other fun stuff as I can fit in today…
FLEA TOLD ME A SECRET…
…and I’m not telling you. Nyahhh.
THE PIMP SECTION
Now all of you can find out why Sylvain Parent is my favorite obscurantist. Given our e-mail exchanges, I am damn happy he’s doing columns here, because he’s a real kick to read. My only regret is that he has to tone it down for the mass audience. If he went balls to the wall semiotically like he normally does in our e-mails, some of you will never get out of the mental maze.
Dymond throws out some damn good reasons on why he’s boycotting WWE programming.
Haley points out things about Raw that we might have missed. I can live with that, but the moment he starts ripping off the Short Form, out come the bitch-slaps.
I haven’t pimped Nason and his Indy Update in a while, and yah, boo, sucks on you to me for that one.
And ditto for Gray, who takes me to task this week for not doing it. Sorry. Good column, too. Read it.
No pimp for Ashish for putting another ratings news thing in the main header. Methinks I’ll have to put in an in-house purchase request to Keith for a supply of red-hot pokers.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Yeah, right into it this week. As I said, One Hour Special and all…
Okay, so John Cena deserves a push after all his hard work in the minors and making a good impression on his intro to the big leagues. He has to start somewhere. However, I question the rapping white guy routine and putting him up against Rikishi. I’ve called Flex the black hole of heat. Rikishi isn’t that bad, but he certainly has a gravity well-type effect.
Bill DeMott is getting another shot at a push, this time as a spiteful, bitter old man who apparently feels like he’s on a one-way trip to Has-Beenville. Is this the type of guy you want training the Next Generation of wrestlers, or whatever you want to call Tough Enough contestants?
Our Lord and Savior’s tolerance is tested mightily by being teamed up with Billy Kidman for a tag title shot. WHAT HAS CHRIS BENOIT DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!?!
For everyone who’s going to bitch about the Al/Dawn Marie/Torrie incestual menage, may I recommend you go to any good porn story site and read some of the stuff that’s up there? It makes this look incredibly tame.
Big Sump Pump cuts a promo that essentially says that Steph is a cock-tease. Why waste our time yammering on incomprehensibly about the f*cking obvious?
So Albert’s now the A-Train. Well, Anthony Thomas is out for the season, so I guess they can use it. But they’d better abandon it before next September, or else they’re going to have one pissed-off Bears fan who does twice-a-week columns at a certain very, VERY popular independent website on their case.
And that’s enough of that.
YOU’RE A MORON: THE UGLY ANTI-AMERICAN
This week’s honor goes to Tristan Spearing for this quickie:
So you know for a fact that Iraq has weapons?? BULLSHIT. You don’t know shit just because you watched CNN last night. Get your facts straight before running your mouth off, because I’m getting really sick of your country murdering innocent civilians in the name of oil extraction.
You haven’t read this column regularly, have you? Otherwise you would have known of my objections to the Gulf War (while I was in the US Army, no less) and my feelings about murdering civilians (to summarize, it was Blood For Oil and I’m against it, respectively).
Now, think about your point from a historical perspective, goof: At the time of the Gulf War, Iraq had the fourth-largest standing army in the world. The US didn’t destroy its entire arsenal. Russia and China pimp their weapons out to whoever can afford them, and the “sanctions” against Iraq are about as effective as a sieve on a burst pipe. Saddam has also shown no compunction about using military force when necessary. So does Iraq have weapons, potentially those of mass destruction in the biological and/or chemical capacity? Damn right they do; Occam’s Razor and all that. And they admitted that they were trying for the N in the NBC category. Saddam with nukes is not a comforting thought.
Also, you made the incredible logical jump from me saying that the foreign minister’s statement was unadulterated bullshit to murdering civilians. No, all I said was that the “we don’t have weapons” statement was bullshit. I wasn’t using it to justify an invasion of Iraq (as with anything Dubbaya does, I’m against it). Don’t jump to conclusions, otherwise you’re going to cross the line into You’re A Moron.
MAILBAG!
The Great Escape Valve for the One Hour Special. Why try to come up with a whole bunch of material when my fans can do it for me? God love them all.
First off, a lot of people stated that I forgot about the first TNN Raw, where the Hardys defeated Edge and Christian in a ladder match. No, I didn’t forget about it, The Joe In Me forgot about it. You see, there’s this thing called quoting…oh, just move on. You’ll understand that by the end of this section. Actually, I don’t care about the Hardys and ladder matches, since I’ve ignored everything the Hardys have done in the last two years.
In honor of Jimmy Carter picking up his Nobel Peace Prize, frequent correspondent James Lawson asks the following:
In your opinion, does Jimmy Carter seem like the least ego-centric of the most recent presidents? I mean, compared to Regan and Clinton, he’s actually done some good using his status as a former president of the United States.
Well, in the lack of ego area, there’s always Gerry Ford, who’s stayed in the background, mainly because he’s never successfully justified that pardon of Nixon. As for Carter, he’s a guy who takes being a good Christian seriously, and he tries to show it through faith and works. He does good things on both large and small levels (or tries to, for the critics out there, and you can’t fault him for trying), and he demonstrates every day the three main concepts of Christian teachings: faith, hope, and charity. The humility is part and parcel of him, and not some bit of show.
Suprman37 goes back into my avocation of piracy:
Quick question, though. I know you download games via Usenet (which is just not going to work out well for me) and I want to know if you know anything at all about doing it via mIRC. Kazaa Lite is a huge letdown for most games, and I’ve heard they are a lot better on mIRC. I can’t waste my time with files that don’t work, since I’m still on a 56k (Gary is the ONLY city in NW Indiana that doesn’t offer some sort of broadband service. Of course.)
The problem with pirating games on 56K is that pretty much all games are released as full disk images these days, and downloading a 600M file on a 56K line is…okay, “painful” is such an understatement. IRC (not mIRC, because that happens to be the name of the most popular Windows IRC client, and kudos to Khalid Marham-Bey for pulling off the Xerox trick) is regarded as the best way to get the newest releases; however, the releasers on IRC are a bunch of cliquish, petulant bitches, so I try to avoid them. I’ve been getting decent results with the eDonkey network lately as a P2P solution for games and utilities (actually, I’ve been getting great results, since I’ve picked up shit I never thought I’d get, like Statistica and Systran). I recommend the eMule client, which is Open Source and Freeware. A lot of people have been doing mods for eMule lately, increasing its functionality. At this moment, I’m using version .23b with the Tarod 10e mod, and it’s terrific. You can pick up some modified eMule clients here (and the German shouldn’t bother you, since the changelog files the main page is linked to are in English), or the official client at SourceForge.
The Priz(!) pops a few shorties my way, and I only have time for the answers. That link you provided me…I don’t know if it’s intentional satire or unintentional satire, but it’s hilarious. Yes, most of us in the IWC are better writers than the crew that Vince has, but we don’t have the five years of soap opera writing experience to pass Steph’s muster. I will throw my weight behind the Niners this weekend, since the FudgePackers must lose, every week. I was disappointed in Notre Dame being bitch-slapped by USC, so I didn’t comment. And the Bulls aren’t being ruined by the Triangle, they’re being ruined by the Triangle not being implemented by Tex Winter (and, of course, Jerry Krause, which is a whole other issue).
And who can follow up the Priz? Only the Ravin’ Cajun his own self:
I haven’t see the video of Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri giving his announcement, but do you suspect he was waving his right hand in front of him in an attempted Jedi Mind trick when spouting that line of BS?
I wouldn’t know, Beau. Jedi Mind Tricks don’t work on me. As for the other points, William Donaldson is going to be hamstrung at the top of the SEC courtesy of the Junta’s stance on not going after corporate malefactors, and I’ll reveal who I think is going to win the Ladder Match in the Round Table.
And who could follow up the Ragin’ Cajun? My old fascist bud John King, who shoots me a message about Nexium. Yeah, Nexium’s the next generation of Prilosec, but there’s a difference: Prilosec never worked on me, Nexium does. And thanks to a little insurance company Jedi Mind Trick, it’s cheaper than Prevacid on my insurance plan. However, full agreement that medical insurance companies f*ck us up the ass at any opportunity.
Glen Sprigg asks me about a bit of alternative history: what would I have felt about John McCain if he’d won the GOP nomination? I still wouldn’t have voted for him; however, I respect the hell out of McCain for his service to his country. I wouldn’t have been completely confident about him, since he was in Charles Keating’s pocket at one time, but he’d be a helluva lot better than what we have now. Plus, he was always a compromise type of guy in the Senate, and he could work a lot better with them. Unfortunately, we never got to see that possibility because of the smear job that the Juntaettes pulled on him in South Carolina during the primaries.
The misguided Nessa Ven contributes this:
Whats wrong with Jeff? He’s a dare devil, and he deserves a bigger push than he’s getting now. I mean, who else in the WWE jumps as much as he does, does more high-risk stuff, and always gets beat and doesn’t have a title shot? I think right now Jeff is one of the only guys I would think deserves a title shot. Your right about the HHH and HBK thing, its gone on long enough. It should be HBK or HHH against Jeff for the title!
Oh, dear God…I can’t think of any way to respond to that one that would make people wonder why I didn’t YAM the sucker. Instead, I’ll let BFM’s riposte to me about Jeff half-assing it in the ring and forcing Trip to actually work to carry him suffice.
Dan Rodriguez laid out a great conspiracy theory that’s too long to print here. Let me just answer by saying that Vince purposely tanking the product in order to lower the stock price and take the company private again is always a possibility. However, that leaves him open big-time to a shareholders’ suit right now for dilution of assets and fiduciary malfeasance. I don’t think even Vince’s ego would risk that.
Memo to Meldrain: I’ve admitted publicly that I’m egotistical and narcissistic. And I have read Ulysses and enjoyed it tremendously.
In response to ray1, a Michaels/Jericho feud would have meant something before Jericho got buried. A lot of luster has been taken out of that possibility. If Jericho could regain his old promo form, though, it’d be great.
Chim Cham asks this one, and you’re going to have to read it to believe it:
Eric, please help settle a bet I have with a friend.
Who the f*ck am I, Dear Abby?
Is it possible for a person that isn’t allowed to hold his ass open, to get pee into, not on but INTO his anus from somebody else’s weiner. Also the weiner can not be in the butt.
Thanks and I eagerly await your answer.
This is possibly the weirdest question anyone has asked me. As such, I am not going to dignify it with an answer. As a semi-obvious troll, it doesn’t make YAM. May I suggest that you and your friend try it?
Lots of responses about yesterday’s Mexican toilet paper issue. Yes, most Mexicans use garbage cans to deposit their used asswipe, and the ones at my plant do use the garbage cans (mostly). So at least there’s a semblance of sanitation going on there. However, there’s still the cultural gap present that could be solved by telling them that it’s okay to flush it, and insisting on it if they choose not to listen.
And let’s close with frequent correspondent SFVis420, who asks me a simple question that ties in with his handle quite nicely: what are my feelings about pot? I’ve actually answered this question before. I’ve admitted to smoking pot on a few occasions, and found nothing wrong with it. I treat it like alcohol when I do: don’t drive until you’ve sobered up. Tax it like booze and sell it. Don’t waste money trying to eradicate it; it’s not going away. Cannabis sativa is a hardy little plant and will grow in unfavorable conditions for other crops. There’s no long-term study that proves that pot is worse than tobacco; in fact, there’s not one cancer death that can be proven to have been caused by pot smoking alone. As for the eradication efforts in Tennessee, a lot of that goes back to the old bootlegging culture down there. It’s easier to make joints than moonshine, safer for the consumers, and more profitable due to its illicit nature. Hell, Steve Earle discussed that fact in his classic song “Copperhead Road”.
And that closes out this week (and I’m late for work again). Tune into Grut tomorrow, and you get more of me in the Round Table. So until then, enjoy this work.
About Eric Szulczewski
