Guys, I just want to start out by thanking you for sticking with us while we’ve been having server difficulty. I just want to assure you that I and the rest of the 411 Family, especially Patankonin and Eric S, have been working nonstop to solve the problem. Every reader we lose is another reader that lord o’ pain gains, so this site and you are both winners when the site is up.
Isn’t everyone pumped for Flea’s IWC 100?! Since I’ve only been here for a year and a half, I don’t expect to crack the top 5, so I’ll be happy with 6. Nah, but Flea oughta remember I am an Award Winning Journalist.
Well, today was my last final ever. Hmm. My last final ever. My final final, yet I continue to be? Screw it, you know what I mean. From now on, I’m on Flea’s payroll. Man, I always wanted to fight with Chris Hyatte wearing nothing but silk underwear while Flea clapped his hands together and yelled, “Fabulous, fabulous,†for a living.
Shall we do some junk news? Aye.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
Congratulations go out to Dustin Rhodes who was married yesterday in Florida to a woman named Milena. Dustin declared himself the weak link in the marriage and offered to petition the priest for a new groom. However, Milena, in a moving scene, told Dustin she only wanted to marry him. The two then went on to win the tag team championship somehow.
Booker T released a statement on the wedding, saying he was very happy Goldust was now a “2 TIME, 2 TIME husband! Now can you dig that, SUCKAAAAAAAAA?†He then paused, shuffled his feet, pretended someone had called his name and walked away.
There is no word on how this union will effect the sometimes easy going, sometimes sexual tension filled relationship between Terri and Dustin. They have promised to continue to use Dakota as a weapon against each other.
HHH will be out for 2 to 3 weeks with various injuries to his thigh. Stephanie, you gotta stop bobbing your head to the left when you’re sucking at the game.
Edge bought his mom a house for Christmas. His mom was so happy she almost stopped being disappointed that her son became a professional wrestler for thirty seconds. She then once again brought up that nice Jewish boy down the road who became a doctor and was trying to cure cancer, then again asked Edge how his fake fight with the guy with the hairy back went. Edge then asked his mom if anything he ever did would ever be good enough for her, and his mom shrugged her shoulder and said she had no idea what Edge was talking about. She then ‘slipped up’ and called him Adam, and Edge screamed at her that his name was Edge, damnit. Edge. He then ran out of the room sobbing.
By the way, I got a chance to meet a surprise WWE superstar this week, but it didn’t happen because he was with a woman. I’m still not sure who the superstar was, but I could hear a woman screaming, “BOOMSHAKALAKA! BOOMSHAKALAKA! Hey, the moon! AWWWOOOOOOOOOOO!†So I guess it’s obvious, and maybe I’ll meet D-Lo sometime in the future.
Trish Stratus worked the PPV on Sunday with a broken nose. You know Trish, when you agree to screw ten guys at once some of them are going to start looking for new holes to fill.
David Flair will be getting another tryout with the WWE in January. I wish him good luck as I am saving my David Flair jokes for January.
Man, Marc Mero made a half a million a year at one point, but Vince doesn’t feel the need to hire Lo Ki and got rid of Jerry Lynn as quickly as possible. That really sucks. A lot. Oh well. I bet Mero is having a good laugh in his golden palace.
Raw did a 3.5 rating this week, with a 3.3 in the first hour and a 3.6 in the next. Great everyone. Please, watch the hour where HHH and Scott Steiner talk for 15 minutes. That’ll send the right message to the WWE.
You know, maybe we at 411 should stop calling it a server. It doesn’t seem to really be serving anyone.
It looks like Goldberg may be on his way to the WWE for Wrestlemania. This proves once and for all what we’ve all been saying, that Bill Goldberg supports lesbian rape and necrophilia.
Speaking of people returning to the WWE, Hulk Hogan recently said that he would be interested in returning if he could bring his new life partner, Alf. Alf failed to comment as he was eating a cat.
Last night on NWA:TNA, people probably wrestled and stuff and there was probably a swerve and Vince Russo probably revealed himself to be the center of some angle. They are redefining wrestling.
Big Smackdown Spoilers up coming! If you don’t want to read them, cover your eyes.
Brock Lesnar gets a Mattitude adjustment at the hands of some wrestler. I forget who.
Edge fought Albert to resolve their conflict from the PPV. After the match is when the real action takes place as we see the show go to commercial.
Dawn and Al will be married in two weeks on Smackdown, unless Torrie marries Dawn. Yeah, that’s probably what’s going to happen. Unless Torrie marries Al. Hmmmm. Nah. Well nah. But still hmmm.
Bill DeMott is being pushed as a monster, proving once and for all that I have an 11 inch penis. How, you ask? Well, let me take you back to my report nine weeks ago.
“If I don’t have an 11 inch penis, Bill DeMott won’t be pushed as a monster by beating the crap out of Noble and his cousin and Crash Holly. Also, Lance Storm was fired for smoking crack.â€Â- A Wrestling News Report, 9 Weeks Ago.
Angle fights Benoit and one of them gets beaten within an inch of their lives by Brock Lesnar. Also, how is Paul Heyman involved in all of this? Also, how is The Big Show a part of this main event? Also, why won’t anyone answer me? I honestly don’t know the answer to any of these questions, yet you remain silent? FUCKERS!
Oh, and Flea said he’d only read this and one other thing this week, so allow me to say how much HHH and Shawn Michaels suck, even though I didn’t see the PPV. HHH is holding everyone back, and Shawn Michaels is holding his back in pain. Perfect!
Junk News. Huzzah.
PLUGS
I can’t get to the site, but I’ll assume a whole lot of new stuff is up. Go read it.
Oh, and a hello to Hyatte wherever he is. I’m sure it’s a better place with a mountain of bills.
I NEED A JOB
Anyone looking for a mostly funny comedy writer, almost always insightful fiction writer who looks out for his friends, has a Politics major and works hard? I’m willing to relocate, so if you have any openings send me an e-mail.
That’ll do it for today. For the 411 Family, I’m Joshua Grutman.
