Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 12.24.02

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In Memoriam:  Joe Strummer.  May the Guns of Brixton fire twenty-one times in a salute to you.

Jesus, this is sick.  I’ve done prep work for tomorrow’s column, but not today’s.  I recognize why this is so; there isn’t going to be jack shit to talk about on Christmas Day, moreso than any other Wednesday.  So, I’m trying to come up with wrestling-related stuff that I can essay on, and putting that into tomorrow’s column to fill up the huge void.  Now I’m having a problem with putting stuff into today’s column.  Raw is taped, and at least half of you have read the spoilers.  That renders the Short Form almost null.  I can’t do Raw Somewhat Spoiled in its place, because Flea’s got Mondays, not me, and I had to do Smackdown Somewhat Spoiled for today’s column because the taping got done on Sunday.  I don’t want to watch Monday Night Football and use that as an excuse.  Oh, what to do, what to do…Guess I just have to soldier on and try to do the same crap I do every Tuesday.  Life truly does suck.

AND SPEAKING OF SUCK, GOD, DO I HATE CHRISTMAS…

According to my shrink, “hurricane season for bipolars” lasts from about the middle of October to the middle of January.  You can put that up to the decreasing amount of daylight or some other crap.  However, the real reason is, of course, the Holidays.  The simple fact is this:  bipolars can’t stand to see anyone else happy.  Well, at least I can’t stand to see anyone else happy.  Smiling faces, Christmas carols, office parties, everyone standing in line patiently and happily at checkouts…they all want to make me vomit.  Human beings are capricious, covetous, impatient slimeballs.  And suddenly, just because the holidays are here, we’re all supposed to change our behavior in order to fit some kind of societal image of “the most wonderful time of the year”?  Bullshit.  Talk about hypocrisy.  I’m an asshole the other 364, so why should I suspend that behavior for one goddamn day?  And it’s all because some guy named Josh was born.  For f*ck’s sake, why don’t we celebrate Grut’s birthday like this if that’s all it takes?  Goodness knows that it’d be more relevant to the readers of this site if we did so.

I don’t send cards.  I don’t buy presents.  My response to carolers involves my friend Mr. Magnum (yeah, fah la la this, motherf*ckers…BANG!).  Ditto anyone in a Santa outfit.  I would prefer not to go over to my mother’s house on Wednesday, but I don’t feel like engendering a month of bitching and moaning about it so I end up doing the filial thing against my will (speaking of wills, said Merry Widow might cut me out of hers if I don’t go).  All I want to do tomorrow is stay home, enjoy the fact that I’m not at work, pop in a DVD to avoid the abysmal Christmas Day programming all over the airwaves and through the coax, maybe jack off to some porn now that I’m off Paxil and can actually do so without more effort than it took to build the Pyramids.  Just be by myself and avoid the smiling, happy, joy-to-the-world-the-Lord-is-come types.  And I know I’m not alone when it comes to this.

The last two years, I’ve thrown some crap in this column about how I deplore the commercialization of Christmas and that the focus should be on the fact that it’s a religious holiday, and blah blah blah.  I’m tired of pummeling this particular deceased equine, though.  Let’s just summarize and say that all the external shit is blinding us to the real purpose.  Gamble can enlighten you on the specifics if you’re unaware of what I’m talking about.

You know, the Muslims got it right when it comes to celebration of the tenets of religion.  Look at Ramadan.  One month of fasting and denial, all to show that, no matter how great and powerful you are, you are still submissive to the will of Allah (after all, “Islam” means “submission”).

In fact, why can’t we just ditch the meaning of this holiday altogether?  How about using the Roman Saturnalia to celebrate the life of not only good ol’ Josh, but also Abraham and Moses?  Those are three guys that Christians, Jews, and Muslims all agree on as being prophets and servants of God/Yahweh/Allah.  Maybe if we focus on our similarities in religious practice, the people preaching differences can be seen as the yahoo fanatics they are, instead of promulgating images that Jerry Falwell, Osama bin Laden, and the JDL are representative of their creeds.

That’s the way to peace on Earth.

THE PIMP SECTION

Read Flea, dammit.  So what if he’s not Hyatte?  Besides, he gives me some damn good compliments in the Monday column, and God love him for it.

By the way, has it been Grinch enough for you so far?  If not, it should get that way soon.

You know, Daniels hated my guts when I came here.  Now we’re fans of each other.  See, it can happen.

It isn’t too late to pimp Pankonin and his Heat report.  It still isn’t past its sell-by date or anything.  Of course, his game section doesn’t cover PC games, but that’s only because I’ve been too busy to play any of the ones I’ve obtained by various means.  At least PC gamers don’t have to imbibe the swill of reconstituted Japanese shit that permeates consoles, Chris.  That’s something to consider.

Ditto Brower and Epilepsy.  Besides, I haven’t pimped Brower in a long time, and the guy deserves every pimp he gets.

Ditto the second the only good Bush as he covers the bullshit coated with a thin cream of fact known as Confidential.

NOT THE GREATEST OF NEWS

From the Torch via Widro:

The Rock is expected to be back with WWE in time for Wrestlemania, with his movie finishing up shooting in the early part of 2003.

Without another major movie shoot planned until the Fall of 2003, The Rock is now expected to remain with WWE for a full time wrestling schedule for about six months after Wrestlemania.


Oh, yeah, you REALLY want me to feel good about the holiday season, don’t you, WWE?  This is the wrestling equivalent of Dubbaya threatening Iraq:  a threat that’s a long way away, but let’s put the news out there regardless.

BTW:  Bet on January 17th for the war.  Dubbaya has such a daddy complex that he can’t resist.

DUH

Another from the Torch via Widro:

Reports say that Vince McMahon is getting increasingly desperate about the dropping interest in WWE, and is losing faith in his own ability. He reportedly feels he is running out of ideas and is unsure how to turn things around.

So NOW he’s admitting to getting desperate?  Then what the hell were all the audience-poppers in the past he thought were such wonderful ideas, like Flair and the NWO and now Big Sump Pump?  Rewards for his loyal viewers?  Seems to me I remember a number of columnists, including Yrs Truly, saying at each of those events that they were acts of desperation because they screwed the pooch so badly with the Invasion and didn’t bother to apply any corrective measures.

Oh, by the way, Vince, how about asking Shane for his advice?  Worked pretty well last time you were stuck in this particular quagmire.  Of course, you don’t have Austin here to carry it off…well, you will, because that’s yet another act of desperation that won’t work.  Let’s face it, Vince, you need a total refocus again.  Start by getting rid of your bitch daughter and her sycophantic writing staff.

One sign of this desperation is the renewed interest in sigining Bill Goldberg. Previously McMahon had played hardball with Goldberg, wanting him to work a full WWE schedule. But because of the circumstances, McMahon is now more willing to work on Goldberg’s terms, which is for major appearances sporadically through the year rather than a full house show schedule.

So let’s see what they’re doing with this.  They’re going to bring in yet another Mega-Ego to join Trip and Flex in a merry-go-round mutual masturbation session/alpha male competition.  And they’re going to bring him in on his terms, which amounts to complete defeat and subordination to his will.  They’re going to subordinate themselves to a guy who has publicly admitted that he does the wrestling thing only for the money and has no passion about being a wrestler.  Jesus Fucking Christ, is that the way to run a business?

Vince has to admit something, and admit it quickly:  He dodged a bullet when Nash got injured.  He dodged another one when Hogan decided to put the ego in neutral because it was his last big-time run.  He dodged yet another in Michaels, who seems to have grown up courtesy of marrying, having a kid, finding Jeebus, and getting off drugs.  So far, he’s dodged a bullet with Steiner, but wait until the first ‘roid rage hits.  Goldberg is the biggest shell left in the chamber, and the target on Vince is growing bigger and bigger.  Is he really the solution to growing an eroding audience, or will it be another Two-Week Pop?  If the latter, it will come at an incredible price, both monetarily and morale-wise, and that’s a price that WWE shouldn’t pay.

A SPECIAL TUESDAY SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED

Well, shit, it’s already been taped, and Flea didn’t cover it, so why not?  That should provide us with a content-free column tomorrow.  Hey, call it my Christmas gift to you…oh, that’s right, I don’t give gifts.

So it’s a Number One Contender’s Match between TBS and Benoit…TBS and Benoit?  Oy vey.  My head is just spinning thinking about this one.  What did Our Lord and Savior do to deserve this (not the push, the torture involved in getting it)?

They redo the Pat Patterson routine with the Guerreros/Kidman-Edge tag championship match.  Okay, you can rip yourselves off, but only if the people involved can carry off the routine.  Eddy and Chavito can pull off just about anything SE-related that they can throw at them, so no problem from this end.

Okay, WWE decided to give us all a Christmas present, and one in much better taste than the gift exchange between Horny Old Goat and Slutty Bi Bitch:  Charlie Haas and Sheldon Benjamin hit the Big Time!

Hmmmm, Matt Hardy versus Brock Lesnar next week.  There goes one push heading straight down the crapper.

And that’s enough of that.  You can all watch this Thursday as you’re eating your leftovers.

RAW IS TAPED, BUT THE SHORT FORM LIVES!

Who is doing it this week other than Keith?  I have no clue anymore.

Match Results:

Rob Van Dam and Kane over Rosey and Jamal (Pinfall, Van Dam pins Jamal, Five-Star Frog Splash):  I said it last week, and I’m going to say it again:  WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL ARE ROB VAN DAM AND KANE DOING CURTAIN-JERKING?  For that matter, why in the name of hell are they tagging together?  This is typical uncreative WWE thinking:  “Well, they’ve had their world title pushes, and now we’ve got nothing to do with them.  So let’s tag them together until we figure out something.”  This can pay off dividends in unexpected ways.  Look at Booker and Goldust, two other people who suddenly had pushes abandoned, were stuck together, and clicked.  However, I don’t see that happening in this case.

Test over D-Lo Brown (DQ, ref abuse):  Come on.  Look, we’re just getting over the shock that this whole Testicles routine has actually got Test over, a Vatican-attention-getting-level Miracle.  Instead of waiting for the shock to subside, Test is being booked against D-Lo.  I have no idea where they fit into the pecking order thanks to this.  Was Test lowered, D-Lo elevated, or both?  Confusion reigns all over the mid-card.

Horrid-cane Helms over Chris Harvard (Pinfall, Shining Wizard):  Paid no attention, did not care.  I love Harvard and his potential, but stuck in a feud with Maven?  Yeah, it’s a natural, but where’s it going to get either of them?

Batista over Spike Dudley (Pinfall, powerbomb):  Yes, we know that Spike can take some horrific bumps.  We’ve seen it a number of times.  No, we haven’t seen it with Batista, but it’s still the same old bumps.  So why are you showing them to us?

Trish Stratus, Jacqueline, and My Beautiful and Beloved over Victoria, Ivory, and Molly Holly, Santa’s Little Helper Match (Pinfall, Trish pins Ivory, Stratusfaction):  Ho Ho Ho.  Ho Ho Ho.

Booker T and Goldust over Chris Crass, Tag Championship Match (Pinfall, Goldust pins Jericho, rollup):  The secret to good booking is simple:  have good performers who can communicate the tension and drama in a match.  The outcome to this one was foreordained after Jericho’s locker room promo.  However, the way they got to the conclusion was damn nice.  Great pacing, nice chain wrestling.  All in all, not a classic, but definitely a great effort from everyone.  I’m still wondering what got into Dustin Runnels to make him into a person who could hang with Booker and Jericho and make it seem natural (no pun intended for you old WCW fans).  All I know is that I can’t argue with the results.

Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross over Lance Storm and Billy Brass Knucks (Pinfall, Ross pins Regal, Power of the Punch):  I think that the less said about this one, the better, don’t you?

Angle Developments:

Trouble In South Seas Paradise:  So exactly what was being set by the confrontation after the opening match?  We know that an in-ring altercation is the usual sign of a breakup to come.  However, will it be Rico leaving the IBs or will the IBs themselves split up?  If so, who’s going to be the face?  Neither Rosey nor Jamal can pull it off, so therefore…Rico as a face?  Weirder things have happened.

Where All De White Women At?:  D-Lo salivating all over My Beautiful and Beloved with that obsessive look…I don’t like where this is going.  Sure, D-Lo, she can ignore the Testicles, but that’s only because she’s got enough trying to handle a nice, big Pole.

Don’t Fuck With Olshansky:  Elliot is asking me to give praise to Trip’s expression of fear when Steiner smiled at him during the arm wrestling nonsense.  I hereby give praise.  Not overacted at all, wonderfully stated, and, yes, it provides a great buildup.  I also agree that it’s going to be complete crap at RR, but the buildup’s still going to be good.

Another Great Eric Bischoff Concept:  Hmmmm, Schiavone and Ventura.  I never thought of that combination.  You know, it might just be worth it.  Sure as hell better than what’s on Smackdown now, and probably what’s on Raw, for that matter.  Too bad that Styles was f*cked over in his auditions, because if you got Heyman out of the bullshit manager’s role and behind a commentary table, you’d have two of the best teams imaginable.  Well, that’s as long as Schiavone isn’t being whispered to…however, considering what Styles said, that’s a longshot.

For a contrary opinion to mine, let me turn to Slick Rick McBride:  Bisch invoked the name of Schiavone. I think one of the elder seals just broke…  Why not?  I think their booking’s reached the depths of R’leyh, so it’s only appropriate.

And with that little love note, I’m going to sign off for today.  See you tomorrow with more of the same, except for a distinct lack of wrestling content.  It’s a Special Christmas Edition of everyone’s favorite misanthropic wrestling column, and you’re all welcome to attend.