The Monday Edition 12.16.02

Welcome to Monday, I’m Flea and I appear to be caught in a trap can I walk out? When I look back, boy, I MUST have been green. Ah, shit two sentences in and I have already quoted Elvis and Elton. Looks like this is going to be one of those reports, but that’s alright, Mama. If you didn’t believe what you read last week, yes, Hyatte is gone for the next two months, so if you are coming here for a Comic Book fix, sorry I can’t help you. As a matter of fact, this is what I received in my inbox re: not f*cking up things while Glorydog is on “hi-8-tus”

Hey, Flea .

Hi-8

You got it. Just try not to be so Paranoid, Hooligan. Hello Monday readers! Did you watch the PPV? You didn’t? Then how in the hell can you complain about it? Don’t answer that, I really am not all that interested.

Come on, let’s go

FIRST OFF

Yes, it’s Armageddon! And here is what happened, at least from my point of view

And if you were born last night CONGRATULATIONS and welcome to my world! It ain’t your newborn eyes that make all the italics below, it’s only me attempting to inject a little continuity so I don’t have to say “Like I Said yesterday” every other sentence. If you read yesterday (or know the deal on PPV Mondays), it’s the same as it ever was. Great now I’m quoting the Talking Heads let’s get on with the show

World Heavyweight Title Match 2 out of 3 Falls (Street Fight, Cage Match, Ladder Match) – Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H

As far as HBK goes, I really wish they would turn him back into an insensitive out for himself prick as opposed to a namby pamby “I’m just thanking God to be here” wimp – his “overcoming odds” was good for his “one last match” but if they have any intentions of keeping him around, I would prefer the cocky HeartBreak Kid – the one who told you he was the best and then proved it

FLEA!!! – last week’s Saturday Matinee

.ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full.

– St John 16 (that’s from the BIBLE, you f*cking heathens)

Putting aside all the nay-saying going on about this match, HBK’s performance Monday Night was exactly what I was looking for. He dropped the elbow into the dumpster (and yes it was full of stuffing and things that don’t hurt – this ain’t ECW where you have people killing themselves by dropping on cement from 10 feet so a few hundred sadistic assholes can chant HOLY SHIT) and then popped out and cut a classic HBK promo – ending with “because I can”. Fucking beautiful – I love that line. Unfortunately, the political circumstances surrounding this match have reached epic proportions; HBK’s nostalgia trip is being viewed as a failure and HHH is catching more and more shit from the “smart” crowd, all for NOT LETTING RVD AND JEFF HARDY walk all over them. Jesus f*cking Christ guys, do we have to go through this same thing over and over? Riddle me this (if you are the type that equates high ratings with quality shows) – why is Smackdown “floundering” with “sagging” ratings? You have Benoit, Angle, etc on that show – where is the HHH Effect holding everyone down over there? Is osmosis happening and no one informed me? Is HHH secretly plotting to keep Big Show at the top of the heap? And if so, why? Are you as sick of these questions as I am? Well then quit blaming every f*cking thing on HHH and move on with your lives, it’s getting old. Of course, HHHating is a good gimmick – not on par with say, something like SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN, but I can’t expect all of you f*cking hacks to be as clever as I am. 2 out of 3 falls, each fall with a different stip and most likely a 45 minute contender for “Match of the Year”, if any of you can remove the blinders and just enjoy the match. “Oh but we need someone NEW in the Main Event Mix, Flea! What’s wrong with you?” Sure, I’ll take RVD or Some Other Guy or Booker over HBK any day of the week and enjoy it .with a f*cking gun to my head.. HBK at ¾ speed is better than all three of them combined. I don’t give a f*ck if you do not agree with me, because most of you have had your minds warped by all of these “smart net people” who will lead you to believe that “if you do not think HHH and HBK suck and are holding everyone down, then you just have no business discussing wrestling.” Whatever and then some I fully intend on marking out for this match and then TELLING you how much I enjoyed it in the Monday Edition news report after the PPV. Because I can.

I’m bummed about having to bite my tongue for a week while this match is raked over the coals by the Internet Crowd. You have Triple Blood, crazy bumps and more psychology than an afternoon with Eric S.’s shrink and still this one will be ripped to sheds by a bunch of people that would give their LEFT NUT to drool over the transcripts of this match’s verbal planning session. My expectations were exceeded and while not on par with HHH / Austin from No Way Out a couple years ago, did the trick for me because I think HBK is the greatest thing not named Cactus Jack. Speaking of which, Flaming Barbed Wire? Yes! Did I mention BLOOD! Oh yeah! End came when HBK thought he had the best of HHH and attempted to scale the ladder – bad move because he ended up eating the conveniently placed tables on the outside. And Jesus B. K., Shawn nearly killed himself with that bump – just like old times. HHH wins and hell .I’m just going to not read anything this week until Friday (cept Eric S. and GRUT) so I don’t get bummed out. Oh and I will read Daniels Music Column on Tuesday. Not to mention this column and The Saturday Matinee on Monday .Because I Can.

WWE Title Match – The Big Show vs. Kurt Angle

Here is a horse of a different color. The Big Show is defacto champ as Brock waits out an injury (keeps from getting a big ego by being pushed to the moon) and Angle draws the purgatory straw (he can afford to j.o.b. because Angle has Ric Flair disease – he can bounce back from ANYTHING and still rule) to most likely LOSE LOSE LOSE to Big Show. Why? I don’t know, except this will round out a year that’s been full of misfires, restarts and general confusion on who should be the Top Dog on Smackdown. I figured that Brock would be a dead lock to not lose until WM, but obviously Vince and Company have a different idear on how things should be. Popular rumor going around is that Angle needs time off for knee surgery, so they are doing a “built in angle” to Angle angle into an angle. Huh? I don’t know either, because if you are going to have an inactive champion, let it be someone who can promo his ass off while idle. Show ain’t wrestling, and prefers to let Heyman do his trash talk – which is the best thing about him being Champion. But no one is taking his reign seriously and Kurt Angle has gone on the record saying that he “would like smaller, more agile opponents to work against. Big Show, if you didn’t notice, does not fall into THAT category but Angle, as always will do his best to make this match as good as it can possibly be. I still question the “smart money outcome” of this whole thing and would be rather pleased if Angle got the belt. I think the wild card in all of this is Austin – where does he fit in when he returns (supposedly to Smackdown) and do they want him in the title hunt. Here’s an idear – have Brock cost Angle the match and then DECIMATE Big Show, with the PPV payoff being a BIG ASS STAREDOWN betwixt him and Angle. Ah, f*ck it I’m no good at Fantasy booking and let’s just watch Angle pull the best match out of Show that’s humanly possible. The chips will fall into place later. More on Angle and Brock later in this here report, yo.



I’ll be damned Angle ends up winning the belt and he made the Big Show look like the million dollars he is being paid. Of course, Big Show wasn’t just carried – he held up his end of the deal, possibly putting on the best match in about two years. I’m guessing Brock F5 of the Show was the blow-off to the feud; all I know is I am psyched about Brock and Angle – they are giving this the slow burn, with Angle (as seen in a backstage segment) is playing the weasel part, simultaneously giving encouragement while plotting a backstabbing not seen this side of Michael Row Your Boat Ashore (and kill your brother Fredo). Speaking of Angle, he was on the Royal Rumble commercial, which means that HE AIN’T GONNA BE DISABLED UNTIL WRESTLEMAINA!!! How do these rumors start?

WWE Tag Team Titles Elimination Match – Some Other Guy & Christian vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Booker T & Goldust vs. Lance Storm & William Regal

It looks as though everyone is rooting for Book and Goldust to win, which seems logical enough as they have been chasing and chasing and chasing to the point of GD almost giving up until Book played the “homie” card and straightened the dumb, redneck freak the heck out. Good story line and GD seems to be putting everything into his most recent trip through the Fed – actually wrestling good matches instead of being a lazy pile of shit. Can’t say enough about Booker, who always looks good and is also making the most of being relegated to the tag ranks while the Main Event straightens itself out. Same can be said with Some Other Guy and Christian, who have made for a good, cocky heel team and foils for just about everyone on the show. The Dudley’s are still the Dudley’s – one trick table ponies still living in 1999, but still able to get the crowd involved in their matches, which is better than silence any day of the week. Quick side note about Bubba – did y’all REALLY buy him as Champeen? Then why is it HHH’s fault for confirming the obvious? Read that again and insert Jeff Hardy’s name. The wild card of all this is the Regal/ Storm team, who seem to be the favorite of the “office” (whatever that means) and may be primed to pull and upset here. Elimination matches are always fun because, using ECW Booking Principles, Book and GD will be tossed, followed quickly by Guy and Christian, leaving Duds and Regal/Storm to carry on and on and on and on and on and on until someone goes through a table. Prediction? I have seen enough of these matches to predict that we will be on “smoke break”, getting glassy eyed for the next few matches (or until they show the Women’s match). Elimination of Sobriety is what I have called these matches for years and I don’t see it changing at Armageddon. Go Book and Goldust! You have the entire Internet Wrestling Community behind you!

Hey! I just realized that Book did the j.o.b. in his hometown! That was a TRADE OFF for winning the belts at PPV right? Sucka

Being the opening match, the smoke break was still commencing as everyone awaited the match, as opposed to breaking their legs and extinguishing their “smokes” to get inside for 10 minutes of entrance music. But once it got started – what a doozy. Duds were fortunately eliminated before Bubba could injure anyone, next gone were Storm and Regal, with Regal staring at the lights – are you happy yet? Well, here is about 10 more minutes of solid tag team action, with GD getting his ass kicked, cue the “hot tag” and Booker cleans house. So far so good, but now, if I must complain, I will. Many of the people I read complain about Some Other Guy getting the shaft – go back and watch this match .Guy NO SELLS FOUR OF BOOKER’S FUCKING FINISHERS! All of us were wondering which one he would win with, my vote was for Harlem Hangover – everyone else yelled BOOK END!!!! I figured I has the inside “smart IWC member” track, as I distinctly remember someone saying that Book can’t use the Rock Bottom as a finisher anymore – something about gimmick infringement. Helllloooo! Whoever wrote that can wake up dead. Book does indeed use the BookEnd and winds the tag belts for him and “Goldy”. I honestly expected for GD to WHACK Book with the belt, turning heel during the post match interview, but no dice. I, of course, shared that thought with NO ONE, as I was too busy wiping the “he can’t use the BookEnd finisher” egg off of my face. Fucking Internet.

WWE Woman’s Title Match – Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline

I’m digging this crazy Victoria chick almost as much as anyone on either show not named HBK, Angle or Guerrero. Her vibe with Stevie rocks, as we cannot get enough crazy mofos running around for my liking. (Hugh Morrus does not count – I mean creepy crazy, like some chick with an ear biting fetish.) The only problem is, EVERYONE KEEPS THRYING TO KILL HER!!! Jesus, the chick has been pummeled with potatoes not to mention DROPPED on her sanity-challenged head by sloppy workers, it’s amazing she ain’t officially Victoria Drozdov at this point. How Jackie ended back up in this mess is beyond me. Trish Hyatte is here to redeem her loss from Survivor Series, that much I do know. Should be a good enough match, I guess.

I love Victoria’s new music. This was a good enough match for me, with some hard-hitting action culminating in Crazy Victoria nailing Trish with the belt and then getting the pin on Jackie. She then stole Mrs. Hyatte’s hat and did the whole “nutso chick” thing. SNOWFLAKES and I still love you, if in fact he is actually me or vice versa.



It’s over

Our love affair

Too late now

I find I care

That her sweet love

Never more I’ll share

Now she’s gone

I’m alone

I was wrong

Should have known

Took her home

After our Last Date

– some of the words to “Last Date”, by request and because most folks don’t realize that song has words. If they are still alive, go ask your Grandparents or your parents (depending on your age) about that song. Make them smile or blush. Sentimental Behavior segment officially over.

Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero

Here is your token “workrate” match of the night and should be perfectly acceptable, if not downright f*cking awesome. I like stips like this match – they don’t like each other, so they are going to FIGHT! See, I need simplicity like this because hmmm I don’t know why. I guess it reminds me of the old Kevin Sullivan / Blackjack Mulligan feud, without all the Satanic overtones and some 98 pound weakling screaming “Daddy Daddy, what have they done!!!” Luckily Barry was a BAD SUMBITCH and redeemed that little crybaby Kendall. Oh yeah, Dusty hanging Sullivan from the rafters helped, too. Did you know that crazy broad that hung around with Sullivan back in those days was LUNA VACHON? Straight out the ocean, the whole lot of them and then the PURPLE HAZE walked around with snakes coming out of his mouth until Blackjack couldn’t stand no more. Actually, the last I remember about this whole thing was Blackjack getting stabbed with the SPIKE at the Eddie Graham Sports Complex, leading to Satan winning for the evening and every f*cking burnt out devil worshipper on acid seemed to be regaling in joy, while the bikers and rednecks sipped their beer and cursed the words “redemption” under their breath. That ending of that night is very clear now as opposed to almost 20 years ago, the highlight being my Mother yelling at the “scum of the Earth” to get the “f*ck away from her car”. Yeah, even the Satan Worshippers know better than to f*ck with a crazy hillbilly woman. At 13, it never even occurred to me to try and cop a joint from anyone – my how times change. These f*cking teenagers are all kinds of doped up these days. But back to Sullivan – it’s weird how stealing a man’s wife can affect your career – even to the point of being a martyr for not receiving your “proper push”. Here’s an idear – go to work Monday morning and find out who your boss’s wife is. Good. Now go lay the charms on her. Great. Then f*ck her and cause her to leave her husband. PERFECT. Then use as your defense “Well, it started of as an angle and we just fell MADLY in love!!! guaranteed at least two groups of people will be listening – The Unemployment Office and The Nut Hut. Oh, and probably all your “friends” who say what a good worker you are and how this mistreatment is unjustified. Thankfully, you OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO PROPERLY COMMUNICATE! Or show any kind of emotion or personality!!!! Too bad for you, but it’s your own f*cking fault that you never made it big – keep your dick in your pants and maybe someday YOU will be a contender! Eddie, on the other hand, is a recovering drug addict working on his 3rd chance, and is probably the most entertaining person on either show, both with promos and in ring ability. What all this means is – regardless of how you feel about backstage rumors, inside innuendo and the personal lives / political dealings of the wrestlers, A GOOD FUCKING MATCH IS ALL THAT COUNTS.

And a Good Fucking Match is what you got. Benoit went apeshit with the German’s mid-match, leading to Eddy cowering in fear, as a good Latino Heel should. This “killing the other dude’s finisher” must be stopped, even if it takes a “hazing” on Johnny Ace and his Oriental two counts. From a personal point of view, NO WAY IN THE WORLD can I say this was better than HBK / HHH, but a damn fine stiff match with neither guys screwing up at all. I marked out when Benoit reversed the El Paso Laso into the Crossface and howled in delight when Chavo came into cheat like anyone with Brown Power should. Ain’t nothing worse than a Canadian Gringo, I heard Chavo say, while trying to keep a low profile. Benoit won this round of the grudge match and if these guys fight for the next five PPV’s, I would not complain.

Kane vs. Batista

What should happen here is Batista SQUASHES Kane like a grape. Kane has had every chance in the world and has remarkably failed to deliver every time. I do not really care to hear the line “Oh it’s all HHH’s fault that Kane is not over, he held him down! BULL-SHIT! Kane has been around for around five years now and has NEVER proven himself worthy of anything more than Mid Card / Tag Team and yes, he has been handed the world. So the Katie Vick angle sucked. That still doesn’t change the fact that he pales in comparison to the intensity or “workrate” of 90% of the roster. Batista, on the other hand, has looked very intense, quick and powerful in his squashes. I have also seen him in OVW (Thanks Drew Deuce!) and if he can stay healthy, has a great future ahead of him. As mentioned, I think it’s point proven that Kane will never be The Next Big Thing, but will continue to be “over” due to his character and entrance – to me that = mid card for life. If you are REALLY serious about WWE pushing new talent over “staleness”, you will also be hoping for a Kane ass kicking by Batista, squash, squash and squash. However, if you want to blame Kane’s misfortune on the Big Bad HHH, by all means go ahead – while you are at it, go flush your head down a skanky 7-11 toilet, too. Shit is shit, you know.

It took Flair to help him, but Batista got the win over the Big Red Freak in the mask. Good choice in the victor and it helped that Kane didn’t get his glory back by chokeslamming everyone and then lighting the turnbuckels on fire with his magically gimmicked payoff of the pyro guys who still are living in the 90’s. More Batista sounds good to me. And Flair is a good manager, yelling when he should and not being afraid to take some punishment to help his man win. But it’s Flair, did you expect anything else?

Right after this match, Cena came out and freestyled reminding me of the time when a me and …it don’t matter who was with me. Long story short, we were rolling in a 5.0 with the rag top down so our hair could blow. Best I can remember after all these years is that the girlie’s were on standby waiting just to say hi. Think we stopped? Nah, we just drove by Fucking A I’m writing like GRUT. Next match

Edge vs. Albert

Oh God, I feel like I’m caught in a nightmare. Because of this match? No, silly gooses (geese?). Because everyone with their negative smart goggles on cannot see the forest through the trees, as usual. A-Train is being set up a squash fodder for Undertaker, that much we know. Now then, if UT has to “bury” someone, isn’t it better that it’s ALBERT instead of Matt Hardy (or Edge for that matter)? I said this last week and I stand by the statement – this match is most likely the final key to Edge’s ascension to the Main Event level. I guarantee you all of the agents, bookers and Vince himself will be watching this to see if Edge has what it takes to “carry” a big stiff to a decent – very good match. HBK went through this, as did Bret, Stone Cold didn’t have to because he was a cripple (and over beyond belief anyway), Angle had to do it, hell, even HHH had to go through this – kinda like a purgatory for “almost there” Superstars. Yes, Vince likes big men, but he ain’t as stupid as some people would have you believe. Edge has $$$ written all over him and Albert, well unless something miraculous happens, he will be forever on the “push once a year” list. Which is fine – they don’t call these guys “jobbers to the stars” for nothing. So never fear – Edge will be just fine, this match will be just fine and when Edge is Main Eventing PPV’s late next year and into 2004, all of this will be forgotten.

See? Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Please admit that A-Train had probably the best match of his career and Edge certainly passed the Test, winning the match, albeit by DQ, continuing the feud, much to my delight. It’s very obvious that Edge has learnt a thing or two from the 3 best in the business- hope he takes the ball and runs with it. Oh yeah – Edge snapped and beat the f*ck out of Albert with a chair – do your best to translate that into a burial

Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson Footage – presumably of them swapping spit

As much as I absolutely love Dawn Marie, and as much of a piece of ass Torrie is well, let’s just say this

So none of that here. I couldn’t care less about lesbians at this point in my life – it’s all “been there done that”. The thrill is gone as far as watching two women pantomime supposed lust for each other, even if their intentions are actually Sapphic. Outside of maybe a porno flick all this “lesbian chic” that has found it’s way into modern society is just boring. Oh yeah, the crowd popped and I’m sure that all the people who have no problems admitting that they are “just ABSOLUTELY fine” with the scene were no doubt sprouting wood while making sure the record button was pressed, just in case the need to slow-mo the pending Hot Lesbian Action would come up later in the evening. But for me, the whole thing is just one big pile of manure masquerading itself as “hip”, when all bets were off for any kind of lesbian thrill after Hollywood got involved (i.e. Rosie and Ellen), making “coming out of the closet” the “in” thing. Hot lesbians are supposed to thrill me? All this talk about forbidden love is supposed to make me care and not watch football? Watching two girls make out just flat out bores me. Especially when the aforementioned “payoff” (chicks really doing some nasty stuff to each other) just is not going to happen.

– ME!!!, once again – The Saturday Matinee 9.14.02, talking ‘bout HLA

I don’t think my feelings have changed on this matter. But hell, if you have to put two Women in the wrestling business together, I can’t think of two I dig more than Dawn Marie and Torrie.

Pretty hot segment – there is something erotic about .ah nevermind. Al Wilson will definitely do the j.o.b. to HHH, seeing as he was the biggest heel in the building. AL MUST BE STOPPED! Did you see Dawn Marie seductively insert her finger into Torrie’s underwear, gently caressing her while talking in a sweet voice only meant for women? I’ll tell you right now, that same finger was pressed across my lips once so using the SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN logic, I have, in essence, licked Torrie’s twat. Of course, if Torrie ain’t Miss Elizabeth, Missy Hyatt, Sunny, or Marlena, then I don’t know her. That first part was a true story – the second part is an inside joke that one person will get – possibly getting tickled into a stupor enough to go to the local Post Office, subsequently waking up and smelling the roses.

Also of note is RVD at WWE New York in lieu of wrestling on the PPV. Oh sure, people are crying all sorts of foul on this but I’m not one of them. I’ll talk about this more in the ROLL THE DICE section, so stay tuned. Meanwhile, cancel your plans for Sunday Night and tune into Armageddon. I’m still waiting for all of you chumps to put your money where your mouth is and “Pay to see Eddy and Benoit go at it on PPV. THAT would be worth the price by itself!”. HA HA HAHA, I knew you guys were full of shit saying that.

Yep, RVD was STONED TO THE BONE, which most of you will justify as “when in Rome, cry in your spilt milk”. I talked enough about RVD yesterday, so I ain’t saying nothing else. Everything made sense tonight for me – whether you think that’s correct or not is your decision. But please – do not, under any circumstance, go to a message board or write a column saying how much this show sucked – WHEN YOU DIDN’T WATCH THE SHOW. I thank you in advance and instead of moaning like a banshee about how much HHH sucks, take a step back and realize that Flea is happy marking out for HBK. It is the season for giving – so give me a break from bitching like you know something about the inner political workings of WWE. HBK! HBK ! HBK!

HAVE YOU HEARD?

Speaking of egotistical behavior, Rock E (he ain’t the one with the ego) mentioned the other day that a match with Goldberg (yeah he’s the prima donna) may be slated for Wrestlemania, if some kind of deal can be worked out, in writing, of course. People can say what they want about this, my feelings are that I hoped Rock learned from Wolfgang Puck while he was in California – DUCK!

(you see, Goldberg scrambled Bret Hart’s brain with a kick. Bret should have ducked. Rock E is all about Hollywood now. Wolfgang Puck is a famous Hollywood chef, who barely speaks coherent English. One of his specialties is Duck. Rock E should duck. The moral of this story? X# of Hyatte readers ain’t coming back next week. Don’t worry kids, I’ll give you your fix next week

Hi – 8 – Us .! TIW EHT HO

ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS CRAP

RAW is in ORLANDO BABY!!!! and FLEA is gonna be there, right where JR and Lawler use to sit, eight rows back. Don’t look for signs. But if you are going, promote 411!!! If you can get a BOSS or Hashish sign on camera, I’ll make it worth your while if you can get a OH HYATTE sign on TV, I’ll really make it worth your while. Hook Flea up!

Smackdown will be in St.Pete, but by that time I will be in Philly for the holidaze. The same offer as above stands .SIGNS SIGNS everywhere Fleabag wants SIGNS! and here is an added bonus (incentive) read betweenthelines – I’m BRIBING you!

Gimme a GRUT sign and I will send you $50 bucks. Guaranteed.

The challenge is out there. Make me proud! And yourself FAMOUS! And possibly $50 bucks richer!

THE LINKS ARE ON ME

Yesterday I asked this question

As for me, I wanted Booty Daddy to give her a nice little erotic LICK while he was right in her face. Show her what Boom Shaka Laka is. Fuck, ANYTHING that could show me what hell Boom Shaka Laka is would have been an improvement

– FLEA, yesterday

So today I get this

Hey Flea,

Just wanted to let you know that the phrase “boom shaka laka” is the chorus

in a hillbilly pop-groups only musical hit ever… I think the song is

simply called “Boom Shakalaka”, but I can’t remember the name of the group..

The song was in all the radio-stations in Europe a few years ago.

Søren Kristensen

HILLBILLY! Right on! I’ll have to try that BOOM SHAKA LAKA thing at the next hog roast! HYUCK!

Also in the mailbox .

I think your readers would like to know that there is a Live internet Rock & Wrestling Radio show out there. Just visit www.abovethemat.com for further information. Also to post shows or send in results from any of your favorite independent promotions all across the world. Shows run live Sunday from 4pm – 6pm EST. This week 12/15/02 we are running an early show due to the fact XBW (www.xbw1.com) is having a food drive for the needy, Grapplin for Grub. This week the show will run at 2pm EST til 4pm EST.

My idea is maybe you could post this or use the above the mat banner and put a link on your website so wrestling fans all around the nation will know about the show. You can also see what we have to offer by listening to this weeks archived show.

Brook-Lyn

brook_lyn@sbcglobal.net

Are you catching a trend in this links section? If you want something plugged, go ahead and send it to me. Don’t EXPECT it, but I will take things under consideration and put your monkey ass in lights here at ole Four Uno Uno. Send me something that I can use or have something cool going on and I’ll plug it. Why am I doing this? As usual, I have no f*cking idea, but seeing as I will have some rollover business from Hyatte, my professional advice would be to strike while the iron is hot. You never know when people will realize “Hey! It’s Monday! No Hyatte! Fuck this Flea and his marked propensity for incoherence and nonsense. So if you want to be in the most influential area of Pimpdom, get on the ball and ask. As far as the 411 staff, I turn you over to Eric S. – his Tuesday Pimp Section will be the place to be someone, at least in a couple more weeks when the Monday readership turns to shit – but Hyatte will come back like KING GOD possibly redeem his carnal knowledge of getting your columns over like Flair in Charlotte

Don’t forget – 12.30.02. IWC 100!

PAGE SIX

So if you have been following along, you should know that I had tickets to see AXL and his gang this last Friday. Unfortunately, he no showed a concert in Philly, leading to a riot, then the remainder of the tour being cancelled and to the shock of no one, AXL seems to have a one way ticket to the NUT HUT, thereby answering his own question of “Where do we go now?” personally, I’m f*cking pissed. I have been waiting 11 years to seem him and to be one week away and get doublecrossed is like a stiff kick to the balls. Son of a bitch, I should have followed my normal instincts and gone North for the show – any concert worth seeing, I normally return to the City of Brotherly Love, just because I like the atmosphere and for some reason, the performances are just a little bit better when the bands come to Philly. Elton, Billy Joel, Bruce, Stones, etc. – I guess all I can say about AXL is that he really shit in his oatmeal this time – TicketMaster called me regarding the refund for the tickets and the conversation went like this

Flea: Refund? Fuck AXL. He obviously needs the money more than I do, so you can keep it. And tell AXL that he is more than welcome to tell everyone where he got it.

And that was that. But being a mark and sentimental to that rat prick, I pulled out an old concert tape from the last time Guns and Roses toured. What’s about to occur is from the Use You Illusion Tour – according to the tape it’s 1992 and in Tokyo – which is about 3 months after I saw them for the last time. Thinking about this makes me realize how psyched I would have been to have just one more concert open up as I am about to (hopefully) describe it it is becoming apparent that I will probably be denied my wish, but living in the past has never been a detriment before – AXL sure ain’t going to change that at this point in my life

Once again, 1992 – Tokyo – Use Your Illusion Tour – Guns and Fucking Roses

The arena goes dark as we hear 20,000 Japanese voices chime along in unison to the flashing red sign that says “GUNS – N – ROSES”. A quick flash backstage finds the members of the band making their way to the stage in preparation for what should be a blow away show – and LOOK!! It’s AXL pyshcing himself up

ANNOUNCER: TOKEEEEEEYOOOO! WHAT’S UP MOTHERFUCKRS! FROM HOLLYOWWOOOOD!!! GUNS AND ROSES!!!

Wild applause is accompanied by the sound of a whistle, which can only mean one thing

BOM BOM BOM BOM

POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIGHTS ON ! AND HERE WE GO!!!! NIGHT TRAIN!

Loaded like a freight train

Ah shit, the sound man has f*cked up again and AXL’s voice is all crabby.

Flying like an areoplane

Felling like a space brain one more time to night .LOOK OUT!

Look out is right. Why is it that the greatest band of the late 80’s – early 90’s was always inundated with the worst f*cking sound men and equipment? No wonder AXL is a nut

I’m a West Coast Struttin (FEEEEEEEDBACK)

And honey you can make my motor hum

AXL sounds like shit. The sound is horrible and it looks like the Japs may start screaming PEARL HARBOR and start rioting. Can’t say that I blame them

Well I got one chance left in a nine life cat

And I can tell you honey you can make my money tonight

Axl is surprisingly no-selling this whole sound thing, both from the lack of proper technical assistance and the fact that his voice sound like a cat shit sandpaper down his throat. I guess that’s why he can’t get to mad at the sound guys – they are only half the problemo

Wake up late and honey put on you clothes

And take your credit card to the liquor store

Personally, that’s one of my favorite lines in any song. Struggling to hear it over the FEEEDBACK does not a happy FLEA make, but I will withhold judgement for a few minutes more

Well that’s one for you and two for me by tonight

Feeling like a space brain one more time tonight ..

Come on AXL!

I’M ON THE NIGHT TRAIN

NEVER TO RETURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! Yeah!

Oh man is this brutal. Ok – here’s my judgement for what’s happening sometimes in life things just don’t go your way. For example, all the cards are in place for Guns and Roses to rock the house, but the equipment sound is a nightmare and AXL is blowing his voice out trying to compensate. It’s times like these where you have to stop and take stock of the situation – If you name is AXL FUCKING ROSE and you are singing like some Karoke Klown named Ned, you should probably take a break and go check your ID Card. If it says NED, then go out and sing like a Happy Hour amateur schmuck. However, if it says AXL FUCKING ROSE, then get your shit together and sing like AXL FUCKING ROSE

Looks like AXL thinks the same thing, because he disappears while Slash plays one of his trademark solos

Ok here comes the vocal part and here is AXL, kicking his leg up in time to the drumbeats and let’s hope for the best

LOADED LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN

ONE .MORE TIME TONNNNNNEEEYYYEYEYEIGHT!

Oh yeah. Now were cookin with gas THIS is AXL FUCKING ROSE

I’M ON THE NIGHT TRAIN

I’M ON THE NIGHT TRAIN AND I’M READY TO CRASH AND BURRRRRNNNNNNNN!!!!

Sometimes all is right in the world

NIGHT TRAIN

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!! (TAKE IT!!!!)

And man does Slash take it home .as overrated as this guy is, when he finds his grove, it’s magic .rocking the house down and whoa

The band slows everything back down and goes back to the intro they decide to give me a coda as AXL changes his phrasing, drops an octave and looks like he means business .

Loaded like a Freight Train

ONE MORE TIME TONNNNNNNIIIIIEYEYEYEYE YEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE YEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYEYYEYEYT ..yeah!

Marvelous .there ain’t too much more beautiful than AXL when sings his ass off. And he delivered in spades after starting off in a hole. Which I think is the perfect analogy for everything that AXL has ever presented to the public

Sure – it sounds bad at first but after a readjustment towards the right direction, there ain’t nothing better. Maybe is just an unnatural stubbornness on my part or maybe it is true that the brains cells are finally going away after too many years of being strained, but I will continue to wait for AXL to return – he’s had me on the hook for 11 years; what’s another decade? I just hope that the couple hundred that I bypassed in refund keeps him from jumping of a bridge.

And if I was any type of serious writer, I would end this with a clever witticism to make you think something like

AXL is One in a Million, I guess all I need is just a little patience .

Thankfully I am not that worried about conveying a story or a point in a matter that is all that impressive. If you have never realized, writing, kind of like AXL’s genius, when it’s on like a motherf*cker well

It’s so easy .

So f*cking easy

So why don’t you just

(edited because of Monday)

Thanks for reading THE MONDAY EDITION, I’m Flea.